List Gutter Affairs Memo

[Kimber <kacoe@xxxxxxx>]

To: The Director of Public Safety
cc: The Undercover Gutter-Dwelling Scooter-Trash (and Unofficial Village Idiot), The Wet
Noodle Master of the Universe, Head of the United Vegetable Empire, and The Unofficial
Roamer of the List Gutter
Re: Recent memos circulated

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There are several things that have come to my attention recently and I would like to
address them.

First order of business: unfaithful mutt shearing
While it is in the name of all humanity and gutter safety that this event take place, I
must warn you on the hazards of shaving and preening said unfaithful mutt. The mutt has
displayed a tendancey to drool, bark, howl and scratch at anyone who attempts to teach it
good grooming techniques and manners. It is therefore advisable that the proper
equiptment be used in this situation. Such equipment can be signed out from the Office of
Public Safety. You must fill out the appropriate forms and please people. . .it's wearing
hard on our budget when the muzzles and whips go missing (along with two pairs of fuzzy
pink handcuffs). Do try to be careful with them and return them in working order. Oh
hell, I guess I'd be happy if you just returned them. . .

Second order of business: Riley-shaped fungus demon activity
All orders are to cease contact and activity monitoring of said demon. This demon's
activity is being tracked by our top notch undercover Algae Squad. Through an intricate
biological mechanism, said demon's whereabouts are know on a 24/7 hour basis. While this
has left us with some casualties (who knew the Riley-shaped fungus demon was smart enough
to take a hot shower and send our Algae boys down the drain to an untimely demise?), I
plan on working closely with the Head of the Vegtable Empire and form a plan of attack.
The List's Emergency Response Teams and Lynch Mob will be called in when they are needed.

Third order of business: Target practice
It has been deemed necessary by the Department of Shoot Them Now And Ask Questions Later
that all members of the Gutter Dwellers Society are to report for training immediatly. It
has come to our attention that the last attempted erradication of the Buffy/Riley Lets All
Get Along Organization was unsuccesful. Practice makes perfect people. . .now lets all
attack the commando shaped training dummys as if they were real! Oh wait, my mistake. .
they are real, they just look like cardboard cut outs. Well, commence attack training
anyway!!

Forth order of business: Parentage
Our crack team of experts (or was that team of crack experts?) is currently looking in to
the that one suggestion about Mutt-boy's parentage and possible carnal relations with a
lame duck. They have come to the conclusion that if you stand on your head and sing the
theme to Barney while holding a mirror up to the ceiling and having it reflect down upon
aformentioned relations. . .that it is indeed entirely, totally, almost kind of sorta in a
way possible. They are still hard at work in the labs as we speak.

Last order of business: Misc.
It has come to our attention that the Walsh-shaped brain sucker, in a feeble attempt to
stay alive, cut off one of it's own slimey, malformed tenticles. All list members are to
be on the look out for this tenticle. If sighted, you must report the location to the
Head of Public Safety immediately and for the love of the gutter don't touch it!! There
have been reports of adverse effects when coming in contact with the tenticle of the
Walsh-shaped brain sucker such as stiff joints, assigning impossible work loads, having no
sense of humor and insisting that people call you 'Mommy'. If any of these symptoms
overtake you or your comrades, please report to the medical lab immediatly for
disinfecting.

thank you and now back to your regularly scheduled fan fic.


~~Kimber


Official Noodle wetter and wholesale distributor, Gutter-Slut and Vice President and
Treasurer of the Riley/Oz neutering society and garden club...Personnel
Recruiter/Equipment Supervisor for all main gutter and sub gutter affairs.