Re: State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for August-October 2003

[Tater <tater@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

TO:  Director of Public Safety; All Department Heads; and all other interested
    parties.
FROM:  United Vegetable Empire
SUBJECT:  State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report August  October 2003


> Item 2:
> By order of the Sovereign Kingdom of Denial  in accordance with our policy
> of limitless borders and avenging the heinous acts of utter stupidity and
> unimaginative creativity that certain un-named hack writers and legally
> insane {if they arent they bloody well should be} producers have inflicted
> on our beloved television and/or literary works all in the name of making
> money.  Yes, there is an oxymoron in that sentence; couldnt help it
> unimaginative creativity does aptly  in as clean a language as I can
> think of at the moment  describe the garbage Hollywood has had the audacity
> to call entertainment over the last decade or so.  Not to mention screwing
> over all the fans in the process, usually by insulting our collective
> intelligence or dumbing us down with flashy special effects that are
> designed to distract us from the fact that said movie has no plot and is
> filled with cardboard cutouts.  Dont make me name movies  you guys know
> me, you know I will do it!

I see someone was subjected to that Charlie's Angel's sequel whose correct
name I am repressing, along with the movie itself.


> Item 4: {continuation of Item 2  sort of}
> The SKD has also issued a bounty for the head of the evil bastard who
> thought it would be cool and awesome to re-imagine Battlestar
> Galactica  one of the coolest and most original sci-fi series ever made,
> but had the misfortune of being made well before its time.  While we arent
> sure just what the hell this guy was smoking, snorting, injecting and/or was
> just plan tripping on when he thought it would be a good thing to turn
> Starbuck into a woman and forever tarnish the memory of Lorne Green by
> turning Commander Adama into a mere shadow of himself, we will not rest
> until said memory is restored and avenged.  For these crimes and all the
> other re-imagined crap that the Sci-fi Channel actually had the nerve to
> waste money on  not to mention showing the damn thing to legions of
> die-hard Galactica fans.  The same fans that have been waiting for yahrens
> {that would be years for you non-Battlestar types out there} for the chance
> to get their show back.  With their heroes and sit with their kids for a
> little bonding time as they watched the last Battlestar shepherd its ragtag
> fleet through an endless sea of stars looking for a world of myth and to
> safety.

What?!  Has this aired already?  Did I miss it?  I wanted to see it.


> Item 5:
> This URL will either have all of you laughing or trying to capture me with
> the big butterfly nets& & & again!!  }:-D
>
> http://www.sluggy.com/
> Come learn the myth, the mayhem, the sheer madness and chaos of Bun-Bun and
> the boys.  Trust me, the comic strip rocks and if I didnt know any better I
> d say that mini-lop of a switchblade carrying, telemarketer-hating bunny is
> one of us.  Which means we got one more name to add to the petition to
> digitally re-mastered Baywatch DVDS so that Knight Rider guy is edited
> out.

Hey, can we replace the Knight Rider guy with the car?  The car was cool.


> Item 7:
> To our new residents out there on the different lists that this is posted to
> that are not use to the List Gutter Proper and the Woods Outback
> Mischief-makers, Mayhem-spreaders, and Troublemakers& I would like to take
> this time to say  on behalf of my fellow delinquents:  OH COOL!  New
> playmates!!  Quick& getem before they dive back into the shadows and start
> lurking on us!  :: insert wicked grin here ::

Heh.  We've already assimilated their houseplants into the Empire.  They
cannot escape now.  


> Item 10:
> Gutter Security Alert: the Office of Gutter Intelligence, Wild Rumours and
> Innuendos has issued the following statement, which reads in part: The
> BS-shippers are conspiring with the zombie-yams, the snow pea people of
> Pluto, and the Napoleon croissant-smugglers of West Ontario to turn Tater
> into a lemon-grass addict so they can take over the United Vegetable Empire
> and order the cucumber assassins to capture the fabled Golden Zucchini to
> be sacrificed to the Veggie-cult of the demi-pumpkin, Van Pelt .
>
> Tater& I take it you will be handling this problem personally and I should
> ignore the reports of screaming veggies and the smell of roasted garlic for
> a while??  Of course, the Office of Gutter Safety and Security will do what
> we can to assist you and your loyal veggies in taking care of the
> zombie-yams and the snow pea people& if it is only to help set up the buffet
> tables and make sure the demonic cabbage patch is not mistaken for a parking
> lot again.

Yes, the matter is well in hand.  Don't mind the odd noises and cooking
smells coming from the Palace kitchens and BBQ pits.  Oh, and party this
weekend at the Veggie Palace.  We'll have plenty of food, though I'm afraid
it will all be vegetarian.  **evil snickering**  

We're not eating the BS shippers, we're afraid of food posioning.  We're
using what's left of them to mulch the Demonic Cabbage Patch.  Those
cabbages are impossible to posion.  Don't ask how we know that.  Don't ask
what happened to all those Riley shippers either.


tater (Vegetables of the world unite!)
Head: United Vegetable Empire


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