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Title:
Straight Through the Heart [6/?]
Author: Dan Spector Pairings: B/W, F/C Rating: R (this chapter PG-13f/f stuff gets heavier, angst all over the place) Summary: After "Lovers Walk" one slayer comforts a heartbroken Willow, while the other heals an injured Cordeliaperhaps you've heard? This Chapter: Buffy has more Angel Angst, and Willow has& Spoilers: Everything through "Lovers Walk". Key eps this time are "Angel", "Reptile Boy", "Lie to Me", "What's My Line, Part 1", "Innocence", "Passion" (told you it'd be back; hope I don't owe Ty King money by now) and "Becoming, Parts 1 & 2". Disclaimer: Me love "Buffy". Me want "Buffy". Me not own "Buffy" (Joss Whedon, others, bad!). Me sad. Eep. Archiving: Still just Misty. Anyody wants to join in, feel free, just tell me. (Not changing this line until I have a reason to) Feedback: Do do that voodoo that you all do so well. I find no mojo in flames, but otherwise to danspector@xxxxxxxxx or on the lists. This one goes out to those fbers (Sarah Meyers, thoth, and Nathan Campbell [again]) who made me realize just how big of a cliffhanger that last line in Chap. 5 was. When what are now Chapters 5-7 were all part of one big Chapter 5, I kind of wanted to keep going and I might have rushed through this part. But now I've taken more time and deepened it, thanks to the aforementioned fb. See? FB DOES WORK!! Thanks and end of lecture.
Previously in "Straight Through the Heart"& Willow continued, in her normal voice. "So you didn't know what would happen. I mean, it's Angel's curse and he didn't know, so why sho" "That's just it, Will," Buffy said, quietly cutting her off. She gulped before saying the words she never really wanted to hear herself say. "I think Angel did know." and now&
Chapter 6: Willful Blindness and Non-Judgmental "Ew!"s "Oh, well that'd be different. That'd beoh." Willow stopped, the full implication of Buffy's words sinking in. "Oh, no. No, Buffy, Angel wouldn't be that cruelI mean, evil Angel would, with the charcoal drawings and setting up Ms. Calendar for Giles to find and 'it sort of involves you finding the dead bodies of all your friends, ha, ha', andten words I never, EVER want to hear again"She's so cute and helpless; It's kind of a turn-on"but our Angel isn't like that, he's too nicewhy would you think that?" "Lots of reasons," Buffy said, sourly. "Lots of things that I should have seen, probably did see, but I didn't want to think about reasons not to be with Angel, so I ignored them, because after all, being the Slayer is so about my love life, right? I mean, when Darla tried to get him to drink my mom, he really almost did, and not some random homeless guy, my MOM, so he had to know his control was slipping. And then when Cordy dragged me to that frat party, that was when we had a big conversation on dating and he said maybe we shouldn't 'cause things could get out of control," "But that was probably just about date stuff. You know, you being 16 and him being a lot older, not even counting the vampire years, which I guess is kind of creepy, but I never got a creep vibe off of Angel, not that I'm Vibe Girl or anything." "I don't know, Will, he'd had the curse for a hundred years and we'd just barely gone outwouldn't he be more worrying about his curse than whether I'm ready to, um&?" "Well, 'um' is kind of important, it's not that weird for him to think of it. And Angel is a nice guy." "Sure, nice. When he's not being evil and driving girls insane because he likes them. Which is another thing: I get him to tell me about Drusilla, he starts, I get it, I go 'you made her a vampire' and instead of going 'yes, I did', he goes and gives me every little detail that I really didn't need to hear, I mean like pretty much ever. Okay, we were having honesty issues, but that was like 'this is what I am, what I'll always be, get used to it.' "I mean," Buffy continued, "it's like telling me about killing her family and driving her insane, it's like he was saying 'this "Angel" bit is just a joke, a dream the gypsies came up with. You want to date a vampire? That's what vampires do to women they love, that's who I really am.'" "Well, yeah, but that could just be depression talking." Buffy considered this. "No, I know I'm depressed but I still think I'm right." Willow gave a little laugh. "What?" Buffy asked. "I meant his depression, over what he'd done, he could have just been blue rather than warning you or whatever. I mean, Dru coming back, had to be stirring up the not-happy memories, and having to tell you makes it even worse. Plus you were getting so close again to Ford, a normal guy and Angel not, and he was going to tell you about Ford going evil and he figured you'd hate him, so he might as well tell you everything and make you really hate him." "Oh. But when I kissed him and we were at the ice rink, and he had his vampire face on," "You WHAT?? With the fangs and everything? Ew! Uh, um, I mean yes, go on." "I didn't tell you that?" "N-no, reasonably sure I would have remembered. Okay, keep going and don't mind me, I mean I'm going 'Ew!" a lot in my head, but still listeningand not judging; these are totally-non-judgmental 'Ew!'s", Willow hastened to add. "Non-judgmental?" Buffy asked with the ghost of a smile. Yup, Willow was cute when freaked, too. "Totally," Willow insisted, feeling that fervent lying was called for even though they both knew that Buffy didn't believe a word of it. She reassuringly patted the slayer's jean-clad thigh. "Really, it's just 'Ew!' practice, that's all." Buffy was surprised that with everything else she could still giggle. "So, anyway ," she continued, "he was all shocked that I kissed him and, uh, skipped my 'Ew!' practice, but it really didn't matter to me because I loved him, vampire or not, but now I think I made him stop worrying about changing and stuff, so major wrong signal to send. Like, he was always using the 'vampire' thing to hide from an 'us' thing, so I must have been trying to tell him that I even loved the vampire part, not just the 'nice Angel' part, and he figured I wanted it so he gave it to me." "Well, I guess that is kind of logical" Willow began, and then picked up her pace when she saw Buffy's face fall, "but even though I'm usually 'yay, logic' and Miss Logic '98 and all, I still don't believe it. I mean, yes Angel was a really cruel vampire, where most of them are just animals, or they treat us like animals" "'Happy Meals with legs'" Buffy quoted Spike. "Yeah, to them we're cows; kill us, drink us, keep going, But Angel liked to torture people for fun, like with Giles, he really enjoyed pulling the wings off of the, uh, cows, okay, horribly mixed metaphor, but the point is, even knowing that, I never saw a trace of that in good Angel, sooh, wait, here's logic!maybe that was part of the curse, too, they changed his whole personality, so he'd never have been so reckless and uncaring-like as to keep seeing you if he thought he'd turn evil. Sure he could have been depressed because he thought that evil Angel was still inside him, was like the 'true' him and that's why you should stay away, but if he knew that, um, sex equals goodbye soul, he would have just run, because he loved you so much. " "You, uh, you really don't think he knew, despite everything?" Buffy asked, not daring to believe. "No, I don't," Willow said "and you shouldn't either. I mean, you know Angel, you love Angel; you should know he wouldn't do this." "You really liked him, didn't you?" "Still do, sort of, although obviously mucho bad with the memories. But how could I not like the guy you love? Besides," Willow added with a small smile, "first boy I ever had in my room, you know." "No, I didn't know," Buffy said, mildly shocked, "tell me!" "Well, let me say, it was pretty sexy," Willow said, wearing a teasing smirk. "I looked stuff up for him on the 'Net." "Hmm, you are kind of hot when you get going on that computer. There's just something about you and a keyboard&" I shouldn't be saying this, Buffy thought. I mean, it is a joke, and she started it, but I can't let it go where it can't go. "But, seriously, Will, what if I'm letting him get away with stuff because I love him?" Buffy asked. "Maybe my emotions aren't letting me think, uh, straight." "Buffy, no." Willow said, sternly but lovingly. "You are a good person, a wonderful person; you have to trust yourself. I mean I trust you, I trust you with everything. You have to know that if you love someone, if you feel deep inside you that it's right, that it will be right. You have so much love to give." "I-I hope you're right, Will," Buffy said, tears welling. "I mean I know you're right, 'cause it's you; but I feel like it's wrong, because I'm always wrong." "Oh, no, you're not," Willow insisted. "I even think you're sort of right about Angel; I don't think he knew about the curse and what would happen, but he probably should have. 'Cause it was his curse, and he'd had a hundred years to find out that stuff, so like willful blindness I can believe, but that's his fault, not yours. None of this is your fault," the redhead stressed. Buffy wasn't comforted. She got up and walked to the French windows and stared outside. "No, Will, you're wrong," Buffy said, looking at the stars. "Even if, and big 'if', even if I shouldn't feel guilty about that part, I still made a huge mistake." She turned back to the room and looked at the young witch. "I didn't kill him." Willow looked confused. "Yes, you did," she said, "even though he came back, you still killed him." "Yes, I killed him then. But I could have, I should have killed him right at the beginning, before hardly anyone died. Right after I blew up the Judge, while you guys were picking up Judge parts, Angel and I fought" "And he got away." Willow finished. "No," Buffy corrected, crossing to Willow's desk and looking down at the floor. "I let him get away." Willow's eyes went wide and her mouth opened as Buffy raised her face and met the redhead's glance, ready to take her punishment. "I beat his ass," she continued, "and I pulled the stake out, and, and I couldn't do it. He even taunted me, and I still let him go. But I did kick him in the balls, so the fact that he killed 35 more people after I failed to do my job, no problem, doesn't bother me." "Why?" Willow asked in a low, agonized tone. "Because I was weak, weak and stupid. 'Give me time' I said, all tough girl, but I was so weak I couldn't do anything until he hurt everyone else, killed Jenny and Kendra, tortured Giles. I only could hurt Angel because he put you in a coma, which is sort of romantic," damn it! Don't say THAT! "but you're not my boyfriend and I'm the Slayer, so it's less of an 'Aww' moment, more like a 'Buffy is the suckiest slayer ever' moment." Willow hadn't had the strength to break in, but now that Buffy paused, she continued in the same low tone. "I meantwhy didn't you tell me?" Buffy blinked, looking at Willow as if this was the stupidest question in the history of the planet. "Because I didn't want you to hate me, and" Willow leapt off the bed as if electrocuted. "No, no, no , NO!" she screamed, stamping her foot furiously against the floor. "Don't you get it?? I don't hate you, I wouldn't hate you, I could NEVER hate you; I LOVE you! WHY CAN'T YOU EVER UNDERSTAND???" Willow flung herself across the room at Buffy and only the slayer's super-strength saved them from falling down. Her arms flew around Buffy's neck and she crushed her head against the blonde's collarbone. "PLEASE, Buffy," she sobbed, shaking, "please, you have to stop, I can't take it, you have to stop, you have to stop hating yourself, you have to stop hurting yourself, because you're hurting me , you're KILLING me!! Please, Buffy," she heaved, trailing off into a sob, "please&" Buffy felt her knees grow weak and she clasped her friend, holding her in a silence broken only by Willow's ragged gasps and the dull roar of the Rosenbergs' TV from downstairs, which explained why Willow's parents hadn't come thundering in, wondering why Buffy was torturing their daughter, which she was, which she was, damn it, damn her, damn, damn (to be continued in "Seven Little Words" ) [Author's note: well, I'm pretty sure it is, this time&]
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