They Can Never Know, by Red ( BW...R )VERY DARK FIC

["cocoachanel67" <cocoachanel67@xxxxxxxxx>]

book 1: That Was When I Knew
Red: cocoachanel67@xxxxxxxxx
Joss' folk.
W/B   R
Summary: Willow has a secret...a bad one. This is a VERY DARK 
FIC...BE WARNED...
NOTE: Past in italics.

They can never know. Not Xander, Anya, Giles, Faith, Dawnie...not 
Buffy. Especially not Buffy. Not even Spike. 

They can never know.

It started while I was still with Tara...after Buffy died. 

She knew...she found me, once, in the bathroom...the razor was in my 
hand. I'll never forget that day...never forget how calm she 
was...how she took it from me, put it away, took my hand and led me 
back to the bedroom. I can still feel it, her hand caressing my bum 
as I lay over her lap.

{<i> 'I better never ever see that again, Will.' 
*SPANKSPANKSPANK* "If I do, this will seem like a picnic.' 
*SPANKSPANK* 'It won't be my hand, Willow.' *SPANKSPANKSPANK*  'I 
will use that nice, big, hard, wooden brush of yours." 
*SPANKSPANK* 'And I will spank this adorable little ass black and 
blue.' *SPANKSPANK* 'Understand?" 
*SPANKSPANKSPANKSPANKSPANKSPANKSPANK*</i>}

She did see it again...she saw alot of things. And she kept her 
word...I didn't sit once that whole summer without wincing.

No one knew. 

Xander thought we were just having 'the sex' all the time.

No one knew about the cuts, no one knew about the punishments. She 
threatened to tell Giles, but I begged her not to...and she 
didn't....because she loved me.

She did make me promise to come to her, when I felt the urge...and I 
did, most of the time. When the pain from losing my best friend was 
too much, I'd go to her and she would spank me...sometimes with her 
hand, sometimes with the brush.

And I would cry, for Buffy...for the loss of the most important 
person in my life...for the guilt of failing her. I cried for Tara, 
too...or more precise, the guilt over Tara. When Buffy died, that's 
when I knew. When I watched her fall from that tower...when I heard 
her hit the cold, hard ground...when I saw her, bloody and broken 
beautiful body lying there, that's when I knew I loved her in a way 
I'd never loved anyone.

The first time I hurt myself, was in L.A. I had went to tell Angel 
about her death. It was an accident, really, how it all began. 
Cordelia and I were coming home from getting food when we were 
attacked in the restaurant parking lot. Thankfully, I was balanced 
enough to float a few branches and dusted the pair of vamps pretty 
quickly. But not before one of them hit me. I had a nice bruise on my 
cheek and I remember looking in the mirror and staring at it. And I 
saw Buffy, all bruised, on the ground...and the next thing I knew, my 
hand was a fist and the fist was pounding my arm.

I was black and blue all over my left arm. Cordelia saw it and I said 
I must have fallen harder than I thought when the vampire hit me.

After that, it was easy, routine even. 

The darkness would come and I'd slip away to take care of 
it...sometimes hitting, sometimes cutting. Bruises were alot easier 
to explain...especially since I was patrolling every night.

When Buffy came back...when we brought her back...when I brought her 
back, it stopped...for a few weeks. I was so happy to see her, to hug 
her, to smell her, I didn't even acknowledge the darkness when it 
came knocking. Slowly but surley, tho', it crept in...reminding me 
that I was in love with her...telling me that I was using Tara, that 
I was bad, evil even.

So I went back to it...to the bruises and the cuts. Tara didn't 
notice, at first. She was almost as wrapped up in my slayer's return 
as I was. 

Then there was a song.

The second I heard those words...

{<i>'There was no pain, no fear no doubt, til' they pulled me out, of 
heaven...I think I was in heaven...'</i>}

That was when I knew...I was bad, I was evil. 

So I punished myself. Brusies, cuts, they weren't enough, so I found 
him...the man who jacked me up with magicks so strong, I couldn't see 
straight for 2 days. And all it cost me, was my body. I sold myself 
for the abuse. Everyone thought it was power I wanted, mega witch.

That was the farthest thing from the truth. I wanted pain, I wanted 
to be punished. I got more pain than I bargained for. Tara left me, I 
nearly killed Dawnie, Buffy hated me.

I had nothing left.

So I decided to do the only thing I could.

That's when Spike knew.

He found me, in the cemetery, black and blue, blood pouring from one 
arm. He knew what I'd done...he said he knew this wasn't the first 
time, that he'd smelled my blood before. He had planned on talking to 
me about it. Then Buffy went to him...to fight, to vent and they 
ended up bringing the house down, literally...and I was all 
forgotten. 

He carried me to his crypt and cleaned my wounds.

That's when Buffy knew. She came in for another vent session and 
found me there. When she saw my face, my black eye, my busted lip, 
she freaked. I'll never forget the look in her eyes...that's when I 
knew...she loved me the way I loved her.

She demanded to know who did it, promising to kill them slowly and 
when I told her it was me, when I broke down and told her everything 
that had happened since she died, she held me close to her, cradling 
me in her strong arms, kissing my head and telling me it was going to 
be ok...that she was never leaving me again. Then she made me look at 
her, both of us teary and she told me she loved me...that she had 
always loved me and in that more than best friendly way.

Then she carried me home, to our home, to our bed and she held me 
while I slept and when I woke up in arms of Buffy, there was no 
darkness.

That didn't stop her from spanking me into the next day, tho'. And I 
thought Tara spanked hard. I spent a good 2 hours over her lap, being 
scolded and warned that if I ever, EVER harmed myself in any way 
again, I would not sit for a year.

That was a year ago. 

Last week, we celebrated our one year anniversary. Tara was at the 
party...we're still good friends, she's still a part of the 
family...and she's dating Giles now. Xander and Anya finally got 
married and Dawnie is dating some kid named Andrew. He's a total geek 
but sweet.

Last week was another anniversary...one year since I last hurt 
myself. Buffy gave me two gifts...a new computer for the us being 
together...and an engagement ring, for the no hurty me.

Oh, I felt the desire...the urge...alot...and each time I did, I went 
to my slayer and she put me over her lap and helped me through 
it...just like she did this morning. 

It was so strong, so loud, so suffocating.

Just like it is now.

I can't breathe.

But I can't let them down...I can't let her down.

Faith talks to me, she's been here...she knows what it's like. But 
she kicked it in prison. I'm happy for her, I am. She's changed so 
much...she's so great with the girls...Buffy really appreciates the 
help. It's not easy training 37 slayer possibles for the biggest 
battle the hellmouth has ever seen.

When I was researching the First a few weeks ago, when we first 
realized what we were up against...I found something. A club, on the 
edge of town. I had no idea it even exsisted, tho' I'm betting Spike 
knows about it. Which is why i have to be super careful when I go 
tonight. Buffy thinks I'm picking up a book over in the next town 
from an old contact of Giles. Giles has the girls on some, slayer 
ritual in the dessert, so he can't give me away.

The only problem I have, is how do I hide the brusies?

See, it's a special club...and I'm going to get punished. 

Buffy won't bruise me and I need bruises...

I NEED BRUISES.

















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Willow: "It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in."
Buffy:  "I kinda love you."
                     'Choices'

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