FIC: STILL STRUGGLING (3/4?) PG/PG13

[Red Willow <nick_elodian@xxxxxxxxx>]

Title: Still Struggling
Author: Red Willow
Email: St8sboroblues@xxxxxxxxx or nick_elodian@xxxxxxxxx
Disclaimer: All characters and references to belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and all them
other folks <G> I'm just using them to make my own little fun. However the story belongs to me
only. You may post or distribute only with permission from and credit to me.
So just ask <G> And if you don't like the idea of Willow and Buffy together then... why are you
reading this?
Rating: PG-R (as it might progress from one to the other)
Pairing: Willow/Buffy
Summary: Buffy struggles over her feelings for Willow and stumbles upon something interesting...
This is part 3 in a 4 part (though possibly more) series. Thoughts will be
expressed in < and > brackets... This covers some info from Seasons 2-4
Hope you enjoy. Feedback? I thrive on of feedback.


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So I start my confession.

Willow, there are some things I have to tell you and it is extremely hard for me to tell you any
of it. I know this isnt the best way to tell you but&.

I begin pouring my heart out to her, typing for a few more moments when I hear the turn of the
lock in the door and realize shes already back. <Oh Shit!> I jump in my chair, reaching for the
mouse to close the letter. Instead I knock the mouse off the desk just as she opens the door. Her
face brightens when she sees me and is near me in an instant with curious glances at the computer.
I scramble for the mouse, which is dangling still beside the desk.
Finally doing that paper huh? she inquires leaning over me and reading the last few lines just
as I have time to click the close button. But its too late.
Whoa. is all I hear as her body retreats from behind me. I close my eyes and fight the
overwhelming urge to jump up and run out, never to return. Instead I just sit there, staring at
the computer screen. I read what she must have read:

Will, Im so in love with you that it physically hurts to be close to you and have to hold it in.
It hurts worse though when Im not near you, but I just dont trust myself with you. I know this
comes as a great

The curser continues to blink, impatiently waiting for the next word, for the word that has now
become the very tone of the room. I close my eyes shutting away the tears that threaten there.
Im scared to turn around. Scared of the reaction Ill get, what shell say, how shell look.
<But you saw what she wrote..> But what if its not me she was writing about? <Oh cause there
are so many other Buffys running around shed have the hots for>
Caught up in my own doubts and silent suffering I barely hear her sniffle. I blink back the
tears that threaten to spill and swallow the large lump in my throat. A low groan from Willow
followed by another set of sniffles. Im desperate to make things right, to comfort her if shell
let me. Its been far too long since I did that. And now this was entirely my fault.
I stand up, slowly turning to face her. The sight of her rocking back and forth on her bed,
head hung low in her hands, broke my heart.
Will. I whisper, aware now that she might shut me out. I slowly step in front of her. No
response.
I try again, kneeling in front of her this time, trying to gain her attention. Will& My own
tears succeed at falling this time and I make to attempt to wipe them away. I place my hand on
her knee and continue to look at red hair hung low. <say something&> Will, I& I& but I dont
know what words to use. <please, look at me Will&>
And she does. Slowly, fearfully, she lifts her head but she will not focus on me. Her eyes
shift from me to her hands, to either side of me, not resting on anything in particular. I place
my free hand on her other knee <what are you doing?> and she looks up, locking eyes with me
finally. Her cheeks are flushed, streaked with her warm tears. We look at each other as I will
her to accept my confession.
She reaches out to me, hesitating briefly before touching my cheek. Her touch is warm and loving.
She wipes away my tears and I close my eyes leaning into her hand. She cups my cheek and we are
silent for a few moments before she tucks a lock of fallen hair behind my ear. I look at her
again. She smiles warmly, though plainly, there is apprehension in her eyes.
D-did you mean it& what you&wr-rote?
Always. is all I can get out. Im breaking down now, crying heavily against her hand until I
must lean forward in weakness. She allows me to lay my head in her lap and instinctively I wrap
my arms around her waist. I cry hard, heaving heavy sighs of relief, trying to push out all the
feelings Ive kept hidden the past two lonely years all at once.
She strokes my back and runs her fingers through my hair.
It feels like Ive been sobbing for a long time, but I know it has only been a few minutes. I
look up shyly, questioning the thoughtful expression on her face.
Will.. do you&? I start, but she stops my words with a soft touch from her finger to my lips.
I just look at her. <youre so beautiful> I think before she leans towards me and tentatively
places her lips on mine. <OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD> My breath hitches in my chest as she
opens my mouth with her own. I let her explore with her lips and tongue, the new sensations now
running through me, almost freezing me in front of her.
I feel her hesitate. <kiss her damn you!> I move my hands to her hips, gripping her jeans, and
pull her closer to me as my mouth finally unfreezes and I kiss her deeply. I explore her mouth
with my tongue <she tastes so good> and she wraps her hands around my neck, gently sliding them up
to my jaw line, pulling me closer. Shivers race up and down my body and I respond with renewed
effort at the kiss Ive been dreaming about for so long. <Finally!> I really cant believe this is
finally happening.
The heat between us rises, swirling around us, consuming. We continue to kiss, holding on to
each other as if our lives depended on it. I can feel how weve both wanted this like nothing
weve longed for before. Our tongues and lips dance in rejoice at our confessions of love.
I pull her body towards me and she immediately wraps her legs around my waist. I slide my hands
under her shirt and she giggles against our kiss as my fingers lightly trail her sides until I
rest them in the warmth of her lower back, where goose bumps appear under my hands. We pull at
each others mouths, releasing moans of desire with the onslaught of energy. <god shes so hot>
Our kisses become too rushed though, too needy. I pull back slightly, needing a breather,
hinting to her to slow down. I want to taste her fully again, slowly. I slide my tongue along
her top lip, just inside her mouth, our tongues touch briefly almost teasingly, before I tug on
her lower lip. Her legs tighten their grip around me as a low, almost guttural, moan arises
through her and into my mouth. I tighten my own squeeze on her and as tease her with little tasty
kisses, I ask if this means yes&
YES! Oh god yes.. she moans against my cheek as I move my mouth away from hers. She slides her
hands from my jaw line to the back of my head, threading her fingers through my hair. I lovingly
kiss her cheek, tasting salty tears, as I make my way to her neck. Slowly, softly, I kiss along
her jaw line until Im just under her ear. She sighs and I smile knowing that this is both what
weve been waiting for for so long. I hook my tongue under her earlobe, bringing it into my mouth
briefly before grazing my teeth over it. She moans my name, releasing her hands from my entangled
hair. The sound of my name said in desire coming from those soft lips , sends a familiar aching
from deep down inside me, surging through my body, straight down until I feel flooded, opened with
a need that only Willow can meet.
She moves one of her hands behind my head while sliding the other down my neck, my shoulder, down
my chest, between my breasts where I think I am going to faint at the touch until I feel
fingertips dance against my stomach just under my shirt. My own hands respond and slide up and
over silky smoothness, curving and conforming to her heated sides, while I find her pulse point
with my mouth. She gently licks my ear, breathing heavily against it as I practically bite her
neck in excitement, <been hanging out with those vamps a little too much havent we?> my fingers
teasing bare skin just under her breasts. Her own exploring hand finds the curve of my left breast
where she trails her fingers across it. We moan in unison as they find my erect nipple. <oh god
let me die right now> Every inch of my body tingles with wanton need. All I can do is
practically dig my fingers into soft Willow skin, leaning against her neck and panting. The need
has become so strong, I can feel it from her too. She wills my body to meld with hers as her legs
tense in a rhythm around my waist, trying to pull me closer, though there is no more room between
us.
Im scared. I fear Ill hurt her I want her so bad. Embarrassed now. Ive dreamt about this,
fantasized and wished. But now Im scared. Besides& what if I do something wrong? <dont be a
dufus. Just do what feels right..> But&
Sensing my apprehension, Willow pulls back from me gently, taking her hand out of my shirt. She
takes my face in her hands and looks into my eyes. She smiles reassuringly but I only feel about
a half an inch better though, because looking into her eyes and seeing the want, the need
reflected there <jump her!> all I want to do is make love to her. <no you dont.> No, I dont&. I
want hot, passionate, sheet ripping, screaming wild monkey love& and still Im scared Ill hurt
her. She wraps her arms completely around me and I do the same, making her shiver as I again move
my hands along that silky smooth goodness that is Willows skin.
I love you Buffy. She says at last and my heart melts. <she said it!>
I sigh, letting out heaps of relief. <how could you doubt that?> but its true, I had a few doubts
left. Scared really. Just scared.
I&I love you so much Will. I tell her and move one of her hands from around me to my chest. My
heart continues to thud loudly and I know she can feel it. So much& it hurts here.
She leans forward, brushing her lips against mine, I know& is all she says before kissing me
passionately again, our tongues dancing once more. She breaks away after only a few moments and
leans her forehead against my own. We stay like that for several moments. Everything is
completely still, completely quiet, save for the steady rhythm of our hearts in unison.

Buffy&
My eyes open looking straight into her beautiful green eyes. Eyes Ive grown to adore, eyes Ive
dreamt were looking down on me as a small soft body lay draped over mine. Eyes I will always
love.
&can we&maybe&lay together&and just&talk? She was scared too, I could tell. Scared about what
we were venturing into? Scared of the consequences? <no damnit! I want to&> Shes right& we
needed to talk no matter how much we wanted or needed each other. We needed to talk before we
went and did something <fun.. great.. exciting.. pleasurable.. what youve been wanting to do for
like EVER???> that wed regret. <damnit>
Placing my hand on her cheek, I smile and nod, not wanting her to be scared or worried about
anything. <I cant believe youre going to talk> We have to& even if I do want to& no, talk first.
<But&> talk first!
So we lay on her bed together, curled up next to each other with her head on my shoulder and my
arm arms wrapped around her. Again we are silent for several moments, contemplating, before
either of us speaks.
<go on, get this over with so you can get to the&> I dont know what to say. <I told you she
wanted you though, didnt I?> I just close my eyes and try to clear my head, then I hear her
sigh.

Ok,  she starts, absently moving her index finger just under my jaw line. The sensation does
not help.
First of all& I&I cant&believe this is happening& I mean& I..Its great& I just cant believe
its& really happening.
I know.. I say, stroking her shoulder, my eyes closed.
How long? she asks me.
Huh?
H-how long have you&um& your loving me& I mean, how long have you&?
Oh& I look at the top of her head since her face is still resting on my chest, and I comb my
fingers through her red locks. honestly, I cant remember when I didnt. <and thats the truth&
isnt it?>
She pulls herself up a bit, propping on her elbow, and searches my face. Really? Y-you mean
that?
Yeah& I glance at her then past her a moment before locking my gaze with hers. I really do.
I watch her face as she processes my response, her eyes now focused on her hand drawing imaginary
circles just above my heart. Shes so beautiful. The way her eyebrows curve down a bit, the way
her nose scrunches in concentration, those adorable dimples&
Wow. And thats all she says as that gorgeously adorable smiles spreads across her face. If I
could make her smiles like that for the rest of my life Id be a happy little slayer.
I cup her cheek and stroke her lips with my thumb. Will, theres so much& so much I feel for
you& I&I cant even put it all into words.
She kisses my thumb, closes her eyes and nods I know, me too. She looks down, embarrassed a
little now I can tell, the heat rushing to her cheeks. I think about you& sometimes& like& you
know& with you& like&
Its my turn to blush as she lays her head back on my chest, wrapping her arm around me.
Like& wild monkey love? I ask, trying to lighten the mood thats gotten a little too tense. She
starts to giggle and I know Ive succeeded.
Something like that. Kind of like& what we were& um& seemed to be& getting to.. a few minutes
ago& she nuzzles me a bit, bringing her leg up over mine.
I&uh& I really want to do that& with you Will. She only nods so I continue with, I think about
you& like all the time. I&I even watch you& when youre& sleeping& sometimes& <great, now shes
gonna think youre a freak>
S-sometimes&in the morning, I do too& watch you sleep I mean. <or maybe not>
Were quiet for a few moments. I inhale the scent of her shampoo as I lean forward slightly to
kiss the top of her head.
Buffy? Now my name finally has meaning. She raising herself up on her elbow again, but she
doesnt look at me, just down at my chest again, probably tracing the pattern of my shirt.
yeah?
What are we&doing? I&I mean& are we&will we& I mean& how&?
I smile and kiss her forehead. Shes so cute she doesnt even know it.
Will, all I know is that I love you. That I feel like I go out there every night to make sure
the world is safer for you to live in. Ive done this now& I dont even think about why really&
because I know its for you. I do this because its my job and because I love you and I always
thought that no matter what& no matter if I ever told you how I felt& about you& that Id still be
going out there and fighting those bad guys& for you. I pause for a moment, choosing my words.
You fill my dreams, my thoughts, I cant get you out of my mind. And.. I mean& ya know& in that
way too& believe me Ive tried& I tried for a long time. But I cant& I love you so much it hurts
to breath& but.. in a good way& I want to not be able to breath& or um&. something& um& anyway& I
want to be with you Will. I dont know much for sure these days, but& I know I want to be with
you& I know that for sure.
Geeze Buffy& she looks up at me again, her hair falling in her face. I tuck her locks behind
her ear so I can see the soft features of her face. I want to wake up next to this face the rest
of my life. &Thats so& so& wow& She becomes totally serious all of a sudden, piercing me with
those green eyes. Buffy& youre so beautiful. I blush all over. A-and I want to too.. be with
you. I have forever& or I&I mean since I met you anyway..
Since you met me? <really??>
W-well yeah, I mean& you were so.. well uh& you were kinda hot there Buff&a-and you were nice to
me& she sighs rolling her eyes, remembering Cordelia and her minions no doubt. & I mean& not
like anyone else.. well, Xander.. but& a-and you saved my life&a-and thats always a plus! She
squeaks this last part out, then pauses, processing her thoughts in that busy little head of hers.
I just hold her tighter, aware that we could have had several happy years together if one of us
wasnt so chicken. Then she puts her head on my shoulder, but I can still tell shes looking up at
me and I just close my eyes, listening in amazement. I mean its not like I really knew how I
felt& not exactly& ok so I was like.. whoa& buffys pretty cute& but& Oh! and that whole thing
with my vampire self& kind of totally freaked me out& I smile, about to interject something here
but she keeps on going.  but& I& I just knew I wanted to be around you, be your friend& a-and
just be with you I guess. I never really considered what all that meant I guess& I mean& not
really. Three years of just wanting to be around you. Thinking about you& aargh&  She runs her
hand through her hair a couple of times before placing it on my heart. There was this& energy or
something Buffy& between us, some connection of some kind when&
But I cut her off because I know exactly what shes talking about. When Angel left? She looks
at me amazed I know.
Yeah& Buffy, how did you know&?
I felt it too. I&I dont know&maybe it was because my emotions were running so high& or& I
shake my head remembering how much it hurt when Angel left, but how&happy I was& to be in Willows
arms. <maybe it was just about time> &or maybe it was just because we were so close& I dont
know& but I felt this& I cant explain it, like everything just& came together, and made sense&
all I felt was you&
Me too&
But then it didnt make sense.. ya know? A-and I tried to deny what I felt, and I guess I tried
to forget it.. but& I guess you can only do that for so long&
before you just cant anymore?
yeah& like now.. sometimes my feelings and& uh& cravings... <nice word> its just all so
overwhelming sometimes&
I know what you mean&
especially since.. well I mean.. I kind of had a thing for you since.. remember when Ethan Rayne
turned us into our costumes?
How could I forget& but buffy& I was a ghost and you.. you didnt even know you were the
slayer& She looks at me questioningly.
I just smile and nod. But before you put on that stupid ghost sheet&
Oh&really? she brightens a little, getting it now.
Mm Hmm& Im blushing again. My secrets out. She pushes up again and meets my lips with hers.
We kiss at length this time, exploring each other deeply. <I can definitely get used to this.> She
gently nudges her thigh into my crotch and I moan into her mouth, grabbing her around the waist.
This is what I want. This is what Ive wanted for so long now. To kiss Willow, feel her on top
of me, moving against me. To feel that soft scented red hair of hers on my face. Im so alive
right now. More alive than Ive ever been. <Yes, finally!>
But again, she breaks away, and just looks down at me. I want you Buffy. I really really want
you. <and&.?> There is an ache in her voice I can definitely relate to. I nod vigorously,
letting her know Im with her on that one. She just looks at me, her resolve face on. <Oh god& >
Really& really want you. uh oh, shes struggling.
But&? I ask fearful of the answer.
But I cant do this with you until I know some stuff&
Know some stuff& like what?! <uh oh, desperation.. not a good thing.> I close my eyes and try
to control myself. I roll her off of me so that were both on our sides now. I put my hand on her
waist where her shirt has come up just a little <oh yeah, youve been wanting to do that&>
Ok& no more kissing, no more groping.. no more nothing& until all your answers are asked and
Ive answered them all& ok? I ask her firmly.
She nods, pouting just the tiniest bit, but its still enough for me to want to tug on it with my
teeth&<NO NO NO NO NO &control> Ok.
Good. Because Im telling you right now, I really& really really really& really dont know how
much longer I can hold out here. I hate sounding like some sex-starved lunatic, but shes all
sexy and Willowy and were actually touching and kissing and touching and& and&<stop it>
I take a deep breath and look at her looking at me. Shes got this cute expression on her face.
W-what?
Its just that& youre so& cute& when youre.. ya know& horny& she smiles brightly, her face
red.
I purse my lips and nod, And youre not? I trail my index finger up her side that is exposed
and down her stomach towards the bed. She closes her eyes and catches her breath. Im reassured
<did you have any doubts?> by that look of pleasure. I thought so. I say after a moment. Now&
what else do you want to get squared away before youll let me rip your clothes off? I am totally
serious yet she laughs.
Well& she starts, touching my hand with her fingers, drawing little imaginary circles there
like the ones she was drawing around my heart a few minutes ago.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
More to come very shortly, i promise.... not gonna be cruel and leave you guys hanging in like i
did in part 2... bwahahhahaa!
RW



=====
"What is a poet? An unhappy person who conceals profound
anguish in his heart but whose lips are so formed that
as sighs and cries pass over them they sound like
beautiful music"
-Soren Kierkegaard

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