Re: End of the Mouth State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report - June and July 2002

[Tater <tater@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

TO: Director of Public Safety
FROM: United Vegetable Empire
SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report 
June and July 2002


> Now on to business 
>
> Item 1:
> Regarding the heinous crime against nature that has the Harley loving
> scooter-tramps on the list up in arms and in a homicidal rage. The crime I
> speak of is the heavyset middle-aged white guy, on a red Harley, wearing a
> salmon-coloured polo shirts, kaki shorts with a beeper hanging from the belt
> and saddle shoes sans socks. Ladies and gentlemen, all creatures great and
> small  this crime is not only against nature, but also to scooter tramps
> everywhere as well as to humanity itself. While we have absolutely no idea
> what possessed this heavyset middle-aged white guy to ride around in broad
> daylight dressed like that  much less to do so in the Gutter itself we
> have begun to take action to stop this crime from continuing. The attack
> lawyers have been notified and we are suing for custody of the Harley to
> unsure that poor defenceless bike is no longer subjected to such
> mind-numbingly evil! As for the heavyset middle-aged white guy, once we
> have gained custody of that abused Harley and sued him for every penny his
> has for subjecting innocent Gutter and Woods Outback dwellers to such bad
> fashion taste, he will be hauled before our favourite Gutter Judge Hangem
> Howl and dutifully shot, hung, tarred and feathered, and tossed to the
> demonic cabbages. That is if we can keep the Gutter and Woods Outback
> scooter tramps from overrunning the Gutter Jail and lynching the
> Harley-abuser from the nearest tree.

Concerning the eventual punishment of this, this, ...I can't think of a
sufficiently vile word, individual, if you're going to throw the remains to
the demonic cabbages, you must remove the salmon-colored polo shirt first.
The cabbages do actually have a rudimentary sense of taste, and won't eat
him if he's still wearing that. They'd just toss him back out again.


> Item 3:
> The return of the Koala& yes ladies and gentlemen, the Koala returns to us&
> FINALLY!! He signed onto AOL- instant messenger and bonded with some of his
> closest list-siblings just this last weekend. While he does seem to have
> lost a little weight and has a new  rather interesting looking  tan,he
> was last seen trying to talk the Gutter Fire Chief and Resident Pyromaniac
> into opening the fire hydrants so he could Gutter surf.

Party at the veggie palace to celebrate the return of the Koala. We will,
as usual, be providing a tanker truck full of spiked jungle juice, and
request that the livestock on the roof be kept within reasonable limits. We
have completed the reinforcement of the palace roof, but still, it's a pain
to get them all back down while we're hungover. Even moreso if the
livestock is hungover.


> Item 4:
> By order of the Gutter Fire Chief and Resident Pyromaniac  {points to the
> dragon curled up in the corner laying on top of a pile of gold}  all
> bonfires are to be built via new Gutter Safety regulations and are to be lit
> by approved inflammatory devices ahead of time. In part the regulations
> still prohibit lighting bonfires with flaming Riley and Oz-shippers shot out
> of catapults and/or cannons. While it is fun to watch them go streaking
> across the night sky and going splat into the bonfire before it roars to
> life, it is still highly dangerous. One misfire on a flaming Riley or Oz
> shipper could land on an innocent bystander resulting in a wide array of
> injury that includes burns and/or exposure to toxic Riley/Oz shipper goo.
> However, the regulations have been modified to allow the burning at the
> stake of condemned Riley/Oz shippers that have been found guilty of
> continuing boredom and stupidity in a Gutter Court of Law and Pool Hall of
> crimes against the Slayer and/or Hacker. You guys just cant start a
> bonfire by catapult and/or cannon shot of a Riley/Oz shipper into the air
> and hoping it hits the bonfire.

So can we light Riley/Oz shippers and then hand toss them onto the bonfire
wearing asbestos gloves? They really do make the best bonfire kindling.


> Item 7:
> Regarding of the recent flooding of the demonic cabbage patch, research has
> shown that those possessed little veggies can hold their breaths for long
> periods of time and can hum the theme to Jaws while doing so.

They can also devour small boats. Sorry about those researchers that went
missing. Next time we'll put up warning signs.


> Item 9:
> "Spikeage? There was spikeage?" Willow questioned, "Why was there
> spikeage? And who let him get into Giles' little 'naughty' box he keeps in
> the back of his closet anyway? And... I really shouldn't have said that
> last part." She trailed off turning a bit red.

The United Vegetable Empire would like to petition for access to the
contents of Giles 'naughty' box. Or at least let us borrow some things for
the party.


tater (Vegetables of the world unite!)

Head of the United Vegetable Empire.