End of the Month Gutter and Woods Outback Report for February 2002

["Shadow" <Shadowlander1@xxxxxxx>]

TO: All Department Heads; The United Vegetable Empire; and all other
interested parties.
FROM: The Director of Public Safety
SUBJECT: End of the Month Gutter and Woods Outback Report for February 2002

Yes boys and girls its that time of the month again, when we pick ourselves
up off the barroom floor, dust ourselves off, and try to figure out how that
Buick got parked in the swimming pool. Or in the very least how we can
blame the dreaded Riley shippers for the Buick parked in the swimming pool.

Item 1:
It looks like we're not getting the Koala back until the end of March
sometimes - so that means the month long Block Party will be moved back
until April. :: grumbles something dark and dirty about the evil adults and
koala-nappers :: On the up side it does allow us to raise more bail money
for the "Keep the Koala out of San Quinton" fund as well as to get the new
sound system in place for the Silent Panicky Gopher's DJ duties - although
why Bill wants four turn tables, twenty giant speakers, and the Linkin Park
CD is anyone's guess.

Item 2:
Regarding the Koala's request for a swimming pool filled with jell-o to hold
nude slayer diving in - that request has been denied until we can get that
Buick out of said swimming pool and get it disinfected. There are some
reports that there were Riley and Mutt-boy shippers sighted in the pool and
the Buick for that matter, as a result under no circumstances can I allow
nude, or otherwise, slayer diving in that pool until all health risks have
been eliminated.

Item 3:
Whoever told the frisky primal slayer that all of the little redheaded
hacker's clothes were possessed and must be burned... there is a very
annoyed, not to mentioned naked, hacker that wants to have a long talk with
you. She was not amused at having her entire wardrobe torched by an
over-protective primal slayer that keeps saying "Wil-low na-ked... Buf-fy
hap-py."

Item 3 Add-on:
No there will be no volunteers to keep the said Hacker in the above item
warm... the frisky possessive primal slayer is dong that job at the moment.
And the primal chosen one DOES NOT play well with others, especially where
her Wil-low is concerned.

Item 4:
Regarding certain unnamed Gators who keep getting 'misdirected' into the
swimming pool at the local Catholic Girl School's swimming pool. The nuns
are no longer amused and they aren't buying that line about "Mistaking the
driveway for a dry riverbed and following it into the pool" - they may be
old and scary, at times, but they aren't stupid. For starters the drive way
doesn't lead to the swimming pool and even if it did the large gate around
the pool should have given certain Gators a hint it wasn't a natural
swimming hole.

Item 5:
Why is there a suicidal radish outside the flat of one Xander Harris of
Sunnydale Proper, yelling something about 'the Beets of the world suffering
while Onions get all the good jobs' while holding an apple peeler to its
neck? Or is this one of those veggie things I really don't want to know
about and should ignore?

Item 6:
Giles in leather - we SO DON'T want to know about that. Really we don't,
there are some things about Watchers we really don't want to know about.
Anyone sighting said Watcher in leather, please ignore him - its best that
way, really for your sanity just ignore him. If he should ask directions to
the nearest Harley shop, for the love of the Gods give it to him, and go
back to denying you saw him in leather in the first place.

Item 6 Add-on:
For personal reasons one Melissa Wolf of the Woods Outback Proper has closed
her Harley shop and has posted armed guards around it, sighting "There is no
way in the Gutter a leather clad Giles is getting near my babies." Security
has reported that the wolf in questioned has signed out a wet-noodle
launcher... and she's not afraid to noodle first and forget about asking any
questions later.

Item 7:
Sightings of the Phantom Chipmunk have been circulating around the Gutter
once again, the latest reports have the Phantomy One lurking around the
Koala Kult temple awaiting the return of her duelling partner. According to
the latest rumour the two are planning to hold a "Welcome Home Duel" for the
fate of certain unmentionables that once belonged to the redheaded Hacker
that were saved from the torch of the frisky primal Slayer's... well torch.

Item 8:
Regarding the request for the Gutter Meathead Bashing Society to resurrect
one Forrest 'Meathead' Gates of the Command Twits for the up-coming "Welcome
back to Civilization Koala Commando Bashing Festival" to be held next month.
Upon review of all permits and safety precautions - mainly can the GMBS keep
Meathead from escaping once they resurrect him and possibly reproducing
making lots of little Meatheads to scare small children and old people - the
Office of Gutter Safety, which would be me, has approved the request.
Although I must insist on the added precaution of having armed flame-thrower
operators on hand in case Meathead is actually able to swim the piranha pit.

Item 9:
Regarding the first annual Questionably Sane Biker Were-Folk Association
bike rally to be held in the West end of the Gutter. While the Assn's
governing head, one Alex Badger, has assured that no Gutter or Woods Outback
dweller will be harmed during the week long rally, he cannot guarantee the
safety of any Riley and/or Mutt-boy shipper that may stray into the area.
Which is really all that can be expected, the QSBWFA cannot be held
responsible for the stray cough*abducted*cough Riley shipper that stumbles
into their rally wearing any Buffy/Riley 4ever t-shirts. I mean come on...
they are honest, and somewhat law-abiding, Gutter and Woods Outback dwellers
but they aren't superhuman. And some temptations just cannot be avoided -
like using Buffy/Riley shippers for target practice - and I will not be
making such demands on them. It would just be most unfair and down right
inhuman of me... the QSBWFA are people... er animals too!

That is all we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics!

Shadow -
Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy
Bear and Flying Fox of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and Little Comma.
Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of Quindolyn.
Founding Member of GWBNS - Hey, its a way of life! Dark MIstress of
Weirdness. Yang to Alex's Yin.
Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member of the Order of the Silver Claw
of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. Member of the Questionably Sane Biker
Were-Folk Assn. {QSBWFA}

AIM screen name: ShadowDrake
Yahoo screen name: drakesshadow
MSN messenger: Tankesly@xxxxxxxxxxx {Shadow}
ICQ Number: 120681217