TITLE: Penance
AUTHOR: Regina
E-MAIL: brainysmurf16@xxxxxxxxxxx
SUMMARY: My own little epic.
RATING: I'll go with R overall.
TIMELINE: AU
SPOILERS: The Gift
DISTRIBUTION: If anyone actually wants
it, I'd be tickled pink to hear about it.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters, If I did I'd be rich right now.
Penance
I?m not one of those old people who pretend they?re still young, but I do hold fast to my memories. Of all the things in my head, my memories will be last to go. I?ll make sure of that. Even now I can?t recite state capitals or presidents like I used to, but ask me about my life I can give you every detail. In technicolor. My memories are all I have. It?s my memories that make living without her easier. But then again, what are memories really if not a double-edged sword. The pain and the pleasure, the agony and ecstasy. I live within my memories now.
Perhaps my fondest is the first time we realized our feelings for each other. That moment, the moment you find your soul mate, is indescribable. It?s a feeling no one but you understand. The most I can say is it?s like jumping from a cliff headfirst with your eyes wide open and loving ever minute of it. That?s what every day with Buffy was like. But that first night, that was special. It was the kind of night you wanted to bottle up and relive whenever you wanted.
It was a week or so after Joyce died, and Buffy was a wreck. Not that she showed it. Not to anyone, even to me. Dawnie was sleeping at Anya and Xander?s and I was staying with Buffy. It was supposed to be a sort of girl?s night but it ended up two people trying to act like everything was fine when the whole world was upside down. We had just sat down to watch TV when Buffy just crumbled. Thelma and Louise was on and I remembered too late all the times we?d watched it with Joyce. The credits hadn?t passed before I felt her start to shake . . . . . . .
?Willow, I don?t know what to do,? she said in an incredibly small voice.
That was most shocking really. It?s a strange thing when you see the strongest person you know weakened so. But then again, that was the problem. No one would let her be weak.
?I can?t do it. I can?t do THIS. I can?t pretend everything?s fine and take care of Dawn and be the Slayer. I can?t live without my mom, I can?t. She was my reason, Wills. I loved her so much, and she?s gone. And I can?t do anything about it. I can?t FIX this,? she sobbed as she pounded a fist into the coffee table, breaking it down the center and spilling the popcorn onto the floor. Looking at the mess, her eyes widened and she moved to get up.
?Buffy, don?t, it?s ok. It?s ok; I?ll get it later, all right??
It was that moment, strange as it may seem, when everything started. Just the gesture of offering to taking care of her, of doing what no one else could do, was what opened the doorway. Something passed between us in that moment, unifying us, making us one. To this day, I can?t explain it. Why after all we?d been through, such a relatively unimportant thing was what brought us together. It was just time I guess, because when I pulled her into my arms, it was no longer friend comforting friend, it was two people who had been empty for much too long finally becoming complete.
We made love for the first time that night, and I felt whole. I felt complete for the first time in my life. When it was over we just clung to each other, each afraid of letting go. Afraid that of loosing what we had finally found after so long. We talked that night, about everything, about our feelings, about what we were going to do. She had loved me since she met me. Sure, just a friendly love at first, but as time went by, it matured, and changed. That shocked me a bit. I had always been in love with Buffy, all the time thinking she?s never see me as more than a friend. Ironic how things happen, isn?t it. All the time we wasted. But we more than made up for it.
After that night we were almost inseparable. It was awkward at first, for us, for everyone. Tara was hurt at first, which was understandable. Both Xander and Giles were shocked, but Xander accepted it much better after he thought about it ?long and hard? and realized the possibilities. Anya just slapped him, congratulated us, and went back to checking the cash register in the Magic Shop. It was hardest on Dawn, but she was happy once she accepted it. She said she loved us both, and couldn?t think of two better people to be together. I loved her for that, for being so accepting, for loving us. That?s why when it was so hard for me to hate her when Buffy sacrificed her self.