It's not bad for a first timer, what? Your story has good potential to be either painful and melodramatic or a fantastic bed-hopping French comedy. However, I'm going to assume that English is not your mother tongue and suggest that you get a beta reader from somewhere, either ask for someone on the list to do it or go to JAABAW and check out the beta-readers forum because the errors in both verb tense and punctuation make the reading of your fic fairly difficult and a little unpleasant. Maybe someone will volunteer to do it for you.
Goodluck,
HF