Re: End of the Month State of the Gutter Report - June 2001

[Tater <tater@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

TO: The Director of Public Safety.
FROM: Head of the United Vegetable Empire.
SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter Report - June 2001


> Item 1:
> To the United Vegetable Empire... Tater, what exactly are the Suicidal
> Teenage Radioactive Ninja Broccoli and why do they keep throwing themselves
> into pots of boiling water yelling "Death to the Bush"?? Furthermore, how
> did the aforementioned STRNB get a hold of weapons and why are they - even
> as I type - bashing themselves against the bay window of the Slayer's love
> nest?? Now I know we've had this talk before, the veggies are your
> department, but all the bashing against bullet proof glass - the Slayer
> doesn't like to be disturbed while she's in her love nest with her little
> Redhead - and yelling is getting a bit distracting. And the Broccoli have
> been sighted near the Amazon Village as well... need I remind you about that
> little incident with the Warrior Princess and the cauliflower... we both
> agreed that all future dealing with the ex-warlord NOT be held at sword
> point.


Terribly sorry about the STRNB. They are a political group, the veggie
version of young Republicans. They were holding a political caucus to
discuss some issues they have with the current president of the US. It was
all a very serious and civic minded affair... until someone served the
attendees spiked Jungle Juice. The reports from event security become
incomprehesible at that point, I think they got some of the JJ. All that is
clear is that everyone suddenly started actually having fun at a political
caucus. And as we all know, that is against all laws of nature. The result
was a minor chaos implosion and the Broccoli running amok. It should clear
up once the Broccoli sober up and stop having fun. Depending on the amount
of Jungle Juice consumed, we're not sure how much they had, that could be
anytime in the next week, or month. Broccoli just can't hold their Jungle
Juice. We have no idea where they got the weapons. We aren't missing any,
other than those noodle launchers we have checked out from your office.
Should the Slayer or the Warrior Princess get sufficiently annoyed to steam
the Broccoli, we will consider it self-defense and press no charges.

In the meantime, I suggest everyone avoid the site of the caucus, as the
chaos implosion is still occuring, and we wouldn't want any innocent
bystanders to get caught in it and wake up as pink elephants or something
worse, like politicians. We have cordoned off and clearly marked the area.


On another note, about those noodle launchers.... We sent the Vampire
Tomatoes out into the wilderness with them to hunt down the B/R and W/O
shippers last month. The Tomatoes have not been seen since. They haven't
even made any raids against their arch-rivals, the Fruit Bats. Has anybody
seen the Vampire Tomatoes? Or should we launch a rescue expedition? Maybe
we can send the STRNB and they'll vanish too.


tater (Vegetables of the world unite!)
Head of the United Vegetable Empire.