Fic: Two Sides of a Coin (1/1)

[inell@xxxxxxx]

Title: Two Sides of a Coin
Author: Inell
Email: Inell@xxxxxxx
Disclaimer: Joss owns them all
Distribution: My site, Kiss or Kill, 
http://members.fortunecity.com/kissorkill Anyone that has permission, take. 
Otherwise, just ask.
Rating: R
Pairing: Willow/Buffy
Spoilers for All the Way and Season 6 in general
A rambling mess that makes absoultely no sense. Really, it doesn't. <shrug> 
Read at your own risk


TWO SIDES OF A COIN (1/1)


Buffy glanced at the clock again, cursing softly as she realized that she had 
been laying in bed for nearly two hours and was still no closer to sleep. She 
got up, frowning as she kicked her covers to the floor. She left her room, 
being as quiet as she could. She didn't want to disturb anyone, not really 
for fear of waking them but for knowledge that they'd probably want to talk. 
She wasn't really in the mood to talk to any of them. She crept downstairs, 
going to the kitchen to get a soda. She left the light off, knowing her way 
around finally. It had taken her a couple of days to learn her way around in 
the dark in the newly decorated house. Tables had been moved, furniture 
added. It had all been rather confusing at first. Now, she was getting used 
to it. She felt a small smile as she heard snoring coming from the living 
room. She was so glad that Giles was there.


She opened the back door, stepping onto the porch as she breathed in the cool 
night air. She turned her head sharply when she heard something, releasing 
her breath when she saw that it was Willow. She looked away, giving an 
awkward smile as she said, "You scared me, Willow."


Willow didn't look at Buffy, keeping her eyes on the full moon overhead as 
she said softly, "Sorry."


"Couldn't sleep?" Buffy asked as she moved to take the seat beside the 
redhead. She put her feet on the porch railing, slumping in the chair as she 
covered a yawn.


Willow finally looked at Buffy, studying the slayer, "What happened?"


"Huh?" Buffy looked at her friend with a confused look in her eyes.


"You, me, us," Willow gestured with her hand. "Since you came back, you're 
avoiding me like the plague. You rarely talk to me unless you're forced into 
it, you never look at me, you don't seem to want to be around me." The 
redhead trailed off as she whispered, "It's almost like you hate me."



"I," Buffy stopped, not sure what to say. She looked away, wishing that she 
had just stayed upstairs. At least being restless in her bed would have 
avoided this conversation. "I could never hate you, Willow."


"Doesn't seem that way," Willow said softly, moving her feet to rest on the 
edge of her chair, her chin resting on her knees. "It's because I brought you 
back, isn't it?"


"You're being silly," Buffy said, not answering the question. 


"I thought you were in Hell, Buffy. For months I had the worst nightmares, 
imagining the pain and suffering you were experiencing," Willow said quietly, 
her eyes again on the moon. "I could feel it, you know? I couldn't let you 
stay there. You're my best friend, and I love you so much. I know it was 
wrong to play with the magic that I did. I know that I should have left you 
dead, that I should have just gone on with my life and forgotten you, but I 
couldn't. I know I was wrong for pushing the others into helping, for making 
them help me," Willow sighed as she continued, "but I won't apologize for 
doing the spell. I know that you're not glad to be here. You've been my best 
friend for over five years. I know when you're lying to me. You hate me 
because I brought you back. And I'm just selfish enough to not care if you 
hate me because I've got you back. You hating me won't change the fact that 
you're alive again."


"I don't hate you," Buffy said, feeling guilty for allowing her friends to 
believe that she had indeed been in a hellish place. "It's so tough, Willow. 
I've been gone for three months. Life moved on without me. Coming back, it's 
been so hard."


"You blame me, then," Willow said, looking at her friend. "Buffy, you can't 
lie to me. This is the first time we've really spoken in the weeks since 
you've been back. When I enter the room, you always look the other way. Hell, 
Spike has seen you more than I have! You're my best friend, damn it, and I 
miss you."


"Spike understands," Buffy defended softly, frowning as she looked at Willow. 
"With him, I can be myself. You wouldn't understand."


"Spike listens because he wants to fuck you," Willow said angrily. "He can 
sit there and give you a nice pat on the shoulder and agree with whatever 
you're saying with the hope that you'll finally feel something for him. He's 
angry at us because we didn't include him and he's probably praying that 
you'll push all of us away so that he can have you for himself. Chip or no 
chip, he's still a vampire, still a demon, still a conniving bastard that 
wants you. And before you start defending your bleached blonde knight, I'll 
say that he's been good with Dawn, he's become a person that I'm glad is on 
our side, and I like to think he was becoming a friend. But for you to sit 
there and say that he understands you? That's a fucking joke. You're deluding 
yourself if you think he can even begin to understand you."


"That's rather harsh, Will," Buffy said quietly, stinging from Willow's 
words. 


"It's the truth," Willow said, running a hand through her hair. "I'm sorry, 
Buffy. I didn't mean to lash out at you or Spike or whatever fucked up 
relationship the two of you have at the moment. I just miss you and, right 
now, he seems to be the thing taking you away from me."


"I'm trying," Buffy said softly, "it's so tough, but I'm doing my best. I 
can't lie to you, Willow. Where I was? Where you brought me back from? It 
wasn't all that bad. Coming back here, living again, it's been worse than I 
ever imagined. With every day, though, it gets a little better. And I think 
of everything I missed in the last few months and it hurts a little, to have 
not been here, to have not been included. And then I think about everything 
that I might have missed in your lives and it feels so good to be here. I'm 
here because of you, Willow. I don't blame you for bringing me back. A part 
of me honestly hates you for making me live again, but the other part of me 
loves you more than you could ever know."


"Two sides of a coin," Willow whispered, trying not to feel hurt by Buffy's 
words. "Love and hate. I'm sorry if I hurt you, Buffy. I never wanted to hurt 
you."


"You know, this was nice," Buffy gave Willow a real smile for the first time 
since being back. She nudged the redhead's leg with her soda can, trying to 
get Willow to smile. It didn't work. "Willow, I missed you too. I missed 
having my best friend. I know it was my fault, our not talking, and I'm 
sorry. Being with Spike is easy. I don't care what he thinks about me. He's 
become a friend over the past few weeks, but, contrary to what you may think, 
he isn't going to be more than that. I know that he loves me, or thinks he 
does. But, I've done that before, the whole slayer/vampire thing. I loved 
Angel with all of my heart and it didn't work. I've just now become sort of 
friends with Spike. I don't love him. I will never love him the way he wants. 
I know it isn't fair for me to go to him, knowing how he feels about me, but 
it was nice being alone in a way, having someone listen without judging, 
having someone that can understand in a way what I'm dealing with."


"I could understand," Willow whispered, looking at her friend. 


"I know, and that scares me in a way," Buffy confessed, looking at the full 
moon overhead. She glanced back at Willow before finally asking, "Tonight, 
you and Tara? Did you have a fight?"


Willow sighed, guilt crossing her face, "Yeah, we did. Oh Buffy, I did 
something horrible. I couldn't sleep, knowing that it was so wrong."


"What did you do?" Buffy looked at Willow, realizing that she had been 
telling the truth earlier. She had missed her best friend. Had missed their 
talks and their time together. 


"She's on me about my magic," Willow said quietly, "keeps saying that I'm 
getting too involved, that I'm using it too often. She and Giles were talking 
about me. They think I'm getting addicted or something, like it's alcohol. I 
know that they're worried, I know I should be glad that they love me, but it 
really just makes me so mad. I've never done anything bad with my magic. Even 
tonight, I was using it to try to find Dawn. And Tara got all pissy, 
repeating the same old argument. How dangerous it was, how I'm getting in too 
deep, how I could make a mistake and hurt someone."


"She's right, you know?" Buffy reminded softly, trying to be nonjudgmental in 
fear of losing the little bit of friendship she and Willow had reclaimed that 
night.


"I know," Willow said, shaking her head. "That's why I'm angry! They act like 
I'm some silly child playing with things I don't understand. I'm smart, 
Buffy. I've spent years studying magic, learning the good and the bad. I know 
that every time I do a spell, something could go wrong. For my lover and my 
mentor to act like I don't have any knowledge of my craft, it hurts. That 
they have such little faith in my abilities and in me, it bothers me. 
Tonight, the spell I was going to do, it would have been the easy out. I know 
that there was a risk, but it was worth the risk to find Dawn. It just gets 
so tiring, lately. I have the knowledge and the natural power, but I use it 
for good. Every decision everyone makes has the possible outcome of good or 
bad. How is my practicing magic any different from anything else? I'm not 
trying to take over the world or to control people or anything bad like that. 
It's just gotten to the point where I almost wished I'd never learned 
anything rather than having to constantly defend my choices and my judgement 
calls."


"Willow, there are fine lines between good and bad," Buffy said after several 
moments of thoughtful silence. She had been unaware that her friend was 
dealing with these doubts and problems. She'd heard Giles arguing with Willow 
a few weeks before, but had decided that she must have misunderstood. "As for 
never learning magic? I'm so glad that you did. If you hadn't, think about 
it. Who gave Angel his soul back? Who saved all of us countless times with 
that nifty flying twig spell? Who helped me save Dawn from Glory? Who was 
able to reverse Glory's mind sucking and give Tara her mind back?" She chewed 
on her bottom lip as she whispered, "Who brought me back to life?"


Willow looked at Buffy and smiled sadly as she said, "Tonight, I made Tara 
forget," she sighed, "I put my lover under a spell that alters her mind just 
to make her forget we had an argument. I've never performed a spell on 
someone I love, Buffy. Not one like that. It was a bad choice that I made 
without even hesitating. I'm so scared that maybe they're right, that I am 
getting addicted to the power and the easiness and it frightens me to realize 
that I let myself get to that point."


"Ah, honey," Buffy leaned over and put her arm around Willow's neck, hugging 
the redhead. It was the first time she'd hugged Willow since she had been 
back, except for the group hugs that had happened several times. She felt a 
sense of calm overtake her as she touched her friend, her free hand moving to 
push Willow's hair from her pretty face. "You aren't addicted to magic 
anymore than I'm addicted to slaying. It's just who we are, Willow. I'm the 
slayer and you're my powerful witch. That spell? Well, it was wrong. But you 
know that and you now regret doing it. You reacted without thinking. Nothing 
can change it. Maybe next time you'll take time to think first. As for Tara 
and Giles? They are scared, I think. You have so much power that it frightens 
them. They worry that you might abuse it or that you might grow dependent on 
your magic. But, I know you, Willow. Far better than either of them. And I'm 
not scared. It's just not in you. You've always been the other half of my 
soul. Darkness lurks in every one of us. You and I? We made our choice years 
ago to follow the light. You're my light. Nothing is going to ever change 
that."


"You're not scared?" Willow whispered, seeing signs of her best friend, the 
real Buffy, for the first time since before the slayer had died.


"Not of you turning psycho and wanting to destroy the world," Buffy said with 
a smile. Her eyes flashed as she confessed, "But there are so many things 
that I am scared of. Living is so tough, it's scary and hard and takes so 
much out of me, but the rewards of living, loving, being alive, they're so 
great that it makes it all worth it."


"Thank you for not hating me," Willow said quietly, feeling for the first in 
weeks that she finally had someone on her side.


"I could never hate you," Buffy repeated as she moved her fingers along 
Willow's cheek. "I love you too much."


"This was nice, talking," Willow said with a suddenly shy smile. "I missed it 
a lot. We should never stop talking, Buffy. It hurts not having you in my 
life."


"It was nice," Buffy admitted, "I should have tried it weeks ago, but I guess 
I wasn't ready. I'm sorry for being such a selfish, whiny bitch the last few 
weeks. Oh, and let me not forget ungrateful. I have no excuse really."


"Yes, you do," Willow said, "you came back from the dead. That excuses you 
for the whiny and ungrateful part."


"So I'm still a selfish bitch, is that it?" Buffy said, cracking a small 
smile. 


"The jury is still out on that one," Willow said with her own small smile. 


"Oh, Willow, I have missed you," Buffy said as she leaned forward and brushed 
her lips across a surprised Willow's mouth. Pulling back, Buffy's eyes 
widened at her actions. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I did that."


"It's okay," Willow said softly, her fingers moving to her lips. She looked 
at Buffy, studying the blonde. "Buffy, it's okay."


"I can't believe I just kissed you. I've practically ignored you for weeks 
and here I am trying to kiss you after we've just finally started talking 
again," Buffy began to babble, running a hand through her hair. "Willow, 
please forget that. I didn't mean to kiss you."


"Buffy," Willow looked at the babbling blonde, amusement entering her green 
eyes as the slayer gave a rather good imitation of her during one of her 
better rambles.


"I can't go back to not being friends again, Willow, so please just ignore 
that stupid kiss," Buffy begged, having felt better the last hour than she 
had since returning. Forgiving Willow had lifted a weight from her heart, 
realizing that she was actually glad to be alive had lifted a weight from her 
shoulders. Now she was going to lose that tentative friendship that they had 
started again. 


"It wasn't stupid," Willow said softly as she caught Buffy's face. "It was 
very nice. Surprising but nice."


"You're just saying that to be nice," Buffy said, giving a rather sheepish 
smile. Before she could continue her sentence, Willow leaned forward and 
kissed her. A real kiss with tongues and teeth and lips. When Willow finally 
pulled back, Buffy ran a shaky hand through her hair as she smiled slightly, 
whispering, "I think we just complicated things."


"Actually, I think we just uncomplicated most of them," Willow said with a 
small smile as she moved to rest her head against Buffy's shoulder, her eyes 
watching the moon.


****THE END*******