State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for August-October 2003

TO: All Department Heads; United Vegetable Empire; and all other interested parties.

FROM: Director of Public Safety (Yes, I am alive!)

SUBJECT: State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report August – October 2003

Yes, I have returned!! I finally made good my escape from the evil adults and am once more prowling the Gutter Proper and Woods Outback spreading mischief, mayhem and general confusion among all the adult-type beings that have been roaming around scaring everybody. And best of all so has the beloved Gutter and Woods Outback Reports… it’s been awfully boring around here without the once a month total insanity recap. Funny just how much you guys forget and/or flat out deny until I remind you… and in some cases show you the security tapes and police evidence. With that said… on with the recap – boy do a lot of you have some explaining to do!!

Item 1:

We, the dwellers of the Gutter Proper and Woods Outback, in order to form a more secure kingdom for mischief-making and mayhem-spreading – as well as retaining our inalienable rights to refuse to grow up and get grey hairs – hold theses truths to be self-evident: “The tall grumpy {Somewhat… in the most general sense of the word… look her sanity stabilized… … sort of… once she started to run with the bard, therefore the warlord is reformed!} dark Warrior Princess has absolutely no sense of humour when it involves her little bard being naked with anyone but her! Singing the “Joxer the Mighty” song to captured Roman Legionnaire re-enactors IS an act of cruel and unusual punishment… for the poor person that has to sing the song, even if we do give him/her earplugs to block out the singing and hazard pay. Superheating water in the microwave will cause it to explode/erupt when stirred. Trying to use the line: “But the hacker wanted to defrag my hard drive.” – will only get you killed by a very un-amused and outright jealous, not to mention somewhat computer-illiterate, Chosen One who is not above shoving Mister Pointy in places that are just not good… not to mention being down right painful to think about!”

Item 2:

By order of the Sovereign Kingdom of Denial – in accordance with our policy of limitless borders and ‘avenging’ the heinous acts of utter stupidity and unimaginative creativity that certain un-named hack writers and legally insane {if they aren’t they bloody well should be} producers have inflicted on our beloved television and/or literary works all in the name of making money. Yes, there is an oxymoron in that sentence; couldn’t help it “unimaginative creativity” does aptly – in as clean a language as I can think of at the moment – describe the garbage Hollywood has had the audacity to call ‘entertainment’ over the last decade or so. Not to mention screwing over all the fans in the process, usually by insulting our collective intelligence or dumbing us down with flashy special effects that are designed to distract us from the fact that said movie has no plot and is filled with cardboard cutouts. Don’t make me name movies – you guys know me, you know I will do it!

Further the SKD’s Ruling Council has placed a bounty on Shatner’s toupee, we have reports that it has been frightening Bobo, one of the attack lawyers who recently tried to sue a paper cup for casting a provocative profile and corrupting the stapler on Quin’s desk. {See Item 3 for further details if you dare… or simply want to know more about the often unsung – with apparently good reason considering we are talking about a bunch of attack lawyers here – Gutter and Woods Outback Dwellers.}

Item 3:

While the Office of Public Safety is not sure just what kind of profile a basic white Dixie cup is capable of forming, much less why the stapler would take offence to it in the first place. The mere thought of Bobo wondering loose in the Gutter Offices and Home for Wayward Delinquents at night and off his leash without someone with him armed with a stun stick is rather disconcerting to say the least. While he does make a rather imposing and somewhat brutish figure, Bobo is also a highly trained attack lawyer more then capable of litigating his prey to death – much to his continued annoyance. {Bill Gopher and his staff – over at the Office of Lawyerly Affairs – are still waiting for a ruling from the Gutter Supreme Court and Coliseum for Ancient Blood Sports on our lawsuit against the Grim Reaper for aiding and abetting fugitives from Gutter and Woods Outback justice… as if we would let a little thing like death get in the way of justice… no matter how cracked Gutter justice may seem to outsiders!}

Item 4: {continuation of Item 2 – sort of}

The SKD has also issued a bounty for the head of the evil bastard who thought it would be ‘cool’ and ‘awesome’ to “re-imagine” Battlestar Galactica – one of the coolest and most original sci-fi series ever made, but had the misfortune of being made well before its time. While we aren’t sure just what the hell this guy was smoking, snorting, injecting and/or was just plan tripping on when he thought it would be a good thing to turn Starbuck into a woman and forever tarnish the memory of Lorne Green by turning Commander Adama into a mere shadow of himself, we will not rest until said memory is restored and avenged. For these crimes and all the other “re-imagined” crap that the Sci-fi Channel actually had the nerve to waste money on – not to mention showing the damn thing to legions of die-hard Galactica fans. The same fans that have been waiting for yahrens {that would be years for you non-Battlestar types out there} for the chance to get their show back. With their heroes and sit with their kids for a little bonding time as they watched the last Battlestar shepherd its ragtag fleet through an endless sea of stars looking for a world of myth and to safety.

But no… instead we got a four-part mini-series on the Sci-fi channel that totally sucked – which I discovered , by the way, that I hated it in like the first two minutes of seeing bit of it while channel surfing one day. I couldn’t turn the channel fast enough – it was almost enough to cause a little mischief-making fruit-napper to drink or worse… swear off peeled grapes… … … … “Well maybe not swearing off the grapes, especially if I get to sit on the recipe tin in Joyce Summer’s kitchen and have them while she is baking. I’m her official ‘kitchen helper’ …I keep an eye on the cookies for her while they are baking. She thinks its really cute and adorable that I hang upside down from the oven handle and watch them bake. Wha? She has fresh fruit! And is willing to share as long as I behave,” the little beast defended noting the way everyone was looking at her, “you guys are just mad you didn’t think to help first.” Sticks tongue out at pouting Koala twin who has his arms crossed and is trying to look offended while sitting on top of his spiked jungle juice keg wearing his trademark Oakley sunglasses, lampshade at a jauntily angle on his head, and his much loved “Bun-Bun Rules” t-shirt covering his furry chest.

Item 5:

This URL will either have all of you laughing or trying to capture me with the big butterfly nets… … … again!! }:-D

http://www.sluggy.com/

Come learn the myth, the mayhem, the sheer madness and chaos of Bun-Bun and the boys. Trust me, the comic strip rocks and if I didn’t know any better I’d say that mini-lop of a switchblade carrying, telemarketer-hating bunny is one of us. Which means we got one more name to add to the petition to ‘digitally re-mastered Baywatch’ DVDS so that Knight Rider guy is edited out.

Item 6:

It has come to the attention of Security that the Koala has been seen carrying a custom Veg-o-Matic with a built in holster for a 9mm with laser scope and a mini-grenade rack… for which he claims is merely part of a Dark Jedi Temple custom that apparently involves being able to blow vegetables back to their cellular level during winter barbeques, zombie-vegetable attacks… and/or Creed concerts – whichever comes first. We’re pretty sure it has a safety override switch on it and since he only claims to fire it at the vampire tomatoes, the vampire lemmings, and all Riley, Spike and Mutt-boy shippers he happens to stumble across, the rest of us are okay. Besides he knows that I’d tell one brain-dead bottomless pit for a stomach of a Saiya-jin that the Koala Kult is having an ‘all you can eat night’ at the temple if the aforementioned Veg-o-matic should be used against one of his closest buds. Such as a small furry menace of a purring fruit-napper such as myself… I have – nor will I ever – take part in a skeet shooting exercise, I don’t care what my twin says, it certainly will NOT improve my agility and turning ability in the air!

Item 7:

To our new residents out there on the different lists that this is posted to that are not use to the List Gutter Proper and the Woods Outback Mischief-makers, Mayhem-spreaders, and Troublemakers… I would like to take this time to say – on behalf of my fellow delinquents: “OH COOL! New playmates!! Quick… get’em before they dive back into the shadows and start lurking on us!” :: insert wicked grin here ::

Item 8:

There is no item 8 – it was unfortunately lost during a freak pager accident that resulted in said pager being fed to the office shredder after being beaten to within an inch of its pagery-existence by a half-asleep little Hacker who had apparently been having a really, really, really, really, really, REALLY, nice dream about her soul-mate that involved purring and discovering a new purpose for the Library research table that seemed to include the use of chocolate when it {being the pager} had awakened her from the aforementioned blissful slumber.

Item 9:

Regarding the purposed annex of the local Catholic Girl’s School by the Kingdom of Denial, effective 10 November, 2003 the school will be officially moved to the safety of the inner defence walls of the capitol of the kingdom, the ancient and beautiful city of Doonawanna. This decision comes on the heels of the report that Sister Harley-Davies {a long friend and supporter of the volunteer fire brigade’s monthly fire drill and panty raid} was being resigned to a convent in scenic Rhode Island for the next twenty or so years. Why exactly she was being threatened with such treatment we’re not sure… I mean come on!! Nothing ever happens in Rhode Island… it’s just there… taking up the space that Connecticut and Massachusetts didn’t want.

She is highly regarded not only by the Fire Drill and Panty Raid Squad but by the students as well who have longed looked to her for guidance and to help keep the boys at the all boys boarding school, Redneck Bob’s Bunkhouse and School of Snipe Hunting, on the other side of town from sneaking in and scaring them at night. At the moment we are investigating possible connections between Sister Harley-Davies reassignment and the Vatican’s long rumoured ‘anti-fun’ conspiracy that is said to want to outlaw delinquency and frisky naughtiness among the peoples of the world. Given the seriousness of this threat as well as the somewhat panicky and rather trigger happy nature of most of our Gutter and Woods Outback residents we are annexing the Catholic Girls School, along with Sister Harley-Davies and most of the nuns that have become accustomed to the monthly fire drills and panty raids. This is being done for their protection, since it is believed that the students at the School are having their rights to be corrupted by a wild band of mischievous pranksters taken from them.

We have always prided ourselves in the Gutter Proper and Woods Outback of maintaining high standards of mischief, mayhem, and running amok with total professionalism. This is something that we excel at and have worked long hours to improve upon… well causing mischief and mayhem as well as destroying things but that really doesn’t count at the moment… that last thing we destroyed had to go. That mountain was blocking our view of the nudist beach and had to be relocated. And regardless of what NASA thinks… Venus can too use a mountain, is not like anyone is going to actually see, it the entire planet is cover in really dense ass clouds. :: goes on to grumble about wimpy NASA geeks and their lack of vision :: However, we are not allowing Sister Bertha ‘Sex-is-evil’ Marie to stay with the school, mainly due to her repeated attempts to get the Amazons to put more clothes on and to take down their statue of Aphrodite – the one where ‘Dite is wearing like nothing that everyone seems to like so much… except for ol’ Sister Bertha Marie that is. Besides there are those rumours about Sister Bertha Marie, you know the ones that say she is against the whole making, smuggling, and drinking of spike jungle juice, believes in abstinence, and is a founding member of the ‘repatriate the Australian native animals living in the Woods Outback’ movement that has found support from the PETA nuts.

Speaking as a little purring menace of a spectacled vampire fruit bat, I am not returning to Australia until those crazy Australian fruit farmers are disarmed and fitted with tracking collars so I can track their movements. Those crazy humans think it is fun to shoot at hungry little fruit eating bats that are simply trying to survive… its not our fault the idiot humans were too stupid to put up a green house to keep us out of their ‘precious’ trees, I mean come on – it is rather hard to miss a large tree with thousands of nesting fruit bats waiting for nightfall to beginning to feed.

Item 10:

Gutter Security Alert: the Office of Gutter Intelligence, Wild Rumours and Innuendos has issued the following statement, which reads in part: “The BS-shippers are conspiring with the zombie-yams, the snow pea people of Pluto, and the Napoleon croissant-smugglers of West Ontario to turn Tater into a lemon-grass addict so they can take over the United Vegetable Empire and order the cucumber assassins to capture the fabled ‘Golden Zucchini’ to be sacrificed to the Veggie-cult of the demi-pumpkin, Van Pelt .”

Tater… I take it you will be handling this problem personally and I should ignore the reports of screaming veggies and the smell of roasted garlic for a while?? Of course, the Office of Gutter Safety and Security will do what we can to assist you and your loyal veggies in taking care of the zombie-yams and the snow pea people… if it is only to help set up the buffet tables and make sure the demonic cabbage patch is not mistaken for a parking lot again.

Item 11:

Yet again I find myself reminding as yet un-named Gutter and Woods Outback Dwellers {pauses to give certain snickering and smirking List-members a hard look with a little growl of annoyance for affect thrown in} that it is against the List Gutter’s Safety Ordinances to tie ropes around small furry flying fruit-nappers, namely me. As well as tethering said little mischief-maker to the ceiling while an accomplice blows a dog whistle to get me to fly in circles! I don’t care how much it tends to freak out the tourists and the non-regulars… all that damn high-pitched noise gives me a massive headache and I end up unable to walk or fly straight for at least the next six hours. It is neither cute nor funny to see a little vampire fruit bat flying into windows and sliding glass doors, I had stupid crows laughing at me for the love of the Gods!!

That is all… we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics.

ShadowDrake -

Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy Bear and Flying Fox of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and Little Comma. Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of Quindolyn. Founding Member of GWBNS - Hey, its a way of life! Dark Mistress of Weirdness. Yang to Alex's Yin. Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member of the Order of the Silver Claw of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. Member of the Questionably Sane Biker Were-Folk Assn. {QSBWFA}

"I do not brood... I reflect." - Unnamed Vampire Teddy Bear 03/2002

AIM screen name: WolfFalke

Yahoo screen name: drakesshadow

MSN messenger: Tankesly@xxxxxxxxxxx {Shadow}

ICQ Number: 82517628

Web Page: http://shadowlander.topcities.com/