TO: All Department Heads; Director of Public
Safety; the three lurkers in the corner; and all other interested
parties.
FROM: United Vegetable Empire
SUBJECT: End of the Year State of the Gutter and Woods Outback
Report for 2005!!
Pardon my slow response, but I have spent most of the past
year having chunks of my hide surgically relocated to other parts of my body,
and fun with skin grafts tends to cut into one's computer time. Anyway,
enough with the whining, on with business.
Item 1:
If it is the last thing I do, it will be to find the
little so-n-so that told the evil adults where to find me in the first bloody
place!! I just know it was some bloody flea-infested Mutt-boy/Jell-O
shipper who told them where to find me. :: grumbles darkly about un-fun
loving adult-type beings always spoiling the fun of little vampire fruit bats
just out to have a little fun ::
I'll send the algae boys to investigate this
unfortunate information leak. Should I give them permission to use wet
noodle tortures on suspects?
Item 2:
Regarding the request from the Demonic Cabbages to set
up cameras and video equipment in the South Gutter hot tub area to capture on
film the legendary Phantom Asparagus that is said to haunt large bodies of hot
water? ? okay which one of you jokers gave the Cabbages all those ?special
request? forms??
So that's who broke into my office while I was
incapacitated. I was wondering why anyone would steal paperwork.
I'll confiscate the remaining special request forms immediately. No idea
where they got the video equipment though.
From what little I understand of actual Veggie-lore,
the legendary Phantom Asparagus is said to haunt edible roots attempting to
sing opera while being dipped into boiling water. Hey, it doesn?t
make much sense to me either? but from what I was told, the Phantom Asparagus
is supposedly some ancient primal veggie spirit sent by the Fruit-cup Gods to
torment just about anyone that has the misfortune of hearing it butcher
Wagner. If such a creature is indeed lurking near the South Gutter hot
tubs, it will be dealt with as swiftly and as harshly as possible ? we will
retaliate with ABBA if necessary. {While I am aware that a Barney, Donny
and Marie, and/or a Backstreet Boys CD will do just as well if not better then
the ABBA CD? we do have standards around here and quite frankly we want to
discourage the Phantom Asparagus from doing any singing? not chase off half
the list or cause a riot!!!} As for the Cabbages additional request for
?Phantom Asparagus? hunting licenses that has been approved on the provision
that the Demonic Cabbages don?t start singing and/or dancing along to the
Phantom Asparagus? singing.
Asparagus never makes sense,
phantom or otherwise. Normal asparagus just doesn't sing.
Unfortunately, the Demonic Cabbages do. We'll have any emergency cole
slaw making squad standing by in case they get caught up in the hunt
for the Phantom Asparagus and forget that they agreed not
to.
Item 3:
Regarding the repeated protests of the Pond-scum
Anti-Defamation League {PADLE} over some Halloween costumes worn at the annual
Gutter and Woods Outback All Hallows Eve Block Party and Autumn Bonfire of
Riley-shippers. According to PADLE the local Pond-scum and Algae
community have found the costumes worn by several Gutter and Woods Outback
residents as racial, stereotypical and just plain offensive. As a result
dressing up as your favourite politician has been banned from future Block
Parties. Mainly due to the fact it is sometimes hard to tell an actual
politician from a costumed Gutter Member? especially during election year and
since Security DOES have shot to kill orders on stray politicians showing up
at Block Parties and trying to turn them into Rallies of some type.
Just so everyone is aware, PADLE doesn't mind in the
least if you dress as actual pond scum for Halloween.
Item 4:
It has been requested of the Amazon Bard/Queen that at
all future Block Parties that she and her nation may attend ? and/or crash out
of cultural curiosity or out and out boredom ? that NO ONE challenge her tall,
dark, and often grumpy Warrior Princess to ANYTHING! The semi-reformed
Dark Warlord is not known for playing very fair especially when the winner
gets Bard Cuddle time.
I would think this wouldn't be something anyone
did twice anyway. At least not without spending months in traction
between challenges.
Item 5:
The Amazon Hot Springs were officially dedicated this
past Fall Harvest in the small cave and tunnel network that partially runs
under the Amazon village. Our Warrior Women neighbours are quite pleased
with their new tunnel system connecting the cave hot springs to their camp
allowing for them easy access without having to bother with a surface path
that can be snowed in. Thankfully the dedication ceremony went off
without a hitch despite the few dozen Woods Outback-dwellers that showed
up. It seems the Amazons are finally getting used to some of our more
?curious? List-dwellers who are always in the mood for a
party.
So that's where all the algae moved to. I heard
something about great new tunnel walls, and then they had suddenly all
relocated.
Item 7:
Regarding the recent possible outbreak of Mad Carrot
disease among the more root oriented of the Veggie community, the United
Vegetable Empire is proud to report that: ?All of their carrots have
successfully completed anger management classes.? It is believed that
with the completion of this phase of the United Vegetable Empire?s 12 step
Mulching and Weeding Program they will have more time to turn their attendant
to more important matters. Like keeping the Demonic Cabbages out of the
local Home Depot!!!!!
In fact, we have decided to assign the newly
rehabilitated carrots the task of keeping the Cabbages away from the Home
Depot. Hopefully their recently acquired negotiating skills will be
up to the task. If not, there will be a cole slaw buffet open
to the public at the Vegetable Palace shortly after any incidents at Home
Depot. We've already stocked up on the
mayo.
Item 8:
Regarding the report of a group of Demonic Cabbages
capturing one of the water catapults and then assaulting a group of potatoes
by repeatedly launching themselves at the aforementioned spuds, according to
Security the Cabbages seemed to be making mash potatoes. Apparently said
Cabbages are not allowed to use household appliances (points to pass report of
said Cabbages managing to set ice cream on fire). Although it is still
under investigation if the water catapult squad members sent to recapture said
catapult managed to get all the mashed potatoes out of their hair and assorted
body parts.
*sigh* And here we foolishly thought that taking
the household appliances away from the Cabbages would put
a stop to that sort of thing. Well, at least they didn't set
anything on fire this time. We still haven't figured out how they
did that with the ice cream.
Item 9:
There is a napping ferret in my lap. :: pauses
to scratch the sleepy little beast under the chin ::
Awwww.... I miss my ferrets.
As if that damn Energizer Bunny wasn?t bad enough,
always running through the Centaur camp in the middle of the night beating on
that damn drum! The little pink bugger damn near got us
invaded!
We claim no knowleged of what finally happened to the
Energizer Bunny, and that wasn't pink hasenpheffer on the buffet table at the
last veggie party.
Item 12:
On a sombre note, this pass year ? year and half for
me ? have positively sucked. Aside from being stalked by the evil adults
and forced to do ?grown-up adult type things? all the damn time, we as a
Gutter and Woods Outback community lost one of our founding fathers of
Mischief and Mayhem. For those of you who are new to the list and aren?t
as familiar with all of the infamous list-members known for causing all sorts
of ruckus and such on and off list, many of you don?t know what a great
guy Alex P, beloved were-badger biker-tramp and cheerleader snuggler,
was. He was an old soul, a guy who had seen and done a lot in his life?
and was always there with encouragement for every story he
read.
The Gutter and the lists are poorer places for
his absence.
While I had known for a while he was ill, there was a
part of me that refused to belief he wouldn?t always be there, lurking online
ready to help me plot my fanfics. If you have ever read my email
signature, many of you have seen the line ?Yang to Alex's Yin?? well that was
in reference to the ol? were-badger? and I can honestly say that his absence
has really messed with my creativity. For a while there I really didn?t
feel in the mood to do any writing? but that wouldn?t be honouring my friend?s
memory very well. I know that half-crazed scooter-tramp is up there
hanging with Indian Larry and raising all sorts of mischief and mayhem in the
Biker Heaven? so in order to keep him from coming down here and scaring the
hell out of me. I will be returning to the spreading of mischief and
mayhem? I need to do it ? things have been much too quite around here and
bugger it all?I STILL REFUSE TO GROW UP!!! They can?t make me? and I?m
armed? and I know Amazons with short tempers?and I have wet noodle
nukes!
Good. Growing up is a bad thing, and I'm sure
Alex will haunt you if you do. I'm sure he'd much prefer that we commit
memorial mischief and mayhem. I wonder if I can talk the algae boys into
sneaking lime jello mix into the Amazon hot springs? Or would pina
colada jello mix be more appropriate?
tater (Vegetables of the world
unite!)