End of the Year State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for 2005

TO: All Department Heads; United Vegetable Empire; the three lurkers in the corner; and all other interested parties.

FROM: Director of Public Safety

SUBJECT: End of the Year State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for 2005!!

Yes, yes… everyone read that right… I finally managed to break free from my captures (who insist on calling themselves ‘adults’ from this odd place called ‘reality’) and have returned once more to spreading mischief and mayhem!

Item 1:

If it is the last thing I do, it will be to find the little so-n-so that told the evil adults where to find me in the first bloody place!! I just know it was some bloody flea-infested Mutt-boy/Jell-O shipper who told them where to find me. :: grumbles darkly about un-fun loving adult-type beings always spoiling the fun of little vampire fruit bats just out to have a little fun ::

Item 2:

Regarding the request from the Demonic Cabbages to set up cameras and video equipment in the South Gutter hot tub area to capture on film the legendary Phantom Asparagus that is said to haunt large bodies of hot water… … okay which one of you jokers gave the Cabbages all those ‘special request’ forms?? Need I remind everyone that it is strictly prohibited for recording equipment of any kind to be set up in the South Gutter? The only exception to this rule is the monitoring equipment belonging to Gutter Security which monitors peeping tom activity. Since the hot tubs have become a favourite haunt of the Amazons it is important to maintain the privacy of the hot tubs complex. The Amazons are firm believers in an ‘eye for an eye’ and are not shy about using some fool for ‘axe catching’ nor are they very keen on being spied upon.

From what little I understand of actual Veggie-lore, the legendary Phantom Asparagus is said to haunt edible roots attempting to sing opera while being dipped into boiling water. Hey, it doesn’t make much sense to me either… but from what I was told, the Phantom Asparagus is supposedly some ancient primal veggie spirit sent by the Fruit-cup Gods to torment just about anyone that has the misfortune of hearing it butcher Wagner. If such a creature is indeed lurking near the South Gutter hot tubs, it will be dealt with as swiftly and as harshly as possible – we will retaliate with ABBA if necessary. {While I am aware that a Barney, Donny and Marie, and/or a Backstreet Boys CD will do just as well if not better then the ABBA CD… we do have standards around here and quite frankly we want to discourage the Phantom Asparagus from doing any singing… not chase off half the list or cause a riot!!!} As for the Cabbages additional request for ‘Phantom Asparagus’ hunting licenses that has been approved on the provision that the Demonic Cabbages don’t start singing and/or dancing along to the Phantom Asparagus’ singing.

Item 3:

Regarding the repeated protests of the Pond-scum Anti-Defamation League {PADLE} over some Halloween costumes worn at the annual Gutter and Woods Outback All Hallows Eve Block Party and Autumn Bonfire of Riley-shippers. According to PADLE the local Pond-scum and Algae community have found the costumes worn by several Gutter and Woods Outback residents as racial, stereotypical and just plain offensive. As a result dressing up as your favourite politician has been banned from future Block Parties. Mainly due to the fact it is sometimes hard to tell an actual politician from a costumed Gutter Member… especially during election year and since Security DOES have shot to kill orders on stray politicians showing up at Block Parties and trying to turn them into Rallies of some type.

Item 4:

It has been requested of the Amazon Bard/Queen that at all future Block Parties that she and her nation may attend – and/or crash out of cultural curiosity or out and out boredom – that NO ONE challenge her tall, dark, and often grumpy Warrior Princess to ANYTHING! The semi-reformed Dark Warlord is not known for playing very fair especially when the winner gets Bard Cuddle time.

Item 5:

The Amazon Hot Springs were officially dedicated this past Fall Harvest in the small cave and tunnel network that partially runs under the Amazon village. Our Warrior Women neighbours are quite pleased with their new tunnel system connecting the cave hot springs to their camp allowing for them easy access without having to bother with a surface path that can be snowed in. Thankfully the dedication ceremony went off without a hitch despite the few dozen Woods Outback-dwellers that showed up. It seems the Amazons are finally getting used to some of our more ‘curious’ List-dwellers who are always in the mood for a party.

Item 6:

Regarding the apparent fly-by pouncing and purring of the 3 lurkers in the corner, according to a statement released by the resident Vampire fruit napper and chief mischief-maker: “purrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRR”!!!

Item 7:

Regarding the recent possible outbreak of Mad Carrot disease among the more root oriented of the Veggie community, the United Vegetable Empire is proud to report that: “All of their carrots have successfully completed anger management classes.” It is believed that with the completion of this phase of the United Vegetable Empire’s 12 step Mulching and Weeding Program they will have more time to turn their attendant to more important matters. Like keeping the Demonic Cabbages out of the local Home Depot!!!!!

Item 8:

Regarding the report of a group of Demonic Cabbages capturing one of the water catapults and then assaulting a group of potatoes by repeatedly launching themselves at the aforementioned spuds, according to Security the Cabbages seemed to be making mash potatoes. Apparently said Cabbages are not allowed to use household appliances (points to pass report of said Cabbages managing to set ice cream on fire). Although it is still under investigation if the water catapult squad members sent to recapture said catapult managed to get all the mashed potatoes out of their hair and assorted body parts.

Item 9:

There is a napping ferret in my lap. :: pauses to scratch the sleepy little beast under the chin ::

Item 10:

Regarding the pool float thingie found by one Sam Koala; the Dark Jedi is standing by his claim that he does NOT walk around with one of those things when going through the Amazon section of the Western Woods – he simply found it lying in the woods and was taking it to lost and found via the scenic route. The drink cooler was his; however, he uses it for weekly viewing of the South Gutter Security cameras monitoring peeping tom activity.

It positively sucks being a member of the Senior Executive Committee of List Gutter Affairs at times. :: said with a remarkably straight face::

Item 11:

Gutter Security is currently at threat condition ‘gnome’, I repeat – we are at threat condition gnome. For those of you who are new to the Gutter and Woods Outback I assure you that everything is under control we are sampling taking precautions in light of resent sightings of ‘the roaming gnome’. No matter how long it will take, we will hunt down and bring to justice – or in the very least turned over to the nearest riotous mob – that damn roaming gnome. Despite his current occupation of spokes-gnome for some online travel agency, his past crimes against the Gutter will not be ignored or go unpunished. This ‘peeping-gnome’ and reported card carrying member of the “Fuddies” – the Elmer Fudd worshipping cult hell bent on butchering Wagner and putting up ‘Bunny-slayer wanted posters’.

As if that damn Energizer Bunny wasn’t bad enough, always running through the Centaur camp in the middle of the night beating on that damn drum! The little pink bugger damn near got us invaded!

Item 12:

On a sombre note, this pass year – year and half for me – have positively sucked. Aside from being stalked by the evil adults and forced to do ‘grown-up adult type things’ all the damn time, we as a Gutter and Woods Outback community lost one of our founding fathers of Mischief and Mayhem. For those of you who are new to the list and aren’t as familiar with all of the infamous list-members known for causing all sorts of ruckus and such on and off list, many of you don’t know what a great guy Alex P, beloved were-badger biker-tramp and cheerleader snuggler, was. He was an old soul, a guy who had seen and done a lot in his life… and was always there with encouragement for every story he read.

While I had known for a while he was ill, there was a part of me that refused to belief he wouldn’t always be there, lurking online ready to help me plot my fanfics. If you have ever read my email signature, many of you have seen the line “Yang to Alex's Yin”… well that was in reference to the ol’ were-badger… and I can honestly say that his absence has really messed with my creativity. For a while there I really didn’t feel in the mood to do any writing… but that wouldn’t be honouring my friend’s memory very well. I know that half-crazed scooter-tramp is up there hanging with Indian Larry and raising all sorts of mischief and mayhem in the Biker Heaven… so in order to keep him from coming down here and scaring the hell out of me. I will be returning to the spreading of mischief and mayhem… I need to do it – things have been much too quite around here and bugger it all…I STILL REFUSE TO GROW UP!!! They can’t make me… and I’m armed… and I know Amazons with short tempers…and I have wet noodle nukes!

That is all… we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics!

ShadowDrake -

Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy Bear and Flying Fox of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and Little Comma. Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of Quindolyn. Founding Member of GWBNS - Hey, its a way of life! Dark Mistress of Weirdness. Yang to Alex's Yin. Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member of the Order of the Silver Claw of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. Member of the Questionably Sane Biker Were-Folk Assn. {QSBWFA}

"I do not brood... I reflect." - Unnamed Vampire Teddy Bear 03/2002

AIM screen name: WolfFalke
Yahoo screen name: drakesshadow
MSN messenger: Tankesly@xxxxxxxxxxx {Shadow}
ICQ Number: 82517628

End of the Year State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for 2005 - its back!