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TO: All Department Heads; United Vegetable Empire; and all other interested parties. FROM: Director of Public Safety SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for April 2003
:: Furry little mischief-making menace steps upto podium wearing a WWII ‘fifty mission’ crush bomber pilot’s cap and a “Back Off I Know Xena” t-shirt. The small beast pauses to look over the crowd making sure that everyone had found a seat and were awake for the recap of last month’s events. One being in particular catching the vampire fruit drainer’s attention, a large alligator stretched out in the middle of the room his tail twitching absently with the Slayer’s little sister sitting cross-legged on his back grinning smugly as her “cuddle-gator” swats at anyone trying to get too close to his charge. With a shake of her head as the Gator swats Quin across the arse before yawning widely to show off a mouth full of sharp teeth, the little beast turns her attention to the figure in a remote corner that looks remarkably like the recently liberated shade-wearing Koala – who is sitting on top of a 55-gallon drum of Spiked Jungle Juice which has a chain welded into place around it that leads to a thick handcuff currently attached to said Koala’s wrist. The Koala grinned brightly notinghis twin’s gaze and straightens up to better display his “Ban the Beach” t-shirt he recently had made in protest of any more adult-sponsored beach trips. ::
Item 1: The Dread Parrot Sails Again!! The rumours have been flying all month… has the Dread Parrot come out of semi-retirement to once again run amok on the Woods Outback High Seas… or just the big pond during the upcoming boat races? Questions and theories have been running rampant as the List’s more hardcore members recall the last Dread Parrot Rampage in which no less then 492 complaints from the Merchant Marines were filed against the Dread Parrot and the Shade Wearing Koala for their Spiked Jungle Juice smuggling operations. The Merchant Marines wouldn’t of been so upset if the two has just reframed from taunting the Longshoremen’s Union with songs from the Pirates of Caribbean and/or humming the theme to Jaws when not humming the theme to Popeye the Sailor. And we won’t go into how or why the two managed to get themselves ‘banned for all ETERNITY’ from Singapore… I’m still paying off the authorities to “forget” the whole sordid little incident… even if it did make the International News for 28 months.
Item 2: It has been reported that one Bill Gopher, long time resident of the Woods Outback and the Gutter Proper had to be emergency air-lifted to the Fortress of Denial after catching a current episode of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer. At last report, Bill has put down the rocket launcher he picked up in self-defence to protect himself, his family… and his pet attack lawyers – who everyone knows are very impressionable not to mention ‘sue-happy as all get out’ and should not be subjected to the horrors of the Joss-being. The Gopher – not believing the evils of the Joss-being, hoping beyond hope that he could safely turn on his beloved show without being subjected to such deviltry as an evil – but non-vamp Willow. That alone is just wrong… because Willow looked HOT in that red leather and should wear more of it as the “Leather-4-the-Hacker” Coalition has long rallied for. And we won’t go into that OTHER thing… that has resulted in 14 of the wide-screen televisions in the Gutter Viewing Room to be smashed and/or hacked apart by irate Gutter and Woods Outback Dwellers that are off the belief that the Golden Chosen One should only kiss the little redhead Hacker but NO ONE ELSE!! As it is, the Gopher has moved his family into the Fortress of Denial for safety, knowing that his two young, innocent, and impressionable little ones will be protected – the attack lawyers are being shown re-runs of LA Law and Perry Mason to claim them down… as for the Gopher’s mate – the cute office assistant… Rose is still mad and she has figured out how to take the safety off of that wet noodle nuke she signed out.
Item 3: The Phantom Chipmunk has been seen stalking the rooftops of Sunnydale Proper at all hours of the day and night, sometimes with the Shade-wearing Koala in Samurai armour, sometimes alone. Just what the Phantom Chipmunk isup to remains a mystery as she keeps disappearing when someone tries to approach her; although, we do have reports that she has been seen giving directions to newcomers to the Gutter and Woods Outback and aiding the Gutter’s Emergency Response Team and Lynch Mob in their continuing war with the door-to-door religious nuts by directing them to a certain Dragon’s lair where theoffending religious nut is fried and later tossed to the demonic cabbages for good measure.
Item 4: Tater… for the love of all the gods… the demonic cabbages are now break dancing!!! Why in the name of all that is semi-sane did you let them rent all those ‘break dancing’ videos???
Item 5: Okay – which one of you jokers told the turnips that the Gutter Accountant was going to be extracting blood from them?? Now as fun as it is to stirup the Demonic Cabbages – especially when someone has a Barbie doll theywant to see sacrificed to Tater the Great – High Veggie Ruler of the Universe… I do have to draw a line at tormenting the turnips… there is a small but determined group of them outside my office protesting the use of said turnips as blood donors… apparently the rumour involves the bleached Billy Idol impersonator being at the so-called Turnip Blood Drive and handing out orange juice.
Item 6: The large mountain lion purred softly as Joyce paused in her reading to scratch the lounging cat, with its head in her lap, behind the ears. The cat’s low, gentle purrs soothing to the woman who was nursing a sprained ankle after a night of helping her oldest daughter clean out the garage. Of course, her eldest being WHO she was, and the town being WHAT it was – the cleaninginvolved the removal and/or slaying of no less then three vampires too stupid to read the name on the mailbox and one suicidal dust-bunny demon who had been driven nuts by a group of mean 8 year-olds constantly singing the “Song That Never Ends” on top of “Peter Cottontail”.
While across the room Dawn was on the floor leaning against her shape-shifting boyfriend as he sunned himself much like his cousin had a habit of doing in the mid-afternoon when he hadn’t managed to claim the spot first, his large scaly green tail absently twitching back and forth as Dawn turned the page in her book snuggling closer to what appeared to the world as a large seven-foot alligator in the middle of the Summer’s living room. The ‘gator would every so often allow his tail to snake around and give his girl friend a quick tickle under a raised knee making sure she didn’t get too engrossed in her reading, after all Math couldn’t be THAT fascinating when there was a semi-hyper alligator in the room that had been interrupted in his mid-morning tug-o-war with one of Giles’ tweed jackets. At the thought the alligator let out a snort eyeing the piece of clothing with yellow eyes determined to get his teeth on the hated object and rip it to pieces… with Willow’s help ofcourse. Tweed made for one of the best tug-o-war ‘ropes’ the two had found when trying to settle the question of just who was the all time Tug-o-War Champion of the Garibaldi and Champion family. ‘As much as I love my cousin… she’s a cat.. cats aren’t tug-o-war champions… even if she does have the jaw and neck muscles of a steel trap… I’m an alligator and master of the death roll,’ the gator silently fumed knowing from past battles that Willow never released her end of the ‘rope’ always hanging on and going with the rolls to keep her grip. The two had been playing it since there were mere hatchling and kitten barely able to turn human without a lot of mental help from one of the Elders. ‘Just wait.. that tweed is going to be mine,’ he purred to himself earning him a startled gasp from Dawn who was still getting used to alligator purrs.
Joyce looked over at the two noting the alligator’s rather predatorial look at Giles’ very endangered tweed jacket, knowing that the cat currently napping beside her on the sofa was just as determined to get the piece of clothing for some reason that only made sense to them. She privately suspected the two just liked to see the look on Giles’ face when he sees pieces of his wardrobe being torn to shreds by two hyper shape-shifters who seem to have developed a rather low opinion of all things ‘Watcher’. Not that she blamed the two… however, she did draw the line atletting a seven-foot alligator turn anyone’s closet into a ‘love nest’, especially when said shape-shifting alligator was dating her youngest and seemed to share his cousin’s affinity for ‘pouncing on one’s mate at any and all times of the day and night’.
“Okay… the pool’s full,” Buffy announced stepping into the living room, a smirk on her face as the alligator’s face immediately lit up and his tail became to sway back and forth happily at the news. “So the swamp lurker can submerge himself and scare the new neighbours… I’m giving you an hour tomess with their minds before me and Wills are coming out.” The slayer warned the alligator as she stood over him, hands on her hips and a hard glare in her eyes, “so no trashing the pool – or you’re buying the next one… and no‘death rolling’ the pool lounge like you did Dawn’s body pillow last week.”
Dawn almost immediately jumped up after slamming her book closed with purpose determined to enjoy the rest of the afternoon in the pool… with luck her boyfriend would get tired of sitting at the bottom of it in his alligator form and come up to play. She was determined to teach him how to play ‘watervolley ball’ if it killed her. ‘How in the world could a guy who can turn into an alligator and sit at the bottom of pools and rivers for prolonged periods of time… absolutely have no knowledge of water sports other then swimming?’ She thoughtto herself as she and her ‘cuddle gator’ headed out for the pool for the hour they had it to themselves.
End Snippet.
Item 7: Isn’t Shadow being an evil little so-n-sofor giving you a taste of the mayhem that is currently brewing in Stormchaser without so much of a warning other then this?? Well of course, I am –sheesh, you guys want me to get kicked out of the ‘Mischief-makers of the World’ Society and have to give up my seat on the Counsel for the Tormenting of List Lurkers??? Well do you?? I got a reputation as a mischief-maker and List trouble-maker to live up to… and besides, I’m just about blown through that damn writer’s block and will hopefully have something to post tothe list to REALLY mess with everyone’s heads!!
That is all… we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics. :: steps down from podium and meets with the Silent Panicky Gopher who has a clipboard and a list of ‘improvements’ he wants to make to the Fortress of Denial to help keep the Buffy/Willow dream alive and the evil Joss-being out of the Gutter and Woods Outback ::
ShadowDrake -
Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy Bear and Flying Fox of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and Little Comma. Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of Quindolyn. Founding Member of GWBNS - Hey, its a way of life! Dark Mistress of Weirdness. Yang to Alex's Yin. Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member of the Order of the Silver Claw of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. Member of the Questionably Sane Biker Were-Folk Assn. {QSBWFA}
"I do not brood... I reflect." - Unnamed Vampire Teddy Bear 03/2002
AIM screen name: WolfFalke Yahoo screen name: drakesshadow MSN messenger: Tankesly@xxxxxxxxxxx {Shadow} ICQ Number: 82517628
Web Page: http://shadowlander.topcities.com/
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