Re: Fic: Death Becomes Her

[Kris <krismpy@xxxxxxxxx>]

Nice little bittersweet piece. I do have one
question that I'm also posing to other writers
besides you because I'm not sure about it. The
question is about this part:

>Willow drops her pen and walks over to the
>Slayer?s body. During that short 
>walk she thinks over everything that happened

For some reason, those two sentences sound funny
to me. Should they maybe be written in the past
tense? I.E. - dropped her pen, walked over to
the body, thought over everything. I think
that's the way I'd do it, but I'm wondering if
it's just a style difference? I realize you're
trying to make a distinction between current
action and past action in that paragraph, though.
Any other writers out there have a take on it?

Also, I believe the very last word should be
breathe, but that's no big deal.

Other than that, I think it packs a lot of
emotion into such a short piece, which is
definitely not an easy task. I could feel and
sympathize with Willow's pain easily.

Kris


--- soph melc <sophmelc@xxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
> Title: Death Becomes Her
> Category: Drama
> Rated: PG-13ish
> Characters: Willow, and Buffy
> Summary: Just read it. Oh and this is my very
> first attempt so all comments 
> would be great. Thanks.
> Archive:All my fic can be found at Night's
> Companion, 
>
http://www.angelfire.com/film/sophmelc/index.html
> 
> Also I may have already posted this..but I
> don't think so. If I have very 
> sorry.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ?She died today. Again. But this time she
> didn?t get up. I couldn?t do 
> anything. She just lay so still, but there was
> this aura, this power coming 
> off her. Like she was holding on for all she
> was worth. I?m in shock. At 
> least I think I am. I screamed once, just as
> she fell. But then I just felt 
> this anger come over me and I killed them.
> Every one of those dirty, evil 
> hell spawn. I killed all of them. They had hurt
> my Slayer, my Buffy. I?m 
> crying now, and I don?t know if I will ever
> stop. I?m sitting next to her 
> body. Just expecting her to jump up and be back
> to normal. But she won?t, so 
> I wonder. When will the next one arrive? I
> don?t think I?ll be here then, I 
> think I?ll be dead. How could she be dead? I
> can hear myself screaming 
> again, but I can?t stop writing. I almost have
> to get this all down, so they 
> know what happened. Giles, Xander, Angel. They
> really deserve to know. Why 
> is she gone? After all we?ve been through
> together. All the fighting, all 
> the things we?ve seen. How could she just die?
> I look at her, and still I 
> don?t believe it. I wonder?.?
> 
> Willow drops her pen and walks over to the
> Slayer?s body. During that short 
> walk she thinks over everything that happened.
> While walking home after a 
> late research session at the Magic Box they had
> been set upon by a pack of 
> demons. They weren?t too sure which but there
> also wasn?t a whole lot of 
> time to think. With only four demons the Slayer
> and the Wicca thought they?d 
> have no trouble. But when the demons started to
> withdraw they followed. Yeah 
> it was a trap but nothing they couldn?t handle
> together. But then they got 
> onto the demons turf the tables turned. Instead
> of four piddly demons there 
> were fifteen. After fighting hard for a good
> half-hour it looked like they 
> were winning. But in one brief lapse Buffy got
> caught between two charging 
> demons. Buffy was nearly torn in two. If she
> hadn?t been the Slayer she 
> would have been. As it was they just snapped
> her spine. That one will kill 
> even a Slayer. It was sickening snapping sound
> that made Willow turn and 
> look, just as Buffy fell to the cold hard floor
> of the crypt.
> 
> Willow was frantically calling up every spell
> she could remember. Anything 
> that would help her bring back the Slayer.
> Bring back that beautiful smile 
> and those wise, old eyes.
> 
> ?I love you too much to let you just die on my
> Buffy Anne Summers!? and with 
> that thought Willow stopped dead. ?I love her.
> Oh goddess, I love her. 
> Please, she?s too important, to the fight, to
> me?
> 
> Falling on her knees beside the still body of
> her best friend, Willow kept 
> chanting over again. ?I love her too much?She?s
> too important?I love her too 
> much?? Lying her hands over Buffy?s body Willow
> concentrated everything that 
> she was and every ounce of her being into
> Buffy. Still chanting as she felt 
> the power that she hardly knew she held rise
> with in her. She was 
> concentrating so hard that she didn?t even
> notice when they started to rise 
> above the floor. Willow didn?t know how long
> they floated there, seconds, 
> hours or days, but when they finally fell to
> the floor she felt a movement 
> beneath her hands where they had fallen on
> Buffy?s chest. Forcing her eyes 
> open, Willow saw Buffy breath.
> 
> 
>
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