Committee Announcement

["Shadowlander" <Shadowlander1@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

To: All List Members and Department Heads
From: The Dir. Of Public Safety
Subject: Weekly Department Update

Okay to address the resent activities of the Riley-shaped fungus demon
and the unfaithful mutt. Several new and important facts have come to
my attention in the last twenty-four hours. I will try to address each
matter as fast as possible.

Item 1:
To the Committee's Chief of Security - you have a go on your evacuation
order for Gutter Sector 74; as the area is usually deserted except for
the annual Gutter Founder's Day Block Party and Stake Making Contest, I
really don't see a problem with moving the few residents that dwell
there to a safer location.

As for the activation of ERT Alpha 12 and 13 - that is also a go,
however the ERT's are not to openly engage the unfaithful mutt. Reports
have crossed my desk that mutt-boy does indeed have fleas and we cannot
risk the overall safety and well being of the ERT until the area has
been properly dusted. I am told that the dusting should be complete at
around 1600 hours Greenwich, England time. Once the Hazmat and Dusting
Detail have completed their work both ERT units are directed to assault
the mutt and liberate the hostiles. The Chief of Security is hereby
directed to coordinate the assault with the Unofficial Roamer of the
List Gutter; he knows the area and still has the pink fuzzy handcuffs in
his precession.

Item 2:
It has come to my attention that mutt-boy has gotten a "haircut" in an
attempt to throw off our security forces. As such he will be henceforth
known as "poodle-boy".

Item 3:
To the GCBS and the IBGSM - any questions you have about joining the
Committee's "Supply and Logistic Department" please notify the Vice
President of Monetary Embezzlement and Lawyerial Affairs, he will be
happy to help you. Also when you are visiting his office please do not
feed, poke fun at, or make eye contact with the office pet lawyer. It
is a specially trained attack lawyer and will sue at that drop of a hat.
However the boys and girls at the office of Monetary Embezzlement feed
their pet lawyer with the occasional Amway salesman so it should not
attack when you come to the office. However, to be on the safe side;
please no lawyer jokes and whatever you do, don't say; "Do you know
Jesus?" It puts the pet lawyer in a blind homicidal rage and will only
stop chewing on your leg after repeated beatings with wet noodles.

Item 4:
To the representative of the head of the United Vegetable Empire, be
assured that the Algae who give their lives in the line of duty will not
be forgotten and will specially honoured at next months Gutter Founder's
Day Block Party and Stake Making Contest. Also the Gutter-dungeon
Vampire Fruit Bat Society has vowed to temporarily stop their diabolical
practice of vamping unsuspecting tomatoes near the local juice bar. The
vampire fruit bats feel it would be down right tacky of them to continue
to vamp tomatoes while the Vegetable Empire is in mourning. Apparently
it is no fun spreading mischief and mayhem among the vegetable community
without the algae boys chasing after them.

Item 5:
Last item of importance, will the people responsible for the repeated
crank phone calls to poodle-boy's band mates, please stop. It is not
their fault that the lead guitarist is in desperate need of neutering.
Isn't it bad enough that most of them now have flea because of
poodle-boy?

That is all; we know return turn you to your regularly scheduled fanfic
and mischief making.

Shadow --
Director of Public Safety of the Senior Executive Committee on List
Gutter Affairs and vampire teddy bear; Official Dungeon Keeper and Big
Bad.