Disclaimer: The characters of B:TVS belong to Joss...the characters of ST:V belong to paromount...this story belongs to me.:-) Enjoy.
Chapter eight
Willow lay in a half reclined position, her face pensive as she observed the total peace that filled her best friend?s face as she slumbered. She had slept for a few hours, but her dreams of the night?s events woke her up to the day?s realities. Buffy?s profession of love had taken her by surprise, and now she was at a loss as to what to do. She ran a gentle hand through the blond hair, remembering how soft it had felt as it had flowed across her skin, trailing the soft lips that had been determined to drive her wild. The finger traced the soft slope of her friend?s cheek, as images flashed through her mind of how beautiful the blonde had looked in the daze of passion, how powerful the blue eyes had appeared as they had glowed with the fires of her desire.
Her mind warred with the images of love, and the feelings of guilt they were causing to rise in her chest. She knew that she loved Buffy, had been in love with her from the moment she had waltzed into her life, carrying a dark secret and haunted deep blue eyes. She was the unattainable one, the one she had thought she could never have, the one who had shaken her from her shell and made her look at the world around her. Her love for the Slayer was deep, and had been built over a long period of time.
But what about Tara? Just because she hadn?t known the shy wicca that long, did that make the love she felt for her weak by comparison. She could imagine the hurt on her face in crystal, sharp clarity and it brought such pain to her heart that tears filled her eyes.
How was she supposed to choose? She knew a decision she made was going to hurt a person that she loved, and it made her cringe at the thought of seeing the pain filling the cornflower colored eyes. She already knew who her choice would be, even if it ultimatly turned out to be the wrong one. The love Buffy had unleashed within her soul was glowing with a fierce protective spark and it refused to be held back. It was dimming the barely remembered love she had professed to feel for Tara, and it scared her to think she was so fickle that she could proclaim a love for somebody one day, then turn around and sleep with another that very night.
Buffy stirred in her sleep, bringing Willow?s attention back to the tousled head that lay quite contentedly on her chest. Her fingers resumed their tender motion, sifting through the long blonde hair, as she brushed the strayed strands back from the Slayer?s forehead. She wondered what she would say to her when she woke up, and felt an uneasy nervousness building up inside.
Buffy felt the tickling motion in her sleep, and her face scrunched as her subconscious mind tried to figure out what was causing it. Still half asleep, one hand reached up to brush the irritating fly that she thought was buzzing around her head away, and encountered warm, smooth flesh instead. Her fingers closed loosely around long tapered fingers and she held them gently as they rested beside her head. "That tickles." She murmured softly, before going silent again, simply soaking up the feeling of holding the soft hand in her own.
It took her a few long moments to register that she was holding hands with someone, still being somewhat in a daze, but soon images of making love with Willow filled her mind with a burning clarity, and her eyes popped open in shock. She shut them again, rapidly, hoping against all hope that Willow hadn?t seen so she?d have a chance to figure out what she should do or say to make things better. A thousand words and images raced through her mind, but she was unable to come up with anything that would help her atone for what she had done.
?Oh boy...this is either going to be awkward...or really, really awkward.? Buffy thought, preparing herself mentally, before she winced open her eyes meeting the green ones who were staring intently back at her.
She gulped, nervously, feeling her heartbeat starting to hammer inside of her chest at a very rapid rate. On one hand, she had never seen Willow look more beautiful, her skin was giving off a definite glow in the early morning light. On the other hand, she felt immensely guilty for taking advantage of her friend the night before and didn?t know if she had ruined their friendship irriparibly...two very good reasons to feel like she was doing the five hundred meter dash in the summer olympics. She opened her mouth to speak, but all she managed to produce was a very thin squeek.
Willow saw the Slayer?s face flush with embarrassment, and thought that the Mickey Mouse immitation was really rather cute, she probably would have even enjoyed teasing her friend about it if the situation hadn?t been so potentially harmful for both of them. "Hi." The word seemed remarkably inane after she had said it. It was certainly much too benign a word to encompass all that had happened between them, and Willow frowned at the inadequacy of it. But at least she had been able to utter more than a squeek.
Buffy saw the frown that darkened her friend?s brow and felt her fears grow exponentially, as she wondered if she had just killed her friendship. "Will, I...I am so...so sorry. I never should have...I mean...I...did I hurt you?" It was the one thing she feared the most...she knew how strong she was, and what an effort it took to control that strength, and if she had hurt her friend in an inebriated state she didn?t think she?d ever be able to forgive herself.
Willow saw the concern and self-directed anger that grew on the Slayer?s face and rushed to reassure her. "Buffy...no. You didn?t hurt me. You would never do that." The strenth of the conviction in the red head?s voice soothed the frazzled nerves a little and she felt the too tense form relax against her again. They lay in quiet contemplation for a moment, each wondering what the other was thinking. Finally, Willow broke the silence again. "Did you mean it?"
The question took Buffy by surprise and she was left pondering what exactly she had said. "What? When?"
"Last night...when you told me you loved me. Did you mean it?"
Buffy lifted her head to meet the somber green eyes, taking a deep breath before she answered her. "I meant it. I?d have to be a fool not to love you." She answered finally, seeing a wash of joy and sadness mix on Willow?s face.
"Why didn?t you ever tell me?" Willow asked, wanting to be angry at her friend for telling her now...making her choose between two people she cared about very much.
A hollow sounding laugh exited the Slayer?s lips as she shook her head ruefully. "There just never seemed to be a good time to tell you, Will. And then you told me about Tara and I knew my chance was gone. I hadn?t intended on telling you...but I guess it?s out of the bag now." She noted wryly, looking down at her own naked state.
"What am I going to tell Tara?" The voice was so quiet, Buffy barely heard it, and when she looked up she was surprised to see Willow?s eyes shining with tears. She felt like she?d been kicked by a mule as the guilt settled heavily in her chest, along with the pain she felt radiating from the center of Willow?s being.
"She doesn?t have to know." Buffy murmured, almost not able to get the words out as she prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice. "We can just keep this between us...pretend it never happened." It felt like a razor blade across her heart to just say the words, and she wasn?t sure what she would do if Willow took her up on the offer, when the truth was all she wanted to do was take her in her arms and never let her go. But if Willow wanted to stay with Tara, Buffy would do her best not to spoil her happiness any more than she had already.
Willow could see the stoicism Buffy used to hide behind rising up across her face, but she could still see the penetrating pain that offer cost her, lingering in the shadows of her eyes. "I can?t do that, Buffy." She shook her head in denial of the Slayer?s offer.
"How come?" Buffy asked, her brow wrinkling in confusion.
"Because....I love you, too."