Author: Angela
E-Mail: glasswrks@yahoo.com
Copyright: Nov. 13, 1999
Disclaimer: Joss owns the characters from "Buffy: The
Vampire Slayer." No copyright infringement is
intended, this is a non-profit venture.
Author's Note: This is what might be considered angstfilled.
Spoilers: Yes, for "Wild At Heart" and others toonumerous to mention.
Rating: 'G'
Distribution: Just ask.
I look at my blank computer screen and wonder how to
start, then it comes to me.
"I love you."I heard Buffy say.
The only thing I could do was smile sadly and nod myhead.
I was too upset to think straight, to ponder themeaning of those three
words.
My mind had shut down.I hadn't heard Buffy calling out to me earlier...
I didn't see the car...I didn't care.I was a walking mass of pain.
I've felt this pain before, perhaps not exactly thesame...
But, the anguish I had inside me was fast becoming anold friend.
First it was Xander...The one I thought I loved...
By the time the 'clothes fluke' came, I was all readywith Oz.
Yes, we had gone behind everyone's back, and we bothpaid a heavy price.
It took a while to even be in the same room togetherwithout feeling guilty.
The damage to our friendship is something we're still
fixing, we know it's never going be the same.
The closeness that defined our childhood relationshipis gone.
That something I truly miss, that's not to say we
can't talk to each other anymore, we do.It's just different.He's a boy...
A man now.Not just 'Xander'.I had always thought Xander would be my
'first'...
It wasn't meant to be, someone else was his first...
I can still remember the pain I felt when I heard'who' Xander had slept
with...
Faith...I wanted to kill her for taking something she had noright to...
She took away my innocence...She took 'my' Xander from
me.~~~~~~~~~~Buffy...
There was a pain I wasn't ready for...
When Buffy left without a word, the loss was felt byeveryone.
But it had hit me the hardest... I think.
I had lost someone who had fast become my friend.
Someone who didn't cared that I was the school 'geek'.
Someone who wasn't concerned that my clothes weren'tin style.
Someone who liked me because of 'who' I was: WillowRosenberg.
I couldn't have been happier when Buffy returned fromher self-imposed
exile.
That's not to say I wasn't upset, I was.
But we worked it out and our friendship becamestronger, or so I thought...
Then came Faith...And my life was turned upside down once again when I
thought that Faith had taken my spot in Buffy's heart.
When it seemed as if Buffy was shutting me out... Ihad wanted to lash out.
To hurt Buffy the way she was hurting me.I couldn't...Not really...
I cared too much...Buffy was...IS...
To this point in my young life, the only 'true' femalefriend I've ever
had...
And there's nothing I would not do to protect thatfriendship...
Even if I have to do some things I would have never...
ever thought of doing before.
I still can't believe some of the things I shouted at
her while we were trapped during the Halloween partywe went to.
I wanted to take them back as soon as I said them but
I couldn't, to many things were happening.We're
okay...~~~~~~~~~~Cordelia...
The one person who I never considered as a rival forXander's affections...
To see them kissing, holding hands...
Something I had wanted for myself since I was achild...
It's funny sometimes how life works...
I did something that I never in my wildest dreams everthought would
occur...
I caused Cordelia Chase to feel pain.
That thought still boggles my mind at times...
Now, as I look back, I only hope that Cordelia; the
main tormentor in my formative years, finds happiness.
The same happiness I thought I had with Oz.~~~~~~~~~~Oz...
Even now, his name causes tears to spill from my eyes.
We had been through so much...Then something changed...I knew...
I could feel the attraction between Oz and 'her' the
first time I saw them together.I could see the way Oz seemed hypnotized by
'her'
presence.But I never believed that Oz would betray me...
That he would ever cause me pain.
When I walked down the stairs; bearing coffee and
donuts, my only thoughts were on him.
I hoped that he hadn't hurt himself trying to get out.
I know that my world is far from perfect, but it's as
close as I'm going to get living in Sunnydale.
I had someone in my life that loved me and showed itin every way possible.
Oz loved me...Seeing Oz and 'her' together, ripped my heart toshreds.
I left him after he tried to explain...I couldn't stand to hear his
voice...
Not with 'her' standing there.Even when he sent her away, I couldn't shake
the
revulsion I felt.That's when I ran away.~~~~~~~~~~
When Buffy left to find Oz, my first thoughts were of
revenge, I wanted him to feel pain...
To feel a small portion of what I was feeling.
The curse would have worked, had I placed his pictureinto the flame.
But I couldn't do it...After everything that had happened...I still loved
him.
~~~~~~~~~~I had never seen him fight to the death before whilehe was a
werewolf.
I never... ever really thought that he might comeafter me...
I always believed that he would know who I was...
Would still love me regardless...I was wrong.If it hadn't been for Buffy...
Oz would have attacked, leaving me either dead, orwishing I was.
After Buffy had shot him with the dart gun, I could
feel her arms around me, comforting me...Being there for me...
As I would always try to be there for her.~~~~~~~~~~
Later, when I walked into his room and saw the bag onhis bed...
The small portion of my heart that still lived...Died.He was leaving...
And I had no idea when, or if he was ever returning.We talked, and I
cried...
I didn't want him to leave...We held each other one last time...
And then he was gone.~~~~~~~~~~Buffy found me later... she always does.
I don't remember getting back to the dorm, or when sheput me to bed.
All I remember is that the whole night, she stayedwith me...
Even when I woke up during the night, she was there,sleeping next to me...
Ready to lend a shoulder to cry on...My protector...
"I love you Buffy," I whispered.
I looked on in surprise, when her eyes fluttered open,
filled with concern and compassion.
"Love you too Will... go to sleep," she answered.
~~~~~~~~~~
She told me the next day what happened in the woods..I wonder who the men
are?
I guess we'll find out sooner or later.Gotta go...Someone's at the
door.
END