FF: Thoughts Of Trust

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TITLE: Thoughts Of Trust
AUTHOR: Arimis Adkinson
DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. I
don't
own anything.
SUMMARY: When trust is lost can it ever truly be regained Xander's finds
out.
SPOILERS: Becoming part two.
DISTRIBUTION: If you want it take it just let me know where it's at.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I've been stumped as on how to continue. But I think I
have come up with a way to handle the things I didn't like about season
three.
Feedback: Please read and review I need the encouragement.

( Xander's P.o.V )

Trust is a fundamental necessity in life. Friendships or other kind
of relationships can't exist with out it. I know what I did was wrong. I
knew it was wrong while I was doing it and did it any way. I looked her
square in the eye and lied' one of my two best friends and betrayed her
trust in me when she needed it the most. The jealousy and bitterness I
had for Angel was all rooted in the fact that Buffy loved him more than
she did me. Him a vampire the very thing she was chosen to kill. I admit
I didn't like Angel before we found out about him being one. My ego was
hurt so I lied. Didn't tell her Willow was going to try to curse him
again and got Buffy turned after she realized my betrayal. But at the
time I did my logic was if I tell her Buffy might hesitate and get
herself killed that and I don't think Willow can do the spell any way
besides Angelus deserves what ever he gets.

Willow found out from Buffy in a letter what happened. Willow told
us what happened to Buffy after the battle and suddenly the world
dropped out from under me. In my quest for vengeance I destroyed Buffy
and damaged my friendship with Willow and the others. Even though she
says that she still trusts me and always will. I can see in her eyes
that she means it. But there is something else there too. Worry, fear,
and another emotion I can't describe. She has been increasing distant
since she told us Buffy had been turned. Or at least she has from me. 

Oz has been there for her and good for her as well. He hasn't said
any thing to me since then outside of patrol. I have seen him watching
me like he expects me to do something to him. But I guess I can't blame
for that considering what I did. I don't think he will ever trust me
again if ever did in the first place. Time will tell if that friendship
is savable or not.

Giles has been working non stop trying to find Buffy. He said he
understood why I did it. He hasn't said anything else about it. Between
checking with the council, researching the Watcher's Diaries for any
clue as to what happens when a slayer is turned and patrol preparation
he's been busy. I doubt he even realizes school is starting again in a
few days. I think he's just as afraid of what Willow told us about Buffy
as the rest of us are. Angelus was bad but what could some pissed off
slayer-vamp do. I think he still trust me but I am afraid to ask.

Cordelia is still my girlfriend so I guess that means she still
trust me. She has been really nice to me since the night I broke down in
her car. I think she has seen me in a whole new light. For what I
couldn't tell. Whether it's the fact I broke in front of her or my
betrayal of Buffy. Either way I think things between us are going to
change for better or worse I don't know yet. And it bothers me.

Buffy on the other will probably never trust me again. Part of me
wants the chance to make amends but part of me knows that there is a
very good chance the next time I see her she will try to kill me and
knows i should let her. I wake up in a cold sweat wondering if she is
out there waiting to rip my throat out. I can only hope that what she is
when she returns is still wiling to give me a chance. If not I think the
phrase " God help me " will take on new meaning as god will be the only
thing saving me from her wrath.