FIC: On Occasions; In the Heart

[Mad Hamlet <Mad-Hamlet@xxxxxxx>]

Disclaimer: All this belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy(Grr..arrggh)



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A Mad-Hamlet Production



On Occasions;

In The Heart





The ardor cooled a while ago. 

Ha, I got to use ardor in a sentence. I'm just so bad, yes I am.

The rooms gotten cold, or maybe the passion just wore off. First Buffy cuddled
up next to me

for heat and then after that wasn't enough she pulled the covers over us, than
snuggled back down, curling up next to me, laying her head on my chest, the
fingers of her hand idly drawing patterns on the skin of my belly. She's been
quiet for a while now but I'm not overly concerned. 

Buffy gets that way sometimes. A memory snatches her attention and she follows
after it for a bit. With my comment about old reliable, and all the events
that ensued after the previous time it was used, I can't say I'm very
surprised that she's sorta drifted off. Whether it's because of the afterglow,
the warm sunlight that's a thick, heavy yellow color; the mark of a sun just
on the horizon, lancing through the blinds, or just that I'm tired, but I find
my own thoughts drifting away. 

I run my fingers through Buffy's hair while her nails continue their tracery
on my belly. I lay my head back and remember...



I had gone to the library figuring it was the best place to meet Buffy, I was
in a rush, wanted to get there before she left on her patrol. Lots of reasons
why, I didn't want her concern for my state of mind clouding her judgment.
Yeah she went on lots of patrols, and mostly there were newbies out there. It
didn't ever change the fact that every night she was fighting for her life.

Her life!

Which was also my life. Enough said on that matter. Of course I had meant to
go earlier but I'd completely lost track of time having had to worry about my
homework and that...that....jock! 

It was a good thing that I had already sworn off of boys or I would have
seriously considered doing so. 

So I was rushing down the hall and pushed my way past the double doors and
entered the library. Well, I thought it was the library. Didn't feel like it
anymore.

Haven't you ever walked into a room and you can just 'know' what kind of a
room it is? It might be a study, or a den, or the kitchen but you can just
feel how much it's been used. And you can say to yourself, 'Yeah, this is the
den, and the living room is through that door, but this is where the family
gathers. This is where children play with their parents and the family bond
was made.' You know what I'm talking about? 

The Library didn't feel like the library. It felt like a morgue.

Giles was sitting in between Xander and Buffy, who herself was not exactly
sitting but sprawled across the few steps that lead to the second tier of the
library. Giles and Xander were staring at nothing. Their eyes were open
certainly enough and it wasn't like a hunk o'nothing had materialized in front
of them. 'Cause that would be impossible, since nothing, not being a something
cannot exist therefore it is nothing but it wasn't actually nothing because
nothing can't actually exist... You know what I mean.

They looked lost. 

Buffy though...

She wasn't staring at nothing, she almost was nothing. People put out vibes,
something, that lets you know, or gives you an idea at least, of what's going
on. Call it empathy, or subconscious understanding of body language, facial
expressions whatever. It's there.

For Buffy it wasn't.

My footsteps seemed to double in volume with every step I took and I will
freely admit that I was on the verge of a panic attack. 

"Uh..hi guys!" I said, trying to force a cheerful tone. At that time, and even
now to my own ears it sounded rather weak. Squeakish. "What's...uh...what's
going on?"

Xander's head shot up to look at me and I saw something on his face that I
thought I'd never see directed at me. 


Hate. 

I'd seen Xander angry, I'd seen him direct that power at others. Angelus, and
Spike. Never at me though. I didn't like it and I didn't understand it at the
time. Xander can hate so well; because it doesn't belong on him. He's a funny,
happy person. A...bright kind of person and seeing something so black and...
He's got such a nice smile and it's almost always there. Seeing those features
twisted like that...it hurts. Even remembering them directed at me, with the
space of time and understanding, it still hurts now. 

He lurched at me and I thought he was going to hit me. In that instant so many
thoughts flashed through my mind. Was someone hurt? Had he found out about
Buffy and I? Was this his reaction? Had he hurt Buffy? What was wrong with
Buffy? And Giles? What was going on? What had I done?

The large wooden cross shoved nearly into my face cut off such thoughts. 

"Back!" Xander shouted at me. "Get back demon!"

I had a brief flash of extreme confusion. 

"Buffy!" Xander shouted over his shoulder. "Get a stake, she would have wanted
it this way!"

I opened my mouth to reply, to protest, to query. To do something!

Something was done, but not by me. By Buffy. I was looking at her the entire
time, I hadn't taken my eyes from her, not since I had first entered the room.
I watched her speak. Her eyes, which had been unfocused and empty moved over
to look at me. She watched as Xander confronted me, I saw her mind working.At
first she seemed puzzled, that small crease between her eyes saying so, then
some sort of realization, some expression of recognition flittered over her
face. I almost began to sigh in relief when she started to say something.

"No!"

It was only a whisper, but it carried clear across the room, across the space
dividing me from her, from Buffy. In that one utterance I heard such sadness
and pain. I had no idea what was the cause but I was going to go there, be
there for her. Lend her my support.

I brushed past Xander and his cross, ignoring both the puzzled expression on
his face and the sudden question popping in my head. 'Why would they want to
stake me?' 

"Buffy?" I say quietly approaching. 

"No!" She shrieked it that time. An exact opposite of her earlier utterance.
I'd never heard anyone sound like that before. I saw pictures in my mind of
drowning people, of screeching tires on out of control cars and toddlers in
harms way as mothers watch helplessly. "No, please no! I can't do it again!
Not again!"

Then Giles was standing in front of me. I thought it was Giles. He was taller
somehow. Colder in lots of ways that I instantly understood. 

"You will not touch her." His voice was tight, clipped. The skin pulled tight
over the bones on his face. I'd seem him like this once before, only once.
When we'd confronted the owner of the Costume shop last Halloween. Before we'd
known Giles's background. Before we knew about 'Ripper'.

The last time Giles had spoken to me using that face I couldn't help myself
but to obey. He'd told me to go, so I went, and now he was using it again and
I had to get past him. Why were they doing this? What was wrong? Had they
found out about me and Buffy? Had we been that wrong, she and I, and somehow
missed the fact that our friends, our family, were rampant hatemongers?

"You wear the face of someone we all loved." Giles resumed speaking. He took a
step toward me, being as threatening as possible. "But it's just a face now,
the person is dead. You will not deceive us, and you will not get near the
Slayer. I am not looking at my friend Willow, I am merely looking at-"

"Giles." I interrupted. I should have been hurting. His words were so cruel,
and cutting, deliberately chosen to be so I guess. If it had been any other
situation I would have been devastated, reduced to a ball of emotional pain.
But Buffy was hurting and that was all that mattered. She had the back of her
left hand pressed over her mouth, muffling her whimpers, tears, a cascade of
them, made her face shiny and wane in the dim lighting of the library.

"Giles," I said. "I don't know what's going on, and I really want to find out
what I've done to make you and Xander so angry at me but I just don't have
time. So...so.." I took a deep breath. "I'm sorry."

That caught him off guard, he crooked an eyebrow and the tightness of his face
vanished. 
"Sorry?" He asked in a confused voice. "What for?"

"For this." I said and kicked him in the shins as hard as I could.

It has to be a genetic thing, because he remained totally British. Giles just
grimaced a bit bent over, grabbed the wounded limb then, without a word of
protest of exclamation, wobbled, lost his balance and toppled over.

I darted around him to where Buffy was still slumped on the stairs. She'd
watched the interaction between me and her watcher silently, except for the
repeated moaning into her hand. When I stepped around Giles her eyes shot open
wide. A strangled squack burst from her throat.

She started crab walking backwards, trying to climb the stairs to get away.
She wanted to get away, to run and hide. To run from me. Her limbs flailed
about and all sense of grace she had she lost. A hand slid out from under her
and she crumpled. Curling up into a fetal position, an arm wrapped around her
eyes, keeping her from seeing, not letting her know. Know what? Her other hand
waved in the air feebly trying to fend some terrible something from advancing
on her. 


"Buffy?" I whispered trying to get past her flailing arm, even half trying her
strength was formidable. "Buffy baby, it's me." 

I grabbed her hand in my mine and she didn't fight back when I restrained it.
Buffy could have, she could have just twitched a shoulder muscle and lobbedme
clear across the room. She didn't though, and in some ways that terrified me
more than anything before.

"Stay away, please stay away." I heard the catching in her throat. She was
fighting back sobs. Something terrible had happened. "Don't come near me.
You're not her." She continued. "Not her, not her, not her, not her. Don't
make me do this again, please. Not again!"

She was shaking, her skin clammy and moist; almost feverish. I'd seen her
earlier that day, at school and somehow between then and now something had
come along and sucked all the vitality out of her. Everything was limp and
cold. I could see the actual effort it took for her to remember to take her
next breath, and I got the impression that, if she'd had a choice, she
wouldn't have.

She'd been hollowed out. 

Gutted.


"Buffy, Buffy!" I said more fiercely. "It's alright, I'm here. Whatever it is,
I'm here. We're here. It'll be okay, I promise, I'll make it okay." Not giving
a damn if Giles and Xander saw, I pressed her hand to my lips. 

"See?" I whispered in between kisses to her fingertips. "I'm here." I lowered
my voice even more, bringing my lips to her ear. 

"I love you." I barely breathed.

Nothing.

I got nothing. No reaction, no stunning realization that whatever was wrong
wasn't. She was too far gone and I, for a heart stopping moment thought I'd
lost her. That whatever was causing this pain had been to much, had conquered
her spirit and she had gone away, far away, somewhere to hide. 

That wasn't an option that I was going to allow.

I released her hand, it landed on the floor with an audible thud. Pulling the
hand she held over her mouth away I cupped her face in my hand, capturing her
eyes with mine, not letting her look away.

"What happened Buffy?" I say quietly. "Please tell me. I won't hurt you. What
happened?" 

Her eyes rolled widely in their sockets and I shook her head slightly to
reestablish contact.

She looked at me with terror. Her pupils were huge. They eclipsed her eyes
entirely almost, some darkness inside eating her up. She was scared. 

Scared of me.

"What happened?" I repeated softly. Only a sliver of space between her lips
and mine. Where, on other occasions, that space had been one of delight, and
teasing, now it was an impassable canyon. 

"You," She whimpered a few times. Her voice small and frail like a child who
has lost her parents in a big scary building. "You were cold." She chokes
out.

"You were cold." She repeated, fresh tears squeezing out her eyes and over my
fingers. "Cold inside and outside. Dead and cold and gone and you were cruel.
So cruel, you liked it too. You could have done horrible things, you wantedto
do horrible things. I could tell. You couldn't wait to start hurting others.
Yet..." 

She moaned in the back of her throat and tried to look away. "You were still
so beautiful." She croaked. "Cold, monstrous, bloodthirsty and...and..." She
drifts off into silence.

"And?" I encouraged her slightly, my mind was buzzing with this information.
Everything that had happened in the last, what, five minutes? Was just
swirling in my mind. I should have figured it out but it was too much too
fast. Xander, the Cross, Giles speech, I should have figured it out, thought
how would I have been able to believe?

She looked up at me again, this time of her own free will and I had to steel
myself not to look away. She was so haunted! "And I still wanted you!" She
keened. 

It was a quiet wail of despair. Not some full throated howl, just a light,
wispy, cry. An infants failing, dying whisper. 


It was horrible.

I swallowed a few times trying, desperately to think of something. 

I stroked her cheeks with the pads of my thumbs, smearing her tears and
mascara. The black rings of the makeup gave way to reveal black rings under
her eyes that I could not wipe away.

"Do..."I swallowed again. "Do I feel cold Buffy?" I whispered to her." I
gently blew my breath across her face, causing her eyelashes to flutter shut
briefly. "Do I feel cold?" I asked again.

"Can't you feel it Buffy?" I started sliding my fingers from her hairline to
her neck. "Am I not warm?"

I lowered my lips the last few centimeters and pressed mine to hers briefly.
It was a chaste kiss, but it meant everything at that time. 

I was there.

I was alive.

I loved her.

I was warm.

When I pulled away, her trembling hands were resting on my shoulders. As I
looked back into her eyes the haunting terror was still there, but less so,
now diluted by confusion. 

"But..." She gasped. "But..your heart-"

"Is yours." I interrupted her. 

"But it was dead!" She insisted.

Releasing her face I pulled her one hand down, over my shoulder and along my
front till her palm was resting on my chest, directly over my heart.

"See for yourself." I whispered. The last shreds of my self control were not
weathering this whole stitch well. I could feel myself falling away somewhere.


"Can you feel it Buffy?" I whimpered. "It's my heart. It's there and real and
alive and beating.; beating for you Buffy. My heart is scared though Buffy.
I'm scared. Why? What's happening Buffy? Feel my heart Buffy. Come back to me
please. Feel my heart and come back to me!"

Said muscle was hammering against my ribs, I could feel it thundering in my
ears, so hard and heavy that my brain was ringing in my skull. I was terrified
too I realized. Something had attacked her, attacked us and it had
destroyed...or it would destroy..Buffy unless I stopped it and I knew I was
about to start panicking and that would have not a been a good thing and
everything would have fallen apart and just-

Then Buffy grabbed me.

She sandwiched my face firmly between her palms, her eyes looking me over and
over again. Again I felt like time slowed down. Her skin, her hands, were so
hot, the skin rough and strong, yet soft. She cupped my left cheek with her
one hand and slowly stroked my bangs away from forehead with the other. 

"Willow?" She asked. She sounded kinda silly actually, I mean, of course who
else would it have been, I was right there and it's not like I was wearing a
disguise. But it wasn't silly. It was the most important question in the
world. 

"Yes." I said quietly. "I'm Willow. I'm here. I'm alive. I love you and I'm
not ever going to leave you."

She was quiet for a moment. Studying my face intently, like looking for
something wrong with it. Something alien and obscene so she could finally
decide to trust again, or run and hide forever. 

After a few seconds she made up her mind.

"I thought I lost you." She squeaked. 

Before I could reply with the obligatory and oft repeated 'Never' she was
pulling me down. Looking back on it I think I was still aware that Giles and
Xander were right behind the two of us. I was aware of how Buffy and I might
appear, laying on top of each other, her hands clasping my face and whispering
in far too an intimate manner. I also am pretty sure I didn't care. I know I
don't now. 

She kissed me. In front of Giles and Xander, she kissed me. Okay, we kissed
each other and I don't know how I knew, and I don't care how. I just knew it
was something that had to be done, that she needed and it was right.

Kisses taste good. If you love someone you're kissing. Heck, if you love them
enough morning breath kisses can still taste good; as long as you're careful.
When kisses with someone you love taste right though...

She...Buffy.. it was. I was enveloped in warmth. Yeah, physically it was
French kiss, but it wasn't. She was... asking for something; an affirmation
and I gave it freely and she offered and I accepted. Over and over giving and
receiving and giving again, never taking though. Never, ever taking. 

Her legs wrapped around me and I felt her rubbing them along the back of my
calves. She released my face and slid her arms down my shoulders and wrapped
them around my back. I whimpered into her mouth when her fingers slid undermy
sweater, scraping my skin.

It was the whimper that did it though. 

Probably a good thing too. I don't know if we could have stopped ourselves.

>From behind me I heard the quiet sound of someone clearing their throat.

I reluctantly pulled away from Buffy and she let me go. Whatever wound she'd
been dealt long since healed, I think. She was looking at me now. AT me. And
she was smiling. I should have felt fatally embarrassed but I didn't. I just
smirked down at her.

"We're so seriously busted." I whispered to her. 

She lifted her head and nuzzled my cheek with her own. "I don't care." She
purred in my ear. "You're alive."

I quirked an eyebrow. "Arn't I usually?" 

Half in fear, half in dread, half in anticipation, hey I was with Buffy that
makes me one hundred and fifty percent Willow, I turned my head to see the
little audience in the barely completed drama. 

Giles was sitting on the floor, still rubbing his injured ankle. A bit of
guilt tweaked my mind but not that much. Xander was standing a little behind
Giles and to his left. My best friend's jaw hung open and he wasn't blinking.
I wasn't sure if he was breathing. The cross hung from his limp fingers and
when it slipped free and clattered to the floor I jumped even though I knewit
was coming. 



Buffy giggled nervously behind me. I could feel my own lips being pulled upin
some insane smile that would not be denied. 

"So." Giles stated shattering the awkward silence, which was not all that good
a thing, the end of awkward silences usually lead to awkward conversations."I
take it that the rumors of your demise have been greatly exaggerated Willow?"


He was smiling a half, somewhat hesitant, smile. Looking like someone who had
found someone that they had believed lost but, upon finding them again,
discovered that they were not exactly what he remembered. Whaddya know, that's
exactly what happened.

"Um..." I hesitated. First impressions in this sort of situation are very
important and I wanted to make sure I said the right thing.

"Yes?" I shrugged. 

"Yes?" Xander exclaimed. "Yes!?"

He rushed from around where Giles was still sitting, grabbed me by the
shoulders and pulled me to my feet. Staring into my face for a moment he than
yanked me hard, wrapped his arms around me and gave me an almost painful hug.

"Hey!" I heard Buffy protesting slightly. 

"God Willow." Xander mumbled into my ear. "I thought I'd lost my best friend!
Do you have any idea how that feels? I thought you were dead, gone, deceased,
some sort of soulless demon spawn hell bent on eating the pizza delivery boy,
rather than the actual pizza..."

The relief he must have been feeling caught up with him and his grip tightened
even more. I was touched by how much he cared, but I was somewhat concerned
about the small danger signals my vertebrae were giving off. Something about
stress fractures. 

"Jesus Will." He said again. "I believed you were dead. I really, really
believed it."

He was silent for a few moments longer then gently released his embrace.
Leaving his hands on my shoulders he stepped back and just stared me in the
eyes for some time. 

Finally he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Some sort of burden must
have been released at that moment because, when he opened his eyes again they
were my old Xander-Buddies eyes, alight with life, warmth, humor and...oh
nuts...mischief. 

"But you're not dead are you." He stated rather than asked.

"No." I replied, shaking my head and smiling up at him. "Quite alive."

"There is nothing suckworthy about this turn of events." He said smirking
slightly.

"Nope. Me being still among the living is a total suck-free happening." I
giggled. I really should have known better. I've known Xander a very long time
and should have been able to sidestep his traps by now. 

"Speaking of 'suck'," Xander interrupted. "Did someone hit me on the head and
I, being so used to it, simply did not notice or were you sucking on Buffy's
tongue not two minutes ago?"

"Yeah that's it!" Buffy exclaimed coming to stand by my side. If she was still
hurting in any way her voice did not betray it. She always was good at hiding
her feelings, too good sometimes. I made a mental note for her and I to have a
talk later. Or something. I wanted to be sure. 

"You're having a dream Xander." Buffy continued nudging me with her elbow
gently. "S'all just some weird fantasy of yours. You have lots of those."

"Uh." I strategically added, I never really wanted to ponder much over
Xander's fantasies.

"Hmmmm. Could be, could be." Xander said tactfully. He looked around the room
slowly, being careful not to gaze at either me or Buffy. I knew that look,
that was Xander's 'I'm Going to Nail You to a Wall in Three...Two...' look.

"No." He announced. "This is definitely not a fantasy."

"Oh?" Buffy shot back, hand on her hips, head cocked to one side. "What makes
you think so?"

I mentally shook my head and tried to suppress a sigh; she should really have
known better. I mean, this is Xander okay?

Xander shot her a triumphant smile, his arms folded over his chest. "Cause
none of us are naked!" he announced.

Buffy's eyes bulged out and she took a threatening step toward Xander, fist
raised in warning. 

"Hey, hey!" Xander backed off holding out his hands in a placating gesture.
"Joke. Joke really. Well, except for that one time...but that was a long time
ago and I've never thought about it again. Except when I eat lime green
Jell-O. Oh nuts." He muttered the last bit.



"Xander!" I squealed outraged, but in a good humored way. This is what we
needed, something to reaffirm who we were, what we meant to each other.
Family, being family I guess. 

"Xander." Giles said carefully, putting his weight on his uninjured foot. I
felt a flash of guilt when I saw him hobbling over to us but managed not to
burst into tears or anything stupid. "I find myself oddly disturbed that you
have me being in any of your fantasies. Past, present or future."

Now it was Xander's turn to gape as he got zinged. By Giles no less. That had
to bruise the ego.

"What..who... how?" Xander sputtered. "You were so not there G-Man. I was just
talking about these two." He gestured emphatically with a pointed finger at
Buffy and I. 

"Oh well that's much better than." Giles murmured as he looked at me fondly.
His eyes said everything that his British upbringing wouldn't allow him to.He
gently put an arm around my shoulders. "I am very pleased to see you well
Willow and that our assumptions were incorrect."

"Yeah!" I replied while nodding seriously. "I got a pulse an' everything."

Giles stared at me a bit than with a muttered "Sod the rules." wrapped me in a
gentle, rather paternal, hug. Not a lot of people had hugged me in my life,
save for Buffy, I realized I'd been missing out. 

"I'm sorry about kicking you." I said quietly stepping out of the hug. 

"Oh don't worry about that." Giles said in mild amusement. He hobbled over to
one of the chairs around the table and sank into it gratefully. "I'm sure
it'll heal." He paused. "In a month or so."

"Sooorrryyy." I whined. Guilt, with the more immediate problems out of the
way, was now running rampant through my mind. Actually, it was so close to
'normal' for me I sorta felt right at home.

Giles sighed. "Willow, I'll be fine. Really. I can understand why you
did...er..what you felt you had to do. Not knowing the situation and what with
the rest of us acting all so out of sorts." 

He leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees. "However," He continued.
"This doesn't answer the question, what exactly was it that you Buffy, and you
Xander saw at the Bronze?"

"Yeah." Xander added helpfully, sitting down as well. He leaned back in his
chair and, ignoring Giles disapproving scowl, rested his feet on the table
edge. "I mean, I know I wasn't fantasizing then, she was real Giles. Fully
three-dimensional, Dolby surround sound, total interaction real."

"Realer than that." Buffy muttered taking the seat beside me. She moved a hand
under the table and rested it on my thigh. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't a
gesture of affection, more likely it was to reassure herself that I was still
there and really real. I put my hand on top of hers and gave it a gentle
squeeze. She smiled at me, behind which still lurked some issues. I
double-prioritized the mental note. 

"Willow in case you don't quite know what we're referring too-" Giles began.

"I can guess." I interrupted. "Xander with the cross, calling me a demon,"
Xander flushed and started examing the tips of his shoes, "And you Giles,
telling me that I only wore the face of their friend and really wasn't
anymore." Now it was the Watcher's turn to look somewhat flustered. "You saw a
vampire."

The quiet in the room seemed as sudden as the good cheer had a moment ago.
Only not as enjoyable. Finally, after what was far too long Buffy spoke. Again
her voice had taken that ethereal quality, weak and not totally there. Her
voice trembled as she spoke, and the clear message that everything was 'not
alright' was very visible.

"Not just any vampire Willow." She said. "You."

"Me." I echoed. I wasn't that surprised. Not at all even. If they were acting
like they had seen a vampire and treated me as such, than it had to have been
me as a vampire that Buffy and Xander saw. Of course the big question was how
was that possible?

Xander sighed. "Yeah." He raised his head and stared at me. "It was you
Willow. Didn't just look like you, it was you!"

I squirmed in my chair. I didn't know what was bothered me more, the fact that
somehow a vampiric version of myself was running around, doing God knows what,
or that my friends were referring to me as an 'It'. 

"Didn't dress like you though." Xander chuckled. "No siree-Bob it did not at
all."

Now my curiosity was piqued. "Oh? How was she dressed?"

Buffy swallowed a few times. "Uh.." She began. "Scantily?" 

"Mmm.." Xander mused, his lips pursed in thought. "I'd go with firmly. She was
dressed firmly."

Giles shook his head slightly. "Fascinating though it may be for some of usto
discuss how Willow's doppelganger was dressed it doesn't answer the question
how two of.." He broke off and looked at me awkwardly. "Er..you, came to exist
Willow."

Something was bugging me. A nagging thought at the back of my head was dancing
around. It lent itself to an idea but wouldn't come out and give me the actual
answers. I hated it when that happened, still do today.

I pondered for a bit, not listening to the others as they discussed
possibilities to explain the arrival of my 'Other'. 

Xander was postulating the idea that it was secret Governmental cloning
experiments run amok. Giles thought similarly but had the bad guys being
sorcerers or something. Buffy didn't say anything, just kept running her hand
up and down my thigh gently. 

Then the idea came forth totally. "Urk!" I bolted upright in my chair. 

"What? What!" Buffy yanked her hand away, her voice laced with panic. "Are you
alright? Are you okay? Is your vampiric twin connected to you somehow and you
can see what she's doing? Is it awful? Can you tell us where she is? Oh God
Willow I'm sorry it must be terrible!"

Buffy was staring at me, her expression one of deep concern and sympathy. I
didn't deserve it cause nothing was wrong, well, nothing like Buffy was
worrying about.

"Heh." I smiled. "In order received. Yes, yes, no, no, I don't know probably,
no. It probably is but I'm not sure. Nothing like that Buffy, I just had an
idea. I'll be right back." I pushed my chair back and stood up.

"I'll go with you!" Buffy announced standing up.

I paused. Okay, I should have seen it coming. Buffy was fully into 'Protect'
mode. 

I gently caressed her face with my hands. "Buffy, I'm just going into the
office. There's a book there I need, if that's alright with you Giles." I said
glancing at him.

"Of course." He said. "Do you have an idea on where your twin came from?"

"Maybe," I replied. "I just want to check something." Turning back to BuffyI
smiled at her softly. "Office y'know. Right over there?" I pointed to the
doorway with my free hand. "About forty feet away tops. I'll be fine."

"Yeah... but-" Buffy pouted a bit. "Forty feet is pretty far Will. And
...um...those books. They can be real temperamental. Could be all sorts of
nasty things in those pages just waiting for some unsuspecting type to opento
the wrong page and...and..I'm being silly aren't I?"

"Not at all." I leaned forward and kissed her gently on the lips. "You're
loving me."

"Full time job." She answered before kissing me back. I pulled away with
incredible reluctance and headed for Giles's office. I heard Xander comment
behind me.

"Y'know, this is going to take far less 'getting used to' than I originally
thought."

"Xander." Buffy growled. 

I chuckled to myself and grabbed the book I had in mind off the shelf. 


I started flipping through the pages. "Dimensions,, where is that spell on
dimensions?" I muttered to myself heading back to Buffy and my friends. I
didn't exactly hear the voices that were speaking. At least not until I got
through the doorway.

"...have some bad news Buffy." I glanced up. Angel was standing next to Buffy,
his bearing one of someone having a real bad day and having the added duty of
having to share.

"What is it Angel?" Buffy was worried again, her face bleak. The fact that she
had believed, truly believed, I was dead had really hurt her. I would spenda
long time making her better. I thought at the time we'd both enjoy it.

"I...I just want you to know that I'm there for you. I always will be." Angel
continued, dancing around whatever it was he had to share. 

"Spit it out Angel!" Buffy commanded. Her patience was at an all time low.

"What's wrong Angel?" I said from the doorway.

He glanced at me, than back at Buffy, back to me again. He paused. Looked
thoughtful for a second. "Uhhmmm...nevermind."

The silence stretched for a few seconds as we each separately tried to figure
out Angel's strange behavior. Then it clicked for all of us at the same time.

"Oh." I said quietly.

"Ah." Buffy said rolling her eyes. "That."

"That indeed." Giles contributed.

"You saw her too?" Xander asked. 

Angel looked hard pressed to answer that. "I...saw something, yeah. Can
someone tell me what's going on here?" 

"Er." Giles started. "As far as we can tell there are two of..uhm..Willow. One
is a vampire the other is..."

"I'm not!" I said forcefully. "I don't where she came from, who she really is
or anything like that but I am very, very positive that I am not some
bloodthirsty, psychotic, demonic creature of the night!" I gave Angel a
worried glance. "No offense?" I squeaked.

"None taken." He answered with a perfectly straight face. "I'm just glad
you're okay." He looked back at Buffy, "But there's still bad news. Willow,"
He paused again and giving me a careful look clarified, "The bloodthirsty,
psychotic, demonic creature of the night one I mean, is at the Bronze with
some pals. I think they're planning a little party."



"How many?" Buffy asked. The doubt and weariness that all this emotional
jerking around had caused was gone in a second. This was Buffy the Slayer now.
Duty springing to the fore, strength of commitment etc..etc..

"At least ten." Angel replied. Giles had, demonstrating his ankle was indeed
okay, quickly strode over to the weapons cabinet and had started handing them
out. Xander snagged a crossbow and hastily stuffed two stakes in his jacket
pocket. 

"We go?" He asked Buffy. Angel reached out and grabbed some stakes that Giles
handed him.

Buffy turned toward me slowly and stared at me hard, she idly ran a finger
along the edge of 'Mr. Pointy' she had retrieved from her handbag. I met her
gaze and I understood what she was thinking. Probably something along the
lines of 'If I bring her, she'll be in danger, if I don't bring her she'll be
alone and in danger.' 


I put the book I had retrieved from the office on the countertop. "Giles." I
said slowly, still meeting Buffy's gaze, "Can you toss me a couple stakes?"

"Er." Giles said, still rummaging through the weapons cabinets. "If it's all
well and good with you Willow, I'd rather just put them on the table and not
have sharpened wooden objects hurled blindly about my library."

Coming to a decision of her own Buffy looked at Xander. "We go." She said with
a nod.

I couldn't help it, I smiled. I had, and to this day have, no idea how hardit
must have been for her to accept that I was going to be in a little danger no
matter what. I guess she could handle that possibility. For now. Besides, what
other option was there? Putting me in an airtight house on the bottom of the
ocean floor? That wouldn't work. Sharks!

"Suited up." Xander declared his pockets bulging with stakes, holy water and
three separate crucifixes hanging around his neck. I also noticed....

He saw where I was staring and unsuccessfully attempted to conceal The Starof
David that was also hanging around his neck. I gave him a mock severe glare. 

"Aw c'mon Will." He whined. "I mean, she is..er..was... at..one time. Hey,
better to err on the side of caution okay?"

"Whatever Xander." I said rolling my eyes. I took any sting out my statement
by nudging him in the ribs with my elbow.

"Everybody ready?" Buffy asked. When no one replied in the negative she
started heading for the doors leading out of the library. "Okay gang, let'sgo
then."

We fell in line behind her, ready to head out and face the darkness, conquer
the evil, uh... right the wrongs, um..that kind of stuff. Just out the door
and down the hall I remembered what I had forgotten. "Rats!" I exclaimed.

"What is it?" Buffy asked still walking briskly for the exit of the high
school. I'd fallen into step beside her. 

"Oh I forgot the book I thought we needed. You keep going. I'll be right
back."

She paused and almost turned around but I intercepted her with an upheld
hand.

"Buffy, there's protection and then there's obsession." I said firmly.

"Okay? So? I'm obsessed with protecting you. Sue me." She replied glibly.

"This is just like the office Buffy, what..I'll be...five hundred feet away?
What's the big?" I gestured down the hallway we came. 

"Yeah...but...Willow..." Buffy hesitated. "It's such a lonely five hundred
feet."

"Get outta here." I said playfully. "I'll catch up." 

"No." Buffy declared crossing her arms. "We'll wait."

"Buffy." Angel said quietly coming up behind her.

"We'll wait!" Buffy declared emphatically.

I sighed. Nodded. And ran back to the library. The book was where I had left
it. Grabbing I turned around and headed back for the door intent of giving my
Buffy a good talking too about over projection and how she was being far, far
too careful. The cold hand that wrapped itself around my face, covering my
mouth told me I might have been wrong. 

The quiet lilting voice that purred in my ear and was far, far too familiar,
told me I was most definitely wrong. "Alone at last."

It's one thing to hear about an individual's darkside. There own potential for
evil. A 'you' that has, somehow, been ripped of morals, ethics, their personal
code, it doesn't matter what you call it. That's gone and they become someone
else yet are still who they were. That's scary enough just thinking about
it...anndd a little attractive too. It's something else completely to actually
be confronted with that person though.

Because...because she was me. 

Once upon a time.

They say that a vampire is merely a demon inhabiting an empty vessel. That the
soul is gone. The books compound this statement by explaining how the demon
takes characteristics of the person but is not the actual person itself. 

I found myself doubting that and believing them more than ever before. At the
same time. 

It gave me a headache.

She was dressed in a very tight ....outfit. Her hair was identical to mine but
she had on a lot more...makeup. Her lips were a dark, bloody dark, red.
Shadowed eyeliner increased the effect of something serious being wrong and
her pale skin...just.. 

What made it the most horrible was, despite all these changes she was me. I
could tell. Her body language was totally different. Hands on her hips, said
hips cocked sexily, her stance just a little too wide, like part invitation
part threat. She smiled at me slowly and ran the tip of her tongue over those
lips. But she was still me. I could see it. Everything may have changed, body
language, tone of voice...eating habits..but there was me in there. Me!
Trapped.

I found myself wondering a thousand things. Was Buffy a vampire wherever she
came from? Did they love each other? Could they? Did she still find the same
things funny? Or similar things funny though terribly twisted? Was...was she
still ticklish in the same spots that Buffy loved to tickle me? Something in
me made me believe so but at the same time I doubted whether she'd laugh. If I
reached out and jabbed her lightly in between her ribs and pelvis there would
probably be a ticklish feeling. She just wouldn't laugh, I doubted whether she
knew how.

She looked me over. I felt like I was hanging from a hook and someone had
stamped me 'Grade-A' beef. There had been times when I had really wished
someone had looked at me like that. Any kind of attention would have been
nice. Now that I had it, from Buffy and her looking was ever so much nicer,I
didn't want 'that' look looking at me.

"Nice." She purred stalking toward me. I backed away keeping the distance
between us pretty much the same. Or I did. Until I ran out of places to back
up into. A darn inconvenient place to put a desk. 

She reached out and ran one...very..cold palm over my cheek. Her fingers tips
carving icy trails that lingered after her actual touch had ended. I had to
swallow convulsively. Gorge was making its presence known.

"Fuzzy." She continued eyeing my sweater. "But nice."

"What do you want?" I demanded. Trying to sound a lot braver than I felt. I've
tried that in the past, normally I sounded exactly how I felt. Scared. I
didn't do too hot this time either.

"Your friend," she said, walking up beside me and throwing an arm over my
shoulder. "Anya, told me you brought me here. She told me that you're the one
that took me from my world. She...suggested that you could be," 

She smiled, 

"would be," 

her smile grew wider,

"should be the one to get me back home." She finished. Her hand, was playing
with the stands of hair that were over my ear, she was sliding the tip of her
finger, with talon, over and along the edge of my neck. No one, save Buffy,
had ever touched me like that. It felt wrong, it was a violation. It
...looking back on it..hurt somehow. Outrage gave me courage, or a near fatal
case of idiocy, and I grabbed her hand and pulled it away from me while
stepping out of her...embrace.

"Don't touch me!" I said as fierce as I could. It didn't really deter her she
just kept smiling. 

"Now now." She chastised. "there's no harm in playing with yourself now is
there?"

All the air just left my lungs. I didn't even have the strength to even squeak
in protest. 

She toyed with the edge of her leather...clothing. The part that began about
two centimeters from being 'indecent'.

"Don't knock it till you've tried it." She purred, sliding her finger idly ran
down the center of her chest, between her breasts and stopping it just below
where her navel would be. "Cause I won't."

She took another step, her finger followed a reverse course except it didn't
stop, she dragged her touch over her own neck, past the place where anyone
living might have a pulse, and then slid the tip between her fingers. She
suckled briefly and I saw her jaw tense. Then she moaned.

"Mmmm..." Her cheeks caved a little. She was...sucking. With a quiet 'pop' she
eased the tip of her finger out and held pointed at me, an offering. Her
fingertip was bloody. She'd bitten herself and fed off her own ..someone
else's...the borrowed blood. Stolen blood..I meant stolen blood. 

"Want some?" She asked crooking an eyebrow. "It's finger licking good."

I shook my head feebly. I could hear my own heartbeat. Which meant, by her
standards, I must have sounded like a drum quartet. "N-no thanks. I ...ate."

She just smiled again. Then she inhaled deeply, through her nose. Tasting the
air, testing it. 

"I know." She simpered. She hadn't moved, she hadn't taken a step yet she was
suddenly right in front of, like she had slid across the space between us. 

She dipped her head down and sniffed again right at the junction of my throat.


"Mmmm..." She lifted her head so her lips were directly next to my ear. "I can
tell. I can smell her on you."

She started sliding her fingers over my cheeks again. It wasn't a caress. A
caress is something you want, a physical memento and symbol of affection from
a loved one. She wasn't that, she wasn't anywhere near that. Nothing there in
what she was doing. Just flesh sliding over flesh. I barely repressed the
shudder that so wanted to ...um..shake me.

"She thought I was you." She whispers. "In the Bronze. She was afraid she'd
hurt your feelings somehow. She was trying to make it better."

A finger curls in my hair. "She told me she loved me."

"I wonder," she hummed still playing with my hair. "What it would be like to
play."

She slid both hands over my cheeks, one stopped at the back of my neck, the
other slid down over my back and rested just above my waist. 

"Whaddya say?" She murmur, now she brushed her lips over my neck. I couldn't
move. I just..I could have screamed, shouted, pushed her away, done something
but I couldn't. She was all sex and promises and greed and power and dark and
..slick. She was so slick. Like oil on water. Like someone who hasn't washed
their hair in weeks and then dives in a swimming pool slick. 

"Maybe Blondie would like it huh?" She nipped at my skin again. "Two for the
price on one right? What's that called? A ménage la three-way I think."

Thought requires movement did you know that? Bio-Chemistry with electronic
impulses moving from brain cell to brain cell. That what happens when you
think. I was so paralyzed, by...disgust and horror and... I was sad. I feltso
sad for ...for her. She had been me, she had laughed and ..and been good at
computers. Xander had been her friend I bet. She probably had been picked on
by Cordelia too. She'd had sunshine and not so good times. Now she ...was
something else. Something alien yet sill me. Still us. 

Then she licked my neck. The lay the flat of her tongue on my flesh and licked
from the base of my neck all the way to where my jawline began. She did this
to me, leaving a thick line of cold, dead slime coating me. Then she said,
"Wanna be bad?"

The licking. That broke the freeze I was in. With a shriek, rage, fear,
disgust it doesn't matter, it was a shriek, I pushed her away and grabbed a
crucifix off the desk. Now it was a conviently placed desk. 

"Get away from me!" I shouted.

Snarling she backhanded the cross out of my grasp, completed her spin and
grabbed me by the throat. 

"Fair enough." She hissed. She yanked me close, smashed her lips to mine
before holding me out at arms length again. "Maybe she ate you, maybe you ate
her. I don't care. I am going to eat you. Then after that we'll try it again.
Who knows, maybe a good role in the hay will change your thinking."

She smirked. "Y'know what they say, once you've had vamp, you can never go
back."

And her features shifted. And I knew I had been wrong, there wasn't any of me
in there anymore. 
The books were right. It was just a demon. Too little realization too late.

Then I was dropped. She had let me go. I looked up and found out why.

Buffy was standing behind my 'twin'. Her hand was locked around the vampire's
neck from behind and now Buffy was hoisting her off the ground.

She looked so powerful in that moment. The library was dark, most of the
lights off and the illumination from the hallway hallowed her figure. She was
tall, and dangerous and wild. So beautiful and terrible and... I can admit it
to myself now, being more mature, but I wanted her, Buffy, at that moment more
than any other time.

"Actually," Buffy growled out between clenched teeth. "I'd have to disagree.
Believe me, I know these things."

Then Buffy hit her. 

Hard.

The vampire, she wasn't me, impacted on a book shelf lining the far wall and
went down. She didn't get up. 

Buffy was next to me in a heartbeat. I was still sprawled over the floor and
she gathered me into her arms. 

Her voice was running a mile a minute.

"OhmyGodI'msosorry! Iknew Ishould have come with you!Did she hurt you?Did she
biteyou?Hit you? Any marks? Bruises? Willow? Willow can you hear me? How many
fingers am I holding up?" Buffy didn't actually hold up any fingers. "No
broken bones? Are you bleeding?

"Buffy." I said. She rode over me.

"She didn't..she didn't..do anything did she? Oh no she did. I'm going to kill
her. I'm going to hurt her. I'm going to tie her down with ropes soaked in
holy water out on the lawn!"

"Buffy. I tried again. Nope. She didn't catch it.

"Don't you worry baby, everything will be okay. I swear it, I'll fix it.
Somehow. I promise. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." She was
sobbing.

She was crying and screaming and holding me tight, and rocking me back and
forth, it would have been soothing but she was rocking me back and forth so
hard I was getting sea sick. It was, and is, the most touching, loving memory
I have of us. It's also, I'll be honest again, kinda funny to remember. I'll
never trade Buffy for anything. 

"Buffy!" I said loudly, real loud. Almost shouted directly in her ear. 

She stopped in mid word and stared at me wide eyed. I smiled at her, wrapped
my arms around her shoulders and kissed her on the lips, stopping the kiss
though, before she responded too strongly and we both got carried away.

"Overprotection," I breathed in her ear. "Is a very good thing."

END




















There is only one thing that can damn me.
That can send me down in a swirling maelstrom of fire and pain.
And it is not the word of Man.
And it is not the lessons and rules of the Church, hypocrites every one.
And it is not the words of God, nor the judgements of Angels.
And it not a fair tribunal of my 'peers' that can find me guilty of crimes
immortal.
No. 
I can only be accused, judged and damned by my own Soul.
And I would never be so betrayed.

Mad-Hamlet