Fic: Selfless-Missing Scene (1/1)

[Exiled <exiled@xxxxxxxxxx>]

Author: Exiled  
Email: Exiled@xxxxxxxxxx
Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy or Willow if I did then they would have been
making wild monkey love by the end of the second season.
BETA: The Great Goddess Ann Marie who is beyond wonderful and the only
reason I'm posting this here.
Summary: As normal this is a scene I wish would have been on the show.


Selfless - The Missing Scene


So, Xander lied to Buffy.

He told Buffy that I said to kick Angel's ass.

Why does it matter so much to me, now? It happened nearly five years ago,
why can't I let it go?

I'm sitting on the bed that used to be Buffy's, in what used to be Buffy's
room and I'm wondering when my best friend went all 'Dirty Harry.' Let face
it, by declaring she "is the law" Buffy's game has gone 'round the bend.'

I don't know why I can't let the idea of Xander's betrayal go - I could
never understand why Buffy had to run away for an entire summer to deal.

Now I know. 

And the timing is right for one other major thing in her life that I never
noticed before, it was after that summer she started pulling away from us.

The more I think about her pulling back from us, the more it makes sense,
and the more it makes sense, the more my stomach hurts as a feeling of dread
spreads through me.

Good goddess no wonder she never told us about Angel coming back, or about
the Deputy Mayor, well that's not quite true, she did tell me about the
Deputy Mayor. After the body was found and she was so afraid she couldn't
move. And even then it's all make with the crying for thirty seconds before
she shouts out her problem and never does tell Giles about most of it.

Or what about that awful TEST? The test Giles had to tell us the details
about because she never did. She never told us! We had to find out Giles
drugged her and betrayed her two years later - after she was dead!

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I never asked her about
it. I never asked her about a lot of things. Even when I did ask I was put
off by her vague excuses too easily.

I stand up, and check to make sure I still have something, something I don't
think it will matter if I use or not. I walk into the hall, then stop. What
I'm about to do could end our friendship. Then again, I think the real
friendship we shared ended the morning when Buffy went to fight Angel
thinking she had been abandoned.

I know what I have to do, I only hope I'm not too late.

"Buffy we need to talk," I say, walking into the room that once to belonged
to Tara and me. I have to pause by the door for a moment because no matter
how many different colors Buffy paints the room, no matter how many times
she changes the carpet, I still think I'll see Tara waiting for me. Sitting
on the bed like Buffy is right now.

"Sure, what's the up?" Buffy answers, with a slight smile that fades when
she sees me. I know she can see the pain and disappointment on my face. Even
after the magical rehab and months trying to get used to Tara being gone I
have to stop and breathe for just a moment. I have to remember to bring the
air into my lungs and then push it back out again. I wonder if Buffy chose
this room because she thought she was making things easier for me or because
she knew I would avoid it thus making things easier for her?

I shake my head trying to clear my mind. It doesn't matter why she chose it.
What matters is getting her to talk about . . . what I don't know yet. Just
talking would be nice.

Only how do I start this conversation? What do I say?

"I never told Xander to kick Angel's ass," did I really just say that? I
step further into the room and wonder at my boldness.

"Oh," Buffy blinks at me, and then refocuses on the magazine she's reading.
"Well, it's all water under the bridge, anyway, over and done," she says,
casually waving her hand in the air after flipping another page.

I know I'm being dismissed and normally that would be my cue to leave her
alone. Only this isn't normal.

"No, it's not Buffy, it's not over and done. You haven't talked to me about
what happened back then, not really." And again I'm surprised as the words
leave my mouth. It's as if someone has taken control and I'm just a
passenger. 

"Willow it happened over four years ago! I've moved on to other things," she
looks at me. Then adds with steel in her voice, "in case you haven't noticed
Angel's in LA." 

She stares at me and now it's more than being dismissed. She's actually
telling me to leave her alone. It's like a storm of emotion is brewing in
her eyes. 

Not going to happen, Slayer of mine, I'm not leaving this time.

"Yes, I did notice, I noticed you crying in my arms," I push closer to her.
Just taking the next step into the room feels like I'm walking against a
stiff wind. "I remember you crying in my arms over a boyfriend as if it was
expected." 

"Well, then you see, it's done, I've cried about it and moved on." Buffy
says and then very deliberately breaks eye contact by holding her magazine
between us. She's nearly crushing the magazine in her hand.

"No, Buffy," another step closer. "You cried about Angel leaving, period."

"Yes? Your point, Will?" she asks, finally putting the magazine down.

"You never talked to me about what it did to you to have to kill him," she
flinches. I press forward. "You never talked to me about how it felt to be
so worn down, so hurt, so betrayed by me and in such pain that all you could
do was run!" 

"What?" Her eyes are wide with shock. She sits straight up as the shock in
her eyes burns away into fierce fire.

"You never mentioned how you thought I'd betrayed you, betrayed the trust
you placed in me when we became friends." I see her start to breathe, in and
out, the way I did a few moments ago.

"Will, I didn't think you betrayed me," she says slowly, her voice measured.
"I agreed with you, I needed to kick his ass."

"Yes, you did Buffy," she stands up, her back is ramrod straight. "Buffy
it's been nearly five years and you just found out today that Xander lied,
why?" I try to keep the emotion out of my voice.

Her shoulders slump slightly in confusion at my question, I see some of the
fire drain out, as she considers it. She opens her mouth to say something,
closes it and opens it again.

"Its just . . . look Will, I love you, I do, but I just don't go around
talking about the most . . . "

"Why?" I interrupt.

"Will, I do not want to dredge up that entire mess again, it's done, over,
finished." Her fist hits her other hand to emphasize the word finished.

"No, it's not," calm, calm, I think to myself, say the words slowly,
non-threatening. 

"Ok, then tell me why you think it's not over, what do you think we could
possibly accomplish by dredging up the Angel issue?" She makes quotation
marks in the air and then turns to stomp over to the window.

"You were the person who brought him up this afternoon, not me, not Xander,"
I remind her. 

"Yes, because I had to go kill Anya! I couldn't get Xander to understand!"
Buffy swings around to pin me with her fiery eyes. I almost take a step
back. The first tingle of fear races down my spine as she suddenly seems to
fill the room. 

"Just like you couldn't kill Angel at first?"

All the air leaves her body, she shrinks before my eyes, her shoulders round
and her arms wrap tightly around her waist.

"Great so this it, remind me about the pain I caused you and Giles and
Xander by letting Angel kill Miss Calendar?"

Now it's my turn to be shocked, how could she think . . .

How could she not? I shake my head.

"No Buffy, Angelus killed Miss Calendar, not you, not Angel, it was not your
fault." 

"Yes it is, I mean, was!" She screams, "I had him, Will!" The shout turns
into a sob. She dashes at the tears suddenly streaming down her face.

"I had him, Will." She repeats calmly, nearly defeated. "After the Judge, I
had him on his knees, the stake pulled back, ready, and then he looked at me
and all I could see was Angel! All the people he killed, all the lives he
destroyed, that's on me. I didn't run because I had just murdered the man I
loved, I ran because everywhere I looked it reminded me of the people I
failed! All I could see was blood, the blood of the people I couldn't
protect, the blood of the people who were victims of the terror I unleashed
and then let free to. . . "

I go to her, I grab her shoulders, she's lost in the memory, her eyes are so
tortured. I gently shake her trying to get her back, get her back from that
awful time. 

"Buffy look at me. "

She does and it's like a switch has been thrown. Buffy steps back, wiping
her eyes. The feeling of dread returns, turning my stomach. She's staring
out the window again.

"Look Will, I get it that you want to talk about this I do, but as I said,
I'm over it." Buffy's voice is calm, measured. I know what I have to do.

"Buffy, you and I aren't leaving this room until we've talked about this,
until we've just sat and talked like we used to do before he went scary." I
say as I go back to the door and pull out the key that Tara had made.

"What did you do to the door?" She glances back as the lock clicks into
place. 

"It's called a lock, you know, put a key in, and turn it? Tara and I had to
have it installed after Dawn nearly. . .

"I so don't want to hear about what my sister almost saw," Buffy holds up
her hand. 

"I understand." 

"So no magic-a-mojo, just a good old fashion lock?" I think I've confused
her by not using magic.

Yay me, I guess. 

"Yes, just a lock in a normal wooden door that you could easily break with a
flick of your wrist. You can actually leave at anytime but that would prove
my point," I tell her as I walk to the bed and sit on the edge.

"And just what is your point, Will?" And the anger is back. "Why the sudden
need to be all with the Jerry Springer?" she asks taking a step forward,
toward me, and the room shrinks.

"Jerry Springer?" I ask, raising my eyebrow. "I was going more for Oprah or
maybe Ellen?" I force a smile trying to dispel some of the tension.

"Will?" 

I sigh and face away, how do I explain?

"Because Buffy, tonight I realized that you were open and we shared
everything back when you first came to Sunnydale. . . well besides the first
week our sophomore year. Then Angelus, then you started withdrawing and
never came back to us. We got used to you keeping things to yourself . . .
then tonight it hit me." She hasn't moved, she didn't interrupt and yet, I
feel the air in the room become heavy.

"What hit you Willow? 'Cause I'm about five seconds from hitting your nice
locked door." 

"No you aren't, you would never do that in front of me unless I was all
vieny," I bluff. 

"And you see Buffy, that's what happened with Angelus, and with Faith, and
that's what happened with me. The one person you always thought you would be
able to count on, I pulled you out of Heaven." I betrayed you, too.

Her facade crumbles for only a second, but a second is all I need to know
that I'm right. 

"Will, I know you think you're helping or trying to help, but really I'm
fine, I'm over it, all is forgiven, so just hand me the key 'cause I have to
go on patrol." Buffy walks over to where I'm sitting with her hand out.

"No." 

"What?" 

"No." 

"Willow, give me the key," she demands.

"Why? You could easily break the lock and the door," I point out the
obvious. 

"I don't want to have to pay for it."

"I'll pay for it, do it Buffy, you have the power, do it."

"No." 

"Exactly." 

"Huh?" 

"Buffy you won't break the door because for so long you've imposed restraint
on your power. You are the most powerful woman, or man, or I mean person on
earth. First you restrained yourself because you wanted to fit in like every
normal girl, then . . . " She puts up her hand in a stopping motion.

"Get to the point Willow! I'm tired of analyze Buffy time," and there is a
soft growl in her voice.

"Ok, this is what I want to say Buffy - you must let us back into your life
- into your world. If you don't then you will lose yourself in your power,
in the Slayer." 

At my words she steps back and crosses her arms with a knowing smirk.

"Aren't you confusing me with someone else, Willow? I wasn't the one who. .
. " I cut her off, her words can no longer damage me.

"No I'm not, you were the one that would have killed me, whose job it was to
kill me, whose job it was to kill your sister! Who had to kill the man she
loved, and who may one day have to stake one of us." I stand up and step
forward with each word, her arms fall to her sides, she matches each of my
steps back until the wall stops her.

Buffy is staring up at me like a deer in the headlights, a beat, two beats,
I find the Buffy I used to know in her eyes.

"Each second of everyday you think about the pain, the pain it will cause
you to kill one of us or the pain if you don't. You paused with Angelus, you
blinked because you were human and you will never ever forget."

I see can the lost child, the lost best friend who wants, no needs, to be
touched, to be loved. Then she blinks and the hardened Slayer stares back at
me. 

And now it's like she's looming over me.

"So not the point!" Buffy steps forward, she doesn't raise her voice but her
words echo in the room.

"It's exactly the point!" I try to answer, but I'm off balance.

"I've never flayed a man! You did, you're the one with the problem, not me,
now give me the key!" Buffy demands again, stepping forward as I retreat.

"Not until we talk about Angel," I insist, standing straight, trying to hold
my ground. 

"There is nothing to talk about! I'm over it," another step, another
retreat. 

"Then let's talk about Heaven, or Anya, or. . . "

"No, there is nothing to say about them, it's over. Now give me the key."

"No," I gather all my resolve, all my courage and I stop. The ominous wind
is back in the air making breathing impossible, she's trying to break my
will, she's challenging me.

Not an inch separates us, Witch and Slayer, sisters in every way, I see her
blink - and then the current in the room changes again, this time the
feeling of complete and utter helplessness fills me until my legs collapse
under me and I sit on the bed.

"I can't look back, can't you understand, I can't look back at. . . Faith,
Angel, you, Heaven," her voice a horse whisper. "If I do it will crush me,
can't you see? Just once can't you please try?" The tears are back, they're
streaming down her face. "You murdered one man! One man who had murdered
Tara! You weren't trying to kill me! You have two deaths staining your
heart, you have just two faces you see at night in your dreams, I have so,
so many more." She stops the flow of words and just shakes her head.

I reach up and take her cold hand in mine.

"That's it Buffy, you don't have to be the only one carrying their faces,
you don't have to be the only one who feels the pain, you can share it with
us." 

"Like Xander would listen, or Dawn maybe?" Buffy shakes her head, "yeah, I
really want those images in my baby sister's dreams."

"If you don't start letting us back in, letting yourself be human again,
then the power will win," I want her to understand me, for her to let me in
just this once. 

A sad smile graces her lips.

"No, Willow, the Power has won. The First Slayer was right, I am alone, and
what's more I like it this way." She easily pulls her hand out of my grasp,
walks over to the door and twists the knob, shattering the lock.

End
_________________
"I am a Christian liberal. I am a liberal because I am a Christian. What's
more, I am not a Republican conservative because I am a Christian." - Brooks
Harrington




Willow: "It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in."
Buffy:  "I kinda love you."
                     'Choices'

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