Fic: It's Grimy Up North

[buffythebushkangaroo@xxxxxxxxxxx]

Spik's working hard on part 10, so I thought I'd make her mad by 
doing a parody!

Anne-Lise

--

On a cold winter's morning, on a high rooftop in the middle of 
nowhere...
"I don't think we should be up here alone, Joe."
"Wow. I was just thinking... we should so not be up here alone."
"I've heard a rumour, if no-one else will help, and if we can find 
her..."
A howl rang out in the darkness followed shortly after by a 
gurgling scream.

*

"Busy night?" Giles asked as the scoobs trudged into his seemingly 
unlocked house.
"Not really. Two vamps and a big ugly green thing," explained Buffy.
"Definitely ugly," agreed Willow as she and Xander slumped onto the 
couch. Anya followed them in, sporting a new green hairdo.
"I am *not* ugly!" she pouted. "I have a very cute posterior. Xander 
says so."
"Yeah, whatever." Xander said supportively. "Its usually dark," he 
explained to Willow's raised eyebrow.
Anya nodded. "And sometimes he misses."
Xander sputtered. "Its usually very dark," he explained, again.
As Buffy was wandering over to the couch to join the others she 
noticed an envelope addressed to her at Giles' address. 
"Oo, is this my subscription to What Bondage? magazine I asked you 
to surreptitiously order?" she asked.
"I'm not sure. It arrived this morning from England," Giles replied 
pretending not to care.
"England? The Watchers Council?" Buffy stared at the envelope.
Willow sighed dreamily. "Land of tea and scones, pinstripes and 
rain, tea cozies and..."
"Wait a sec, how do you know it's from England unless you already 
opened it?" Sherlock Harris enquired.
"He looked at the postage?" Willow stage-whispered.
"Oh yeah." Xander grinned his sheepish grin.
Giles just nodded, not about to admit he'd already steamed open and 
re-sealed the envelope. He hadn't thought of the postage defence.
"Anyway, the Council don't write anything as mundane as a letter. 
They just send assassination squads to kill us," replied Buffy. She 
opened the letter and quickly read it to herself. "Oh! This is really 
weird."
"You got your What Bondage? subscription? Can I borrow it when 
you're done?" Willow asked.
Buffy read out her letter to the other scoobs. Giles pretended this 
was all new.
"Dear Miss Summers," Buffy read, "I don't know how to start this 
letter. Its like the word banananana, I never know when to stop 
either. I don't know if you'll ever receive this letter either, 
because I hear you get killed a lot. I don't know if you're still 
alive or if you ever were. I've heard so many rumours about you that 
my brain is still fighting the question how can you be the slayer 
when I am. But hell, we can sort that one out later. I've heard about 
you averting a number of apocalypses and I've also heard a lot about 
your friend's wicca skills - Willow Rosenberg - that's what one demon 
said her name was. It seems that most night-time creatures are 
frightened of you and your friends."
Buffy looked up and caught Willow's smug grin. Xander was in ego-
masturbation heaven.
"Let me cut to the chase... We have a problem here, and we really 
need your help. Someone or something appears to be massing an army of 
rather nasty evil things, although this *is* Manchester and most of 
them are probably selling the Big Issue. The vampire population seems 
to be growing exponentially, and vamp attacks have trebled in the 
last month. There're far to many ugly demonic things walking the 
streets at night."
Willow interrupted by blowing her nose noisily. Buffy gave her a 
glare.
"We're not sure how much longer we can hold out, and I fear that if 
this things don't change soon there may be no city left for me to 
protect. If you feel you can help in some way, I've arranged for two 
tickets for you to fly here. I was hoping that Miss Rosenberg could 
come as well as I heard she's a bit of a babe. Just call the number 
at the top and my brother will sort out the arrangements. I hope you 
can come and help us. I hope you exist!"
Buffy frowned. "Its signed Torr, and there's a PS... I know I've a 
strange name... Blame my parents. PPS... Can you bring some Jolt 
cola? We can't get it here."
"Yet another slayer," Giles mused. "Maybe Faith kicked the bucket."
Willow put on her resolve face. "Oo, I hope so."
"Willow's famous!" Xander pointed out. "Yay for you, Willster."
"Which city is it?" Anya asked. "And do they have large shops?"
"The address says Manchester" said Buffy handing the letter to Giles.
"Oh dear!" he replied with a look of horror.
"What's the place like Giles?" asked Buffy worried by the look on 
Giles' face.
"Cold, wet, grim, always raining, not much direct sunshine. Perfect 
vampire breeding ground!"
"Manchester sounds awful!"
"No!" Giles sputtered. "I was talking about England. Manchester is a 
grotty carbuncle on the backside of England, a festering pustule on 
the face of my beloved grassy sod."
Willow ran into the bathroom and came out with Giles' pills. "Here 
you go!"
"Cheers," Giles acknowledged.
"Hey, Willow..." Buffy waited for Willow to look over. "Fancy 
spending some time in England with me?"
Willow nodded enthusiastically. "Can we visit Oxford?"
"O...kay."
"How come I never get to go anywhere else?" Xander whinged.
"Because we need you to stay here and patrol... nighthawk." Buffy 
replied. "Hopefully we won't be gone too long."
"We'll do our best." remarked Anya
"All of us." Tara added, getting in a few words. 
"Together," Xander agreed putting an arm around Anya's shoulder and 
his hand on Tara's bum. Then he realised he'd got it the wrong way 
round and changed hands quickly.
"I'm so glad you agreed to help." Willow said turning to face 
Tara, "I'm glad we're still friends."
"It's OK." she replied, avoiding Willow's gaze as she turned to 
punch Xander on general feminist principles. She still loved Willow, 
she always would, but she knew that Willow loved someone else more 
than her. but then, she too had growing feelings for Anya...

*

'Flight BA286 to Manchester England now available for boarding at 
gate number 30. Please make your way along our impossible narrow 
corridors and ask for directions at any of our closed check-in desks.'
"I believe that's your flight," Giles stated.
"Giles is right," Willow replied. "Let's go."
"Be careful!" Giles shouted after the incorrigible pair as they 
slalomed around the corridors on their luggage carts.
"We will!" Buffy yelled back as she overtook Willow on a tight bend 
through the departure lounge. "Byeeee!"
"They'll be alright, won't they?" asked Xander.
"We can only hope." Giles replied.


*


"Graham. Have you had any reports of the slayer recently?"
"Not within the last week, but she could be planning something. I've 
heard a rumour of a second slayer heading this way."
"Then find her and kill her! And if there's two of the little 
buggers - kill 'em both! Use whatever means you like! I don't want 
anything to stand in our way."
"I'll put my best people on it," Graham agreed. "I mean, how hard 
can killing 8two* slayers be?"


*

'Ladies and gentlemen; As we shall shortly be landing we ask you to 
put your tray table up, and your seat is in the full upright 
position. Thank you.'
The announcement woke Buffy from her snooze. the in-flight movie 
had sucked, and she hadn't wanted to move as Willow's head had fallen 
on her shoulder. Although now it seemed Willow had also found a warm 
resting place for her hand too... She gave the little redhead a nudge.
"Wha? Lea' 'lone" Willow purred, then came to. "Sorry about that." 
Willow said while sitting up.
"What? Falling asleep on my shoulder, what else are friends for." 
Buffy replied, ingenuously not mentioning Willow's hand as she 
extricated it from her panties.
"Where are we?" Willow asked as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes.
'Second base...' "We're almost there I think." Buffy glanced out of 
the window. All she could see was grey, lots and lots of grey. "Yep, 
it's exactly like Giles described it."


*

End Part 1.