List Gutter Safety Report

["Shadow" <Shadowlander1@xxxxxxx>]

TO: All Department Heads; The United Vegetable Empire: and all
interested List Members
FROM: The Director of Public Safety
SUBJECT: List Gutter Safety Report

Good afternoon, I will try to keep this as short as possible, however,
in the past few days a number of pressing issues have surfaced that
demand my immediate attention.

Item 1:
Regarding the petition for the list gutter ordinance for future slaying
in the lower levels by the "Chosen Two" to be done in the nude, has been
denied. No matter how enjoyable the sight may be, I cannot allow the
ordinance to pass. First and foremost I have to take into consideration
the safety of the list. This ordinance will only create more problems
for the Chosen Two then they already have. Furthermore the local Radio
Shacks, and other electronic supply stores, in the tri country area do
not have the inventory to support a demand in video camera, blank tapes,
camera and film will cause. These stores are still recovering from the
Riley-shaped fungus demon staking and the List gutter beach party and
poodle-boy shaving parties.

Furthermore, it does get a bit cold in the lower levels especially at
night, and getting the Chosen Two sick is not going to help keep the
gutter relatively free of demonic forces. Also the request for
"Official Slayer Warmers" to be appointed from among the list members,
in case either of the Slayers should fall into any of the numerous small
pools of water throughout the list, is also denied. Not only would it
cause possible fistfights among respective candidates for the posts but
it has long been rumoured that both Slayers have a very jealous
significant other that will have no problem with beating anyone touching
"her" Slayers to death with a shovel. We also have to take into account
the back up in the flow of traffic in and out of the gutter, as well as
the added difficulty of a large gathering assembled around the Chosen
Two as they are slaying. The lower levels of the gutter are small and
cramped enough as is without adding 500 plus spectators.

Item 2:
Regarding the request from the Guttershoreman's Union and the
Gutter-Canadian Benevolent Society be permitted to break the kneecaps of
all persons who spam the beloved list with very heavy, very versatile
slabs of Maple Cured Back Bacon, the most fierce weapon in the Canadian
Arsenal, has also been denied. While such an event would be most
enjoyable to watch and recorded for posterity. I have already had
threats of mass protest and/or riots from the List Gutter Swine, {yes we
have swine in the gutter - how else are we to harvest truffles at night
without them?} who see pork products being used as weapons - no matter
how just the cause - is a racial slur and down right insensitive.

Item 3:
Regarding the reported hostilities between the little red fox in the
Woods Outback and newcomer to the woods one Kermit the Frog, I have
spoken to both parties at great length. And while the little red fox
has no great love for frogs in general, still angry over the whole
Michigan J. Frog incident last summer, Kermit is apparently a friend of
hers and will always consider him as such. As for the reported rumours
of hostility between the bunny slayer and one Miss Piggy, those rumours
are regretfully true. Apparently Miss Piggy has been conducting
unauthorized patrols in the Woods Outback and taunting the demonic
cabbage patch, which has lead to a lot of mistrust between the forest
animals and the possessed cabbages.

While there is, at the moment, no peaceable resolution to this matter,
the offer from the Badger, hanging out in the big oak by the path
leading to town, to have a kickboxing tournament to decide the "patrol
rights" of Miss Piggy has been taken under consideration. All proceeds
from the match will go to the Home for Wayward Forest Critters and the
Society of Traumatized Wildlife by the Crock Hunter... both very worth
wild causes.

Item 4:
The second annual skeet-shooting tournament in the field beside the
Woods Outback has been postponed until security can properly secure the
area and screen participates. While the tournament is open to all,
there have been a number of alarming concerns brought to our attention.
The primary concern being the use of a semi-automatic machine gun by one
hopeful, this is a skeet contest not the western front. Also the
hopeful in question is being detained by security until his identity can
be verified through the FBI; the hopeful's resemblance to one Riley Finn
of Sunnydale proper has caused a stir among the other participants.
Mister Finn, and all of his "frat brothers" at Lowell Hall, has been
issued a restraining order barring him from coming within two miles of
the Woods Outback and hunting the vamps and demons that dwell there.
Those particular vamps and demons have never posed a threat to humans
and just want to be left alone to be slayed by the bunny slayer as is
proper.

Security is also concerned about the lack of "skeet" that is has been
made available for the tournament. While "suitable" replace for the
skeet has been secured for the tournament, security is a bit concerned
about the chosen material... cds. Security is mainly concerned about
sun being reflected off of the cds and temporarily blinding a few of the
participants. Due to the closeness of the Woods Outback and the number
of spectators, they are concerned about stray bullets hitting
bystanders. Also there has been some concern for the use of the cds
themselves... several of the makeshift skeet-shots are Donny and Marie;
Yanni; the best of Barney; Milli Vanelli; and other such artists - with
one Windows 2000 disk thrown in. The concern is over a protest filed by
the American Civil Liberties organization, claiming censorship and what
they have described as a "book-burning" mentality - whatever that is
supposed to mean. We have our attack lawyers looking into the matter
and they should file a report later on our options.

Item 5:
Will the roaming band of scooter trash and holy spooks, that are taking
a break from their exorcism of the House of Representatives in
Washington, DC, please quit taunting the Brooklyn Biker Nun's of St.
Bartholomew's? I am aware of the good-natured rivalry between both
"clubs" and their commitment to eradicating evil... however allowing a
rumble to take place in the list gutter is completely out of the
question. If you must have the rumble please move it to the campus of
UCSunnydale outside of Lowell House... there are not innocent bystanders
to get in the way.

That is all, we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfic.

Shadow -
Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper.
Vampire Teddy Bear and Flying Fox {Fruit Bat} of the Woods Outback.
The Big Bad and Little Comma.