End of Month Gutter Report

[Shadow <Shadowlander1@xxxxxxx>]

TO: All Department Heads, UVE, and all other Interested Parties
FROM: The Director of Public Safety
SUBJECT: End of Month Gutter Report and recap of Week-long
Christmas/New Years Block Party

Good evening, I trust most of the hangovers have settled down to dull
roars in our more eager party-goers heads for the time being? If
November's block party is any indication not many of you will be able to
recall your exact whereabouts and actions for most of the festivities.
To recap, everyone found their way to the List Gutter Christmas/New
Years Block Party... including the two listmembers that tried their
damnedest to get misdirected to the East Gutter Catholic School
Dormitory and Convent. Now to get down to business, so some of you can
get back to putting cotton in the vent holes of your hard drives because
the fan is making too much noise.

Item 1:
Femvamp will you please get the naked poet standing on top of the Amazon
Communal Bath House reciting the "Ode to Rudolph" poem for the nine
millionth time. While it was amusing the first dozen or so times,
including that one time while doing the ancient Amazon Sword and Spear
dance that has been banded in Utah and most of the American Bible belt
as "erotic" and "amoral"... the novelty has worn off and the amazons
want to go to sleep.

Item 2:
The rumours about a "jolly old elf" getting thrown out of Willy's after
causing a bar room brawl with two demons for insulting his reindeer
parked on top of the Summers house Christmas Night are false. The noble
spirit of Christmas did not start the fight... a certain dark-haired
Slayer out on parole did in defense of the aforementioned reindeer and
those demons needed to get the crap beat out of them. Although the
other rumour about one of the demons getting trampled by Donner and
Blitzen are very true, but that was only because the drunk and badly
beaten demon had stumbled into their launch path while Saint Nick was
taking off.

Item 3:
Regarding the duel between a certain chipmunk and koala at the New
Year's Eve Bonfire, will both parties cease and desist in demanding a
naked redhead virgin to be thrown at their feet so they can have their
wild and wicked ways with her? First off the redhead both have demanded
is no longer a virgin, much to the general anger and annoyance of the
List Gutter's more rabid Poodle-boy haters. And second, the redhead is
known to have two homicidally inclined Slayers that get just a bit
obsessive about anyone but them seeing that particular redhead naked.

Item 4:
Regarding the sightings of the masked road runner roaming the West
Gutter with a Zorro sword and a can of fix-a-flat... the question we
must ask ourselves is; "Do we REALLY want to know why she is carrying
those particular items in the first place?" Some things are best never
to be known and/or explained and this may very well be one of them.

Item 5:
Regarding the tomatoing of one Douglas Troll near his bridge New Year's
night. I assure you that you were not being targeted in anyway... in
fact you are somewhat of a folk hero to some of the more rabid Riley
haters on the list. You were simply in the wrong place at the wrong
time... and were tomatoed by accident. The kamikaze vampire tomatoes
were attempting to strafe the resident vampire Fruit Bat of the Woods
Outback in an ancient vampire fruit bat/vampire tomato ritual of
welcoming in the new millennium with a clan war. Both sides have issued
formal apologizes for any emotional scarring and permanent staining of
leather jackets you may have been wearing at the time. The respective
vampire elders of both races have offered up a few dozen low ranking
minions for you to eat... we'll even dress them in Riley Finn Lover
T-shirts if you want. Again both sides are regretful that you got drawn
into our little ritual, we had totally forgotten about the bridge being
occupied now or we would have moved it to another location.

Item 6:
Regarding the rumour of vamp-listdad waken up naked in the middle of
downtown Melta just as the New Year's firework display was ending.
While that is regrettably true... the other rumour of a certain vampire
flying fox, koala with shades, a chipmunk carrying a ladder, and a
gopher with a miner's helmet being responsible for vamp-listdad winding
up naked in Melta are not true.

Those particular forest creatures were testing out the fire evacuation
procedures at the local Catholic girl school, and were most definitely
not anywhere near the airport... or seen carrying a drugged vamp-listdad
onto a plane bound for Melta. Nope not those particular forest
creatures... they were in fact talking several girls at the Catholic
Girl's School into doing a cheer leading routine sans clothing and did
not have the time to vamp-nap our demented vampire listdad, no matter
what he claims.

Item 7:
The "Buy Harmony A Clue" Foundation has announced that they are faced
with bankruptcy when is was discovered that the vampire in question in
fact needs more then one clue brought and quite possibly wouldn't know
what to do with the one they did buy for her in the first place.
Alternate solutions to the problem are being looked into to save this
worthy cause and further developments will be posted as soon as we know
them.

That is all... the Block Party was pretty tame for the most part, except
for the exploits of some of our more notorious party-goers but that
particular recap will be have to wait for another time. Mainly until we
can get them bailed out of South American, Holland, and Northern Ireland
jails... they have to be here for the public recap you know. We know
return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics.

Shadow -
Director of Public Safety for the SECoLGA
Vampire Teddy Bear and Flying Fox of the Woods Outback
The Big Bad and Little Comma
Chief Dungeon Keeper

"I do not brood, I reflect."