Re: [Fic: Guardians of the Vail Part 1]

[Mad Hamlet <Mad-Hamlet@xxxxxxx>]

Greetings,


*Dawn walked hand in hand with Kevin she looked over her shoulder at 
*her best friend walking with her boyfriend Rob, "Now remember let me 
*do all the talking?" 


You know you're in trouble when the title is mispelled and there's a pretty
alkward grammatical error in the first sentence. Namely: The Question Mark.As
I continued to read this fic, this error grew more and more numerous. It was
quite painful to read nearly every other sentence in the dialiouge ending with
a '?' 
However I have formed the opinion that this was not done by hand. I don't
think it's possible for anyone, fluent in a language, to have that level of
grammtical errors. So I'm guessing this was a 'Search and Replace' command
that went bonkers. No real worries there.
However I do think that if you had taken ..oh..two minutes to go over this
fic, give it a quick scan, you could have spotted them and made additional
corrections. 
But I know how it is, you're excited, really eager to get it posted and feel
that 'Thrill of Accomplishment' still, tampering down on that for a few
additional minutes shouldn't be THAT hard. This question mark problem really,
REALLY butchered any tangible possibility of true Fic immersion. 

Next up. 'Talking Heads'. 
That is the term used when a writer is typing dialiouge and doesn't indicate
who is saying what and HOW. I'm a REAL stickler for that ever since it was
pointed out to me by others that I had that habit.
It is not a HUGE problem here in this fic, you do have 'He said' 'She said'
reasonably well enough. The problem is that there are huge gatherings of
people talking(Giles, Buffy, Dawn, Willow, Tara) and in scenes of that many
it's best to lable EVERYONE. I got lost on more than one occasion and having
to scroll back to figure out who said what also blows any sense of 'Fic
Immersion' out of the water. 
In my opinion I also feel that 'talking heads' while a suitable tool for
'dramatics', should be used far, FAR more sparingly than it actually is.
Depriving readers of various descriptions, how someone is saying something,
their facial expressions, tones of voice, body language etc.. is far more
intresting and goes a great deal farther in conveny a 'feeling' about a work
than 'talking heads' can do. 
'Talking Heads' should be, again in my opinion, reserved for those moments of
crystal clarity, where the scenario is so tension ridden, the stakes are so
high, and threat so great that the reader doesn't care about the
characters..er...characterisitics so much but more cares about whats
happening. 

Other than the above this was an acceptable fic, there were no huge 'Wow, this
is great!' kind of descriptions. It was pretty reasonable, not too glamerous
though. Somewhat plain in fact. Still readable(If you 'Bleep' past everything
I already mentioned.) but nothing Chokeworthy. (Ie. It chokes the crap outta
you.)

It is my opinion(And this is one opinion, mine, just mine and only mine
therefore it should have no real affect on you than anyone elses. As I've said
many times, opinions are either the heaviest, most corrosive power in
eternity, or they are harmless as a cool evening breeze. It all depends on
what you LET them be.) that this fic is not very good. There could be far
better descriptions, more interaction, drama and affection. For the moment it
feels to me, again even IF I ignore the errors, like people standing in a room
reading from a script with little, or no, passion behind their speech. 

I KNOW it could be because though. The er..reaffirment of the Bond was a cut
above the rest of the fanfiction in terms of description. Not much above
though because, again, those damn question marks crept in and spoiled
everything. 

I see no evidence in this work of it being Beta-Read either. A beta-reader
could have caught a lot of these errors. Even worse is it's clear that no one,
not even you, proofread it in the slightest. This is not good writing habits.

Bear in mind that I'm not saying you're a bad WRITER, I'm saying you have bad
habits. If you accept this, and work against it, more power to you.

To sum up:
This is not good work. It's clumsy, alkward and full of errors that could have
been spotted and corrected very easily. Once those hurtles are past it could
use some refinement, additional descriptions, tones, a few more 'moments' to
convey the depth of the feelings between these three girls now. Additionally
I'm getting the nagging idea that you're depending a great deal on the
'erotic' possibilities of three girls in a relationship to keep the readers
intrested, rather than what exactly the story is about. This is a mistake.

Of coures, being a candid, thoroughly Y Chromosomed male I can say, 'HECK YAH!
That is kinda intresting' but not enough to keep me reading fics with this
many problems.

Riley's 'I came, I saw, I boggled' scene could confuses me. Even if it was
totally revamped I don't see why it was included in the fic at all, other than
to Riley bash. (Which is time well spent actually but still..it does nothing
to foward the overall story...that I can see at any rate.)

I don't want to see this story continue. I'm not going to apologise for that.
What I'd really like to see though, is this chapter redited, checked over
carefully, maybe some things added, others subtracted, just gone over again
basically THAN reposted. 
Of course this is just my opinion, you have absolutly no reason to listen to
any of this blither blather that I have said and can happily ignore me if that
is your perogative. 

Alright, so it's not fluffy, warm, fuzzy feedback, but it's still feedback!
And the above doesn't mean I don't like you, or that you should never write
again.
No, what it means is 'I had a few problems with your fic, but here's what they
are, and why I think this way. Just in case you're intrested'. 
And if you're NOT intrested...well...I'll neer bother ya again.

This is not an attack.
This is a critique. 
And having somone actually take the time to point out weaknesses and suggest
changes is, at least in my own feelings, far, FAR more valuable than somone
merely writing 'Wow man, I want more!' Not that such praise is bad either
though.

I remain, as always,
Mad-Hamlet

Do not cross a storyteller.
A storyteller is, perhaps, the most powerful thing in all of creation.
At their beck and call they have the powers of What Might be, What Could Be,
What Should Be and What Will Be.
All anyone else has is What Is. 
All the pontential versus mere reality. 


-Mad-Hamlet