Journal entries of Alexander LaVelle Harris
 

July 30, 1999

Oxnard.  The engine fell out of my car, and that was literally. So here I am playing dish boy at 'The Fabulous Ladies Night Club' for about a month and a half while I tried to pay for the repairs.  It’s not that bad really – not bad meaning my hands have never been so clean in my whole life.  I should be able to trade my car in soon and head back home.  What a trip this turned out to be.

I’ve had a lot of time to think things through.  I don’t think I’ve ever been alone for so long in my life and it kind of feels good.  I’m able to put things in perspective where my buds are concerned.

So I’m leaving in a week or so to head home.

August 21, 1999

Ok, I’m wiggin.  I stopped at this seedy little motel.  I’m about a day’s drive from home and I’m sitting in this seedier diner.  All of a sudden this MIB sits down at the booth with me.  He says he’s a Council member and needs my help.  I don’t know what to do.  I mean, the Council fired Giles and practically had Buffy killed on her 18th birthday.  He tells  me to think about it, but not to tell anyone we talked.  Great!  How the hell do I get myself into these things?

September 1, 1999

I have returned to the loving arms of my parents.  Everything remains just how I left it.  Well, except now that all my stuff’s in the basement and they want me to pay rent.  Oh, well.  I hit the Espresso Pump hoping to run into Buffy or Willow, and hoping they’d moved in already so I wouldn’t have to do any serious lifting.  The guy approaches me again.  This guy just won’t give up!  He says something big is going down, something that we’re all a part of.

I really don’t understand it, even now as I write it down.  Basically, Buffy and Willow are warriors, soul mates – but the time hasn’t come yet for them to realize their feelings for each other.  If they do it too soon, then all hell will break loose. So they are the ying to each other’s yang and this guy wants me to keep an eye on them – make sure they don’t get all fuzzy for each other just yet.  So I say to this guy ‘why me?’  and he says that I’m destined for greater things – to be a part of the greater good in the world.

I’m not stupid, I wasn’t gonna take this guy on his word.  I needed some solid proof, real evidence that this was gonna happen.  So creepy Council guy slips me a piece of paper with the name of a book written on it with the page number and everything.  He says that Giles was sure to have it.

October 3, 1999

So Giles asked me to help him shelve some of his books.  I pulled out the paper, found the book and guess what I saw?  The prophesy.  Right there in black and white.  Well, the book was old so more like yellow and gray.  But it was there none the less – right in the Codex Angel brought Giles the time Buffy was to fight the master.  Can I just say, Yikes!

October 6, 1999

I must be nuts, but I met with Council guy  last night and agreed to help.  I didn’t understand the full prophesy in the book, but I understand enough to know that my buds could be in some serious trouble.  He gave me a teardrop crystal.  It took me about three hours, but I finally got the knack of using the thing.  It’s easy really. . .actually it scares me how easy it is.  Every time I think they’ve come close to admitting how they feel for each other, I have to wipe out the memory of it.  For both of them.  I know, I know. . .it sounds cruel but, it’s for their own good.  Right?

January 4, 2000

Happy freaking millennium.  I did it for the first time tonight.  Wiped out their memories.  I don’t know what happened in Canada, but from the glow plastered across both their faces, I knew it was something big.  I went to the dorm for a simple little visit and Buffy tells me all about this guy Jeff who was harassing Will.  Turns out this guy had a demon as a step father and wore these evil contacts to make people do his will.  Man, I’d love to get my hands on him!

Buffy went on a quick patrol so I stayed with Willow and changed her life.  Literally.  I didn’t think I’d feel so bad, so . . .evil.  When she goes under, I have to make her tell me what happened – everything.  Then I have to change it so it was like it never happened.  God, I feel sick to my stomach.  Everything they went through to be together – and it was all gone within an hour by some simple little suggestions.  She almost died when they fought Arthur – all because she loved Buffy.

Buffy was a little harder to get alone.  I told her I saw some creeps on my way in and asked her to walk me home.  She protested a little saying that I should have told her earlier so she didn’t have to go on patrol, but eventually she gave in.  This is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

February 26, 2000

I found out by chance.  I pulled one of my ‘oh, I’m just stopping by’ routines and I saw her.  Willow’s friend Tara right outside the dorm window.  She was gathering some stuff from the ground and walking away.  I looked up and there were Buffy and Willow – gazing into each other’s eyes.  It broke my heart.  Not out of jealousy or anything like that.  It broke my heart that I’d have to do this again so soon.  I went upstairs quickly and Buffy’s was in the bathroom.  I changed Will’s memories then I caught Buffy in the hallway on my way out.  I’m getting better at it, but I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing.

January 2, 2001

I was relieved to not have to interfere for almost a year, then it happened.  I couldn’t find Buffy and the ball was getting ready to drop.  I walked outside just in time to see Buffy step up to Will and Will reach out to touch her face.  I never saw it before, the kissing I mean.  It was done with such care and love, I almost felt a lump in my throat when I saw Willow’s beaming face.  This is killing me – I don’t know how good of an idea it was to get involved.  I’m invading their privacy and their lives.  They’re meant to be together, I know that.  I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this.
 

March 13, 2002

Just when I thought I’d been relieved of my duties, it happened again. . .in a big way.  Willow got hurt, burned actually by a fire demon.  She wouldn’t talk to anyone and Buffy was miserable.  I stopped by to drop off some homework and Giles wasn’t around so I lightly knocked on Will’s door so I wouldn’t disturb her.  I stood in the doorway and there they were, all nestled under the covers holding on to each other tightly.  I felt my stomach roil when I realized I’d have to do this yet again.  I almost didn’t make it to the bathroom in time.

I picked myself up and sent Buffy into a deeper sleep.  Council guy said it was easier during sleep and it was.  It was like, bam, not even five minutes and I knew everything I needed to.

I twisted Will’s memory of that night then I moved on to Buffy.  God, I feel sick.  They’re so happy together, they love each other with an intensity that I never thought was possible.  And here I am taking it all away from them again.

June 3, 2003

With my luck, the old man was feelin a little frisky last night and decided to vent on my face.  I couldn’t let Buffy and Willow down and not go to graduation.  So I sucked up my pride, what was left of it, and went.  I tried to blend in, but Mrs. Summers spotted me and pumped me for information in that mom way – I’m totally powerless when it comes to mom’s getting information out of me.  So she insisted that I live with her and Buffy as long as I did the repairs and construction on the house.  Fine by me, I finally get to leave my parents basement and I can keep and eye on Buffy too.
 

July 4, 2003

This is it.  Probably the last holiday we’re all going to be together.  Willow announced today that she’s been accepted into the graduate program at Oxford.  My Will is gonna be ivy league.  Can you believe it?  I can.  I always knew she had it in her to go places and be someone.

I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off of my shoulders.  I’ll miss her a lot, don’t get me wrong.  But this means that I won’t have to use the damn crystal anymore.  Willow will be an ocean away and Buffy will stay here with me.  I just want life to get back to normal.  As normal as it can be without Willow around.  It’s gonna be so weird.  I’ve known her my whole life, and loved her too in my own little Xander way, now she’s going.
 

February 4, 2004

I never thought the day would come.  Giles got a call from the Council out of the blue and he’s packing for England.  They said he’s needed right away and only he can handle this situation.

Buffy is inconsolable.  Not only did Willow leave, but Giles is leaving too.  He doesn’t know how long he’ll be gone, and that just makes it worse.  At least Will is gonna have someone familiar there.  We haven’t gotten a letter or phone call in a while and Buffy’s getting worried.  She made Giles promise to call the minute he arrives and to put Will on the phone too.  God, I hope she’s alright.
 

December 1, 2004

Buffy is miserable and if the truth be told, so am I.  I miss my Willow, but the way Buffy misses her, God.  I can see it in her eyes, the emptiness and loss.  It crept in slowly when Will said she was leaving, but now. . .now you can actually see it in her face even when she’s smiling.

She doesn’t know why she feels this way, she can’t put her finger on it.  She thinks she’s stuck in one spot and isn’t getting anywhere in her life.  She even thinks that she may be lonely since she hasn’t been with anyone since her and GI-Joe broke it off.  So she came on to me and I resisted.  I did the only thing I could do for her, I held her while she slept.  Even when she sleeps, I can tell there’s something missing there.  The guilt is overwhelming and I’m just glad in my own perverted little way that Willow’s not here.  What I wouldn’t give to have her here, but I’m thankful that she’s not.  What a best friend I turned out to be.

December 4, 2004

A lot has happened.  Willow called then all of a sudden she came for a visit.  Right before that, Buffy and I almost did the horizontal mambo.  I stopped it before it got too far.  I know she doesn’t want me, she just wants someone and only I know who that someone is.  This makes me sick.  She’s looking to make a connection, but she doesn’t know who to connect with.  Then Will gets here and she’s happy go lucky Buffy again.  Neither one of them knew it until it was too late.  They made the connection again.

I was playing stalker guy after the Bronze and I followed them on patrol.  I was lurking behind a mausoleum and I saw it and heard it.  Everything they said to each other.  I could literally feel the air charged between them when they hugged.  I’d never witnessed this before, a whole encounter from beginning to end.  God, they belong together and I just can’t live with myself anymore, I won’t.  This is it.  The last time I’m going to interfere, the last time I’m going to crawl into their heads and twist things.  I can’t live with myself anymore, I just can’t.  I feel like I’m on the road to hell and there’s no turning back.
 

December 6, 2004

Last night, a beautiful redhead boarded a helicopter bound for an airport bound for England.  I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t face myself in the mirror.  Damn it all I’m leaving.  It’s better this way for everyone.  If they ever find out what I’ve done, scratch that – WHEN they find out, they’ll hate me.  I hate myself.  I have for five years now, ever since this thing started and I won’t be a part of it anymore.  To hell with the prophesy, to hell with the Council of tweed wearing Watchers and to hell with me for what I’ve done to them.

My bags are packed and Buffy is out on patrol.  I left her a note saying my uncle was sick and I had to leave to be with my family.  I’ll call in a few days and tell her I’m staying for good, that they need me.  I have to find my way out of this guilt and back into who I used to be.  I need to find him again.  I hope it’s not too late.
 

Xander LaVelle Harris
December 7, 2004

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May 3, 2008

He’d received the plain brown package by mail this morning.  The book was leather bound and he’d just finished reading it for the 20th time.  Damn him, damn that boy!  Had he just come and ask for help, then maybe a lot of heartache and pain could have been avoided.

It was all falling into place now.  Willow and Buffy never told him about their relationship simply because they never got the chance to enjoy it or remember it.  He was never one to interfere in their lives, so he just let it be and waited for them to come to him on their own.

He now wrestled with the idea of telling them, showing them the book.  What purpose would that serve now?  He got up from his chair and dialed a number he knew by heart.

“Rupert Giles here.”

“What can I do for you Rupert?”

“I need you to track someone down for me.  I don’t have a current address, so it’ll be a bit of a challenge.”

”I like challenges, mate.  Who is it?”

“It’s Xander.  I’ve just come across some information and he’s got a lot of explaining to do.”

“You don’t say. . .dead or alive?”

“Very much alive and breathing, Spike, if you don’t mind.”

”Fine, fine. . .I’ll give a ring when I find something.”

“Very well.”  Giles hung up the phone and rubbed his temples.  Xander’s little confession just threw a wrench into the works. . .a big one and he wasn’t sure if he could repair the damage this time.  It may be too late. . .

END