Re: FIC: STILL STRUGGLING (3/4?) PG/PG13

["Mike Cronin" <mcronin24@xxxxxxxxx>]

Red Willow,
Liking the streaming dialog. Liking everything very much.
Waiting for more.

mike
----- Original Message -----
From: "Red Willow" <nick_elodian@xxxxxxxxx>
To: <buffyloveswillow@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Sent: Thursday, May 30, 2002 4:28 AM
Subject: FIC: STILL STRUGGLING (3/4?) PG/PG13


> Title: Still Struggling
> Author: Red Willow
> Email: St8sboroblues@xxxxxxxxx or nick_elodian@xxxxxxxxx
> Disclaimer: All characters and references to belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant
Enemy, and all them
> other folks <G> I'm just using them to make my own little fun. However
the story belongs to me
> only. You may post or distribute only with permission from and credit to
me.
> So just ask <G> And if you don't like the idea of Willow and Buffy
together then... why are you
> reading this?
> Rating: PG-R (as it might progress from one to the other)
> Pairing: Willow/Buffy
> Summary: Buffy struggles over her feelings for Willow and stumbles upon
something interesting...
> This is part 3 in a 4 part (though possibly more) series. Thoughts will
be
> expressed in < and > brackets... This covers some info from Seasons 2-4
> Hope you enjoy. Feedback? I thrive on of feedback.
>
>
> +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> So I start my confession.
>
> Willow, there are some things I have to tell you and it is extremely hard
for me to tell you any
> of it. I know this isn't the best way to tell you but..
>
> I begin pouring my heart out to her, typing for a few more moments when I
hear the turn of the
> lock in the door and realize she's already back. <Oh Shit!> I jump in my
chair, reaching for the
> mouse to close the letter. Instead I knock the mouse off the desk just as
she opens the door. Her
> face brightens when she sees me and is near me in an instant with curious
glances at the computer.
> I scramble for the mouse, which is dangling still beside the desk.
> 'Finally doing that paper huh?' she inquires leaning over me and reading
the last few lines just
> as I have time to click the close button. But it's too late.
> 'Whoa.' is all I hear as her body retreats from behind me. I close my
eyes and fight the
> overwhelming urge to jump up and run out, never to return. Instead I just
sit there, staring at
> the computer screen. I read what she must have read:
>
> Will, I'm so in love with you that it physically hurts to be close to you
and have to hold it in.
> It hurts worse though when I'm not near you, but I just don't trust myself
with you. I know this
> comes as a great
>
> The curser continues to blink, impatiently waiting for the next word, for
the word that has now
> become the very tone of the room. I close my eyes shutting away the tears
that threaten there.
> I'm scared to turn around. Scared of the reaction I'll get, what she'll
say, how she'll look.
> <But you saw what she wrote..> But what if it's not me she was writing
about? <Oh 'cause there
> are so many other Buffys running around she'd have the hots for>
> Caught up in my own doubts and silent suffering I barely hear her sniffle.
I blink back the
> tears that threaten to spill and swallow the large lump in my throat. A
low groan from Willow
> followed by another set of sniffles. I'm desperate to make things right,
to comfort her if she'll
> let me. It's been far too long since I did that. And now this was
entirely my fault.
> I stand up, slowly turning to face her. The sight of her rocking back and
forth on her bed,
> head hung low in her hands, broke my heart.
> "Will." I whisper, aware now that she might shut me out. I slowly step in
front of her. No
> response.
> I try again, kneeling in front of her this time, trying to gain her
attention. "Will." My own
> tears succeed at falling this time and I make to attempt to wipe them
away. I place my hand on
> her knee and continue to look at red hair hung low. <say something.>
"Will, I. I." but I don't
> know what words to use. <please, look at me Will.>
> And she does. Slowly, fearfully, she lifts her head but she will not
focus on me. Her eyes
> shift from me to her hands, to either side of me, not resting on anything
in particular. I place
> my free hand on her other knee <what are you doing?> and she looks up,
locking eyes with me
> finally. Her cheeks are flushed, streaked with her warm tears. We look
at each other as I will
> her to accept my confession.
> She reaches out to me, hesitating briefly before touching my cheek. Her
touch is warm and loving.
> She wipes away my tears and I close my eyes leaning into her hand. She
cups my cheek and we are
> silent for a few moments before she tucks a lock of fallen hair behind my
ear. I look at her
> again. She smiles warmly, though plainly, there is apprehension in her
eyes.
> "D-did you mean it. what you.wr-rote?"
> "Always." is all I can get out. I'm breaking down now, crying heavily
against her hand until I
> must lean forward in weakness. She allows me to lay my head in her lap
and instinctively I wrap
> my arms around her waist. I cry hard, heaving heavy sighs of relief,
trying to push out all the
> feelings I've kept hidden the past two lonely years all at once.
> She strokes my back and runs her fingers through my hair.
> It feels like I've been sobbing for a long time, but I know it has only
been a few minutes. I
> look up shyly, questioning the thoughtful expression on her face.
> "Will.. do you.?" I start, but she stops my words with a soft touch from
her finger to my lips.
> I just look at her. <you're so beautiful> I think before she leans towards
me and tentatively
> places her lips on mine. <OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD> My breath hitches
in my chest as she
> opens my mouth with her own. I let her explore with her lips and tongue,
the new sensations now
> running through me, almost freezing me in front of her.
> I feel her hesitate. <kiss her damn you!> I move my hands to her hips,
gripping her jeans, and
> pull her closer to me as my mouth finally unfreezes and I kiss her deeply.
I explore her mouth
> with my tongue <she tastes so good> and she wraps her hands around my
neck, gently sliding them up
> to my jaw line, pulling me closer. Shivers race up and down my body and I
respond with renewed
> effort at the kiss I've been dreaming about for so long. <Finally!> I
really can't believe this is
> finally happening.
> The heat between us rises, swirling around us, consuming. We continue to
kiss, holding on to
> each other as if our lives depended on it. I can feel how we've both
wanted this like nothing
> we've longed for before. Our tongues and lips dance in rejoice at our
confessions of love.
> I pull her body towards me and she immediately wraps her legs around my
waist. I slide my hands
> under her shirt and she giggles against our kiss as my fingers lightly
trail her sides until I
> rest them in the warmth of her lower back, where goose bumps appear under
my hands. We pull at
> each other's mouths, releasing moans of desire with the onslaught of
energy. <god she's so hot>
> Our kisses become too rushed though, too needy. I pull back slightly,
needing a breather,
> hinting to her to slow down. I want to taste her fully again, slowly. I
slide my tongue along
> her top lip, just inside her mouth, our tongues touch briefly almost
teasingly, before I tug on
> her lower lip. Her legs tighten their grip around me as a low, almost
guttural, moan arises
> through her and into my mouth. I tighten my own squeeze on her and as
tease her with little tasty
> kisses, I ask if this means yes.
> "YES! Oh god yes.." she moans against my cheek as I move my mouth away
from hers. She slides her
> hands from my jaw line to the back of my head, threading her fingers
through my hair. I lovingly
> kiss her cheek, tasting salty tears, as I make my way to her neck.
Slowly, softly, I kiss along
> her jaw line until I'm just under her ear. She sighs and I smile knowing
that this is both what
> we've been waiting for for so long. I hook my tongue under her earlobe,
bringing it into my mouth
> briefly before grazing my teeth over it. She moans my name, releasing her
hands from my entangled
> hair. The sound of my name said in desire coming from those soft lips ,
sends a familiar aching
> from deep down inside me, surging through my body, straight down until I
feel flooded, opened with
> a need that only Willow can meet.
> She moves one of her hands behind my head while sliding the other down my
neck, my shoulder, down
> my chest, between my breasts where I think I am going to faint at the
touch until I feel
> fingertips dance against my stomach just under my shirt. My own hands
respond and slide up and
> over silky smoothness, curving and conforming to her heated sides, while I
find her pulse point
> with my mouth. She gently licks my ear, breathing heavily against it as I
practically bite her
> neck in excitement, <been hanging out with those vamps a little too much
haven't we?> my fingers
> teasing bare skin just under her breasts. Her own exploring hand finds the
curve of my left breast
> where she trails her fingers across it. We moan in unison as they find my
erect nipple. <oh god
> let me die right now> Every inch of my body tingles with wanton need.
All I can do is
> practically dig my fingers into soft Willow skin, leaning against her
neck and panting. The need
> has become so strong, I can feel it from her too. She wills my body to
meld with hers as her legs
> tense in a rhythm around my waist, trying to pull me closer, though there
is no more room between
> us.
> I'm scared. I fear I'll hurt her I want her so bad. Embarrassed now.
I've dreamt about this,
> fantasized and wished. But now I'm scared. Besides. what if I do
something wrong? <don't be a
> dufus. Just do what feels right..> But.
> Sensing my apprehension, Willow pulls back from me gently, taking her hand
out of my shirt. She
> takes my face in her hands and looks into my eyes. She smiles
reassuringly but I only feel about
> a half an inch better though, because looking into her eyes and seeing the
want, the need
> reflected there <jump her!> all I want to do is make love to her. <no you
don't.> No, I don't.. I
> want hot, passionate, sheet ripping, screaming wild monkey love. and still
I'm scared I'll hurt
> her. She wraps her arms completely around me and I do the same, making
her shiver as I again move
> my hands along that silky smooth goodness that is Willow's skin.
> "I love you Buffy." She says at last and my heart melts. <she said it!>
> I sigh, letting out heaps of relief. <how could you doubt that?> but it's
true, I had a few doubts
> left. Scared really. Just scared.
> "I.I love you so much Will." I tell her and move one of her hands from
around me to my chest. My
> heart continues to thud loudly and I know she can feel it. "So much. it
hurts here."
> She leans forward, brushing her lips against mine, "I know." is all she
says before kissing me
> passionately again, our tongues dancing once more. She breaks away after
only a few moments and
> leans her forehead against my own. We stay like that for several moments.
Everything is
> completely still, completely quiet, save for the steady rhythm of our
hearts in unison.
> "Buffy."
> My eyes open looking straight into her beautiful green eyes. Eyes I've
grown to adore, eyes I've
> dreamt were looking down on me as a small soft body lay draped over mine.
Eyes I will always
> love.
> ".can we.maybe.lay together.and just.talk?" She was scared too, I could
tell. Scared about what
> we were venturing into? Scared of the consequences? <no damnit! I want
to.> She's right. we
> needed to talk no matter how much we wanted or needed each other. We
needed to talk before we
> went and did something <fun.. great.. exciting.. pleasurable.. what you've
been wanting to do for
> like EVER???> that we'd regret. <damnit>
> Placing my hand on her cheek, I smile and nod, not wanting her to be
scared or worried about
> anything. <I can't believe you're going to talk> We have to. even if I do
want to. no, talk first.
> <But.> talk first!
> So we lay on her bed together, curled up next to each other with her head
on my shoulder and my
> arm arms wrapped around her. Again we are silent for several moments,
contemplating, before
> either of us speaks.
> <go on, get this over with so you can get to the.> I don't know what to
say. <I told you she
> wanted you though, didn't I?> I just close my eyes and try to clear my
head, then I hear her
> sigh.
>
> "Ok, " she starts, absently moving her index finger just under my jaw
line. The sensation does
> not help.
> "First of all. I.I can't.believe this is happening. I mean. I..It's great.
I just can't believe
> it's. really happening."
> "I know.." I say, stroking her shoulder, my eyes closed.
> "How long?" she asks me.
> "Huh?"
> "H-how long have you.um. your loving me. I mean, how long have you.?"
> "Oh." I look at the top of her head since her face is still resting on my
chest, and I comb my
> fingers through her red locks. "honestly, I can't remember when I didn't.
<and that's the truth.
> isn't it?>
> She pulls herself up a bit, propping on her elbow, and searches my face.
"Really? Y-you mean
> that?"
> "Yeah." I glance at her then past her a moment before locking my gaze with
hers. "I really do."
> I watch her face as she processes my response, her eyes now focused on her
hand drawing imaginary
> circles just above my heart. She's so beautiful. The way her eyebrows
curve down a bit, the way
> her nose scrunches in concentration, those adorable dimples.
> "Wow." And that's all she says as that gorgeously adorable smiles spreads
across her face. If I
> could make her smiles like that for the rest of my life I'd be a happy
little slayer.
> I cup her cheek and stroke her lips with my thumb. "Will, there's so much.
so much I feel for
> you. I.I can't even put it all into words."
> She kisses my thumb, closes her eyes and nods "I know, me too." She looks
down, embarrassed a
> little now I can tell, the heat rushing to her cheeks. "I think about
you. sometimes. like. you
> know. with you. like."
> It's my turn to blush as she lays her head back on my chest, wrapping her
arm around me.
> "Like. wild monkey love?" I ask, trying to lighten the mood that's gotten
a little too tense. She
> starts to giggle and I know I've succeeded.
> "Something like that. Kind of like. what we were. um. seemed to be.
getting to.. a few minutes
> ago." she nuzzles me a bit, bringing her leg up over mine.
> "I.uh. I really want to do that. with you Will." She only nods so I
continue with, "I think about
> you. like all the time. I.I even watch you. when you're. sleeping.
sometimes." <great, now she's
> gonna think you're a freak>
> "S-sometimes.in the morning, I do too. watch you sleep I mean." <or maybe
not>
> We're quiet for a few moments. I inhale the scent of her shampoo as I lean
forward slightly to
> kiss the top of her head.
> "Buffy?" Now my name finally has meaning. She raising herself up on her
elbow again, but she
> doesn't look at me, just down at my chest again, probably tracing the
pattern of my shirt.
> "yeah?"
> "What are we.doing? I.I mean. are we.will we. I mean. how.?"
> I smile and kiss her forehead. She's so cute she doesn't even know it.
> "Will, all I know is that I love you. That I feel like I go out there
every night to make sure
> the world is safer for you to live in. I've done this now. I don't even
think about why really.
> because I know it's for you. I do this because it's my job and because I
love you and I always
> thought that no matter what. no matter if I ever told you how I felt.
about you. that I'd still be
> going out there and fighting those bad guys. for you." I pause for a
moment, choosing my words.
> "You fill my dreams, my thoughts, I can't get you out of my mind. And.. I
mean. ya know. in that
> way too. believe me I've tried. I tried for a long time. But I can't. I
love you so much it hurts
> to breath. but.. in a good way. I want to not be able to breath. or um..
something. um. anyway. I
> want to be with you Will. I don't know much for sure these days, but. I
know I want to be with
> you. I know that for sure."
> "Geeze Buffy." she looks up at me again, her hair falling in her face. I
tuck her locks behind
> her ear so I can see the soft features of her face. I want to wake up
next to this face the rest
> of my life. ".That's so. so. wow." She becomes totally serious all of a
sudden, piercing me with
> those green eyes. "Buffy. you're so beautiful." I blush all over. "A-and
I want to too.. be with
> you. I have forever. or I.I mean since I met you anyway.."
> "Since you met me?" <really??>
> "W-well yeah, I mean. you were so.. well uh. you were kinda hot there
Buff.a-and you were nice to
> me." she sighs rolling her eyes, remembering Cordelia and her minions no
doubt. ". I mean. not
> like anyone else.. well, Xander.. but. a-and you saved my life.a-and
that's always a plus!" She
> squeaks this last part out, then pauses, processing her thoughts in that
busy little head of hers.
> I just hold her tighter, aware that we could have had several happy years
together if one of us
> wasn't so chicken. Then she puts her head on my shoulder, but I can still
tell she's looking up at
> me and I just close my eyes, listening in amazement. "I mean it's not like
I really knew how I
> felt. not exactly. ok so I was like.. whoa. buffy's pretty cute. but. Oh!
and that whole thing
> with my vampire self. kind of totally freaked me out." I smile, about to
interject something here
> but she keeps on going. " but. I. I just knew I wanted to be around you,
be your friend. a-and
> just be with you I guess. I never really considered what all that meant I
guess. I mean. not
> really. Three years of just wanting to be around you. Thinking about
you. aargh. " She runs her
> hand through her hair a couple of times before placing it on my heart.
"There was this. energy or
> something Buffy. between us, some connection of some kind when."
> But I cut her off because I know exactly what she's talking about. "When
Angel left?" She looks
> at me amazed I know.
> "Yeah. Buffy, how did you know.?"
> "I felt it too. I.I don't know.maybe it was because my emotions were
running so high. or." I
> shake my head remembering how much it hurt when Angel left, but how.happy
I was. to be in Willow's
> arms. <maybe it was just about time> ".or maybe it was just because we
were so close. I don't
> know. but I felt this. I can't explain it, like everything just. came
together, and made sense.
> all I felt was you."
> "Me too."
> "But then it didn't make sense.. ya know? A-and I tried to deny what I
felt, and I guess I tried
> to forget it.. but. I guess you can only do that for so long."
> "before you just can't anymore?"
> "yeah. like now.. sometimes my feelings and. uh. cravings... <nice word>
it's just all so
> overwhelming sometimes."
> "I know what you mean."
> "especially since.. well I mean.. I kind of had a thing for you since..
remember when Ethan Rayne
> turned us into our costumes?"
> "How could I forget. but buffy. I was a ghost and you.. you didn't even
know you were the
> slayer." She looks at me questioningly.
> I just smile and nod. "But before you put on that stupid ghost sheet."
> "Oh.really?" she brightens a little, getting it now.
> "Mm Hmm." I'm blushing again. My secret's out. She pushes up again and
meets my lips with hers.
> We kiss at length this time, exploring each other deeply. <I can
definitely get used to this.> She
> gently nudges her thigh into my crotch and I moan into her mouth, grabbing
her around the waist.
> This is what I want. This is what I've wanted for so long now. To kiss
Willow, feel her on top
> of me, moving against me. To feel that soft scented red hair of hers on my
face. I'm so alive
> right now. More alive than I've ever been. <Yes, finally!>
> But again, she breaks away, and just looks down at me. "I want you Buffy.
I really really want
> you. <and..?> There is an ache in her voice I can definitely relate to.
I nod vigorously,
> letting her know I'm with her on that one. She just looks at me, her
resolve face on. <Oh god. >
> "Really. really want you." uh oh, she's struggling.
> "But.?" I ask fearful of the answer.
> "But I can't do this with you until I know some stuff."
> "Know some stuff. like what?!" <uh oh, desperation.. not a good thing.> I
close my eyes and try
> to control myself. I roll her off of me so that we're both on our sides
now. I put my hand on her
> waist where her shirt has come up just a little <oh yeah, you've been
wanting to do that.>
> "Ok. no more kissing, no more groping.. no more nothing. until all your
answers are asked and
> I've answered them all. ok?" I ask her firmly.
> She nods, pouting just the tiniest bit, but it's still enough for me to
want to tug on it with my
> teeth.<NO NO NO NO NO .control> "Ok."
> "Good. Because I'm telling you right now, I really. really really really.
really don't know how
> much longer I can hold out here." I hate sounding like some sex-starved
lunatic, but she's all
> sexy and Willowy and we're actually touching and kissing and touching and.
and.<stop it>
> I take a deep breath and look at her looking at me. She's got this cute
expression on her face.
> "W-what?"
> "It's just that. you're so. cute. when you're.. ya know. horny." she
smiles brightly, her face
> red.
> I purse my lips and nod, "And you're not?" I trail my index finger up her
side that is exposed
> and down her stomach towards the bed. She closes her eyes and catches her
breath. I'm reassured
> <did you have any doubts?> by that look of pleasure. "I thought so." I say
after a moment. "Now.
> what else do you want to get squared away before you'll let me rip your
clothes off?" I am totally
> serious yet she laughs.
> "Well." she starts, touching my hand with her fingers, drawing little
imaginary circles there
> like the ones she was drawing around my heart a few minutes ago.
>
> +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
> More to come very shortly, i promise.... not gonna be cruel and leave you
guys hanging in like i
> did in part 2... bwahahhahaa!
> RW
>
>
>
> =====
> "What is a poet? An unhappy person who conceals profound
> anguish in his heart but whose lips are so formed that
> as sighs and cries pass over them they sound like
> beautiful music"
> -Soren Kierkegaard
>
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