State of the Gutter/End of the Month Report

["Shadow" <Shadowlander1@xxxxxxx>]

TO: All Department Heads, The United Vegetable Empire, and all other
concerned individuals.
FROM: The Director of Public Safety.
SUBJECT: State of the Gutter/end of the Month Report.

Now I know what you are all thinking: "Isn't Shadow a week early with the
report?!" Followed by a lot of head scratching and puzzled looks at the
calendar. Well yes I am but after the month we've had the report couldn't
wait, especially after that little panic involving the Buffy/Riley shippers
and my supposed abduction. First off, the Buffy/Riley shippers or even the
Ms. Edith shippers did not abduct me. I was in my home, that would be the
big oak by the path leading to town in the Woods Outback proper, fighting a
mild case of food poisoning and reformatting my computer... it seems we both
got a virus that was actually successful in knocking me out for a couple of
days. :: Stupid food poisoning and if I get my hands on the little so-n-so
that infected my poor defenceless computer I'm feeding him or her to Douglas
Troll... I'll even supply the Riley Finn 4-life t-shirts so he won't get
sick too. ::

Now that I'm feeling better and I got most of my system up and running again
I can address some pressing interests of the Woods Outback and List Gutter.

Item 1:
Samuel... do I want to know why my answering machine in my office now says:
"You have reached the Offices of the Dark Jedi... at the beep join the dark
side and learn to love speaking into buckets" whenever someone attempts to
leave a voice-mail?? I know that you were 'appointed' to acting Director of
Public Safety by a panicking Silent Gopher who shall remain nameless at the
moment, and you did a good job for the seven hours you had the post, but I
want my voice-mail returned to its proper greeting: "Shadow's House of
Mischief... the head Fruit Bat is busy at the moment leave a message and
I'll send Quin to kill it when I can". I also want the keys to the tank
returned, we are not buying that line about you taking it out to get
washed... I've seen Stripes Sam, I know you are using it to pick up girls
and terrorize small Eastern European countries. And yes the tank itself has
to be returned with the keys!

Item 2:
Rod, our ever absent and quiet mad listdad, anyone remember him??? Anyway
he has been traded for a keg of spiked jungle juice, a Spike Jones CD, and a
back warmer to be named later. Our beloved and now single listmum is being
officially courted by a Phantom Chipmunk and a silver tongued wolf,, both of
whom not only talk to her on a regular basis but also show up in photos, I
know because I've seen pictures of both.

Item 3:
The painting of Quin's favourite wet noodle launcher a shocking hot pink...
the culprit of such a heinous act will be caught and fed to Quin who is as I
type spitting nails and repainting his wet noodle launcher gun metal grey
with a neat little flame detail around the muzzle.

Item 4:
Regarding the recent and down right bizarre double murder of a demonic
cabbage and a vampire tomato, after a through investigation and quite a few
veggie jokes, we have determined the murders to be a part of a strange
murder/suicide that perhaps Tater could best explain. Although the Office
of Public Safety does agree with President Tater that the presence of
veg-o-matics and slow cookers at the crime scene was a bit insensitive but
the Forrest Dwellers who were carrying the items were really on their way to
a tree warming party and were not making a political statement. In fact is
it well documented that the Forrest Dwellers in question have been known to
break out in hives at the mere mentioning of the word "politics" and well
hide under beds for weeks on end until the trauma is over.

Item 5:
Reports of Riley Finn's shorts exploding while he was in them are very true,
apparently all of his unmentionables were booby trapped by parties who shall
remain nameless to protect their privacy. These intrepid heroes of the
Gutter just wish to return to their next plan knock off the Iowa hayseed
moron... who knew the bastard was that damn lucky? "Next time we use
armour-piercing bullets. " vowed one patriot of the Kill Riley Before He Can
Reproduce Organization.

Item 6:
Hey Carol... purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

That is all we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics.

Shadow --
Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy
Bear and Flying Fox {Fruit Bat} of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and
Little Comma. Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of
Quindolyn. Founding Member of the Get Willow and Buffy Naked Society.
{GWBN -- Hey, its a way of life.} Dark Mistress of Weirdness. Yang to
Alex's Yin. Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member of the Order of the
Silver Claw of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. :{