FF: Thoughts of Balance

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TITLE: Thoughts of Balance
AUTHOR: Arimis Adkinson a.k.a Reality Bender
DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. I 
don't own anything.
SUMMARY: Sequel to Thoughts of Us 
SPOILERS: Surprise. Innocence, Phases and Becoming Part 2
DISTRIBUTION: If you want it take it just let me know where it is.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is also response to a fic challenge. Also my second
fic attempt. That and this idea has been bugging me for a while.
Feedback: Please If you like it let me know, if you didn't let me know
so I can write something you do

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(Buffy's Pov) 

Please forgive me Willow

It's my fault and I know it. I attained the unattainable. And it
nearly destroyed us all. I saw you falling for Oz and let myself fall
for Angel when it was you I wanted- strike one. I almost let jealousy
cloud my judgement and nearly got were-Oz killed- strike two. I let my
pride go before reason and got Kendra killed, Giles captured and
tortured, Xander hurt And you my precious Willow hospitalized and
comatose- strike three I'm out. I knew that as watched you lying there
so still and pale I would never be deserving of anything from you but
your friendship. All these thoughts were swirling through my head as I
faced off with Angelus. "No friends, No weapon, No hope, Strip it all
away and what's left who will save you" he taunted as he stood over me
ready to end my life. I was ready to die until your smiling face flashed
before my eyes. I realized I was prepared to die but I wasn't prepared
to let you die.

"Willow said ...... Kick his ass" Xander said as we stood out side
the mansion. He lied to me I realize that as I watch Angel get sucked
into Hell. I had Angelus on his knees before me ready to end this night
mare and save the world and more importantly to me you when he got his
soul back. He was confused and I started to cry because I knew what I
would have to do in order to save everything send an innocent man to
hell. So caught up in my guilt trip I didn't even notice one of
Angelus' hench vamps pick up his sword from where it lay until he ran me
through with it as he sank his fang into my neck. Your name on my lips
as my blood flowed into the vampire behind me and out around the blade
of the sword sticking through my stomach. I could feel the darkness
pulling at me welcoming me I heard your voice and tried to call out to
you but that was my greatest mistake of all as I tried to breathe in to
respond I swallowed the blood from the cut hand being held over my
mouth. The Darkness claimed me as I realized what was happening I was
being turned.

Do you know what is created when a slayer is turned. I didn't but
that was my greatest nightmare that I would find out. A slayer is being
of light a vampire is one of the dark . Like matter and anti-matter like
cats and dogs like two things drawn to each to destroy each other. A
soul and a demon in one body Angel pulled it off because of a gypsy
curse. But in me the demon and the soul combined into a new being caught
in the grey between light and dark and good and evil. The first thing I
did as woke up the next night after I slayed my sire was check on you.
Part of me wanted to kiss you and beg for forgiveness. But part of me a
big part of me wanted to kill Xander for lying and claim you as my
mate.So I ran from your window away from your house. In the few hours
I've been what ever it is I am now I've learned that I'm stronger and
faster than I was before. I can fly now too and my sense are of the
chart. I have a reflection too. But I also have a Vampires' bloodlust
and need for blood I found that out this evening as well when I saved a
girl from a vampire only to nearly kill her my self. God what kind of
monster am I. I drank her blood felt her life slowly drain away and
enjoyed it. But the girl is alive she at the hospital I got her there in
time to save her life. That's how I know I can fly I flew to hospital.
But I also learned fire won't kill and stake through the heart just hurt
like hell and healed as soon as I removed it. So I am sitting here
watching the sun rise into with not so much as tendril of smoke coming
off me as I bask in the warmth of the sun. I am writing to let you know
why I've left Sunnydale. Until I can control my impulses better so I
don't hurt you or anyone else I can't stay here any more. So please know
that I Love You. I can't be a threat to you when I want nothing more to
protect you. I can't be around Xander and be his friend when I want to
snap his neck for lying to me. I can't forgive my own mother when I
could just as easily to rip her heart out for throwing me out and
thinking I killed Kendra. Or look Giles in the eye when I could just
finish where Angelus left off with no problem. You my precious one I
want nothing more than take you and make love to you and at the same I
want to claim you take you as my own whether or not your willing. I want
to kill my family and friends and yet I don't. And I don't have a
problem with doing any and all of things I've said. I don't know which
would happen if I saw any of you face to face. So until I do be safe. 

All my love
Buffy

With tears in her eyes Willow looked out her bedroom into the dark
sky. Conflicting emotions running through her head. Hope and fear the
prevailing two. Hope that Buffy would return in control and they would
have a chance to be together. Fear that she wouldn't or worse yet she
would return and kill them all. She gently folded the letter back up and
placed it back into it's envelope and placed it in her desk drawer.
Willow sent a silent prayer to whoever was listening to protect them and
her friend as she wheeled herself over to her bed. "Good night Buffy
Wherever you are" she whispered as she slowly drifted off into a
dreamless sleep barely hearing " Sleep well My love" drift in from the
figure outside her window as it faded in to the night.