FF: Conversations 12

["Selenay" <selenay@xxxxxxxxxx>]

Hi,

Thanks for all the kind words and encouragement - you lot are incredible. So
I managed to find time (not sure where) to write part 12.

Title: Conversations 12/?
Author: Selenay
E-mail: selenay@xxxxxxxxxx
Summary: It's time Buffy and Willow talked...
Distribution: This has no home yet, but please ask before posting it
elsewhere
Disclaimer: All the characters belong to Joss Whedon and those lovely folks
at Mutant Enemy, Fox, WB etc. Unfortunately I'm making no money from this.
The plot, what there is of it, is all mine.
Feedback: Praise, adulation, bribes (chocolate works best ;) etc can be sent
to the addy above or the list. I'm easy. Not easy in the easy sense, easy in
the...oh, I give up *g*


"Huh?"

"Do you love me?" Willow repeated.

"I . . . how . . . I didn't know you could hear me."

"I was drifting a lot," the witch explained, and then pinned her friend with
determined green eyes. "But you can't expect to say something like that and
then expect me to forget it. Do you love me?"

"I've tried not to, but I can't."

There was silence for a moment and Buffy risked a peek at her friend. Willow
didn't look disgusted, simply confused.

"I'm sorry Will. I know this is the worst timing possible, and if I had
known you could hear me I would never have said anything."

Still the redhead said nothing.

"I'll . . . I'll get over it. Eventually. You don't need to say anything and
I know you don't feel the same way-"

"I do," Willow cut her off. "That's the problem. It would be so much easier
if I didn't, but I do. I love you so much."

"Will, you don't have to say that."

"I know. I'm saying it because I'm being honest. And it's time."

"Time?"

"Time that I stopped hiding myself and became the person you think I am. I'm
not brave, or fearless . . . I don't have any more confidence than I had
when you first met me. It's just that I know what's out there, and what
could happed to me, and I'm more afraid of dying unhappy than I am of what
people think of me. If that comes out as bravery, then so be it. You taught
me so much about living each day as if it could be my last because it really
could, so now I have to live that."

"I don't . . ."

Willow smiled gently. "I know. I'm confused too. I love you so much, but I
also love Tara. Xander said-"

"Xander?"

"Yeah. He said that I have to decide who I love more because if I don't I'll
just end up hurting all of us. Well, he didn't say exactly that but it was
what he meant."

"Xander?"

"You're not getting past that any time soon are you?"

"Xander?"

"Buff, are you ok?"

"Xander?"

Willow looked at Buffy, taking in the wide-eyed look of shock on her face,
and grinned. "Yeah, Xander. You know, I think Anya's widened his mind a bit.
She might even be good for him, even if she is a bit . . .
uber-Cordeliaish."

"Xander?"

"Uh, Buff, could you focus a bit? Please?"

"Sorry Will, but Xander?"

"Focus?"

"Ok."

Buffy took a deep breath and glanced to the side to see Willow looking at
her, concerned, but with warmth in her eyes. Warmth that had, she now
realised, been there all along but she had been too blinded by her own fears
to see it.

"Why did you wait so long?" Willow asked.

The Slayer took a moment to sort her thoughts out before she began. "I
didn't know at first. I just knew I really wanted you as a friend. You
seemed kind and loyal, and that was something I didn't have back in LA. All
my old friends made tracks as fast as they could when I stopped being the
old Buffy, but you seemed to genuinely like me."

"I do."

"Thanks. Anyway, then you got caught up in your crush on Xander, and then
there was Oz, and I figured that you'd be icked out if I told you how I was
feeling. It seemed like the ultimate betrayal. You're my best friend, you
trust me, and I'm having feelings for you that I shouldn't."

"Been there; not a nice place."

"And then there was Tara and I realised that I'd missed my chance with you.
The day you told me all I could think was what and idiot I'd been."

"I'm sorry Buffy."

"It's not your fault. I should have said something sooner. Now it's too
late."

"It doesn't have to be."

"It doesn't?"

"No, it doesn't. If you don't want it to be."

"But . . . what about Tara? You love her - I can't take you away from that."

Willow looked down at the blanket and began picking at it distractedly. "I
don't know."

Turning to her, Buffy took her courage in her hands and gently placed a
finger under Willow's chin. "Will," she said, trying to lift her friend's
face so she could see into her eyes, "look at me. Please?"

The redhead allowed Buffy to lift her chin and looked at her, confused green
eyes meeting sad blue ones.

"I love you," Buffy said softly. "But I don't want you to do something
you're not sure about. If you left Tara to be with me and discovered that it
wasn't what you really wanted I would never forgive myself. I can force
myself to forget that we ever had this conversation if you want me to - it's
your decision. We can't decide something like this in the aftermath of a
scary thing like being trapped in a cave. This has to be a rational, calm
decision unlike all my previous relationships because you mean too much to
me to want to ruin our friendship. If we take this further and it doesn't
work out I don't want to lose the best friend I've ever had. So we need to
think."

"Buffy," Willow whispered.

The Slayer suddenly realised what a dangerous position she was in, so close
to the girl she loved that she could feel her warm breath on her cheek.

"Willow, I . . ."

She trailed off as she realised that Willow's eyes, usually so cool and
green, were now darkening as she watched. Very slowly, so slowly she was not
even sure she was doing it, she began to move towards the other girl. With a
slight shock, Buffy realised that Willow was also moving towards her.

"Buffy," Willow whispered again, her breath warming Buffy's lips.

A loud knock sounded at the door and it opened immediately.

Buffy somehow managed to be standing several feet away from the bed before
the nurse came into the room.

"Oh, good, you're awake," the short, tubby nurse said cheerfully. "That's
good to see. The doctor will be round soon to check on you and then you can
have some breakfast. If your tests come back fine you'll probably be leaving
here soon."

"Thanks," Willow said absently, watching Buffy. "Buffy, I-"

"You know, I have to go and check in with mom. She's probably wondering what
happened to me by now."

"Buffy-"

"I need to think - you need to think. I'll call you."

Willow watched in shock as the blonde girl bolted through the door without
looking at her.