Re: Re: FIC: Thunderstorms

["Quindo Ma" <quindo.ma@xxxxxxxxx>]

----- Original Message -----
From: angel ruiz

> Quin,
> I agree with you the story was fast, for the most part because I wrote it VERY late at night.

Heh, take your time, then the stories you write can flourish, and you will be able to get past most
of the problems that can occur in a story.

>> The last bit seems a little strange, why would she not feel safe in Buffy's arms?

> She was just upset/surprised, but she feel asleep in her arms. Which I thought cinveyed that she
> did feel safe with Buffy.

I see what you mean (upset? ok, that I don't get), but still, the phrasing "Despite what she had
just <her head>(heard), she still felt safe in Buffy's arms and was asleep in seconds." doesn't
suggest that she's merely surprised. And still, it doesn't explain why she takes the "I love you"
from Buffy as the words of a lover, unless she wants them to be that way, but in that case, I'm
pretty sure she would have reacted different from the get go

>> The comforting of Buffy through Joyce seemed a little distant, not as
>> personal as you would have expected it between mother and daughter.
>> Maybe have Joyce 'rush to her daughter', instead of 'go to the
>> blonde', this could clearly show a mothers concern, and close the gap
>> of distance (Joyce went to the blonde just sounds more like she would be comforting a friend,
>> rather than her own daughter).
> Your right I did write it like Joyce was comforting a friend. I have never really felt like joyce
> has been there for Buffy, but I >couldn't not have her check on her daughter who just got home
> form the hospital.

Ever since they moved to Sunnydale, Joyce has tried her best to be the mother she was supposed to
be, in the beginning refusing the see why Buffy was such a troublemaker (slayer), and you might have
that impression because in not just few fics, Joyce hasn't been in the fic, or the only mentioning
of her, was as being at another gallery or something, but I can't see her not being overly concerned
over Buffy, she always is, was, and will be (yes, I'm in denial, she's not dead, no no, she isn't!)

> I've always sucked at grammar, it is an ongoing battle with me! Thank you SO much for all the
> helpful criticism. And next time I promise to put in a warning about the angst.

Maybe look out for a beta reader, (s)he might be able to help you in that matter (grammar)

Quin

================================
Proud Keeper of:
Willow's unconditional love for Buffy (The Body)
Willow's liking of tummy rubs (The Body)
================================