Title: "The Letter"
Author: A.M. Glass
Copyright: July 21, 2000
E-mail: glasswrks@xxxxxxxxx
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: The characters from "Buffy, The Vampire
Slayer",
well, they don't belong to me, they belong to Joss
Whedon, et
al. No copyright infringement is intended or
inferred. This a
non-profit piece of fan fiction, the story is the
sole property
of the author.
SPOILERS: Very briefly "Something Blue."
Distribution: Kim, Bill, Gary, Pat, iamthespark,
Quin.
Angst Warning: Full of Angst. I do so enjoy it.
*****
Hi,
I know this seems odd, me writing to you instead of
telling you
face to face, it would be easier that way as we do
share the
same dorm room and everything, and it would be a lot
more
simpler than writing...
Opps.
Okay.
Let me see if I can get this letter started without
the babble.
How do I start? That's the problem.
I've known you for a while now, and I guess it's a
safe bet to
say, that I've never met anyone like you in my
entire life. You
have done more for me than just showing me kindness
and
affection over the years. You've helped me become
the person I
am today, and don't shake your head, you know deep
down it's
true.
Being around you has been a mind-altering experience
without all
the nasty side effects of taking drugs. Well, facing
some of the
things we've faced over the years could be
considered
hallucinatory...
I wanted to tell you something that I should have
said a long
time ago, but I couldn't. There were things in both
our pasts
that just wouldn't allow me to say a word. But now I
can.
See me taking a deep breath...
I love you.
I said it... I can't believe I said... okay you got
me, I didn't
actually 'say' the words, but they are there for you
to see, to
hold, to read over and over at your leisure.
And, yes, yes, I know you love me too, but, I'm not
quite sure
it's the same kind of love you're thinking of at the
moment.
How do I explain myself?
When you come into a room, and your gaze settles on
me, my heart
starts pounding in my chest. When you say my name in
a certain
way, I feel like a puddle of warm goo. There were
times when I'd
act in a certain way that I was sure that you knew
that my
feelings had become more than just 'friendly'. But,
then again,
Xander was in the room at the same time, so, I'm
sure that you
thought it was because of him.
Don't get me wrong, I loved Xander. I still do, just
more like a
brother now.
But, I can say without a doubt that my feelings for
you ran
deeper than those of a sibling. They were the
feelings of a girl
in love.
In love with her best friend.
And no, it's not a crush, I've had those, and I know
what
they're like, and let me tell you, this isn't the
same. Not even
remotely.
I'm not sure if you even realized whenever you held
me, I was
shivering. Not from the cold, or the terror of
whatever it was
you had just stopped...
It was because of you.
You and you alone.
It pained me to drift apart from you, and the
others. And I can
never really apologize enough for the Spike
incident...
Although, you did look like you were having the time
of your
life kissing him. I mean talk about heat... woo.
*smile*
Anyway, I wanted to let you know after all these
years how I
feel... felt?
I'm not sure what I feel for you anymore and that
hurts me more
than I can say. Yes, I know I said I love you
earlier.
And I do.
That's a given...
But...
Now...
Now there's someone else in my life. Someone
important to me and
I'm not sure what to do anymore.
I've wanted you for so long, that I'm not sure if
I'm chasing a
dream, a fantasy that can never come true...
Or...
Am I finally letting go and moving on.
I can see that you're happy with Riley.
Yes, you've had your moments, but I think all
relationships have
there ups and downs, but it looks like it might work
out for you
two.
And above all else Buffy, I want you to be happy.
I had dreamed for a long time that I could be that
person...
But, it looks like someone beat me there...
Again.
I have a feeling that if things had turned out just
a little bit
differently, I wouldn't be writing this letter to
you, I'd
probably be right next to you, telling you all my
dreams and
secrets...
And loving you.
But, I don't think that's possible right now.
And I'm going to give what Tara and I have a chance,
I need to
see where this leads.
I think she knows, about my feelings for you, and
she still
loves me anyway.