CORRECTED VERSION (I hope): October 2002 Gutter Report

["Shadow" <Shadowlander1@xxxxxxx>]

TO: All department heads: United Vegetable Empire: and all other interested
parties.
FROM: Director of Public Safety
SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for
October 2002

Small furry little beast walks to podium wearing dark sunglasses with an
'American Flag' bandana wrapped around head. Now since all of you have...
somewhat survived the October-fest Block Party and the All Hollow's Eve
festivities its time to recap for those of you who are having 'difficulty'
remembering just what you did last month and why the authorities of small
Southern towns are looking for you.

Item 1:
Regarding one Squall Leonhart who was rescued by the Gutter Self-Defence
Force and Lynch Mob after a brief encounter with the evil Riley and Mutt-boy
shippers. Squall is doing well and is in an undisclosed location getting
debriefed and - as I type - is sharing a spiked jungle juice keg with the
Shade Wearing Koala and Silent Panicky gopher recounting his daring
encounter and escape from the duller then dirt Riley and Mutt-boy shippers.
At last report, our dear Squall is blaming his capture on a temporary
confusion of a new list he joined and being thrown off by one of its members
using a different screen name on him. In regards to the incident the
mischief-making little fruit draining bat has issued the statement: "While
it is fun messing with my fellow list-sibs minds... it was never my
intention to cause anyone to fell victim to the evil Riley and Mutt-boy
shippers."

Item 2:
Regarding the rumour of the Shade Wearing Koala who apparently crashed a
rave proclaiming: "I am Koala... hear me head bang!" Exactly what he meant
by the statement is still under investigation; however, according to
reliable sources he has a well thought out alibi and is just dying for
someone to demand an explanation of his actions.

Item 3:
Reports of renegade forest and swamp dwellers who shall remain nameless for
the moment {glares meaningfully at a certain Gator} roaming the local Gap.
Before anyone starts making denials... I know about the hijacking of the
whip cream truck and the break in at the silk ribbon factory. Now... I
will be taking alibis and conspiracy theory explanations... once the proper
investigation has been conducted we will be putting the testimony of all
concerned into a three volume book series and selling them for the
Christmas/Solstice holiday to raise money for the building of the new Temple
of Artemis to replace the one that got trashed by the Roman Legion
re-enactors earlier last week.

Item 3 add-on:
Eponin of the Amazon Royal guard has been successfully sedated for the rest
of the week and slipped into the bed of her mate. Hopefully by the time the
Weapons Mistress awakens she will be calm enough not to lead the outraged
lynched mob against the Roman Legion re-enactors until negotiations with the
Gutter and Woods Outback can be complete. The attack itself was against the
Amazon Temple the hooligans, for some odd reason, staying well away from the
Silent Panicky Gopher Who Smuggles Jungle Juice for the Shade Wearing Koala,
who spent a relaxing week teaching both of his little cute-as-all-get-out
cubs how to drive the Koala's hover tank. Regardless of who the vandals
targeted the Amazons are residences of the Woods Outback and do have the
right to retaliate, and as fellow residences of those very same woods all
the furrier and scaly members of the Gutter are demanding the right to join
the lynch mob.

Item 4:
Upon the capture of the Roman Legion Re-enactors - who we have strong reason
to believe are Riley 4-life shippers - there will be celebratory Block Party
and Gladiatorial Games to be held in the new Amazon training facility that
used to be the abandoned skate park before a certain novice Little Red Fox
accidentally teleported it into the Woods Outback. Although I am told the
Little Red Fox has gotten 'better' at her teleportation spell so we should
not have anymore-sudden hailstorms of halibut. Granted the vampire Penguins
seemed to enjoy the downpour of fish the rest of us non-fish loving
residence of the Woods Outback were getting a bit tired of all the damn fish
everywhere.

Item 5:
Regarding the recent staking of several demonic cabbages by the
bunny-slayer, according to first hand reports the slayings were in
self-defence in something we are calling: "suicide by bunny-slayer."
Apparently some heartless individual set up a wide-screen television in
front of the demonic cabbage patch and has been playing almost non-stop the
new commercials for the Cabbage Patch Dolls. Some of the cabbages simple
could not take the torture anymore and instead of committing suicide - which
in demonic cabbage lore means they would come back as a Tribble - they chose
to seek out and irritate the bunny-slayer until she was forced to slay them.

Now people... tormenting the demonic cabbages is like a national pastime for
several of the Gutter and Woods Outback dwellers but we must draw the line
somewhere! Are we mischief-makers and mayhem spreaders...or the
much-dreaded 'adults'?? We have standards in the Gutter and Woods
Outback... we can think of more clever and down right demented methods of
tormenting the demonic cabbages then a wide screen blaring Cabbage Patch
Doll Ads! Besides... we have a treaty with Tater and the United Vegetable
Empire that clearly states we can't do that without having the Yams and
Pumpkins firebombing the Vegetable Packing Plant again.

Item 6:
Regarding the Viking Pigs. Yes I know they have been running amok in the
Outer Vegetable Territories looking for something they are calling the
'Golden Pineapple' in a series of chomp and destroy missions. However, I'm
not sure what you guys expect me to do about it? I'm the Director of Public
Safety for the Gutter and Woods Outback... not the Outer Vegetable
Territories...while the Viking Pigs running amok anywhere is always
annoying - especially when they insist on singing 'In the Navy' while
conducting the actual raid. There is not much I can do about it, other then
offer the UVE some of our flamethrowers and more militant Gutter and Woods
Outback dwellers, who enjoy roasted pig and BBQ, to help repulse the
invaders.

Item 7:
There is no item 7 - Rodrigo has reportedly stolen it in a Koala custom in
some bizarre lampshade-cloning plot.

Item 8:
PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRR

Okay... which one of you jokers showed Cat-Willow those pictures of her mate
slaying in the nude?!!

Item 9:
The primal dark slayer slowly stalked the little hacker in the dark
graveyard, bound across tombstones and crypts careful not to touch the
ground as she pursued her delightful target. This was her time, her place
now, she would not go back - locked up in the back of the mind of the loud
stupid one who didn't know how to properly pounce and protect her chosen
mate. The slayer would not go willingly back to the hated cage only to be
let out during battle, she wanted more, she wanted the night and the right
to be with her mate. And no one was going to make her go back, not Gi-les
and his dusty books, not Angel and his soul... she was out now and she was
staying so she could make sure her family was protected. No one was going
to hurt mother and little Dawn... and most importantly her mate... her
Wil-low.

Item 10:
To the person holding the Koala's muse hostage... you will be hunted down
and staked out for the demonic cabbages if you do not release his muse and
return it to him unharmed - or in the very least carrying a full keg of
spiked jungle juice and holy white lightning.

That is all... we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics.



Shadow -

Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy
Bear and Flying Fox of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and Little Comma.
Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of Quindolyn.
Founding Member of GWBNS - Hey, its a way of life! Dark MIstress of
Weirdness. Yang to Alex's Yin. Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member
of the Order of the Silver Claw of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. Member
of the Questionably Sane Biker Were-Folk Assn. {QSBWFA}

"I do not brood... I reflect." - Unnamed Vampire Teddy Bear 03/2002

AIM screen name: WolfFalke
Yahoo screen name: drakesshadow
MSN messenger: Tankesly@xxxxxxxxxxx {Shadow}
ICQ Number: 82517628

Web Page: http://shadowlander.topcities.com/