FIC: "Madness Used To Be Mine" (5/12) REPOST

Willow swallowed a little at Buffy?s gaze on her and the backwards move she just had.

The slayer propped herself on her elbow, she tried to pull herself together.

"Willow it's? I know you were trying to help but, this isn't the right way. I mean, I'm a little confused right now. I know you didn't mean bad but it's, well, weird. I'm not mad, Will but-"

"It's ok. I understand. I know what you mean. I just couldn't help it."

Buffy frowned, "What do you mean?"

"I mean that I didn't do it to comfort you. Buffy I? I think I'm in love with you."

"What?! I mean, what are you talking about?"

"Ever since we slept together-"

"Wait wait, wait, we didn't sleep together. Ok, I guess we did, but we were just experimenting, Will. Nothing serious."

"I know but then, I began having all these feelings for you. And I've met a girl, Tara. And she and I are getting close. I didn't know if it was just a revelation of my sexual orientation or if it really was you. Now I guess it's both."

Buffy couldn't believe it. She didn't know how to react.

Willow reached for the slayer?s hand but Buffy moved backwards again, "Don't. I can't. I can't do that, Will. I?I." Buffy got out of the bed and walked out of the room.

Willow swallowed; she pulled herself together as to not cry.

She moved to her own bed and lied on top of the cover. She stared thoughtfully at the ceiling.

Buffy walked back in the room half an hour later. Her hair was wet and Willow knew she'd gone to take a shower. She couldn?t have gone out in her nightdress anyway.

Willow stayed silent. Buffy took a panty that she put on. She took her blue jeans and put it on very fast too then she headed to her best friend's bed. Willow sat on it.

They remained silent.

"I'm sorry, Willow. I didn't mean to freak out like that."

Willow didn't say anything.

"I was caught off guard. I just hadn't seen that coming. I?. You're really just too important to me to spoil anything. You're my best friend, Willow."

"Friendship evolves, Buffy. It's like life. It changes and-"

"I don't love you like that, Willow. And I'm straight."

"I was straight too. Besides, you really like what I can do to you for a straight girl."

"Willow." Buffy didn't know how to stop this conversation without hurting her best friend's feeling.

One thing for sure; she couldn't go on with the sex talk because truth was; Buffy had never come like she?d come this evening, and second to that was the other time with Willow.

Buffy hadn't thought about that then, she?d thought she couldn't compare due to her lack of experience with men, but now that she thought about it, she hadn't had a real orgasm like she had on the two nights with Willow.

She knew that, but it was the last thing to tell the redhead if she wanted her to understand.

"Look Will, I'm ready to listen to you. I'm not freaked out at all about your new inclination if that's what it is, you know. Tell me about this girl, Tara."

"Right now I?d rather talk about you and I, Buffy."

"There's no you and I, Will, other than best friendly type of you and I."

"But-"

"I'm with Riley. I'm straight and I have a boyfriend, and I like things that way. I'm sorry, Will. It just can't be. You have to understand and get this out of your head now."

Buffy got up, she took her nightdress off, put a bra, took a top that she quickly put on, ignoring Willow's sulking face.

"I have to go now."

"But it's night. Where are you going?"

"I need to get some news of Riley."

"Please, stay."

"I'm sorry, Willow. I have to go. I think it's best for now."

She walked out of their room.

Willow couldn't stay in the room either, Buffy's scent was everywhere and the negative words she?d told her were even more present.

It was late but she headed to Tara's. She was the only one Willow wanted to see right now.

When Tara opened the door and saw Willow, red eyes and dramatic look on her face, she pulled her closer into a hug.

Willow started crying again.

Tara didn't know what had happened but could guess it had to do with Buffy.

They settled on Tara's bed and after calming down Willow explained her friend what she'd done and said, and how Buffy had reacted.

Tara squeezed the back of Willow's hand.

"I'm really sorry, Willow."

"I knew. I knew it would be no, I knew I should never tell her but? It was just so strong suddenly and I thought she could feel the same, or? I don't know anymore. This is driving me crazy. I never thought she would freak out on me like that. Now we're not even friends anymore."

"No, don't say that Willow. She t-told you she still was. It was a little surp-prising, maybe disturbing for her. Plus she still had Riley and the fight in mind. But she's still your f-friend."

Willow looked sad, "I can't believe I did that. And telling her was even worse. I can't believe?" Willow trailed off and lied on her back with a long sigh.

"I think you just need to rest and th-think quietly, she will do the same on her own and I'm sure as soon as she's reassured ab-bout Riley, she'll talk to you about all of this. And I'm really sure she's not mad anyway, just confused. She probably doesn't want to hurt you. It must have taken her by s-surprise and she didn't really know how she was supposed to react. But it will all be better tomorrow Willow. I'm sure about that."

"But she still won't want me." Willow sadly told her.

"That's h-her loss, I mean?"

Willow propped herself on her elbow and gave the blonde witch a gentle smile.

"I just meant that, well, if she's f-found something good, she's right to cling to it. But you're so awesome Willow. You will find someone else. Someone who w-won't pass on the most wonderful girl on earth."

Willow smiled at her and reached for the blonde witch's face.

They were staring at each other and Willow moved her face closer while gently pulling Tara's to her. They kissed, softly at first but the kiss deepened until Tara broke it.

"Willow, I?" Tara dampened her lips, "I don't th-think this is a good idea."

Why was the obvious question in Willow's eyes.

"I don't want to be the," Tara trailed off but rebound girl hadn't been far from her lips.

"I'm sorry, Tara. I didn't mean it like that. I-I-"

"It's ok, Willow. I just think that you're confused right now and it's p-probably not the best time to add some more confusion. I think you need time to s-set your mind clear."

Willow lowered her gaze, "I know. You're right. I'm sorry."

Tara lifted her chin with a smile, "It's ok."

Willow tried to smile but it was hard, she sat on the bed, "I guess you think it's better if I sleep in my room tonight, right?"

"No," Tara said while gently pulling the redhead on her side, in front of her again, "I think you shouldn't be alone right now. I think you're just right, here."

Tara smiled at her and Willow smiled back.

The redhead moved closer and snuggled up into Tara's arms.

They fell asleep after a little while.

Two days went by. Buffy patrolled intensively to try and find Adam. She kept going to Forrest and Graham for news on Riley?s state but only got the same 'he's fine' answer.

It was frustrating for her, mostly since she kind of avoided being alone with Willow which she would have normally done to be comforted in such a situation. But she'd received enough 'comfort' from her best friend. She didn't really know how to act around her so she mainly focused on finding Adam and getting news of her boyfriend, hoping that the redhead would 'get over' this on her own. She only talked to Willow in class or during the Scooby meetings.

Willow seemed to be doing fine; she never tried to mention this again or tried be especially alone with Buffy or anything like that so Buffy thought it was going to go away.

Willow was rather quiet these days. She was doing a lot of thinking herself. She didn't want to lose her best friend, she kept thinking of all the good best friendly moments they'd had.

Some things had obviously changed and she knew she was still confused by the whole girl attraction. There was Tara. The older witch was so sweet, so patient, so caring with her. She was everything Willow loved in her lovers; she was everything Willow would normally choose. Willow wanted to go that way. Tara's way. Most of all she knew Buffy was nothing but a no way out, and she knew it was different from Tara. It was an impulse, a wild impulse that Willow didn't know she could feel. Every time she looked at the slayer she wanted to fuck her senselessly. That's how it felt. She couldn't help it. She wanted to touch her, kiss her, lick every inch of skin she could.

Willow couldn't handle feeling this.

It wasn't love; it was obsession, she knew it. Or at least this is how she looked at it now. It was nothing like the tender relationship she was building with Tara. Or the one she had with Oz.

It was nothing like that, nothing good or beautiful but it didn?t prevent that feeling to become everything that was left of Willow every time she couldn?t control it.

As wrong as it was, it overcame everything else.

But so far, these two days had been rather easy as Willow thought. She'd focused on Tara and her classes. She?d tried even harder to think she didn't want her best friend.

Willow started thinking she was on the good path.

Before Buffy, out of patience, decide to break through the Initiative to get Riley out of it, the young soldier showed up.

He'd finally been able to get out of the infirmary and Buffy had been his first visit of course.

They were all gathered at Giles. Buffy was extra cuddly with her boyfriend while they were talking about Adam and how to find and fight him.

The phone rang.

The call was for Buffy. They all saw her face crumbling down a little.

She hung up.

"Buffy, what's wrong?" Riley inquired.

Buffy looked at her friends, "It's Faith. She's awake."

Willow and Xander's faces turned sombre.

Riley looked perplexed while Giles was already in deep thoughts. He looked bothered too.

"She beat somebody up, took their clothes and got out."

Buffy looked really thoughtful, troubled even.

"What are you gonna do, Buff?"

Buffy was too disturbed to give Xander the 'that's the question? look.

"Now we have two homicidal killers on the loose. That's? not good." Willow said and pouted again.

"We need to find Faith." Buffy stated.

Willow frowned, "Adam could be more dangerous, and we're sure that he's here. Faith is probably gone now."

"I think Willow's right. I mean, we should probably not forget Adam."

"No. I mean, yes, you keep researching on him. Me? I need to find Faith first."

Willow got up to face her friend, "Why?"

She sounded strangely dry as the others thought.

Buffy frowned, "What do you want to do, Will? Go out find her fists with your face?"

"I didn't mean for this. But why should you find Faith first rather than Adam?"

Xander frowned, he didn't understand why this really mattered and why his best friend looked suddenly so mad as Buffy looked aside.

Riley tentatively tried as he got up in his turn, "Err, who's Faith?"

"She's?" Buffy trailed off and Willow looked even more angry.

"Buffy. Don't you think we should all go after her?"

Buffy looked at her watcher, "Giles, we don't know where she is, what she?s thinking or feeling. Maybe she's sorry, or maybe she doesn't even remember."

"Who cares that she remembers or not? She's a psychotic killer. She needs to be locked up for good. Or worse."

Buffy stared at the redhead.

Everyone in the room was surprised by their angry stare at each other.

Buffy turned around, "I'm gonna find her."

"Buffy? Buffy, wait?!"

Riley went after the slayer. He caught up with her outside of Giles? house.

"I'm going with you. And maybe you can tell me on the way who that girl is that gets you all in that state."

"No, you're not coming."

"Psychotic killer, Buffy. I heard that, so sorry but I'm not letting you alone chasing her."

"Yes you are. Faith is a slayer, yes, she was called when Kendra died. Kendra had been called when I drowned briefly. Something went down last year and Faith switched side. We fought and she ended up in a coma."

"And you feel bad about that, don?t you?"

Buffy didn't reply.

"Buffy, if that girl hasn?t changed and if you go fight her in that state, letting your emotions take over, you're going to be the one ending up at the hospital. I'm not letting that happening."

"I just need to find her for now and see how she is. I'll deal according to her reactions."

"Then I'll deal with you."

"No. You can't understand. Besides, if you're with me, we won't find her."

"I can track people down too, Buffy."

"Not a slayer. She won't show up if you're there."

"Why?"

"Listen, I don?t have time to explain. I need to act now. You?re still recovering, Riley. You?d rather go back inside and help the others with Adam. Faith is my territory."

She stated rather firmly and left without more words.

Riley was confused and even a little offended.

He went back inside and asked about Faith. He didn't understand Buffy's reaction. She was confusing him on that one. So he needed to know why. But even after the whole detailed summary of last year, he still couldn't see why Buffy was so into finding Faith. And he was curious too about that third person in the mix that the others very briefly detailed.

Willow still look bothered but Riley put that on the account that Faith once tried to kill her. He didn?t look further into this; he was too preoccupied by Buffy's reaction.