FF: Chemistry of Love 3: the Missing Element

["Aeryn Sun" <WilloSpice@xxxxxxx>]

Hey guys,

I'm not really happy with this one but I figure 'What the Hell? It's 
not gonna get any better sitting on the hard drive rotting away and 
mocking me with its lameness.' So I thought I'd go ahead and post 
it. Please forgive me. ;)

Aeryn


Title: Chemistry of Love 3: the Missing Element
Author: Aeryn Sun 		
Feedback: Please, please, please, but be nice though. Flames are for 
bbq-ing, not criticism. If you can't say something nice, choke and 
die. <j/k>
Archiving: You want this piece of crap? Well, ask first, I'll say 
yes, I just want to know where it goes. I like to visit and bring 
candy. Lots of chocolatey goodness.
Rating: PG, I guess. Nothing bad, just mild angst.
Spoilers: Everything up to and including The Gift. I have no idea 
how they're going to resolve that episode, but I look forward to it.  
If any of this story contains spoilers for Season 6, (HA! Yeah, 
right!) which I doubt it does, I apologize.
Summary: Tara's POV during Chemistry of Love. Ding ding ding, round 
three.
Author's notes: You guys are the greatest and have made me feel very 
welcome. Thank you. Someone asked for Tara's POV and even though I 
don't know much about Tara, I thought I'd give it a try. It's shorter 
than the other two and definitely not as good but fear not, I have 
other stories in the works. Keep watching! And please excuse my 
spelling, I don't have spell check.
Warning/Disclaimer: If the idea of a relationship between two women 
that goes deeper than friendship is offensive or bothers you, man, 
are you lost! The Prude Power mailing list is over there:::points to 
the far right:::: Leave now or forever be sucked into the Alt 
universe. I wasn't fast enough and look at me now (not that I'm 
complaining ;)) Characters do not belong to me, they belong to Joss 
and Mutant Enemy. Goddess bless them. And ListMom and Dad too.

P.S.: Has anyone seen my muse? She was last seen wearing purple flip-
flops, a grass hula skirt, coconut bra, Burger King crown with a lime 
Pixie Stick in one hand and a CD-Walkman with the Spice 
Girls `Forever' blaring in it in the other and she had a plane ticket 
to the Caribbean. I'm frightened she won't come back because she was 
with another cute muse wearing a Hawaiian shirt, cargo shorts, white 
sneakers and a straw hat and had a marguarita in one hand and a 
fistfull of money in the other. Help!



I hate traffic. I hate it because you know, you're in your car 
so obviously you have SOMEWHERE to be but you're stuck. Stuck in a 
little metal box with no control over your situation. You want to be 
somewhere else but you can't get there. That's where I am now. I'm 
not back where I started and I'm not where I want to be. So I have 
two options: Think or listen to the radio. Since I think that 
thinking probably isn't a good thing to think, I'll try the radio.

"Just another sad love song&" ack, no. Next station.

"My heart will go on and on&" oh, cripes, not that one again. Get a 
new record for Goddess sake.

"From the bottom of my broken heart&" argh! Not Britney Spears! And 
certainly not that song. Grrr&this is not going well.

"I will remember you. Will you remember me&" is someone out to get 
me? Because it sure feels that way.

"And I'd give my life for yours&" it's a vast universal conspiracy, I 
swear.

"My love is all I have to give&" I start to bang my head on the 
steering wheel until the horn blares. Several drivers stuck in the 
traffic jam with me flash their middle fingers in my direction. How 
rude! OK, one last station&

"You and me, we used to be together. Everyday together, always&" I 
slam my hand on the `off' switch and decide that maybe thinking isn't 
so bad after all. It's not like I'm going anywhere, right?

So why am I leaving, why am I running away? Well, I'm not really 
running away, per se. I'm just leaving an awkward situation. Yeah, 
making a strategic withdrawl, that's it. Oh, who do I think I'm 
kidding? I am running away even if that's not the name I'd give it.  
I just can't stay here and be close to everything I lost. OK, I 
didn't lose it, she's still there, healthy and alive but she's not 
with me. She's with the person I think I always knew held her heart 
and soul even if neither of them knew it until recently.

I fell for Willow the moment I met her. She has this presence about 
her, a quiet but powerful strength, like the eye of a storm. She has 
this ability to light up a room simply with her presence and isn't 
even aware that she's doing it. The most beautiful people in the 
word are the ones who are breathtaking in their beauty, whether it's 
external or internal, and aren't aware of it. That's Willow. She 
has no idea how beautiful she is, inside and outside. Her beauty, 
her quiet strength and her warmth are what drew me to her, me being 
timid and all. She was everything I wasn't. There is so much love 
and kindness in Willow's eyes, not just for those people lucky enough 
to be in her life but for the whole world. Despite everything she's 
seen and done, the horrible and ghastly things that occur with 
alarming frequency on the HellMouth, she is still at heart an 
innocent. She is this warm, positive, funny and beautiful entity and 
I fell in love with her. 

I knew that even though she said she loved me, there was this piece 
of her that I would never be able to touch. A part of her so hidden 
that even she didn't know that it was there. A piece reserved only 
for her soulmate, for Buffy, to fulfill. She may have known how she 
felt to some extent but I don't think she knew that there was a part 
of her holding back from me. I didn't mind, not really. After all, 
I was just glad to have a part of Willow to myself even if I knew I 
was eventually going to lose her to Buffy. You know the 
expression `It's better to have loved and lost than never to have 
loved at all'? Well I lived by that rule where Willow was 
concerned. I relished everyday that she was with me; every moment 
private or public that I spent with her was Heaven to me.

That's why I can't stay. Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad. I could 
never be mad at sweet, gentle Willow. She didn't mean to hurt my 
feelings. She just never thought that Buffy would feel the same way 
for her as she does for Buffy. I don't know why, exactly, since it 
was always obvious to me. But then, I saw the same look in Willow's 
eyes whenever she looked at Buffy and Buffy never noticed that 
either. It'd be funny if it wasn't so sad. Sad that they almost 
lost their chance at having something amazing because they were both 
blind and afraid.  

When Buffy died I thought I was going to lose Willow right along with 
her. She just closed up which was so unusual for her. You can 
usually tell exactly how Willow feels and what she's thinking simply 
by looking at her. By reading her face and her eyes you know 
everything about her. But suddenly there was a stranger looking back 
at me from behind Willow's face. There was no more love or life in 
that beautiful face. Her eyes were distant and cold, like a 
vampire's with no warmth or humanity in them anymore. I hated to see 
her that way. So I knew I had to do whatever it took to get back the 
Willow I knew and loved. And if that meant getting Buffy back and 
losing Willow to her forever, so be it.

I sound so self-sacrificing and noble. What a load of crap! I miss 
Willow all ready and I love her so dearly that I feel like my insides 
are melting from the pain of letting her go. As I watch my tears 
splash down onto the steering wheel, I realize that thinking really 
was the wrong choice to make. I'm only making myself drown in my 
sorrow and pain. Yeah, like that's healthy. But I can't bear to 
listen to the radio if all they're going to do is play sappy 
love/heartbreak songs. Or rap. Ew.

I'm not paranoid by nature, really, but have you ever noticed that 
whenever you try not to think about something, you're constantly 
reminded of that thing? Whether it's something someone says or a 
song that plays, everything reminds you of the thought you're trying 
to avoid. Like someone telling you not to think of the 
word `elephant' and then that's all you think about. That's how I 
feel about Willow right now. The harder I try to tune out thoughts 
of her; her smile, her warmth, her love and laughter, the louder the 
memories become. It's not fair and the side of me that is paranoid 
thinks that the universe is plotting against me.

So I try and focus on something other than this overwhelming pain I 
feel. Naturally I think about Willow but instead of thinking about 
losing her, I think of all the fun and great times we had together.  
Memories flash in my mind like a video montage of highlights. I have 
so many wonderful, loving memories of my time with Willow and I know 
that although they hurt somewhat right now, eventually they will be 
sweet memories. Sweet and loving memories like Willow herself is.

I have one memory in particular that I will always cherish. It's not 
a big blaring life changing moment; it's one of those quiet memories 
that just seem to float around in your mind to remind you of what was 
good in your life. It was right after the whole mess with my family 
happened and things were still kind of tense between the Scooby's and 
me. I had, after all, put a spell on them that had almost gotten 
them killed. But things were slowly returning to normal and as much 
as I wanted their forgiveness, knowing that I had Willow's 
understanding as well as forgiveness was far more important to me.  
So I cornered her one night while we were in my room and didn't let 
her get away. She'd been avoiding the subject and it was bothering 
me. Willow doesn't actively seek out conflict, she really doesn't 
like it all that much, but she doesn't usually run from it either.

> > > > >

"Willow, sit down. We're going to talk," I said as seriously and 
firmly as I could manage. Willow looked at me in surprise since I 
don't usually talk that way. I know I stutter when I'm around other 
people but I don't when it's just Willow and me. She makes me feel 
strong and confident despite my insecurities. But I still usually 
take my cues from her except this time I had to make her talk to me 
about this.

"About what, Tara?" she asked innocently. It was a nice try but she 
knew what I wanted to talk about.

"About my family and my deception," I started to say, only to have 
her cut me off.

"I told you not to worry about that. Everyone is getting over that," 
she told me gently, her green eyes full of love and understanding. I 
couldn't find a trace of anger or hurt at my betrayal in her eyes. I 
still wonder how she does that, find the strength to forgive almost 
anything from anybody. She is just so loving that sometimes it 
boggles my mind.

"I don't care about Buffy and the others," I say until I realize what 
that sounded like. Quickly I try to explain. "I mean, I don't mean 
that the way it sounded. I meant that I care that they forgive me 
but that's not what I wanted to talk about." She nods.

"OK," she drawls, obviously confused. I sigh. I think she's 
purposely being slow. She does that sometimes when she doesn't want 
to talk about something. She pretends not to get that something 
until the other person gives up trying to explain it. I've seen it 
work really well a few times but I know her too well by now. She's 
not getting away that easily.

"You're mad at me, aren't you? On some level, you're upset because I 
didn't come to you with the fact that I thought I was going to turn 
into an evil demon thingie. You've been completely open with me and 
I held back a vital piece of information. You have to be upset by 
that." Willow shook her head, causing her red hair to flow around her 
like a halo. Did I mention how much I love her?

"I wasn't upset, Tara," she said patiently, and I believed her 
despite myself.

"Then what were you?" she sighs and I hate that sound. It means 
Willow's bothered by something and I hate when that happens.

"Hurt mostly. That you felt that you couldn't trust me with 
something so important," tears filled her eyes and I hated myself for 
my selfishness. It hadn't been that I didn't trust her, I hadn't 
wanted to hurt her and that was exactly what I ended up doing. Yay 
me. Sometimes I wonder if I can do anything right.

"I'm so sorry," I cried quietly adding my tears to hers. She got up 
from her seat and walked over to me, grabbing and holding me in a 
huge hug. I'd never felt so safe before.

"Don't cry. You didn't let me finish," I looked up at her 
hopefully. She smiled back at me. "I was hurt but I understood, 
really. You were afraid of what could happen. You had no idea what 
was going to happen so you did the only thing you could think of and 
tried to protect me from it. You tried to protect all of us. And it 
all worked out in the end, didn't it?" I nod, feeling better about 
the whole situation. I realized then that Willow was truly something 
special and an extremely rare type of person. And I knew I was lucky 
to have her in my life. Cheesy I know, but it was enough.

> > > > > >


Have you ever been loved unconditionally? Without reservation and 
have you ever been made complete by that love even knowing that there 
might be a part of the person loving you that you can never reach?  
Because, despite that piece that is kept out of your reach, 
everything else is enough? That's what it's like to be loved by 
Willow. She loves you completely, despite all your faults or maybe 
because of them. She's nearly incapable of hate so you know that no 
matter what you do, she won't throw it back in your face during an 
argument. If you ever have a deep argument, that is.  

Willow is so amazing that it takes my breath away. I find that I 
spend a lot of my time not just thinking about her (although, if I 
stop to think about it, I do seem a bit obsessed, I guess) but about 
everything. I mean, I just count myself lucky to be able to think at 
all. It wasn't too long ago that Glory scrambled my brains like eggs 
at an IHOP. I may have been incoherent and, what's the word?  
Flighty? No, ok, insane? OK, a little extreme but better, closer to 
the truth at least. I think I'll settle for emotionally and mentally 
unavailable. Anyway, I may have been on a forced mental sabbatical 
at times but at others I was achingly aware of what was going on 
around me. When I didn't feel Glory's energies pulling at me, I 
could see the fear on the faces around me, on Willow's beautiful 
face. I know I slapped her. The pain of that knowledge will haunt 
me for the rest of my life. I didn't mean to do it, I just snapped.

HAH! Good one, Tara. `Snapped'. I was so far beyond `snapped'; I 
was bent, broken, shattered, splattered, and scattered. I don't know 
what made me do it, but I had to. The look of utter shock on 
Willow's face was nearly enough to bring me back though. I saw it, I 
heard her and I felt horrible. No, horrible pales in comparison to 
how I actually felt. But she forgave me. Not only that but her main 
concern, other than saving Dawn was to restore me to my right mind.  
(Which according to some people in my life was questionable to begin 
with, `Hi Dad.') She took on Glory to save me when she knew she 
could have been killed. How do you repay someone for something like 
that?

I know she thinks that she owes me for helping to get Buffy back but 
she doesn't. I already owe her more than I can ever repay her. Not 
just for restoring my mind but for everything. I may not be out of 
my shell but it definitely has some deep cracks in it. I'm stronger 
because of her, more confident. It may not seem like much but let me 
tell you, that little box I was in was getting a little confining.  
Willow helped me find the cracks in it and open the lid. She made me 
feel like I wasn't worthless or invisible; she made me feel precious 
and wanted. There is nothing I can do in this lifetime or the next 
that can repay a debt like that. Helping to find a way to get Buffy 
back and letting Willow go so that they could find each other was the 
least I could do to try and balance those scales. I love her that 
much.

That is the wonder of Willow and that is what I see mocking me in my 
rearview mirror. Not Willow but the reminder that her true love is 
Buffy and not me. That's why my car is pointed east, and I'm 
starting my journey now. Eventually I have to end up in Boston; I 
owe a HUGE favor to Mark. I pray to the Goddess that Willow and her 
friends never find out exactly what it was I traded for the first 
crystal that helped get Buffy back.  

It's not much, really, just my help with a power augmentation spell.  
Not the sort of thing I usually go for but being around Willow showed 
me that while I wasn't as powerful as she was, I did augment her 
abilities so now Mark wants to `hire me out' to a client as a Wiccan 
power booster. Might even become a regular thing, being `loaned out' 
by Mark and his company for odd jobs. I'll probably regret it, but 
what the Hell, I haven't got anything else left to lose. I could 
have flown, I know, but I wanted the time to think and maybe find out 
who I am without Willow. I have her friendship and her love but I 
haven't got a clue as to what to do now. I hope I find it somewhere 
on this path I've laid out ahead of me. If not, I can always come 
home. Willow will still be my friend and I will still have that 
love. Maybe thinking isn't so bad after all. Anything is better 
than Britney Spears.




The songs that taunted Tara on the highway were, in order:

1. Another Sad Love Song- Toni Braxton
2. My Heart Will Go On And On- Celine Dion (the song should be banned)
3. From the Bottom of My Broken Heart- Britney Spears (gasp, horror)
4. I Will Remember You- Sarah MacLachlan
5. Lucky- Bif Naked
6. My Love Is All I Have To Give- BackStreet Boys (shutter)
7. Don't Speak- No Doubt

Like I said, I don't know much about Tara, I stopped watching Buffy 
somewhere around the time they started college (gasp, shutter) and am 
now desperately trying to play catch-up. I caught the last half of 
season five though. Anyway, that power augmentation thing was the 
only thing I could come up with, sorry. I told you, my muse took an 
unexpected and unannounced vacation. Anyway, providing she returns, 
I was toying with the idea of a Tara series. Maybe. Bye