kacoe@nac.net
Disclaimer: I am a gnat in the world that is Joss. All characters belong to him and Mutant Enemy. I'm only borrowing them.
Summary: My contribution to the 'New Years' theme.
Spoilers: No spoilers here. This is my buffyverse.
Distribution: Just drop me a line and it's yours to archive.
Author's Notes: Feedback = Food. Thoughts are enclosed in < > and flashbacks are enclosed in <<< >>>
"Buffy, that's so awesome!" The redhead was glowing with excitement.
"I guess I'd be as excited as you are if I knew exactly what it was, Will."
"It's a . . . it's a custom built computer! 500mhz Pentium three, with a fifteen gig hard drive, CD burner, DVD player and a 50K V.90 modem! And look, a seventeen inch monitor! Buffy, this is heaven! You're father must REALLY know how to shop!" As the words flew out of her mouth, he hands were gesturing to each item she'd rattled off. Not that Buffy would remember where any of it was in five minutes.
"Geez, Will . . . take it easy. You gonna hook me up, or what? Because, I for one only know slayerspeak, not computereze."
"Seriously? You want me to do it?" Her eyes were wide with delight.
"I trust you Will. I'd probably blow something up anyway." The slayer smiled and left her friend to un-pack and set-up.
An hour and a half later, Willow took a step back and admired her work. A few buttons pushed, a whirr here and there, and it was up and running. Soon Willow took on the role of teacher and was showing Buffy the ropes.
". . .and if you double click on this, it brings up your mail program, like so . . .then you can go up here to where the mouth icon is and you can go into a campus chat room." She was really in her element.
"Neat. Campus chat room? That sounds kind of cool." Buffy clicked on the icon and was transported into a welcome lobby.
They both sat there and watched the conversation scroll by. "Man, Will . . . this is kinda harsh, don't you think? Doesn't the campus monitor these chats?"
"No, they're not monitored. You can basically go in there and say and talk about anything you want. It's a free speech thing, you know? Besides, this is only a lobby, there are much better rooms around."
Buffy gave her a look of shock. "Will? I never took you for a chatter? What kind of rooms do you go into?"
Willow fell silent. Now how was she gonna answer this one? "I, uh . . . well . . .there's a whole bunch of rooms . . . I can't really think of one right now." She stammered.
"You're blushing, Will. When you blush, I KNOW something's up. Come on, spill!"
"Well . . ."
"Come on, Will. Pleeeeeeessssseeee! With a cherry on top?" Buffy gave her the best wounded puppy look. "I'll be your best friend?"
"You ARE my best friend, Buffy."
"And who better to share this with than your best friend?" Buffy pouted.
That did it. How could Willow resist a Buffy-pout? "Ok, well. Hold on a second." She went over to her side of the room and booted up her computer.
Buffy watched from the other side of the room. In just a few moments, a box appeared on her screen.
"Will, I think I broke it. Something just came up on my screen."
"That's just me, Buffy. I'm inviting you to a chat . . ." Willow turned around and smiled at her friend.
"Oh, OK, I knew that."
"Yeah . . .just click the OK button to accept the chat."
Majik1: Hey you.
Duster: Hey yerself. This is cool Will. Now I no what u do om the computr all the time.
Majik1: Yeah, you'll get the hang of it and make lots of on-line friends. Slow down though, you have to watch your spelling. You are a college sutdent after all.
Duster: Student you mean?.
Majik1: Ha, ha. Very funny. I find chats by clicking on the random button up top. You never know where you're going to land. Try it!
After a few days, Buffy was chatting on her own and making a lot of friends in the chat rooms. She'd get in from patrol around one or two, and then jump on for a quick chat. There was always someone on at any hour. She finally felt connected to people her age on campus.
-------------
Buffy made her way down the hall and unlocked the door. "Will? You here?" She flipped on all the lights and looked at the bulletin board.
Buffy, Studying late at the library. Be back when my head hurts. ~~Will
<That could be a while.> Buffy smiled to herself at the thought of Willow. Her best friend was certainly in her element here on campus. She'd changed so much in the past year; had Buffy missed it, she probably wouldn't have been able to recognize her at all. She's come such a long way since she met Oz. It's like he brought her out of her shell. Now he was gone, and it seemed as though Willow would revert to her old self. She didn't though. She hung on and was stronger for it. She paid more attention to how she looked and started wearing makeup. Who knew such a beautiful person was hiding under all of those bulky sweaters . . . and her eyes sparkled . . . and her hair . . .<Stop it! Bad Buffy!>
Buffy shook her head as if the movement would get the thoughts out of her head. She felt guilty for thinking about her friend like that. She decided that she needed a distraction. <Let's see who's online . . .>
Buffy booted up her computer and went to her mail program. Nothing but junk. She clicked on the chat icon and decided to pick a random chat this time. <Let fate decide where I wind up tonight.> She clicked the button and checked the screen to see where she was. <Hmm, this could prove interesting. ~~Best friends, or more?~~>
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . DrkGrl: And she doesn't feel the same?
Wicca1: I don't know how she feels, really. We love each other, but we're best friends. I don't want to risk it and feel stupid.
Natsgrl: You won't know until you try wicca. What if she feels the same way and you miss this opertunity?
Wicca1: opportunity. And maybe you're right. We've been friends for the past four years. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Buffy was watching this exchange with only one thing on her mind, Willow. Could Wicca1 be Willow? She had to find out. <Damn! How do I change my name again?>
After a few failed attempts, Buffy successfully changed her screen name and got into the chat room again. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . DrkGrl: So what are you going to do?
Wicca1: I'm still not sure L
NewHere: Hi all. Just thought I'd stop in. Not sure about what Wicca1?
DrkGrl: Hi NewHere
Natsgrl: Welcome NewHere! Pull up a virtual sofa and help us convince Wicca1 that telling her friend she has feelings for her is a good idea!
Wicca1: Hey, NewHere. And thanks, but I don't think I'm going to do it anyway.
NewHere: Why not? What could it hurt?
DrkGrl: She thinks it'll ruin the friendshop.
Wicca1: friendship . . . and that's not the only thing I'm worried about.
Natsgrl: Come on, Wicca. You said yourself that you've been friends for so long that it probably won't come between you.
NewHere: I'm still not seeing the problem. You should tell her. What else are you worried about?
Wicca1: Oh, gee, let me count the ways. a.) we live together b.) we're best friends c.) I'm almost positive that she doesn't feel the same way and d.) I'm just a big chicken.
DrkGrl: Now you're just making excuses.
Natsgrl: Yeah, I mean you live together. . . and if it works out that's a bonus! Lol
NewHere: I agree. You're best friends already, so you don't have to worry about building up a friendship first. I have to agree with Nat. Living together is a big plus.
DrkGrl: And if she doesn't feel the same way then you tried. And if she's really your best friend . . .
NewHere: Then she won't think any less of you for it. In fact I think she'd be flattered.
DrkGrl: Yeah, it's going to bother you until you try.
Wicca1: Thanks guys, you've all helped a lot, but I think I'm going to sleep on it. See you all later. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Buffy wasn't sure what to make of this new information. She wasn't even sure if it was Willow. But what if it was? What if Willow was having feelings for her? She didn't even want to go there unless it was true. Sure she'd considered it before, but she never in a million years thought Willow would feel the same way.
PRIVATE MESSAGE Wicca1: Still there?
<Oh, God . . .what do I do?> Buffy sat there and stared at the screen as if it was going to open up like a portal to hell. <Answer her you fool!>
NewHere: Yeah.
Wicca1: So you think I should go for it?
NewHere: Sure. I mean there's really nothing to lose except some pent up frustrashun, right?
Wicca1: frustration . . . I suppose. L
NewHere: How do you even know she doesn't feel the same way? Have you ever asked her, or were there ever signs that she didn't?
Wicca1: Well . . . <sheepish grin>
NewHere: Come on, what is it . . . <poking at wicca with a long stick>
Wicca1: A lot of different situations have brought us closer together. She makes me feel so safe, literally, and we've become affectionate over the past year.
NewHere: What else?
Wicca1: We have a mutual friend that's liked her since we all met and sometimes just so he doesn't get any ideas, we hold hands, or she puts her arm around my shoulder. It's stupid, I'm reading into things . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Buffy couldn't believe what she was reading. This had to be Willow and she HAD to be talking about Xander. There wasn't anything that could convince her otherwise. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wicca1: Hello?
NewHere: I'm still here. Just contomplating your sitch. . .
Wicca1: contemplating . . .so what do you think?
NewHere: Why do you do that?
Wicca1: What?
NewHere: Correct everyone's spelling. I don't mean to offend you but it can get kind of irritating.
Wicca1: I'm sorry. I'm a school geek at heart. I won the spelling bee three years in a row in grade school. Again, I'm sorry if I offended you. Maybe I should sign off now.
NewHere: No, Wait! I didn't mean to scare you off.
Wicca1: It's ok, really. I have to get back to the dorms. My roommate must think I've fallen asleep at the library.
NewHere: Tell her. You won't regret it. I promise.
Wicca1: How do you know?
New Here: I know. Good night and good luck!
Wicca1: Night! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Buffy shut her computer down and decided that she couldn't go to sleep yet. Instead, she decided to take a shower to pass the time and when she was done, Willow would be back. -----------
Willow put her key in the door and opened it slowly so as not to disturb Buffy. She turned the lights on and found the room empty. <That's strange. I wonder where she is?> Not ready for sleep yet, and finding that her stomach was protesting, she left the room to hit the closest vending machine.
------------
Buffy crept in and noticed that Willow's book bag was on her bed. She opened her drawer and removed her bathrobe to put her pajamas on.
The door opened.
She looked over and there, in all her nakedness was . . ."Buffy! I, uh . . .Oh, God I'm so sorry." Willow turned away from her and closed the door.
"Will, it's OK, I mean . . . it's not like you're a peeping tom or anything." She threw on a nightshirt. "OK, I'm done."
Willow still stood there with her back to Buffy. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were changing and I didn't mean to walk in on you, I was hungry and went to the vending machine and came back and there you were and I didn't see anything really . . ."
Buffy crossed the room and put her hand on her babbling friend's shoulder. "Will, I said it was alright, really. It's not like you haven't seen me change before, right? Take it easy. Why is this freaking you out?" She was really concerned.
"I, uh . . . guess I'm over tired. I don't know. I really didn't mean to do it." She relaxed a little under the slayer's touch. "I'm fine."
"Then why can't you face me?" Buffy gave her shoulder a little squeeze. "You're so tense. Did you over study and forget to stop when your brain hurt?"
"Yeah, I guess that's it. Over studied."
"Well, get ready for bed and come on over here. You're looking at the A number one expert on tension and I have just the fix for you."
Without turning around, Willow went over to her side of the room and changed. She didn't turn around to look at Buffy the whole time, which was quite a feat considering that they shared one dresser and it was on Buffy's side of the room. When she was through, she started to straighten up her side of the room and her desk and put her books away. It was utter and complete stalling and the slayer would have none of it. She crossed the room quickly and came up behind the redhead.
"Will."
She jumped at the sound of Buffy's voice right behind her. "Yeah."
"You're stalling . . .and avoiding. Stalling and avoiding means something's wrong."
"I'm not stalling. You know I hate it when I can't find things and it has to be done before I go to bed. . . and I'm not avoiding, just straightening." She tried to sound confident.
"OK, well, it looks fine to me, Will. Come on over here. I have just the thing you need."
<You're not getting out of this one, Rosenberg. Now what are you going to do?> Willow gave a little sigh of resignation and walked over to Buffy's bed.
Buffy crossed the room and sat down on the bed with her back to the wall. "Come on in, the water's fine." She gave her friend a smile, hoping it would ease the tension. "I'm going to give you the best back rub you've ever had in your life. Bar none."
"Buffy, that's really not necessary. I'm tired and I'm not tense anymore." Willow tried her best to wiggle out of it.
"No way, Will. You're not getting out of this. Let me do this for you. Please?" She pulled out her best pouty face - the kind she reserves for second helpings of dessert and shopping at the mall with her mom.
Willow, of course, couldn't resist. She sat down on the edge of the bed. Buffy got up on her knees and had Willow lay down on her stomach. "Now don't move. I'll be right back." She got up and turned all the lights off. The only light now was coming in from the lights outside their room.
Willow began to get nervous. "Buffy, you really don't have to . . ."
"Shh, I want to. You always take care of me, Will. You put band-aid's on my cuts and sit with me when I have nightmares. I want to do this for you, OK? You're my best friend." She got up on the bed and sat on Willow's thighs. "Am I too heavy for you?"
Willow's voice came muffled through the pillow. "No, you're fine."
She started with the small of her back first, rubbing tiny little circles into it with the padding of the thumbs. Slowly, she worked her way up and used her palms on her shoulder blades and upper back. She could feel Willow relaxing with every motion she made. "You OK down there, Will?"
Willow was by all accounts, very OK. She couldn't believe this was happening . . . didn't want to believe it. Buffy was lavishing all of this attention on her. She could stay like this forever. She'd come back to the dorm room, ready to throw caution to the wind and tell her everything. Then she found Buffy standing naked in the room and went way beyond non-verbal. She couldn't think, couldn't react . . . all she could do was notice the butterflies flying a marathon in her stomach. Now the slayer was giving her a back rub because she was 'her best friend'. Willow was glad she didn't say anything. It would have definitely ruined everything and back rubs would be a thing of the past.
"Earth to Will. . . come in Will?"
A little groan of acknowledgement told Buffy that she was indeed, OK. She moved on from the shoulder blades to her shoulders. This proved to be a tricky situation because her shirt was getting bunched up. To fix the problem and to keep her shy friend clothed, Buffy reached up under the shirt and reached for her shoulders. Almost immediately, she felt Willow tense up.
"Buffy . . .I don't . . ."
"I'm sorry Will. Am I making you uncomfortable?" She slid down between the wall and Willow's body. "I didn't mean to. I'll stop." Immediately she broke contact.
Willow looked over at her. "No, it's alright. I guess, I . . . Buffy, why are you doing this for me?"
Buffy laid there for a while, her eyes closed. She wasn't really sure how to answer that question. <Gee, Will . . . by pretending I was someone else I found out that you have feelings for me and I'm trying to make you tell me.> That would never work.
"Buffy?"
"Still here, Will. Just contemplating your question."
"I didn't think it was a hard one. I mean you're not getting graded on it or anything." She smiled at her in the darkness. She had secretly imagined this many times before . . .laying next to Buffy in bed . . .so close she could feel her body heat . . . close enough to <Stop! Bad . . big, bad, evil thoughts!>
Buffy rolled over and looked at he friend. "Will, if I ask you something, do you promise not to get mad at me for it?"
"What could you possibly do that would make me mad??" She gave her a questioning look.
"Well, I need some advice really. I have a friend who is best friends with someone . . .and well, this best friend has feelings for the friend and doesn't know how to tell him about it. They've been friends for years and she's afraid that telling him would ruin the friendship. So, what would you do in that situation? How would you handle it?"
Willow absorbed everything she said and it could only mean one thing. Buffy had feelings for Xander after all. She felt like she'd been staked in the heart. She actually wished that she had been and turned to dust so she wouldn't have to answer this question.
"Will?"
"I would tell the friend to go for it. If they're really best friends, then, then even if he didn't feel the same way, it wouldn't change anything. He'd probably be flattered."
Buffy was one hundred per cent convinced that it was Willow in the chat room now. She just gave the advice she'd been given herself not even an hour ago. "Really? I don't see you going for it though. Is that what you'd really do?"
"Probably not." Willow gave a little chuckle. "I'm too chicken and I'd be afraid to ruin the friendship. What if she doesn't feel the same way? What if she finds out and nothing is the same afterwards, even if she finds it flattering and says nothing will change? How do you really know for sure? What if she regrets it and it all turns bad?"
"Uh, Will? What was that all about?"
"Oh, sorry. Guess I got a little carried away." She gave a sheepish grin.
After a few minutes Buffy broke the silence. "Will?"
"Hmm?"
"I have something to tell you. Before you respond, I want you to think long and hard about it. OK?"
"Sure, Buffy. What is it?"
Buffy's voice was barely above a whisper. "Tell me. You won't regret it. I promise."
Willow lay there in shock. She knew! How could she know? Was she friends with the girls in the chat room? Did she give so many clues over the past week to them that they figured out who she was and told her? She couldn't move, couldn't breath . . .all she could do was lay there with a million thoughts running through her mind.
Buffy knew it was a chance to say these words to her . . .knew that it could all come together and fall apart at the same time with these three small sentences. She had put it all on the line and now it was all up to Willow. Their future, together or apart, hung in the balance. <Nothing! She's saying nothing. God, what have I done.?> Slowly, she reached out to touch the redhead's shoulder.
She jumped at the touch and, in one swift movement, jumped off the bed. "Buffy, don't. I can't . . .we can't talk about this." Tears were forming in her eyes now. Angry, hot tears. "Please, just don't. . . . don't mention it again!" She ran over to her side of the room and flew under her covers, tears covering the pillow.
"Will, I . . ."
"No. Don't Buffy . . . just don't."
She could do or say nothing more. She should have known it would be a mistake to say anything. <Now what am I gonna do?> Willow had such a horrible reaction to this, she wasn't sure exactly what she could do to fix it. <Well, the fall term is over now. Maybe if we spent time together over winter break we could be alright.>
They both lay there, each lost in their own thoughts. Slowly, painfully, they both fell asleep with the other one on their minds.
-----------------
The slayer woke up early, as most slayers are prone to do. The sun beckoning them to start a new day as early as possible. Buffy always thought that it was some cruel gift. Slayers had a short life span, so the Powers That Be gave her the ability to sleep little and wake at the crack of dawn, maybe to enjoy the day fully, because it may be her last.
She stretched and noticed the time, 8 o'clock . . .and it was Saturday. Time to get everything together and take it home for break. Slowly, she sat up. <Something's wrong.> She looked around and noticed that there wasn't a trace of Willow left in the room. Even her Dingo's poster was gone. Buffy silently cursed herself. <Not only do slayers need little sleep, but when they sleep, they sleep like logs. Great! She bailed.>
Walking over to the bulletin board, she noticed a little note:
Buffy: One exam at 7am. If I don't see you, have a nice holiday. ~~Will
If I don't see you? Have a nice holiday? <Now what the hell is that supposed to mean?> Buffy knew that in order to talk to Willow, she'd have to find her. She was probably finishing her exam and heading home to her parents' house. She picked up the phone and called her mom to come get her. When the arrangements were made, Buffy could do nothing but pack.
Her mother arrived around ten, and found that all the packing was done.
"Buffy, you finished? I was all ready to help you." Joyce gave her daughter a little hug,
"Yeah, mom. I had nothing else to do. Come on. Let's get this stuff in the truck so we can go home." She smiled and they were off.
As soon as everything was back in her room again, Buffy didn't even bother to unpack. She raced down the stairs and waved goodbye to her mother saying something about having to talk to Willow.
------------------- "She's still not here?"
It had been over a week since they moved out of the dorms, and for what was the tenth time, Buffy found herself at Willow's door.
Sheila Rosenberg smiled sadly at the girl before her. "I'm sorry. You just missed her. I think she said something about the mall."
"Thank you anyway." Buffy smiled at the woman and left. It was two days until the new year and Willow had managed to elude her every step of the way. Buffy set out to Giles' house. Maybe he'd have some answers.
---------------
"I haven't seen her Buffy. Possibly since before your fall term ended. I did find it rather odd. Has something happened?" Giles was sitting on the couch next to her, fatherly concern in his eyes.
"Not really. . . well, we had a misunderstanding and she left the dorm before we could resolve it. Now I can't find her. It's like she's disappeared!"
"I see. Well, perhaps you should give her some time to think things over. She'll come around, I'm sure." He gave her a reassuring smile.
The door opened behind them.
"Will?" Buffy turned around.
"Nope, but will I do? How's it going, Buff. Long time no see. You don't call, you don't write . . . you don't even ask me to come slay with you anymore. Have I done something to offend?" Xander crossed the room and knelt in front of the slayer, mock hurt in his eyes.
"No Xander. I've just been busy with slaying and bonding with mom over shopping." She gave him a little slap on the shoulder. "So how have you been? Where's Anya?"
"Anya is shopping downtown. I've been good. Trying to enjoy being the irresistible townie that I am." He gave her a big Xander smile. "Speaking of which, a little birdie told me that they're throwing a big New Years Eve party at The Grotto on campus."
"Yeah . . . and?" Buffy had a feeling she knew what was coming.
"Well, Anya and I, being townies of course, have no access to this wonderful party. So we were wondering if maybe, just maybe, you'd take pity on us and take us as guests!"
Buffy gave a little sigh of resignation. "Sure, Xand. We can do that. You should spend New Years with the ones you love, right? How about you Giles? You game?"
"I for one, am expecting Olivia on the noon flight tomorrow, Buffy. Thank you anyway for asking."
---------------
They walked into The Grotto around ten o'clock. The crowd was just beginning to fill out and there was music playing over the speakers. Some frat boys were playing quarters at a table nearby with their respective girlfriends cheering them on.
"Buffy looked over to Xander. "It's like the Bronze . . . only more twisted." She gave him a little smirk.
"Don't worry, Buffy. We'll get into the swing of things soon enough."
Anya made a little offering. "I don't think I like this place. It smells like hormones." She crinkled up her nose.
"You'll get used to it. Actually, I think I just figured out what the dorms smell like." Buffy laughed a little. <I just need to have a little fun.>
About an hour later, the three of them were on the dance floor. Xander was in heaven because he was between Buffy and Anya. A dark haired guy danced his way over to Buffy.
"Hey, how's it goin'?" He yelled over the music.
"Fine thanks." She smiled and turned to dance with him. <Find the fun, Summers . . . find the fun.>
----------------
She was sitting at a little table in the corner. As soon as they walked in, she knew it. Willow looked over to the door and spotted Buffy immediately. <She's like magnetic north. I always know when she's around and I get sucked in.> She watched them mingle, watched them talk, watched them mingle some more. She wasn't sure why she'd come here tonight. Wasn't sure exactly what it was she wanted to accomplish. She'd been able to think about everything this past week or so and one thing was certain . . .she didn't want to lose Buffy's friendship. She'd have to talk to her sooner or later. It looked like it was going to be later by the way Willow saw her dancing with that guy.
Buffy was there, but she really wasn't. She was going through the motions of dancing and having a good time, but she knew something was missing. Willow. She had been missing for some time now, and Buffy wasn't sure what to make of it. <I still can't figure out why she freaked out that way.> Buffy turned around to dance with Xander again and stopped dead in her tracks. There across the room, Willow was sitting alone at a table, watching her.
Willow realized she'd been spotted. <I'm not ready for this.> She got up quickly and tried to make her way out the door.
Buffy was fighting her way through the crowd and follow the red hair that was at least ten feet in front of her. "Willow! Stop!" She didn't turn around. . .in fact, Buffy thought she picked up more speed.
Once outside, Buffy twirled herself around trying to spot her. There in the distance, she could see Willow retreating quickly down the block. <Oh no you don't.> She quickly closed the gap between them and grabbed her shoulder from behind. "Will, stop! Please talk to me!"
She stopped but didn't turn around. "I can't . . .I thought I could, but . . .I never should have come here . . .i-it was a mistake." She could still feel Buffy's hand on her shoulder. "Let go."
"No. I'm not letting you go until you tell me what's going on. Where have you been? Why haven't you talked to me?" Buffy's voice began to crack. "It's been over a week, Will. We haven't been apart that long since I ran away after Angel . . . left." She let her hand slip from Willow's shoulder. "You're being selfish."
"Selfish? ME? I can't believe you'd say that! Don't you even try that on me Buffy. You have no idea what I've been going through in the past week and a half!"
Buffy grabbed her arm and pulled her into a nearby ally for privacy. "What you've been going through? What about me? I went to your house at least ten time and every time your mother told me you weren't there! You had to be there, Will. Even you can't find an excuse to be out of the house EVERY night!" The anger in her eyes was clear.
"And what if I was? What if I just didn't want to see you? What if I needed time by myself? Did you ever think of that, Buffy? Did you think for one minute that I couldn't handle this and I just needed to bail? You know, it doesn't work when you follow me. I had to work it out on my own."
"Hold it Will. Don't you think I needed to think about it too? It's not every day you find out your best friend has feelings for you!" She paused a moment for effect. "And this isn't about your stuff, or my stuff . . . it's about us, Will. It's our stuff and we should work it out together!"
Willow turned to face her. "You still don't get it, do you? This is about me. My feelings, my confusion, my uncertainty. . . it's not about you. You would have never even known any of this if you weren't spying on me in a chat room! You've been blind for years now and I really wish you would have stayed that way!" She was crying now. Hard. She turned away. "I can't . . . I just can't handle this, any of it. *sob* You don't know what . . . you don't know how bad I *sob* wanted to . . .t-to tell you, everything. . . I . . .the way I feel scares me . . ." She was hugging herself, unable to continue.
Buffy was taking it all in. She knew it . . . all of it. Only because she'd been feeling it too. She felt that flutter when she reached out and it was Willow's hand she was reaching for, felt it when they walked down the street and pulled her into a hug for no good reason. It was on purpose, it was deliberate, and now faced with the naked truth, it was time to do something about it.
A loud noise broke them both out of their silence. They peered out of the ally and saw people pouring out into the streets, dancing and blowing horns. It was a new year.
Willow chuckled cynically and whispered. "happy new year."
Buffy was shaken out of her reverie by the words. She stepped up to Willow and turned her around. She reached up and put both of her hands on the redhead's shoulders. "That's right, Will, it is a new year, and time for some new years resolutions." Willow was looking down, unable to fight anymore. "I resolve to give you your space, as much as you need. But only after I get my say. I know how you feel . . .I know how confused and frightened you are." Willow began to shake her head in protest, but Buffy pressed on. "Yes I do. I know it, Will. . . because I feel it too. I know how scared you are, I know how unsure you feel. And I know exactly what you've been going through this past week and a half because I've been going through it too." Her voice cracked and tears made their path down her cheeks.
Slowly, Willow looked up at her. She wasn't sure what to say, what to feel. <Does this mean? No, it can't be.>
Buffy saw the look in Willow's eyes. She wasn't buying a word of it . . . <She doesn't understand what I'm saying . . . she doesn't want to.> Slowly, Buffy's hands dropped down to the lapels of Willows coat and latched onto them. She saw Willow give her a confused look, but Buffy continued on and backed her up until her back was against the wall . . . both literally and physically. "You don't believe me, do you, Will?" She shook her head no in acknowledgement. "Tell me. Everything. You won't regret it. I promise." She lifted her head up a little so they were eye to eye. "Tell me how you feel. Please."
Willow swallowed hard. She wasn't sure if the words that were swimming around her head would allow themselves to form sentences. "I . . .Buffy I care about you. I always have. I don't know how it happened . . . I guess it was slow at first, like I couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was, but . . .and I can't even believe I'm saying this, but . . .I find you . . . attractive and I love you, you're my best friend and I don't want to ruin that, I don't want to lose what we have." She suffered through it, but got through it none the less."
Buffy smiled a little. "That wasn't so hard, now was it?"
"No, I guess not." She managed a smile too.
Buffy looked into her eyes. "Put your arms around me, Will."
Her eyes went wide. "No. . .I can't. . ."
"You can." Buffy smiled. "I'll wait."
She started to raise her arms. It was slow at first, she was still so unsure of herself and the new feelings that were surfacing. <It's only Buffy. You've done this a million times before.> Two arms reached out and enveloped the slayer and at the same time a new situation presented itself. They were now as close as two people could get and they both noticed each other's erratic breathing.
"I knew you could do it, Will." Buffy leaned in and pressed her forehead against the hackers.
"Yay me." She let out a sigh of relief.
"OK, well, I've said what I had to say. I'll leave you alone now." Buffy wriggled out of her arms and headed back to The Grotto, leaving one very confused redhead in the ally.
No sooner had she left, Willow realized what had happened and took off after her. "Buffy, wait!" She caught up and this time it was her reaching out and stopping the retreating girl. "That's it? You said what you had to say and you just leave me there?"
"I made a promise to you, Will. I said I was going to say what I had to and then give you as much space as you needed. That's what I'm doing." She was very matter-of-fact about it.
"Well, what if I don't want space?!" She looked around and noticed that they were starting to draw a crowd. She lowerd her voice to a whisper. "What if . . . what if all I want is you?"
Buffy looked around and noticed everyone too. "Then all you'd have to do is say so." She stepped in and closed the gap between them.
"I want you, Buffy. In my life . . . in as big of or as small as you want your roll to be." She reached out and touched the slayer's face. It didn't take long for either of them to lean in and do what they'd been waiting for.
The kiss was sweet and new. They lingered a bit, neither wanting it to end, but they broke away to the hoots and hollers of the crowd behind them. They both smiled at each other and hugged.
"Happy New Year, Buffy."
"Happy New Year, Will." She looked up and realized that they probably presented quite a sight . . . two girls kissing in public. "Let them stare. They're gonna have to get used to it sooner or later."
"Darn tootin!"
FINIS