Re: FIC: Pain

Title: Pain

Author: xekari Disclaimer: All the Buffy characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and other corporate types. I own nothing. Pairing: Buffy/Willow Spoilers: Season 6: Wrecked Rating: R (for language only) Feedback: As long as you don't hurt me _too_ much. AN: I've not been writing at all lately, due to some major life stuff. This is just me dipping my toe back into the pool. I've done nothing with Buffy's POV before, so I'm giving it a try. Thoughts/feelings she's experiencing while she's standing in Willow's doorway at the end of Wrecked.

Oh, yeah. This is not happy in any way.

I failed. Those two words drown out everything else in my head as I stare down at your pitiful form. You were supposed to be the one, my shining example of purity and innocence. But I let it touch you. The darkness that permeates me... flows through everything in this goddamned town. I tried to hold it away from you, Xander, Dawn... but I failed. I can barely look at you now, but I force myself. Your tear streaked face reminds of the first time I died. I fought the Master to spare you pain like this, because it was my job to save people like you. Where did I go wrong? When did the light leave your eyes? I try to find the old Willow there. All I see now is pain and that hateful, familiar darkness. Maybe if I could find her she'd bring back old Buffy, too. I was a good slayer. I took down every threat this town has ever seen. To save the world, to save you. I've saved you more times than I can even count. You saved me too, though, didn't you? You just couldn't let me go, could you? The first time I'd ever known complete peace and happiness, you stole that from me. I know why Tara left you. I wish I could leave you, too. I know that's not fair. I should try to feel sympathy for you, your life has been almost as hard as mine. Is it possible to force a feeling? I know I can fake them, been doing it for so long I can't stop, but it never goes further than skin deep. I wish the old Buffy was here. She could help you, fix these messes we've made. She would take your hand, look into your eyes reassuringly, and hold you until your tears dried. I know you wish I would do those things. You look up at me and your eyes beg for mercy, understanding. Do you think I hate you for hurting Dawn? I hate you for everything you took from me. I hate you for forcing this world upon my shoulders once again. I hate you for loving me too much. I hate you for becoming so fucked up. I hate you for needing me to save you, again. I hate you for not being able to fix me. Suddenly it's too much. I have to leave before I scream and pound my fists into your flesh. I want so much to hurt you right now. I have to get out of here, but as I turn away I feel your hand grab my arm. Your palm feels clammy against my skin and you look as desperate as I feel. I'm not fucking forgiving you!!! I want to scream and throw off your clinging grip, but I don't. I stretch my lips into something which feels like a close approximation of old Buffy's reassuring smile. I think for a minute that you've caught me, that I saw a fleeting look of confusion, but you smile back and I know I've passed yet again. I close your door behind me as softly as my insanely tensed body will let me and sprint down the stairs. I need to dust some vamps, or maybe I'll just go fuck one.

__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com

Willow: "It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in." Buffy: "I kinda love you." —'Choices' Community email addresses: Post message: buffywantswillow@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Subscribe: buffywantswillow-subscribe@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Unsubscribe: buffywantswillow-unsubscribe@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx List owner: buffywantswillow-owner@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Shortcut URL to this page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/buffywantswillow Official archive for the list: http://www.ikoly.com/fanfic Other links to Buffy/Willow fics: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/buffywantswillow/links