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TO: All department heads: United Vegetable Empire: and all other interested parties. FROM: Director of Public Safety SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for October 2002
Small furry little beast walks to podium wearing dark sunglasses with an ‘American Flag’ bandana wrapped around head. Now since all of you have… somewhat survived the October-fest Block Party and the All Hollow’s Eve festivities its time to recap for those of you who are having ‘difficulty’ remembering just what you did last month and why the authorities of small Southern towns are looking for you.
Item 1: Regarding one Squall Leonhart who was rescued by the Gutter Self-Defence Force and Lynch Mob after a brief encounter with the evil Riley and Mutt-boy shippers. Squall is doing well and is in an undisclosed location getting debriefed and – as I type – is sharing a spiked jungle juice keg with the Shade Wearing Koala and Silent Panicky gopher recounting his daring encounter and escape from the duller then dirt Riley and Mutt-boy shippers. At last report, our dear Squall is blaming his capture on a temporary confusion of a new list he joined and being thrown off by one of its members using a different screen name on him. In regards to the incident the mischief-making little fruit draining bat has issued the statement: “While it is fun messing with my fellow list-sibs minds… it was never my intention to cause anyone to fell victim to the evil Riley and Mutt-boy shippers.”
Item 2: Regarding the rumour of the Shade Wearing Koala who apparently crashed a rave proclaiming: “Iam Koala… hear me head bang!” Exactly what he meant by the statement is still under investigation; however, according to reliable sources he has a well thought out alibi and is just dying for someone to demand an explanation of his actions.
Item 3: Reports of renegade forest and swamp dwellers who shall remain nameless for the moment {glares meaningfully at a certain Gator} roaming the local Gap. Before anyone starts making denials… I know about the hijacking of the whip cream truck and the break in at the silk ribbon factory. Now… I will be taking alibis and conspiracy theory explanations… once the proper investigation has been conducted we will be putting the testimony of all concerned into a three volume book series and selling them for the Christmas/Solstice holiday to raise money for the building of the new Temple of Artemis to replace the one that got trashed by the Roman Legion re-enactors earlier last week.
Item 3 add-on: Eponin of the Amazon Royal guard has been successfully sedated for the rest of the week and slipped into the bed of her mate. Hopefully by the time the Weapons Mistress awakens she will be calm enough not to lead the outraged lynched mob against the Roman Legion re-enactors until negotiations with the Gutter and Woods Outback can be complete. The attack itself was against the Amazon Temple the hooligans, for some odd reason, staying well away from the Silent Panicky Gopher Who Smuggles Jungle Juice for the Shade Wearing Koala, who spent a relaxing week teaching both of his little cute-as-all-get-out cubs how to drive the Koala’s hover tank. Regardless of who the vandals targeted the Amazons are residences of the Woods Outbackand do have the right to retaliate, and as fellow residences of those very same woods all the furrier and scaly members of the Gutter are demanding the right to join the lynch mob.
Item 4: Upon the capture of the Roman Legion Re-enactors – who we have strong reason to believe are Riley 4-life shippers – there will be celebratory Block Party and Gladiatorial Games to be held in the new Amazon training facility that used to be the abandoned skate park before a certain novice Little Red Fox accidentally teleported it into the Woods Outback. Although I am told the Little Red Fox has gotten ‘better’ at her teleportation spell so we should not have anymore-sudden hailstorms of halibut. Granted the vampire Penguins seemed to enjoy the downpour of fish the rest of us non-fish loving residence of the Woods Outback were getting a bit tired of all the damn fish everywhere.
Item 5: Regarding the recent staking of several demonic cabbages by the bunny-slayer, according to first hand reports the slayings were in self-defence in something we are calling:“suicide by bunny-slayer.” Apparently some heartless individual set up a wide-screen television in front of the demonic cabbage patch and has been playing almost non-stop the new commercials for the Cabbage Patch Dolls. Some ofthe cabbages simple could not take the torture anymore and instead of committing suicide – which in demonic cabbage lore means they would come back asa Tribble – they chose to seek out and irritate the bunny-slayer until she was forced to slay them.
Now people… tormenting the demonic cabbages is like a national pastime for several of the Gutter and Woods Outback dwellers but we must draw the line somewhere! Are we mischief-makers and mayhem spreaders…or the much-dreaded ‘adults’?? We have standards in the Gutter and Woods Outback… we can think of more clever and down right demented methods of tormenting the demonic cabbages then a wide screen blaring Cabbage Patch Doll Ads! Besides… we have a treaty with Tater and the United Vegetable Empire that clearly states we can’t do that without having the Yams and Pumpkins firebombing the Vegetable Packing Plant again.
Item 6: Regarding the Viking Pigs. Yes I know they have been running amok in the Outer Vegetable Territories looking for something they are calling the ‘Golden Pineapple’ in a series of chomp and destroymissions. However, I’m not sure what you guys expect me to do about it? I’m the Director of Public Safety for the Gutter and Woods Outback… not the Outer Vegetable Territories…while the Viking Pigs running amok anywhere is always annoying – especially when they insist on singing ‘In the Navy’ while conducting the actual raid. There is not much I can do about it, other then offer the UVE some of our flamethrowers and more militant Gutter and Woods Outback dwellers, who enjoy roasted pig and BBQ, to help repulse the invaders.
Item 7: There is no item 7 – Rodrigo has reportedly stolen it in a Koala custom in some bizarre lampshade-cloning plot.
Item 8: PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Okay… which one of you jokers showed Cat-Willow those pictures of her mate slaying in the nude?!!
Item 9: The primal darkslayer slowly stalked the little hacker in the dark graveyard, bound across tombstones and crypts careful not to touch the ground as she pursued her delightful target. This was her time, her place now,she would not go back – locked up in the back of the mind of the loud stupid one who didn’t know how to properly pounce and protect her chosen mate. The slayer would not go willinglyback to the hated cage only to be let out during battle, she wanted more, she wanted the night and the right to be with her mate. And no one was going to make her go back, not Gi-les andhis dusty books, not Angel and his soul… she was out now and she was staying so she could make sure her family was protected. No one was going to hurt mother and little Dawn… and most importantly her mate… her Wil-low.
Item 10: To the person holding the Koala’s muse hostage… you will be hunted down and staked out for the demonic cabbages if you do not release his muse and return it to him unharmed – or in the very least carrying a full keg of spiked jungle juice and holy white lightning.
That is all… we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics.
Shadow -
Dir. of Pub. Safety ofthe SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy Bear and Flying Fox of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and Little Comma. Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of Quindolyn. Founding Member of GWBNS - Hey, its a way of life! Dark MIstress of Weirdness. Yang to Alex's Yin. Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member of the Order of the Silver Claw of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. Member of the Questionably Sane Biker Were-Folk Assn. {QSBWFA}
"I do not brood... I reflect." - Unnamed Vampire Teddy Bear 03/2002
AIM screen name: WolfFalke Yahoo screen name: drakesshadow MSN messenger: Tankesly@xxxxxxxxxxx {Shadow} ICQ Number: 82517628
Web Page: http://shadowlander.topcities.com/
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