End of the Year State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for 2001

["Shadow" <Shadowlander1@xxxxxxx>]

TO: All Department Heads; The United Vegetable Empire; and all other
interested parties.
FROM: The Director of Public Safety
SUBJECT: End of the Year State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for
2001

Yes boys and girls its that time once again... to recap the Christmas/New
Year's Block Party as well as to allow certain residents of the Gutter and
Woods Outback the chance to defend themselves publicly before the
authorities get involved. {You guys know who you are... gives the smirking
gator a hard look... so I won't be naming any names. Hell you guys were
there - you should know what happened.}

Item 1:
Regarding 'misplaced', 'barrowed', and 'flat out stolen' property of the
Senior Executive Committee of List Gutter Affairs. You guys know the rules,
if you sign it out of the property room you have to return it... and yes we
do have samples of all of your collective known handwritings and we will be
able to identify you even if you do use an alias. No matter what you guys
think... I don't need to sign out 43 wet noodle launchers, so quit using my
name all ready. Among the currant "temporarily mislaid items" are Trizdel's
'cat-o-nine-tails' - he is the Gutter and Woods Outback chief interrogator
and he needs his tools of the trade - there is a pesky born Again Christian
that has been bugging him about his salvation. Also Listmum is STILL
missing! If anyone has seen her throw a large butterfly net over her and
call security - some of her listkids are beginning to forget what she looks
like. We are also missing {1} fire extinguisher - formerly located outside
the mailroom, {1} interoffice stapler - last seen near the copier outside
the conference room, and Quin's office chair - there is strong reason to
believe he may be tied to it although that rumour has not been verified yet.

Item 1 Supplement:
There is a reward for the return of the fire extinguisher - it is needed to
dampen the "enthusiasm" of certain Silently Panicky Gopher's toward certain
Cute Office Assistants who like to miss use the mailroom after hours...
please stop sending the copier machine photos to Trizdel's office. He
doesn't need to see things like that - he is a young and semi-impressionable
silver-tongued wolf.

Item 2:
Relating to Quin's missing office chair - we have received conflicting
reports that our Security Chief is not tied to his chair but to his desk.
The report further indicates that he has been stripped down to his "Tweety"
boxers and a pair of black socks. Either way I'm not going into his office
to confirm that particular rumour... some things even "I" don't want to
know. Volunteers to actually confirm this report are being sought... and
yes-combat pay will be offered to actually go in there and look.

Item 3:
Regarding the report of one Silent Panicky Gopher getting into a brawl on
Christmas Eve with one Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer - that report is true,
although the exact details are a bit muddled. The Silent Panicky Gopher
claims is was over Rudolph the Red getting upset over Matt Gopher - that is
Silent Panicky Gopher's cute little cub - teething on his antlers while the
two {the Gopher and Rudolph the Red} were playing Metal Gear 2 on the
Gutter's new Playstation 2. Rudolph the Red however claims the fight was
over the Silent Panicky Gopher taking Santa's sleigh on a joy ride and
leaving his miner's helmet under the seat. In his defence the Gopher claims
since he is in charge of all the attack lawyers and Bobo just loves
venison... his story is the correct one and he certainly knows nothing about
the two tons of coal dropped on the Poodle-boy and Iowa hayseed moron
shippers.

Item 4:
The Koala meeting Joan Jett - that lucky so-n-so leaf gnawing tree climbing
trouble-making Jedi Master... OVERGROWN TEDDY BEAR!!! At least he DID have
the decency to send pictures if not actual video of the event and
autographed CDs for his closet buds and twin. Not that any of us are bitter
about him getting to meet Joan Jett or anything... nope we're happy for the
gloating little leaf-napper, really we are.

Item 5:
The end of the Riley-bot invasion... yes our forces were victorious once
again - like any of us had any doubts. However there is the little matter
of the CLEAN UP! Trizdel the Silver-Tongued Wolf claims he was in his cave
the entire time and knows nothing about the impromptu "victory" howl that
lasted all night over the shattered remains of the walking tin cans that
cluttered the Woods Outback Meadow. According to the wolf community
dwelling in the Woods Outback they were all elsewhere during the 57-hour
victory howl and they are most definitely NOT the group of wolves that were
seen howling outside the Catholic Girl School Dormitory; "Howwllloldishe??"
However a certain furry little mischief-making bat WAS at the 57-hour
victory howl outside of the Catholic Girl School Dormitory.

Item 6:
The return of the Phantom Chipmunk! Yes the rumours are true the Phantom
Chipmunk was seen duelling with a rabid Mutt-boy shipper outside of the
Goddess that is the Hacker's bedroom... at last report the noble Chipmunk
dispatched the deranged shipper and was last seen getting a rabies booster
shot to be on the safe side. You never can tell just where one of those
rabid Mutt-boy shippers has been or whom they have been biting. There are
known reports of Mutt-boy shippers and Iowa hayseed shippers being "close"
friends and allies.

Item 7:
Why is there a Ford Model-T sitting on top of the Magic Box in Sunnydale
Proper??

Item 8:
Naked Hacker Pouncing - is NOT a New Year's Resolution! How many times to I
have to point out the homicidally inclined possessive Chosen Two? That is
THEIR New Year's Resolution and they won't share... hell they barely
co-operate with one another when it comes to Naked Hacker Pouncing as is.
We do have video of the two misjudging their pouncing and ending up pouncing
on one another - although there is continued belief that the Hacker is using
magic to escape from their wily grasp in order to get SOME sleep.

Item 9:
The Amazons are still reporting stray Woods Outback dwellers roaming around
the bathing hut and sweat lodge at all hours of the day and night. Er...
guys, they ARE going to figure out that most of us ARE shape-shifters and
will turn the offenders into throw rugs one of these days... you guys DO
realise that right??

Item 10:
The Demonic Cabbages are revolting... no really they are. There are
fourteen cabbages protesting the use of Velveeta sauce and are throwing
themselves at the big oak by the path leading to town. Tater, we've had
this talk - it seems we always have this talk at least once a year. Yes the
vampire bats and vampire tomatoes are always at war with one another, it is
a proud time honoured tradition. And I am an active participate in that
war, however being called a "cheese murderer" by radical demonic cabbages is
a bit much. Just why are the cabbages protesting the use of Velveeta sauce
anyway??? Cheese is a dairy product, it has very little to do with demonic
cabbages or vampire tomatoes other then as a complement of some sort - never
touch the stuff myself so I really wouldn't know. However being called a
"cheese murderer" and being accused of working for the Greater Potato
Revolutionary Front is just out there even for us. Might I inquire just
what is being fed to those Demonic Cabbages and why they seem to intent on
stopping "cheese murder" and just the hell is the Greater Potato
Revolutionary Front??

That is all - we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics. Have a
nice day and a safe New Year.

Shadow -
Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy
Bear and Flying Fox of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and Little Comma.
Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of Quindolyn.
Founding Member of the Get Willow and Buffy Naked Society. {GWBNS - Hey, its
a way of life!} Dark MIstress of Weirdness. Yang to Alex's Yin.
Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member of the Order of the Silver Claw
of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. Member of the Questionably Sane Biker
Were-Folk Assn. {QSBWFA}

AIM screen name: ShadowDrake
Yahoo screen name: drakesshadow
MSN messenger: Tankesly@xxxxxxxxxxx {Shadow}
ICQ Number: 120681217