FIC: I in Love Based on I in Team (4/4) B/W PG

Disclaimers in Part One

Part Four

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I take a deep breath before I open the door to our room; soon it will be just Willow?s room. It hurts worse than anything I?ve ever felt before, this is so much worse than Angel there is no comparison.

I remember reading somewhere that the only real pain is emotional. The only true scars are the ones you can?t see.

I take another deep breath because I have to do this now, today or I never will be able to. I don?t know if she could ever love me and I don?t want to know because I?m afraid. If she could love me, if she would chose me over Tara and a normal life then what could I offer? I?ll be dead before I?m 25; no Slayer has ever lived longer. Most of us die in our first year; I died in my first full year.

I know that those thoughts are just delaying tactics; the real reason I?m leaving Willow?there I said it?I?m leaving Willow. The reason I am leaving Willow is because of the danger to her.

I took a long shower thinking that if I waited long enough Willow would be gone. She never misses class unless the world is about end. I know she?s on the other side of the door because I can feel her. She has a--brightness about her that I can feel above everything else, even in a crowd, so knowing she?s in our room in an almost empty dorm is a piece of cake.

This is it?I open the door and she?s there sitting on her bed, hugging a pillow, facing the door. My Willow sitting on the bed looking at the door doing nothing is not a good sign. Boredom is her enemy. She can?t stand to be bored for even a few minutes.

?Buffy!? She nearly shouts my name as I slowly walk into the room, deliberately shutting the door behind me. ?We need to talk,? she tells me as she places the pillow down beside her and she tucks her legs beneath her and rises up onto her knees.

I don?t want to hear how great Tara is, so I cut her off. ?Yes, we do Will and it?s pretty serious . . . I think I?m gonna . . . ? And the damn phone rings.

We have to answer it. It could be Giles or Xander or mom letting us know that if we don?t do something the world will end in five minutes. Since she?s closest she just reaches for it.

?Oh, Hi Tara,? I watch as her face brightens when she says the name. And that answers all the unasked questions that I refused to think about it. No, she doesn?t love me like that; she could never love me like that.

?Look Tara can I call you back? Yes, this afternoon, sure . . .? There she goes; she?s making a date with her new girlfriend while I just stand here with my mouth open? Well, to Hell with that and I should know 'cause I?ve been to Hell.

The Slayer rises up, she starts pushing at my restraint, and she wants blood and death. How dare the Slayer?s mate talk to another woman! How dare she show such a lack of respect?blood?she wants blood. She won?t be satisfied unless she tastes the interlopers. . . .

?Buffy what?s wrong?? How did Willow get from over by her bed to right here--standing next to me? The Slayer reaches out and grabs her??Mine!??then crushes my little I wiccan's body to her and gives her a bruising kiss.

Willow pushes at me and that causes the Slayer to release her hold. The Slayer would never hurt her. But now that I have control I purposely go to my closet and pull out one of my empty chests, I start flinging my clothes in it without folding them?I have to get away from Willow before I totally lose it?I have to leave now, mom can come back and pack for me.

?Buffy what are you doing?? I hear Willow ask as if she?s far away. I glance up at her briefly, anymore than that and I?m afraid the Slayer will break free again.

?I?m leaving,? I tell her going back into my closet to get some more clothes. When I turn back around Willow is standing in the doorway of the closet blocking me in.

?No,? she says the word so softly that I barely hear her.

?What?? I?m surprised at this Willow, a Willow that I?ve rarely seen.

She clears her throat, then waits until I look up at her. Her green eyes have fire in them. ?I said no,? she pauses and looks away. ?Well, no for right now, no in the sense that you are going to sit down and talk to me . . .? her voice keeps getting louder.

When she faces me again, her eyes are shining with unshed tears. She?s waiting for me to say something, anything, I know that her threat isn?t an idle one. She will stand, blocking the way out of the closet, until Hell freezes over if I don?t agree to talk to her. The fact that I?m many, many times stronger than her is not an issue. There is no possible way I would risk hurting her by using my strength?I simply can not do it?thus I?m stuck here.

I cross my arms across my chest and give her my best 'Slayer' stare. She cringes but then crosses her arms mimicking my pose. "Ok Buffy, you want to play it this way, then we will."

"I'm not playing, Willow. I need to leave, it's for . . . "

". . . my own good?" she asks, lifting an eyebrow. "Or my safety?" she spits out the words like they taste vile. "Oh, and here's my favorite one--'cause you couldn't take it if anything happened to me?" With each one she takes a step into the closet, until she's standing over me. I know she's only a few inches taller than I am, I know that I'm The Slayer, and yet, it feels like she's towering over me.

I drop my arms to my sides and look at anything besides those burning green eyes. I have never been so dominated in a battle. Even the Slayer is cowed.

I hear breathing, I know what she's doing, she's trying to regain some control over herself. I can nearly count with her, breath in one, two, three, breath out.

"Good, now do we stay in here or do we go and sit down like civilized people?" she asks, and all I can do is nod and meekly follow her out of the closet.

?Now sit down,? she orders me and I obey her by sitting in the chair by my desk. The Slayer loves Willow?s forcefulness. She walks right up to me, peering down into my face.

?There are only two issues here Buffy,? she starts, taking a deep breath. ?The first one is that I love you and the second is, do you love me??

I never in a million years thought that Willow could love me. I dreamed that she could but I never thought she would . . . I look up into her green eyes and all the fire and intensity is gone, in its place is shy Willow holding her breath waiting for my reply. All I have to do is say no, that I don?t love her and she will accept it. She will be safe.

I open my mouth, the words of pain on my tongue and I close it with a snap. I can?t lie to her, I could never lie to her. The only way to keep secrets from her was by not talking . . . so I turn away from her.

I feel her warm fingers on my face tracing my hairline and I close my eyes and lean into the touch before I realize what I?m doing.

?Buffy, for the bravest person I know you are certainly the biggest emotional coward I have ever met,? she whispers the words into my ear as she sits on my lap. Then she?s kissing me and I have no choice but to kiss her back.

Something breaks within me, not breaking, it's opening, I?m opening. I need her in my life, I can?t leave, I don?t want to leave?but I?m just so afraid?what if . . . She deepens the kiss and I now know the truth: she?s been a Scooby for three years, she?s knows the risks and she knows how to be careful.

And if she can take a chance knowing that I?m going to die soon then why can?t I? Why can?t I just love her for as long as I can and let tomorrow take care of itself?

The answer to all my questions is in my arms and all I have to do is let her love me, like I do her.

The End

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I forgot to mention and thank Ann Marie in the credits of part one, so I am doing it here: THANK YOU ANN MARIE! Since I just cut and paste the credit listings out of the BuffyFemSlasher's rules text do you thank it could be changed to include BETAs?

Also, this story was an answer to a Challenge by BHV--so thank you BHV--I hope you liked it.

Bright Blessings,