FIC: Never Free III

["xenarip13" <xenarip13@xxxxxxxxx>]

Title: Never Free III
Please see prologue for all disclaimers.



Never Free III  Confrontation

Buffy lays her head on her knees listening to Willow breathe.  She 
would sleep, but that only happens when her body just drops from 
exhaustion.  The slayer isn't afraid of much anymore.  The truth be 
told only two perhaps three things frighten the slayer.  One, she is 
afraid of sleeping not due to nightmares, but dreams of what used to 
be when she could pretend she was happy.  Two, the thought of never 
dying and constantly being in and causing others pain for eternity.  
Finally, Willow dying because of something she did or did not do.

"I almost let that happen,"   Buffy whispers, "I am going to stop 
hurting you soon, Willow.  I promise."

`You're promises don't mean shit!' her mind accuses her.

"No.  I guess they don't, but none the less it will be over soon and 
she can give up on me for good."

`Like she did the last time?' 

"She wouldn't do that again."  Buffy counters, "She wouldn't want to 
hurt me like that again."

`Unlike what you did to her?'  Her mind laughs bitterly at her.

"I won't hurt her ever again after&"

"Buffy?!"  Willow sits up suddenly tearing Buffy from her self 
torture.

"I'm here, Willow," Buffy turns and kneels to face Willow, "I'm right 
here."

Willow looks at the woman in front of her.  She can't see her face 
which is shadowed by her hair.  She reaches out to touch the slayer, 
but Buffy quickly leans away.

"Don't Willow&please don't touch me&"  Buffy whispers pleading.

"I&"  Willow stammers with the hurt of denial, "I&should despise you&
but I can't."

"You should."  Buffy answers, "You should have given up and let me 
go."

"When&when h-have I ever done that?"  Willow almost laughs at the 
absurdity of the suggestion, "I'm not like you, Buffy."

"No, you're so much better&so much better than me."  Buffy whispers.  
She looks through her curtain of hair at Willow.

"I&I want to see who I'm talking to.  I feel that its you, but if I 
can't touch you to feel you are real, can't I at least see your face?"

"I'm not the same, Willow."  Buffy warns.

"I know.  I feel the differences, but I want to see you.  I deserve 
it.  I have earned all that you owe me," Willow puts on her resolve 
face.

"I owe you everything.  I just want to&" `spare you.'  Her mind 
finishes, but she only shakes her head.

Buffy reaches up to her face.  She lowers her face as she pulls back 
her hair tying it with a band.   She feels Willow waiting.  Slowly, 
she raises her face to look at her best friend.  She watches as the 
red-head's eyes search her face.  She sees the sorrow crossing 
Willow's face.

"Don't feel sorry for me, Willow.  I don't deserve it.  I earned 
everything you see."

"How can you say that?  No one deserves pain&no one," Willow sighs.

Willow looks carefully into her best friend's face.  It is almost 
exactly the same except the scar that mars its beauty.  Her eyes, 
though a deeper, brighter blue, are almost dead of emotion.  The scar 
runs from the top left hairline down and across her left eye over 
part of her left cheek then it takes a jagged swing over the bridge 
of her nose and finishes by running down her right cheek to end at 
her jaw line.  It isn't wide, but thin and lighter in tone than the 
rest of her skin.  It isn't horribly disfiguring, but definitely 
noticeable.  The brilliant blue eyes could almost make you forget the 
scar if they had any life in them.  Willow, forgetting Buffy's 
earlier plea, reaches out as if to touch the slayer's face.

"No!" Buffy panics fleeing in a scramble across the floor, "You can't 
touch me&not ever&"

"Why?!" Willow stands up from the couch shaking, "You've been gone so 
long&I know you were hiding on purpose, but I don't know why!"

As Willow is speaking, Buffy takes a good look at her Wiccan friend.  
Willow is severely thin. The red-head has always been pale almost 
creamy in skin tone, but now she is gaunt and almost see through if 
that were possible.   Buffy sees the curves of her friend's body have 
become angles.  The loveliness of her face now detracted from by the 
drawn in cheeks and dark circles under her eyes.
"You're a ghost of yourself."  Buffy mumbles.

Willow doesn't hear her as she watches the shock on Buffy's face 
knowing it is her own appearance that has caused it.

"Did you leave because of Spike? Was it something one of us did?  I 
did?  Why didn't you come back?  You always come back."  Willow feels 
the tears fill her eyes, "Please stand up&I won't touch you, but let 
me see you&please&"

"All right Willow&I'll give you what I can&"

Buffy stands where she has been huddled on the floor.  She hears 
Willow gasp as she realizes the changes aren't just her face.  Buffy 
is now as tall as the witch and where she once had long slender 
muscles instead she is cut with solid toned muscle.  Still slim, but 
no dangerous looking.  She looks like what someone would think a 
slayer would look like.

"Was this why you didn't come back?" Willow asks quietly, "Was it the 
scar and the changes?"

"I&part of it&"  Buffy swallows.

"Your voice&so different."

Buffy lifts her chin showing Willow the scar that begins where the 
bottom of her left ear and jaw line meet running diagonal across her 
larynx and disappearing into the collar of her shirt.  It is 
identical in comparison to the one that has cut across her face in 
its appearance.

"It's not&" Buffy drops her head so she is looking at the 
floor, "It's not just the physical scars, Willow&"  she looks up 
catching Willow's eyes, "I am scarred in ways that don't show on the 
surface and I never want you to see those&so you can never touch me&"

"I feel them Buffy&I already know they exist."  Willow argues.

"But I know&I know if you touch me you'll see them and that can never 
be&not ever&I'm sorry."

"Are you Buffy?!"  Willow raises her voice, "Are you sorry?  Did you 
come back because your sorry or because of guilt?!"  Willow is 
shaking, "Which is it Buffy?!...Because I'm not sure you really have 
remorse or regret for what you did!  So, why did you come back?"

`There's the anger.'  Buffy stares not knowing what to say. `I'm not 
sorry.  I had to leave.  I am guilty of almost killing you, but I am 
sorry for that&tell her that you idiot!'

"Why?!" Willow yells.

"I am guilty for almost killing you, but I'm not sorry I left, 
because I had to.  I am sorry I had to hurt you and that I'm still 
hurting you now&" Buffy stumbles on her feet, but gets her 
balance, "You&I came back for you&" Buffy holds Willow's gaze for a 
moment before turning and walking out to find her room.

Willow lets out the breath she had been holding.  She sits on the 
couch heavily.  She could feel the truth in Buffy's answer.

"You came back for me, but why do I feel like you aren't telling me 
everything about that?  Why do I feel you aren't planning on 
staying?"  The red-head closes her eyes as both tears of relief and 
dread run down her cheeks.

TBC




Willow: "It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in."
Buffy:  "I kinda love you."
                     'Choices'

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