End of the Month Gutter Report for May 2001

["Shadow" <Shadowlander1@xxxxxxx>]

TO: All department heads; the United Vegetable Empire; and all other
interested parties.
FROM: The Director of Public Safety
SUBJECT: End of the Month Gutter Report for May 2001

Before I begin, I would like to take this opportunity to explain to the
logic or illogic, depending on your point of view, of the whole Gutter and
Woods Outback Reports. It's very simple really... I got massively bored one
day and posted the first State of the Gutter Report to the buffyloveswillow
and BuffyWantsWillow lists after a lengthy conversation one night with two
of my closest fellow mischief-makers and mayhem spreaders about certain
listsibs, who shall remain nameless at the moment, minds being constantly in
the gutter. Things pretty much went down hill from there. Oddly enough the
first Gutter Report went over rather well... several people jumping on my
boredom induced bandwagon and contributing to the general mischief and
mayhem I keep getting blamed for.

When I joined the MerWolfPack list, I posted like one Gutter Report, because
Bill dared me to, however since most of the reports usually deal with the
Buffy Universe I only posted that one that welcomed the Amazons and Centaurs
into the Woods Outback. Now that I have joined the SlayerPups list I've
decided that the Gutter Reports most definitely need to be shared with my
new listsibs over there. The rules are simple, if you want to join the
mischief and mayhem spreading just post a reply to a report... the main goal
is to have a little fun, nothing is meant to be taken too seriously, we tend
to be vicious Riley Finn bashers over on the blw and bww lists, but that is
only because he touched Buffy and we're all still ticked about it. {Well
that and the whole Initiative thing sucked beyond belief, but that's another
matter.} Also, for those SlayerPups who aren't members of blw or bww lists,
from time to time there will be references to the "mad Brazilian" and/or
vamp-dad... that is our beloved and quiet mad listdad, Rodrigo, over on the
buffyloveswillow and BuffyWantsWillow lists. So with that said and without
further ado, lets get down to business, shall we?

Item 1:
In regards to the 125 tons of Lime Green Jell-O that is currently taking up
most of the space in the Quin's office, while several groups have come
forward to claim it, no one is willing to pay the holding and storing
charges. As a result, regardless who the 125 tons of Lime Green Jell-O
originally belonged to the Jell-O now belongs to the Office of Public Safety
who will oversee its distribution so Quin can get to his desk and play Ice
Wind Dale before he goes into any further gaming withdrawal. The
distribution of the Jell-O will be as follows; a large shipment will be sent
to the Amazon Village to help complete their Jell-O monument to the
earth-bound Goddess Missy "gods I wish I had her talent" Good. Any leftover
Jell-O will be used to for any ancient Amazon rituals that involved
nakedness with the one you love and the liberal use of whip cream.

However the request by several unnamed residence of the Woods Outback to
have a few cases for personal use has been denied. Cooked demonic cabbages
do NOT go well with Lime Green Jell-O. Also the Gutter's Defence Force's
request to use a few dozen crates as weapons against the rabid Riley-4-life
shippers has also been denied. The use of Jell-O, lime green or not, as a
weapon is just wrong and a waste of good Jell-O, you will just have to due
with the garlic filled water balloons.

Item 2:
Hover tanks found on the maintenance ramps are not to be used by
over-excited Citizens or the Gutter or Woods Outback... all heavy military
weapons and/or equipment found anywhere near the maintenance bay or ramps
are there for a reason and should not be messed with. There will be no more
"joyrides", "barrowing" or flat out "stealing" of the Gutter Defence Force
Property... you will be shot at and/or turned over to Epinon to act as her
sparring dummy... she sort of broke her last four.

Item 3:
Regarding unauthorised video taping in the South Gutter hot tub area... need
I remind everyone that that area is off limits to camcorders, camera and
other audio and visual recording devices aside from the security monitors?
Do no make me have the place disinfected with Mister Clean and Pine-Sol...
not when the Algae Boys have such a good reputation as folk heroes in the
Gutter... I would hate to have them injured during any Spring Cleaning in
the South Gutter housekeeping may be forced to do. Since the South Gutter
is used by two very possessive Slayers and one ex-warlord with a temper that
has been described as "explosive" and "vindictive" at times, and since all
three tend to get annoyed when "cuddle" time with their respective other is
interrupted because they have to gut someone who is spying on them... I must
stress the importance of not irritating any of them when they are using the
hot tubs. So please resist temptation and don't bring the camcorder with
you when you visit the hot tubs in the South Gutter. Hint, hint.

Item 4:
The grassroots call to have the Norman Rockwell painting of "Rosie the
Riveter" redone with a more Amazon model, primarily a certain Weapon
Mistress named Eponin, is picking up momentum, as the 23 picketers outside
my office can attest too. Er... exactly why am I getting picketed? I'm all
for a remake of Rosie... and am more then willing to lean Epinon a cutting
touch and/or air hammer to pose with. While I would be more then happy to
try to do the remake... I can't look at the woman without drooling... so the
picketers will just have to find another artist to do the painting.

Item 5:
Buffy awoke with a start, her heart pounding and a cold sweat covering her
body, trying to raise she was stopped by two arms, one on either side of
her, reaching out and pulling her back down. "Shhh... its alright love," a
gentle cooed as one side of the bed shifted, a shadowy figure raising up
beside her, "you're safe now."

"Dawn.... where's Dawn," the disoriented Slayer said looking around
fearfully, her eyes wide and unfocused still in the grip of her nightmare.

"Shhh... it's okay... Dawn is safe," Willow said reaching out to brush aside
a lock of Buffy's hair, "she's in her room." She got out before the Slayer
was scrabbling off the bed and out the door yelling for her sister.

Angel jumped as the bedroom door flew open the axe on his lap nearly hitting
the floor as the disoriented Slayer came barrelling into her little sister's
room. Grabbing the axe before it hit the floor the vampire stood ready for
trouble realizing moments later that is was only Buffy apparently suffering
from another nightmare. Behind him Dawn was stirring in her bed, having
grown used to her vampire bodyguards that would sit with her while they
tried to get Buffy to rest. Every night and sometimes during the day the
Slayer would have terrible nightmares while her body fought off the poison
that coursed through her system, sometimes dreaming that they mother had
died, others that it was Dawn that had been killed. The strain was showing
on everyone, Buffy the most who would always wake in a panic demanding to
see her loved ones. As it was the feverish slayer barely let either of them
out of her site, Angel, Spike and all the others swearing that they would be
carefully guarded by armed guards if necessary if that is what it would take
to get her to sleep, hence the reason Angel was in Dawn's room with his
axe... it was his watch.

Joyce came sliding into the room moments later, a silk robe thrown over
herself as she rumbled with the tie, her worried eyes on her children as
Buffy climbed into bed with Dawn, pulling her sister close and silently
crying. "I almost lost you," Buffy whispered into Dawn's hair settling down
on the bed not really seeing the others, the nightmare images still playing
themselves out in her mind.

Lowering his axe, Angel and Joyce watch as Buffy curled herself around her
sister determined to keep whatever horror she witnessed in her nightmare
away from Dawn. "This has got to stop... when is Giles getting back with
that antidote?" Joyce asked as Willow and Tara filed into the room looking a
bit sheepish, they had hoped that by sleeping with Buffy they could keep her
calm.

"He caught the redeye out of Kyoto a few hours ago," Angel said watching
Buffy fall into a fitful sleep with her arms around her sister. "Once Buffy
is out of danger we'll begin the search for that little bastard that did
this to her." He promised Joyce once more.


We know return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics.


Shadow --
Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy
Bear and Flying Fox {Fruit Bat} of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and
Little Comma. Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of
Quindolyn. Founding Member of the Get Willow and Buffy Naked Society.
{GWBN -- Hey, its a way of life.} Dark Mistress of Weirdness. Yang to
Alex's Yin. Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member of the Order of the
Silver Claw of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. :[

AIM Screen Name: ShadowDrake
Yahoo Name: drakesshadow
MSN Messenger: Tankesly@xxxxxxxxxxx {Shadow}