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TO: All Departments Heads, United Vegetable Empire; and all other interested parties. FROM: Director of Public Safety SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report – June and July 2002
Thought I forgot again didn’t you? As it is boys and girls… someone told the evil adult-type beings where I was hiding andI had to go underground for a bit to avoid them. However I was able to avoid them and come out of hiding only to find some very interesting things on my desk waiting for me – and no I’m not talking about Samuel’s ‘donation’ to the Sunnydale Home for Retired Bloodsuckers. For the last time Sam, the retired demons don’t allow lawyers to move in… they DO have standards and a self-image to maintain, besides they know how much the Lord of the Brood just loves to smack around lawyers – especially stupid ones named Lindsey – and they aren’t spending a fortune replacing doors. They need all the extra money they can get to for ‘protection’ so the Slayer won’t add them to her patrol route.
Now on to business –
Item 1: Regarding the heinous crime against nature that has the Harley loving scooter-tramps on the list up in arms and in a homicidal rage. The crime I speak of is the heavyset middle-aged white guy, on a red Harley, wearing a salmon-coloured polo shirts, kaki shorts with a beeper hanging from the belt and saddle shoes sans socks. Ladies and gentlemen, all creatures great and small – this crime is not only against nature, but also to scooter tramps everywhere as well as to humanity itself. While we have absolutely no idea what possessed this heavyset middle-aged white guy to ride around in broad daylight dressed like that – much less to do so in the Gutter itself – we have begun to take action to stop this crime from continuing. The attack lawyers have been notified and we are suing for custody of the Harley to unsure that poor defenceless bike is no longer subjected to such mind-numbingly evil! As for the heavyset middle-aged white guy, once we have gained custody of that abused Harley and sued him for every penny his has for subjecting innocent Gutter and Woods Outback dwellers to such bad fashion taste, he will be hauled before our favourite Gutter Judge Hang’em Howl and dutifully shot, hung, tarred and feathered, and tossed to the demonic cabbages. That is if we can keep the Gutterand Woods Outback scooter tramps from overrunning the Gutter Jail and lynching the Harley-abuser from the nearest tree.
While this low-life with the fashion taste of a brain-dead 80s Yuppie Pimp must be destroyed –if only to keep him from reproducing – I must caution against a full-cocked irate lynching from taking place until AFTER custody of the Harley has been awarded to us. Yes, seeing the Harley-abuser get what he deserves would be fun; however we as a people and community must follow the laws set forth in the Gutter and Woods Outback Constitution that says in part: “All Gutter and Woods Outback dwellers are subject to afair trail – no matter how evil, filled with delusions of godhood, or colour-blind they may be – even if they DO have the mental capacity of week old cow dung or less.”
Item 2: Regarding the Koala’s favourite lampshade that was ‘borrowed’ by our ever absent and quite mad Listdad over on the BuffylovesWillow and BuffywantsWillow lists… you had an entire month to celebrate Brazil’s fluke win at the World Cup. {Damn Ronaldo and his goals} We will see in 2006 if they can repeat they performance, until then return the Koala’s lampshade he has usesfor it now that he has officially come home to the Gutter and Woods Outback after his forced stay in the evil adult world thanks to that bastard Bin Laden.
Item 3: The return of theKoala… yes ladies and gentlemen, the Koala returns to us… FINALLY!! He signed onto AOL- instant messenger and bonded with some of his closest list-siblings just this last weekend. While he does seem to have lost a little weight and has a new – rather interesting looking – tan,he was last seen trying to talk the Gutter Fire Chief and Resident Pyromaniac into opening the fire hydrants so he could Gutter surf.
Item 4: By order of the Gutter Fire Chief and Resident Pyromaniac – {points to the dragon curled up in the corner laying on top of a pile of gold} – all bonfires are to be built via new Gutter Safety regulations and are to be lit by approved inflammatory devices ahead of time. In part the regulations still prohibit lighting bonfires with flaming Riley and Oz-shippers shot out of catapults and/or cannons. While it is fun to watch them go streaking across the night sky and going splat into the bonfire before it roars to life, it is still highly dangerous. One misfire on a flaming Riley or Oz shipper could land on an innocent bystander resulting in a wide array of injury that includes burns and/or exposure to toxic Riley/Oz shipper goo. However, the regulations have been modified to allow the burning at the stake of condemned Riley/Oz shippers that have been found guilty of continuing boredom and stupidity in a Gutter Court of Law and Pool Hall of crimes against the Slayer and/or Hacker. You guys justcan’t start a bonfire by catapult and/or cannon shot of a Riley/Oz shipper into the air and hoping it hits the bonfire.
Item 4 Add-on: Yes, the dragon’s bed of gold is real, and no you guys can’t borrow it. The dragon will flame and/or eat anyone caught trying to take his bed from him; however, if you ask nicely he may be willing to giveyou a loan.
Item 5: Regarding the painting of the Silver-tongued Wolf’s torture rack, {gives certain unnamed Koala a hard look} need I remind all of you that Trizdel takes his responsibilities of interrogation/torture very seriously and that his ‘tools’ of the trade are handmade well-crafted hundreds of years old equipment? Furthermore, he is very particular about the care and maintaining such equipment that they – being the various torture and truth extractors of his profession – will be around for the next millennium… to pass on the fine tradition of interrogation and truth extracting to the next generation. In short… remove the paint and return it to the state you originally found it or Trizdel gets to practice his truth extracting techniques on the guilty party and/or parties.
Item 6: Regarding the continuing break-ins of Quin’s office, while nothing has actually been stolen, the culprit/culprits have continued to move everything around in his office in some bizarre mind game. Now guys, we all know how anal Quin can be about his desk and how “Mister Stapler” has tobe in his proper place or the Gutter Security Chief can’t get any work done. Yes it is fun messing with Quin’s mind by hiding his note pad and super-gluing the tape dispenser to the ceiling; however, I must point out that Quin does have full access to the Gutter and Woods Outback weapons’ locker and he can sign out wet noodle launchers 24/7. Please keep that in mind when the next round of “Mess with Quin’s Head” comes up, we don’t want a repeat of Valentine’s Day ’00 when he went mini-postal on us and demanded Mojo Jojo be shaved bald and slipped into Riley Finn’s bed. Granted he was suffering from a raging fever and was holding a conversation with a painting of Betsy Ross at the time – we still don’t want a repeat of it, unless we got Riley and Oz shippers to lock in a room with him.
Item 7: Regarding of the recent flooding of the demonic cabbage patch, research has shown that those possessed little veggies can hold their breaths for long periods of time and can hum the theme to Jaws while doing so.
Item 8: There is no item 8 – it got lost while going to the water cooler just outside the Gopher’s office… if seen please return it to the office of Gutter Safety.
Item 9: "Spikeage? There was spikeage?" Willow questioned, "Why was there spikeage? And who let him get into Giles' little 'naughty' box he keeps in the back of his closet anyway? And... I really shouldn't have said that last part." She trailed off turning a bit red.
Item 10: Will the Warrior Goddess, also known as Xena, please come and get her bard? The little redhead has gotten into the spiked jungle juice and is attempting to lead a rock invasion of the small clearing in the woods near the nut-bread factory. While they have not broken out into song… as of yet… we feel it is only a matter of time before they do and do not wish to cause any ‘undo’ tension between the Gutter and Woods Outback Community and the Amazon Nation then absolutely necessary. Since our rocks are notoriously bad singers – unable to carry a tune to save their lives – it is felt that it would offend the Amazon Bard-Princess to be seen singing with them… once she sobered up and survived the spiked jungle juice hangover. Such things no one – with the possible exception of maybe Joxer and Riley Finn – should have to be forced to endure either sober or plastered.
Item 11: Regarding the confusion of the Riley Finn autobiography “ich bin Mischgericht Junge” that is not a misprint – it is suppose to say “I am chowder boy”…however exactly what that means is still under debate. Although the general consensus is “Who cares?? It does describe captain commando SO well and that is all that is important.”
That is all… we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics.
Shadow -
Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy Bear and Flying Fox of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and Little Comma. Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of Quindolyn. Founding Member of GWBNS - Hey, its a way of life! Dark MIstress of Weirdness. Yang to Alex's Yin. Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member of the Order of the Silver Claw of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. Member of the Questionably Sane Biker Were-Folk Assn. {QSBWFA}
"I donot brood... I reflect." - Unnamed Vampire Teddy Bear 03/2002
AIM screenname: WolfFalke Yahoo screen name: drakesshadow MSN messenger: Tankesly@xxxxxxxxxxx {Shadow} ICQ Number: 120681217 Web Page: http://shadowlander.topcities.com/
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