Fic: Another Chance Series: Confused (1/1)

[inell@xxxxxxx]

Title: Confused
Author: Inell
Email: Inell@xxxxxxx
Disclaimer: Joss owns them all
Distribution: My site, Kiss or Kill, 
http://members.fortunecity.com/kissorkill Anyone that has permission, take. 
Otherwise, just ask
Rating: R
Pairing: Willow/Faith and Willow/Buffy
Summary: Second chances
Follows Mine in the Another Chance series


CONFUSED (1/1)


Willow watched the girl below laugh with her friends as the group of students 
passed under her window. She sighed, pulling her arms around her body as she 
leaned her head against the cool glass. She had been sitting at the window 
for hours, ever since she had woken up to an empty bed. She knew she should 
leave the room, probably running away would be of the good in fact. It was 
obvious that Buffy was confused about their night together, but Willow didn't 
know how the blonde could be as confused as she herself was. After all, Buffy 
had been the one that had instigated the kiss and everything that had 
followed. Yet, Willow could understand that things had gotten carried away. 
She had not planned on having sex with Buffy, even if that thought might have 
entered her mind on a rare occasion. It was always just that random thought, 
the wondering what Buffy would feel like in her arms. Willow had those 
thoughts about people all the time, in the back of her mind. She'd never 
really put much into it, knowing that Buffy would never return those brief 
thoughts so there was no reason to even dwell on the fantasy.

But, last night, Buffy had changed all of that with one soft brush of her 
lips. Suddenly, fantasy had become reality. Willow would not have stopped it 
even if she had wanted to. She didn't know why Buffy had decided to take 
their friendship to that next step, and she now had to wonder if it had all 
been a mistake. No, she couldn't accept that. Not after their love making. 
She wasn't by any means promiscuous, but she wasn't a virgin either. She knew 
that last night had been about emotion, not just sex. The soft caresses, the 
gentle kisses, the tender words. Willow could still hear the sleepy whispered 
words of I love you spilling from Buffy's lips as they had snuggled after 
their third time together. There was no way that Buffy could have been lying. 
There was such truth in her eyes, in her words. That was what was keeping 
Willow the most confused. If Buffy did love her, why did she wake up alone?

Willow knew it might have been because she did not repeat the words. She had 
kissed Buffy after hearing the slayer tell her that she loved her, but she 
couldn't say something she didn't know was true. She cared about Buffy, loved 
her dearly as best friends should. She honestly couldn't imagine her life 
without the blonde, and knew that she, in fact, owed her life to the slayer. 
She could have said she loved Buffy with truth in her voice, but she knew it 
wasn't the type of love that Buffy was talking about. She knew she could love 
Buffy like that. There were small seeds that had been planted for so many 
years, the depth of their friendship and the slight feelings of attraction 
that had heated up the night before, but she had never given them room to 
grow. Now, though, she couldn't help feeling scared. What if she realized she 
was in love with Buffy and Buffy had decided that she was no longer in love 
with her?

She was caught in those thoughts when she heard the soft squeak of the door. 
Startled, she turned to see Buffy walking slowly into the room, looking 
exhausted. She frowned when she noticed a small cut on her lover's face. 
Concerned, she asked softly, "Are you OK?"

Buffy looked up at Willow, seeing the tiny redhead sitting by the window. She 
was wearing baggy sweats and an old T-shirt that she had stolen from Xander, 
her red hair mussed from sleep. Buffy had to smile, feeling the usual calm 
spread over her that Willow always brought. There was something about the 
girl that grounded her, brought her back to reality no matter how unreal life 
seemed. In a way, the redhead was her anchor to humanity. For that, she was 
thankful. She nodded, covering a yawn as she moved to her bed. Laying down, 
she sighed in contentment, "Ah, this feels good. After the last twenty-four 
hours, I just want to lay here and not move."

Willow looked away, not able to keep the look of hurt off of her face. She 
got to her feet, moving towards her bed. "I didn't realize it was that awful."

Buffy frowned, moving her arm and laying her head in her hand as she looked 
at Willow. Her best friend had moved away from the window and was now sitting 
cross legged on her bed, her green eyes staring at the wall as she avoided 
looking at Buffy. The slayer could hear the obvious hurt in her friend's 
voice, having known Willow long enough to recognize every mood and emotion 
that the girl felt. Buffy looked at the floor, thinking back over the past 
day and a half. She had been in Faith's body, living Faith's life. She had 
almost been killed several times, hunted by the council, completely lacking 
in friendship or love. She had hated it all, finally realizing just how lucky 
she truly was for having her friends and family. Faith was alone, completely 
on her own. In a strange way, Buffy could admit to herself that she had been 
allowed a glimpse into the girl's existence, understanding in a way why Faith 
had ended up becoming what she had. She honestly couldn't say that in the 
same circumstances she too wouldn't have turned her back on her calling. 
Without Willow and Xander and Giles, well, there were many times she had 
considered just giving up and forgetting it all but they had always made her 
realize how much she was needed. She guessed that Faith had never had that in 
her life, so Buffy could see where things went wrong.

She could understand, but she could not forgive. Faith had made the decision, 
choosing her path back a year ago. It had been the wrong one, but the girl 
had made it without coercement. There was a difference in understanding how 
things went wrong and accepting the choices made. No, she had been surprised 
to see Faith at the church earlier, knowing what it had taken for the girl to 
accept her calling, but she still felt the same animosity for the brunette. 
There was too much past between them now, between them all, for her to merely 
shrug it all off because Faith had decided now to be good and help. For all 
she knew, this was just another act. Another game to ensure a few more months 
on a rather short life span. No, she didn't trust Faith as far as she could 
throw her, which had turned out to be several feet. Yet, she was glad that 
her former friend had managed to escape the Council. It was just too 
confusing to deal with at the moment, she decided as she brought herself out 
of her thoughts to look back at Willow. She thought back, remembering what 
they had been talking about. Oh, yeah, last night.

"Well, I guess it wasn't that bad," Buffy said softly, thinking about it. 
"Just weird, you know? It felt...weird. Definitely not something I'd want to 
do again, but it could have been worse. And Faith is gone, so that's an added 
bonus. I really hope she doesn't come back either. I don't think I could 
handle the excitement."

"I," Willow started, unable to continue. She had no idea how to respond to 
her lover's words. Weird? Not something she wanted to do again? Willow 
reached up and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, wondering how Buffy 
could use those words to describe something that was so special. "I'm sorry 
you felt it was a mistake."

"Are you all right?" Buffy asked, watching Willow wipe her eyes. She sat up, 
her eyes on Willow's profile. "It was a mistake, Willow. I really doubt it 
was meant to be."

"That's just mean," Willow finally said, glancing at Buffy before looking at 
the bedspread in front of her. "I can't believe you're being so nonchalant 
and cruel about it."

"Mean?" Buffy repeated, confusion marring her pretty face. "Willow, look at 
me. I'm really confused right now and I have no idea what you're talking 
about."

Willow looked at Buffy, seeing the general confusion on the features she had 
kissed just hours before. She stared into the familiar hazel eyes and said, 
"I knew this morning, you know. I just hoped that maybe I was wrong. That it 
might have meant something. I guess I was just stupid."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Buffy asked, irritation in her voice. 
She was tired and confused and just wanted some sleep in her own body. She 
watched as Willow's eyes flashed with hurt and the redhead looked back at the 
blanket. The girl's shoulders straightened and Buffy could visibly see her 
gathering her strength. "Willow? Talk to me. Please?"

"Why?" Willow finally asked. "Why did you start it if you didn't want it to 
happen? Why are you trying to act now as if it never did happen? I thought it 
was special, that it meant something. It felt like it meant something. Was I 
just stupid? Goddess, I wish I'd just said no. Were you drunk or something? I 
just can't get it, and I really want to understand why you're doing this now 
of all times."

"Special?" Buffy repeated, her face puzzled. Suddenly, her eyes widened as 
she replayed their conversation. "Oh my God...." she finally whispered, her 
face falling as she understood.

"I should leave," Willow said, not able to sit there and deal with everything 
anymore.

"No, wait," Buffy said, her face still stunned as she glanced at the bed and 
the floor, noticing the pile of blankets and pillows still laying spread out. 
"Oh God...not that. Anything but that."

"I can't do this right now, Buffy," Willow said, "you're my best friend. I 
don't want to lose that because of last night, but I thought it meant 
something."

"Willow, honey, it wasn't me," Buffy managed to say in a soft voice. She 
looked at the redhead and saw Willow's eyes narrow as she looked at her. Why 
did Faith do it? Why Willow? She could have dealt with anything but Willow. 
Even Riley wouldn't have hurt so much. Anyone but Willow.

"What?" Willow finally said.

"It was Faith. She did this body switch thing," Buffy explained, not able to 
meet Willow's eyes. She couldn't believe that her body had spent the night 
having sex with Willow and she didn't even have the memories. She felt 
violated in the worst way. Faith had used her to hurt her best friend. "We 
switched back this afternoon, at a church. I didn't know...Will, look at me."

"Faith?" Willow whispered, looking into Buffy's teary eyes. "It was her? She 
said those things? Did those things? It wasn't you?"

"It wasn't me," Buffy said quietly, wondering why she felt as if it should 
have been. Startled, she frowned, pushing that thought away. Willow was her 
best friend. That's why she felt responsible for her. There was nothing else 
there. She loved Riley. She did. He was a nice guy and he seemed to love her. 
She had to love him. Then why did she want to go to Willow and hold the girl 
until she stopped crying? Why did she suddenly find herself hypnotized by the 
sight of Willow's lips as the girl struggled to speak? Buffy sighed, deciding 
that she would sleep for several days. She was so exhausted she couldn't even 
think straight.

"I need some air," Willow said, getting to her feet as her mind tried to 
understand everything. Faith loved her? Or was it just some joke? Some way to 
get back at Buffy? Screw her best friend and leave her to deal with it? But, 
remembering the nice, softly spoken conversations they had had during the 
night, Willow couldn't believe it had been a joke. There had been real caring 
in her eyes, in Buffy's eyes. She groaned, rubbing her temples. She was 
getting a terrible headache.

"Willow, we need to talk," Buffy said.

"No, we don't," Willow said quietly but forcefully. She looked at the blonde 
slayer and tried to smile, "It wasn't you, remember? I'll deal with it. You 
don't um remember anything, do you?"

"No," Buffy said softly. "I spent the night in Faith's body while she was in 
mine. She has the memories."

"Oh, OK. Get some sleep, 'k?" Willow said, "You look tired and your body 
didn't get much sleep last night." Realizing what she had said, she blushed, 
"I mean, well, um, I gotta go."

Buffy watched Willow leave, closing the door behind her. She sighed, laying 
back on her bed and pulling her knees up to her chest. As her arms went 
around them, forming a protective shell around her heart, she closed her 
eyes. A tear drifted down her cheek as she began to cry silently, knowing 
that nothing would ever be the same between her and her best friend. She had 
seen the look in Willow's eyes, knew that things had happened that neither 
could take back. She could only hope that they could pull through this the 
same they pulled through everything. Together.


End.