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Title of Story: Just Beneath the Surface (1/?) Title of Chapter: Secrets of the Heart Author: WillowX email at willowxbvsb@xxxxxxxxxxx Rating: PG Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer belongs to Joss Whedon, 20th Century Fox, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Television and Kuzui Enterprises. Buffy is distributed by 20th Century Fox and the Warner Brothers Television Network. Summary: Set in Season 7 at the end of "Same Time, Same Place". Buffy?s point of view. Secrets of the Heart Willow spent years fighting by my side. Years! In that time she endured sleepless nights, gut wrenching terror, and heart pounding fear. Together we faced most of the demos that go bump in the night and came out like winners. I was pushed into the battle unwillingly but Willow chose to do it. She choseit! Day in and day out she sacrificed her life for my calling. In my eyes she was truly a champion and then, several months ago, after everything Willow had done, after everything she had sacrificed . . . she tried ending the world herself. I couldn?t believe it as it was happening. It was almost as if I was watching it on television, the whole scene unraveling itself before of me, my best friend turning into my worse enemy. The world seemed to move in slow motion as I struggled to understand what had gone wrong. I wondered what happened to my friend. I mean, she flipped, I knew that, but it was the level of flippyness that freaked me out. Willow, my champion, became a murderer. A murderer! The sight of Warren?s skinless body strung up on the trees, the smell of burning flesh in the air, and the knowledge that Willow did that will forever hauntme. She became a murderer and it was my fault. I had done that to her. Well, not directly, but it was my fault. It was so my fault! She studied magic to help me, to assist me in my battles, to become my dutiful sidekick. Tara was shot because of me. It was me Warren was trying to kill! Me! I mean . . . forget the magic! Forget Tara! For God?s sake, if it hadn?t been for me Willow would?ve probably been safely tucked away in Harvard or Yale or some other smart people school I don?t know the name of. Instead she was prancing around the halls of UC Sunnydale. The school whose new slogan was ?Enroll Today, Campus Deaths Down 25%?. My mere presence in Sunnydale had hurdled her life into another world. Into a world full of pain she didn?t deserve. "I thought you were going to show me what a Slayer was?" She had asked sarcastically after beating me near senseless that night in the Magic Box. I stared in disbelief at the woman standing before me spewing snarky remarks.Her eyes and hair were consumed in black magic. Spider web veins pumping with fury covered her once fair porcelain face. Her features distorted and her action's unrecognizable. There was so much hate and anger in her and she was taking it out on me. I looked at her hard and steady, but saw only images of the Willow I once knew flashing in my mind?s eye. One particular image outshone the rest. It was the memory of Willow dressed in a bright red overall sitting with me on the grassy clearing outside Sunnydale High. "And I just realized that's what I want to do. Fight evil, help people." She had said that day as we sat on the grass. Those were words that resonated in my ears when we fought in the Magic Box. My heart ached at the knowledge that the Willow that had spoken those words was long lost. Her kind comments were exchanged for venomous remarks. Her sweet face was replaced with a look of hatred and evil. It was obvious she wanted me dead, yet all I could think about was the day she promised to fight by my side. I punched and kicked her, but only because I was hoping to snap her out of her evil trance. I was holding back. I mean, come on, I?m the Slayer! I could have killed her at any moment. One good swing and I could?ve decapitated her. One good kick and I could?ve broken her arms and legs like twigs. I could?ve punched through her chest and ripped out her heart like I did Adam. But I didn?t. I let her hit me. I let her hit me because I deserved it. I let her hit me because a piece of me wanted to die too. The piece of me that was tired of the constant struggle. The piece of me that saw how worthless my life had become. The piece of me that realized even my best friend hated me. That night in the Magic Box as I fought Willow, my best friend in the whole world, it was the memory of her sweet face as the sun shined through her crimson hair that danced in my head. It was the memory of that day that gave me the strength to not give up on her . . . to not give up on myself. When it was all over and in the evil in Willow had been defeated, it was Xander who had saved the day. He used his love to bring her back. I used my fists and failed, but Xander used love and succeeded. Don?t get me wrong.I was glad he succeeded but it stung, like lemon brushed over an open wound. I wondered if I failed because there was no love left for me to give. My heart had been tapped dry from years of pain. There was only bitterness, resentment and regret left in me. Perhaps had it been me standing on that hill instead of Xander the world would have ended on that very day. I didn?t talk to her after that. I didn?t know what to talk to her about. I didn?t know what to say to bring our friendship back. Actually, there was nothing I could say. Our friendship, as we once knew it, was officially gone. I had stood idly by as she slipped through my fingers. I stood helpless as I lost my best friend. Not a day had passed after her evil magic fest when I watched from the shadows as Giles hustled her into a cab, in the middle of the night, while I was on patrol. Covertly. In secret. I watched her from afar in the pale moonlight. There were lines etched on her forehead and around the edges of her mouth. She had aged, she was tired, and I felt silent hot tears scorch down my face. Giles had said he was taking her to England to recover with the Coven, but I knewthe truth. He was taking her away from me and this place, because it was the only way she would recover. I was the cause of it all and my heart was empty. From the moment she left time seemed to stretch out endlessly. Long days turned into long weeks, long weeks turned into long months, and long monthsinto long years. Well, actually, it had only been a little over four months, one hundred and thirty-eight days to be precise, but it seemed like forever to me. When Giles called to say he was sending her home, the first thing I did was switch rooms with her. It wasn?t for me. It was for her. I didn?t thinksleeping in the room that Tara died in was going to help her. In fact, I was afraid it would destroy her and watching my best friend fall apart once had caused more than enough heartache to last me a lifetime. So I stood quietly at the door of my old room and her new room. It was full of boxes and there were shadows of frames on the walls where happy picturesof us all once hung. She sat motionlessly on the bed with her legs crossed. The same lines I saw the night she left were etched around her mouth. They werevery light but I could still see them. She was wearing a pair of my pajamas because she couldn't find hers in the mess I had made moving rooms. Her stomach was bandaged and you could see the faint stains of blood through the gauze. Hereyes were sealed tightly and her forehead was frowning in concentration. It was her first day back and she had already been wrongly accused, locked alone in a cave with a demon, and nearly skinned alive. Why would she ever come back here? "Buffy . . . " I heard her soft voice call right when I had turned around to walk away. I didn?t think she knew I was there and it pained me to look at her any longer. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt." I responded apologetically.She shrugged and let out a deep sigh. "That's all I had left in me anyway." Willow said trying to make me feel better about interrupting her. "What are you doing?" I asked curiously. "Healing myself," she said and my eyes shot open. "It?s a thing." She assured, seemingly reacting at my astonished look. "Is everything ok?" She asked softly at the end. Her eyes seemed tired and her shoulders were slumping forward in defeat. "I?m sorry." Was the only thing I could think of saying as I stared into her emerald green eyes from the doorway, those eyes that I had missed so much when they were consumed in darkness. Her eyebrows joined in a questioning look at my statement. "What for?" She asked looking at little baffled. "For Tara." I said plainly and her _expression_ widened in shock. "I nevergot to tell you I was sorry before you went all veiny." I said and mentally slapped my head the moment the words seeped out. She looked hurt and uncomfortable.What was I thinking? "Then you left without even saying goodbye and we didn?t talk the whole time you were in England and . . . " I continued explaining ruthlessly doing my best Anya impression. It was like my mouth had grown tiny little feet with tiny little sneakers and decided to run away from me. I looked at her mid-rant and noticed tears glistening in her eyes. "It?s ok Buffy. I know." She said grimly interrupting my rant and looked down at the bed breaking my gaze. A single tear fell from her lowered face and hit the sheets. I walked toward her slowly and took a seat across from her at the foot of the bed. "Did I stick my foot in my mouth again?" I asked while reaching for her hand on the bed. I grabbed her hand but it was it cold and clammy, and it was then that I realized how nervous she was to be back. "No." She said softly and wiped away yet another tear with her free hand. "It?s best that we talk about it. I don?t want it hanging between us and I don?t want you to feel like you can?t mention Tara. It would be wrong of us to forget her." She finished and looked at me bravely. She was trying so hard to be strong. "I agree." I responded and stared at her for a few seconds. There were so many things I wanted to tell her but there was only one thing that came to mind at that moment. "I missed you." I said and felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders the moment the words exited my lips. Willow breathed a sigh of relief at my confession and smiled softly. "You did?" She asked in a small Willowy voice. "Yep!" I assured her with a grin, attempting to shift the conversation to happier subjects. "A bunch of things happened while you were gone." I said and Willow smiled yet again. She let go of my hand and leaned back resting against the head of the bed as she made herself comfortable for my impending reviewof the summer. "They finally finished rebuilding Hellmouth High." I announced as the first important occurrence of the summer and she responded with an appropriate eye roll and giggle at the new nickname I had afforded our old Alma Mater. "That?s not the best part though." I said with a devilish grin. "Let me guess. You?re working there?" She asked sarcastically and I felt a huge foot stomp on the good part of my story. "How did you guess?" I asked astonished and slammed my hands on the bed. "You?re working there!" She shrieked in disbelief. "Uh huh!" I assured her with an exaggerated nod. "You?re talking to Buffy Anne Summers, School Counselor." Willow nearly fell of the bed when I said that! She looked like a deer caught in the headlights. The last time I saw that face was our first year in College when I gave her a fist full of Kathy?s toe nails and told her she was a demon and I was going to kill her. I couldn?t tellif she had to go to the bathroom or if she was debating in her head whether or notI was telling the truth. Either way her extra special surprise look was a little disheartening. "Hey!" I scolded and then pouted at her reaction. She burst into gigglesbut immediately regretted it when she gripped her stomach in pain. "It hurts a lot, huh?" I asked cautiously eyeing her. "Mmm Hmmm." She grunted affirmatively and returned to the original meditation position she had been in when I found her. "I thought you were too tired." I said softly as the muscles in her facewent through a myriad of discomfort expressions. "It hurts too much not to try. It just takes so much strength." She conceded taking a deep breath. "I don't have that much." She finished in a defeated voice. I lifted both my legs onto the bed and crossed them, mimicking Willow?s position. I looked into her eyes and extended both my arms out to her. "I got so much strength, I'm giving it away." I announced and searched for her hands. "Are you sure?" Willow asked and I felt her body tense up. "Will it help?" I asked. I wanted to make sure she knew my priority was to help her. "Much . . . but it might give you a hell of a headache." She warned witha half smile. "Good. I haven?t felt hungover in a while." I said trying to make her giggle again. I hadn?t noticed how much I missed the sound of her giggles. "Yes, and remember how much fun that was?" She asked with her goofy ?Itold you so? voice. "Willow, I want to do this." I assured her seriously. It wasn?t a jokethis time. I wanted to help her. She took my hands and I closed my eyes. My body instantly surged with an electric current. My skin grew hot and I felt as every part of me hummed with strength. It was kind of cool. ?Thank you.? I heard Willow?s voice say in my head. "You?re welcome." I said out loud and instantly the current was lost. I opened my eyes and Willow was looking at me through her left eye. "Try not to speak out loud when we?re meditating, it kind of makes it harder. Just think whatever you want to say and I?ll pick it up," she instructed me patiently. "Sowwy." I said with a shrug and she took my hands again. ?Like this?? I asked in my mind. ?Yes Buffy. Like that.? She responded stretching out the syllables in each word. I smiled internally at Willow?s Yoda-like attitude. ?I can still hear your Buffy.? Her voice echoed through my head sounding amused at my thought. ?Sorry Master Willow, the Slayer stupid is.? I joked and felt as a warm happy feeling flooded over me. I think she was smiling too. She held my hands tightly as her body continued to heal itself with my strength. It was a strange feeling. My soul was like an opened channel. Emotions and thoughts were flowing freely back and forth. The longer I held her hands the closer to her I felt. Suddenly darkness overshadowed my mind's eye. I couldn?t feel anything but pain, hurt, and anguish. It was absolutely unbearable. My heart was tearing in two as I got a glimpse of the feelings Willow had been carrying around with her for so many years. The feelings she let fester. These feelings weren?t even only about Tara. They went much deeper than that, much more profound. My breathing had begun to labor as I felt a thin coat of hot sweat drip over my skin. My body was growing weak and it felt as if all my energy was being funneled through a straw. My essence was being squished and compressed and forced through a tiny straw. It was getting harder and harder to hold her hands but I tightened my grip, I was not going to let her down. I was not going to fail her again. Visions of people in Willow?s life flashed in my head. All the visionswere accompanied by extreme emotions. I was feeling what she felt. An image of Mr. and Mrs. Rosenberg appeared followed by a pang of intense loneliness and unrequited love. Years? worth of solitude rammed through my head like a runaway train. A succession of faces appeared one after the other, some I did not recognize and some I did. The ones I recognized were all people we went to highschool with, people who spent their lives making Willow?s life impossible. My body was bombarded with feelings of inadequacy and self doubt and I reacted to these feelings physically. I felt as my shoulders slumped and my head lowered as if trying to hide my face from the world. Like a turtle hides it?s head in its shell. Like what Willow did the first day I met her when Cordelia pounced all over her. An image of Oz appeared and my heart burned. It literally ached. Alternating pictures of Veruca and Oz flashed back and forth as the sea of resentment in Willow bubbled to a near boil. So many years she carried this around with her. The pain of finding Oz with Veruca . . . it never went away. I was beginning to whimper in pain but I continued to hold her hands tightly. I was not going to let go. An image of Tara appeared and my breathing stopped. I always thought Tara was beautiful but she was even more beautiful through Willow?s eyes. In my head I saw a picture of Tara smiling shyly. I could hear her giggles incasing me, surrounding me the way a tight glove fits over your hand. Her blue eyes twinkled as they sexily shifted and hid from Willow?s. I felt overwhelming peace! Overwhelming peace . . . followed by intense heart wrenching loss. So much pain! The storm of emotions flowing through Willow was exhausting. My body wasin agony and my heart was beating like wild drums. My hands had slowly lost their grip but I clung to her weakly with my fingers hooked in her own, intertwined as one. We were in the middle of an emotional hurricane. I felt as if winds were blowing all around me attempting to pull our clutched hands apart. But I refused to let go of her. I threw my head back squinting my eyes shut with all my might. I could hardly hold on any longer and then . . . Suddenly everything stopped. All the hurt and anger disappeared and only love remained in her heart. So pure, so intense, so overwhelming. I had no idea it was possible to feel such love. It was genuine and unadulterated. It was complete and unwavering. I saw her soul and it was amazing. Then, almost as if I had been sucked out of mybody by a vacuum cleaner, my entire essence poured into her. I was inside of her looking out through her eyes. I was confused and disoriented at first but the overwhelming feeling of love helped calm me. A bright light shone all around, it was blinding bright, so bright that after a few seconds my vision was overcast by what looked like a dark cloud of smoke. Like what happens when you stare directly at the sun for too long. I mentally strained to see past the darkness. There was someone there. I could hear muffled voices. There was a conversation. Perhaps this person was the source of the love in Willow?s heart. I strained harder but my vision was clouded. I tried. I really did. And that?s when it happened. The smoke dissipated slowly and the outline of agirl appeared. There was something behind her. A tree I thought. It was outside. Definitely outside. I could feel the sun warming my skin and the cool breeze air tossing strands of my hair back and forth. I couldn?t see her face yet but was beginning to hear something. Tid bits. Words. "I kind of love you." The girl said and all of a sudden the smoky cloud that covered my eyes disappeared. It was me! I was the girl! It was a memory of the same day that I treasured. I saw myself through her eyes and suddenly realized the truth. Everything became clear. The world came into focus all at once and I finally saw what had been staring me in the face all along. Then, without warning, the image spun out of control and I found myself standing at the bottom of a tower. It was clearly night time but the sky was exploding with lights and electric charges, like a fireworks show, like the fourth of July except that these fireworks were equipped with jumbo sized demons. The sky was breaking and hell was spilling out. I looked up and sawa body plummeting through the sky. I followed it with my eyes. It looked familiar. I followed it until I heard the crashing sounds of bones colliding with rocks. I strained to see past the cloud of dust that had formed around it. I concentrated. I tried so hard my eyes hurt. I needed to see. Something inside of me was screaming to find out. I needed to know who it was and then I saw it. . . it was me, laying lifeless on a bed of rocks. I felt like someone took a sharp knife and stabbed me in the heart with it, twisting and turning it slowly. The pain was intolerable. My body was being torn to pieces from the inside out.I moaned in anguish and that?s when I realized that pain was not mine, it was hers. It was her heart that hurt so much. It was her heart that was breaking in two. It was the way she felt when she found me dead. "Oh God!" I gasped out loud and let go of her hands covering my mouth. Her eyes shot open in fear and her eyebrows arched in regret. "Oh God Willow!" I repeated while shacking my head in disbelief. I had seen it. I had seen everything and it burned. "Why didn?t you . . . how come . . . when did . . . " I murmured the beginning of a bunch of questions as I stumbled out of bed but none of themcame out clearly. My arms and legs were weak from healing her but it was my heart that made everything so hard. I turned to look at her and her eyes were screaming my name. She was begging me to talk to her. "Buffy. Wait. I can explain." She pleaded nervously reaching out to me, only to jerk back holding her stomach in pain. I didn?t turn to look at her asI staggered out of the room. It was too much. There was too much stuff floating around in my head. I couldn?t talk to her. It was too much to deal with right now. To be continued in Part 2 |