State of the List Gutter

["Shadowlander" <Shadowlander1@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

TO: The United Vegetable Empire, All Committee Department Heads, and
other interested parties
FROM: The Director of Public Safety
Subject: State of the List Gutter - End of Month Report

Greetings all, I trust that the list has recovered from the celebratory
bonfire and all-week beach party to celebrate the destruction of the
Riley-shaped fungus demon and neutering of Poodle-boy. According to the
List Gutter's Medical Department there were only minor hangovers
reported from our more overeager party-goes... although how those four
lurkers got that Buick station wagon on top of Sunnydale's Chamber of
Commerce is still under investigation. However Security has informed me
that the paint used to redecorate the station wagon is indeed Navy
gunmetal gray used on battleships, although the meaning behind the
message scrawled on the driver side door of the vehicle is still unknown
at this time. Exactly what "The Watcher Mobile" is and its importance
to whatever warped mind painted the words on the vehicle door will
remain a mystery for the time being. But rest assured we will find out
the meaning of those words and the people responsible for putting that
Buick on top of the Chamber of Commerce.

Now down to business -

Item 1:
To the Leader of the UVE
Regarding ownership of the Demonic Cabbage Patch that borders the Woods
Out Back -
After an intense review of the local history and known facts concerning
said cabbage patch, the Committee's Review Board has come to the
conclusion that the United Vegetable Empire is indeed the owner of the
demonic cabbage patch. All of our data indicates that the patch in
question was possessed long before it ever came to our attention, and in
fact is ranked among the top 5 most possessed pieces of rural landscape
in the world. As much as we would like to claim ownership, we cannot
they are your demonic veggies.

As for the vampire tomatoes, the CRB has also ruled that they do indeed
belong to the List Gutter now, after all it was our vampire fruit bats
that turned the unfortunate tomatoes to begin with and we will take
responsibility for them in the future.

Item 2:
Regarding the Demonic Cabbage Patch Dolls/Woods Out Back border
dispute -
It has come to my attention over the last several days that tension
along the disputed border has risen; apparently both sides have been
"testing" the resolve of the other with unwarranted trespassing and
name-calling. One incident in particular has gotten rather out of hand
and I am informing both parties responsible to cease and desist
immediately.

I understand how the United Vegetable Empire can feel threatened by the
resent increase of arms among the residents of the Woods Out Back.
However I would like to remind the President of the UVE that most of the
residents of the Woods Our Back are herbivores, I cannot tell them what
they can and cannot eat, nor can I tell them how to prepare their meals.
This means I cannot order them to relinquish their veg-o-matics and/or
juicers, it is fundamentally impossible and will only end up off setting
the natural order. However, President Tater was quite correct in
pointing out that a visitor to the Woods Out Back, who is on holiday I
believe, one Sammy the Koloa from Downunder really has no need for a
veg-o-matic and/or juicer.

While it is true that the Koloa only feeds on one type of leaf found
only in Australia, and the leaves in question are usually eaten as is,
Sammy has assured me that his veg-o-matic is strictly for protection
from the vampire tomatoes that have been known to roam the Woods Out
Back. Granted no such vampire tomato attack has been reported in the
last five years, I guess you cannot be too careful nowadays. As long as
he does not misuse his veg-o-matic I cannot legally have it seized from
him, he does have a legal permit to carry it.

Furthermore detours into the Woods Out Back by "rogue" members of the
Demonic Cabbage Patch must be stopped. Granted the resent staking of
Broody the Cabbage Patch Turnip Drainer by the Woods' Vampire Teddy Bear
was most unfortunate if not just plain mean. The retaliatory attack on
the Bunny Slayer by the Cabbage Patch's Buffster-Ann the Rabbit Slayer
was uncalled for. And while foxes are not known for eating plants
unless ill, I have been assured that a certain Bunny Slayer's companion
and chief stake holder, the Little Red Fox, would be more then willing
to make an exception. Please for the sake of peace along the disputed
border, will all parties stay on their own side?

Item 3:
The reported rumours regarding Amy Rat of the Woods Out Back -
It has come to my attention that there are those who believe that the
unfortunate accident that turned Miss Rat into a human last year may be
false. Apparently there are a growing number of residents in the Woods
Out Back who believe that Miss Rat is indeed being held prisoner on the
campus of the local university in nearby Sunnydale. According to the
rumours it is not in any of the science labs, but in one of the dorm
rooms in Stevens Hall. If this is indeed the case, then who the hell do
we have in the List Gutter's Hospital under close watch? And how did
Miss Rat end up in Sunnydale proper, when it is off limits to most of
the residents of the Woods Out Back?

Sunnydale is not a safe place for residents of the Woods Out Back; the
humans there tend to attack unspeakable evil, such as used cars salesmen
and trollkin vice-principals.

Item 4:
The South Gutter -
While the scenic South Gutter is most ideal for watching the heavenly
bodies known as; Buffy, Willow, Cordelia, Anya and Faith, I would like
to remind all members of the list who choose to holiday there, that
video cameras, high-powered photographic equipment and creative use of
the List Gutter's Security System is strictly forbidden. It tends to
annoy the holidaying slayers and they in turn start getting rather
destructive, especially if they have to stop their creative pastime of
Willow-exploration to come and break really expensive high-tech
equipment and/or body parts.

Item 5:
In other news -
The reports of the winged angel seen over the List Gutter's Hall of Fame
and "Damn I wish I had written that" is being looked into. While there
is no call for alarm the "vision" seems friendly enough, although she is
a bit shy, she keeps disappearing whenever someone gets too close.
However we have managed to get a pretty accurate description of what is
being called the List's "archangel" - apparently she bears a striking
resemblance to a very sexy young fox.

Also the call to elevate our beloved and much stressed out listmum to
status of List Lust Goddess is starting to pick up momentum among the
Gutter's "stranger" members. One particular member, known for sending
out rather odd emails to all her closest partners-in-mischief-making and
mayhem spreading, has been quoted as saying; "Why the hell not? She
puts up with me bugging her at all hours with my harebrained plots to
give our ever absent listdad gray hairs, she NEEDS to be a goddess."

That is all -
End monthly State of List Gutter Report - we now return you to your
regularly scheduled fanfic.


Shadow --
Director of Public Safety of the Senior Executive Committee on List
Gutter Affairs and vampire teddy bear; Official Dungeon Keeper and Big
Bad.