FIC: STILL STRUGGLING (7/7) PG-ish

[Red Willow <nick_elodian@xxxxxxxxx>]

Title: Still Struggling
Author: Red Willow
Email: St8sboroblues@xxxxxxxxx or nick_elodian@xxxxxxxxx
Disclaimer: All characters and references to belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and all them
other folks <G> I'm just using them to make my own little fun. However the story belongs to me
only. You may post or distribute only with permission from and credit to me.
So just ask <G> And if you don't like the idea of Willow and Buffy together then... why are you
reading this?
Rating: PG-R (as it might progress from one to the other)
Pairing: Willow/Buffy
Summary: Buffy struggles over her feelings for Willow and stumbles upon something interesting...
conclusion.
This is part 7 in a 7 part series Thoughts will be expressed in < and > brackets... This covers
some info from Seasons 2-4
Feedback? I thrive on feedback!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The tension in the room is unbearable, like rubber bands stretched to their limits, about to
break. If only I could stand up and step out of my body. Scream from the top of my lungs,
shattering the scene playing out before me, making it all go away. To leave me and Willow
together, alone again, without the angry judgment staring at us from pained and confused eyes.
Even Im not that powerful. Im trapped, our infidelity still evident on this body, wrapped in a
sheet of embarrassment and guilt. Actions and consequences. I vaguely remember learning about
those once. Never so terrible was an enemy to face, than one made from your own choices. Choices
I make. Selfish and dumb decisions leading to irreparable damages. <it was your only choice.> The
consequences of which <brought you together> have made this mess. <someone always gets hurt> And
how do we clean it up? <same way you do everything> Together.
There is no time for embarrassment and guilt. There is no time for sorrys and explanations.
There is only truth. The truth of a love Ive felt for far too long to deny it now. Will didnt
deny it. She came right out and told Tara the truth. Came right out. <so, thats what this is all
about> No it isnt. Well, maybe. I see the revulsion in Rileys eyes as he looks from me to
Willow. <And that poster he helped hang up?> Its okay as long as its not his girlfriend? I
dont know! There are a lot of things I dont know. <time is running short. seconds tick tock
while you ponder&> I have to stop caring, and act. Im action girl. I can do this. I have to.

& your ass you do!
I stand up quickly, determined to go through with this as painlessly as possible, well for me
anyway.
Riley& I start, but am interrupted by Tara.
I-I better go& Tara squeaks out, trying to slip by Riley. He sidesteps and blocks her way,
leaving her to look down, unsure of what to do.
No one is leaving until I get some answers, and that means you too. He states angrily, pointing
a finger at the shy girl.
H-hey& dont talk to her like that. says Willow, taking a step in their direction.
Ill talk however I&
Hey! I shout, and, mindful of my strength, push Riley back a few steps before he has a chance
to advance any further towards Willow.
I know youre angry Riley& just& calm& down. Im trying to be as firm in my instruction as
possible without letting my own fear show. Im not sure I like how this situation is rapidly
turning out. Riley and I glare at each other, a mere few feet apart. Behind me I hear Willow
attempting to talk to Tara again.
T-tara& Im really sorry& I-I wish I could have&
Calm Down?! Riley shoots at me.
& told you& I-I never wanted to&never intended to& hurt you&
How the hell do you&
I-I didnt& know& ever expect&
& expect me to calm down?!
&this to happen&
Im sure it just happened. Offers Riley sardonically.
I continue to glare at him, saying, Riley& its over. I& Im&
W-what? Over? he practically growls. Im suddenly caught off guard as he grabs both of my
shoulders with his big bulky hands, squeezing them hard. I just look at him, aware that I could
send him through the door with one good kick to the chest.
Buffy& I hear Willow yelp.
Dont& is all I say in response, and she stays, knowing I can take care of myself. Yes, over.
I dont want to see you any more. I& I was just& using you. I dont love you. I& Im in& in& in
love with& Willow. <oh my god you actually said it& out loud& to someone else!>
W-were you& using me? I hear Tara softly ask Willow.
Oh! No! No, no, no&a-absolutely not& I really, really like you& I&
But Rileys response to my rejection of him drowns the rest of what shes telling Tara out. You
bitch! he yells down at me, bending his body further towards mine until our faces are only a few
inches apart. I let him get no further however, as I break free of his hold and slam both of my
hands against his chest, sending him reeling backwards until he slams against the door.
Get out. I tell him firmly. Im done with this. Im tired and I feel wrecked. I just want
all of this over with. I know hes angry and confused, and that I betrayed him. If anyone
deserves to get her ass kicked its me. Right now though, I feel like Im on full emotional
overload and if he doesnt leave with my cruel explanation in hand, then I honestly dont know
what will come next.
Fine. he says through clenched teeth, working his jaw muscles. He takes the sight of me,
Willow, and Tara in one last time before turning abruptly, opening the door, and walking through
it without closing it.
& wish I knew what else to say& some& way& to& help&
I turn to Willow and Tara as I realize Willow is still trying to talk to Tara. I simply stand
here, very quiet, witnessing an affection, and maybe even a love cross between the two witches.
Y-you have to be&w-w-with the one you& love. says Tara softly, tears beginning their descent
down her cheeks. She extends her hand to Willows upper arm, resting it there, absently toying
with the fabric of the blanket.
Willow turns slightly, eyeing me, a smile curling her lips. I am. she finally says turning back
to Tara. She places her hand on Taras elbow. I-Im sorry. she finishes in a low, weary voice.
W-willow, I need some time to& b-but&Id still like to be&friends&
A-Oh& yeah& th-thats not even& of course! Willow responds to this good news happily.
I sit down on my bed, pulling the sheet tighter around me, and watch the two friends part. Tara
wipes tears away from her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt, before heading for the door. She
glances at me, a hurt, mournful look etched into her features. She heads through the doorway and
down the hall.
I make my way to the door where, closing it, i press myself up against the cool dark wood,
taking a moment to gather my thoughts before turning around.
"Willow..." I say softly, her name like a whisper caught on my lips. She turns toward me
slowly, dragging the blanket behind her, her tears running freely. She's looking at me for
assurance that everything will be all right. That time will heal all wounds and that we made the
right choice. She's looking to me for guidance, for a nod, a hug, anything to ease the pain,
anything to convince her that we'll walk away from this. And of course we will. I smile. Not a
mouthy, happy smile. Instead, a soft, warm smile to help calm her fears. I extend one arm out to
her and we come together, wrapping our arms around each other, never minding that our "clothing"
could fall away at any time. There is no one else here. Nothing else matters at this moment but
us. Time and place have no meaning. We've experienced this before and I am certain we will again
every time we find ourselves lost in each other's eyes with the knowledge that nothing has been
hidden, that our love for each other is mirrored and reflected in those eyes and reverberate
through the touch of our fingertips, our lips, our steady heartbeats in deep sleep while laying
curve to curve. I have new meaning for my life now, and I see it stretched out before me with
Willow by my side. <just like it's supposed to be, right kid?>

Willow sighs heavily, laying her head on my shoulder. "I love you Buffy."
I tighten my arms around her, pulling her closer, "I love you too Willow, always have... always
will."
"Mmm... you think so?"
"Know so."
"I think so too."
We stay like that for a few moments, enjoying the warmth of each other's touch and the silence
that gently stretches itself around us in a comforting embrace.

Ya know, I feel bad for Riley. I thought it would be funny to shock and destroy him like that.
After all, I never did like him very much and he could be such a jerk. But, I feel bad now. I
kind of wish things hadn't transpired quite like they had. Funny how it felt like forever, but in
actuality, only a fraction of an hour. So much can change in a small space in time. So much has
changed since yesterday afternoon. Since we woke up.. what? not even a few hours ago. So much
has changed. And poor Tara. The expression on her face as the realization of what she was
looking at hit her... I can tell by looking at her, the way she acted, there's a love there for
Willow. I fear that that face will haunt me. I only pray they will remain friends. There's
something strong there. Even I can see that. Lost in thoughts again. <if only you had half the
knack for speech as you do for thinking...> I shake my head clear, pulling away from Willow.
We look at each other, sad for the hurt we caused mixed with an overpowering joy to finally be
with each other. <In all the time you've known each other, you looked for love in other places,
while all along, here it was between you. Both of you too scared to admit it, both of you too
ignorant to see anything in the eyes of the other.> Yep, that about explains it.
I kiss her softly, my lips hardly meeting her at all. Smiling, I say, "Well..."
"Yeah..." she responds.
Again we don't say anything, just stand there. I think we are still a little shocked. What if
we wake up tomorrow and none of this has happened. <don't be a moron... it wasn't a dream
before... it's not a dream now.> This shouldn't have happened the way it did. I wish I could fix
it. Change this afternoon... <you're really good at this torturing yourself deal, aren't you?>
Well... <you can't change it. Just move on. You're finally with her...> Just move on.
"I-I need a... shower..." says Willow finally, looking down at herself and stirring me out of
my insistent thoughts.
"Uh... definitely." I agree.
"Clean... clean's a good thing."
"Yep."
But still, we don't move far from each other, scared we will lose the other half of us maybe,
or scared of what awaits us outside this room. Maybe just a little scared in general. our whole
world has changed. We play different roles. Fit into different categories. There are different
expectations and fears. I am confidant however, that these changes are for the better, for both
of us.
"You... a little scared, Will?" I ask her, addressing my own concerns. I tentatively place a
hand on her cheek and she leans into the touch.
"I... mm-maybe... I don't know. Not... scared... so much...as... worried... and I-I feel...
kinda bad... for Tara..."
"I know..." I tell her.
"I-I just didn't want to... hurt her... ya know?
I nod, closing my eyes. Neither did I
She pulls me to her, wrapping her arms around me again, but keeping her eyes locked on mine.
"But... I-I wouldn't trade it... for... ya know... this... I mean... us."
I let a smile dance across my lips, feeling slightly aroused, despite the events of the past
afternoon.
"I think i know what would make us... feel better..." I say slyly. <hint hint>
"Mmmm... shower!" She beams.
"Uh!" <ha ha ha> "Yes... definitely there is that. But besides showers..." I just smile at
her.
"Mochas?!" Her eyes go wide, staring at me lovingly. She makes the cutest faces! So, although
I have something a little different on my mind, I'm forced to forgive her... just this once.
Besides, it would probably be a good idea to get out of here for a little while. Experience the
remains of the day in a whole new light, so to speak.
"Exactly." I agree finally, nodding my head just once for emphasis, before spinning around to
and heading for my closet to retrieve my shower bag and robe. She does the same with a bright
smile stretched across her face. I think she just played me. I think she knows what I was
talking about all along. I shrug, smiling at the new life I'm ready to live... with her.

And so I know everything will be okay. This is how it is. How it's supposed to be. Me and
Willow, together. Grabbing Mochas and walking around town, talking, just like we've always done.
Except, maybe now, we'll steal an occasional kiss, brush a hand across another under the table,
and not be scared to admire each other. We won't deny the passion that rises between us. We'll
come home and sleep, safe in each other's warmth, in beds that won't be empty, curled in each
other's arms. And we'll no longer have dreams about what we long to have. Starting now, the
dreams are over. Starting now, we start living...

=====
"What is a poet? An unhappy person who conceals profound
anguish in his heart but whose lips are so formed that
as sighs and cries pass over them they sound like
beautiful music"
-Soren Kierkegaard

__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Yahoo! - Official partner of 2002 FIFA World Cup
http://fifaworldcup.yahoo.com