Fic: Half a World Away (5/?)

["dap311" <sjld5602@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

Title: Half a World Away (5/?)
Author: dap311 (sjld5602@xxxxxxxxxxx)
Pairing: B/W eventually
Disclaimers: Buffy and Willow belong to Joss and Mutant Enemy.  
"Half a World Away" is Berry/Buck/Mills/Stipe (R.E.M.) off
Out of 
Time.  
Spoilers: This is set during their senior year in high school, but 
in an AU, so no real spoilers. There is no Oz is this universe.  
Feedback: Yes, please.  
Summary: Willow is fighting depression, Buffy tries to help her.  
Distribution: Just ask.

"Go it along and hold it along, haul it along and hold it."
-R.E.M.

Willow woke up the next morning, vaguely aware that there was 
someone else in her small bed with her. As the cobwebs left 
her head and she began to stir it became quite clear who that 
someone was; the strong arms of the slayer were wrapped 
around her middle, Buffy's face buried in her back, her whole 
body pressed closely to Willow's. Unable to really move, and not 
willing to wake her best friend just yet, Willow simply lay there, 
brought her arm up so she could look at her wrist, and just 
stared for awhile. The cuts hadn't bled for long, but they were 
raised and very red today- and they hurt. She knew if she 
touched them they would hurt even more, and that they would be 
a very physical reminder of what was inside her. These she 
could see- these cuts were something tangible, something she 
could feel, could look at and know how they got there, who had 
done it. They were pain, and they were hers.  
The two friends did not move for another twenty minutes, one 
sleeping silently, one wide awake, lost in her own thoughts, in 
her own soul. As Buffy began to awaken, though, she pulled 
Willow closer, buried her face into the space where her shoulder 
and neck met, as if on instinct. Willow simply let her, not 
protesting, but knowing that it wasn't really her that Buffy was 
snuggling up with- she was probably dreaming of Angel. The 
redhead let herself enjoy her friend's embrace for a few more 
minutes before giving into the inevitable truth of Buffy waking up 
and realizing it was Willow in her arms, and not Angel. For those 
few minutes, though, Willow was able to shut out everything, all 
the numbness, all the pain, and just imagine that this was real, 
that Buffy was holding onto *her*. She only allowed herself a few 
minutes and then peeled back the arms of the slayer and sat up 
in the crowded bed.  
Noticing instantly the sudden loss of Willow from her arms, Buffy 
woke up completely, opening her eyes to see her friend's back 
as she sat on the edge of the bed, staring out the window.  
"Hey Will. Um, did you sleep okay?" 
"Hmm?" Willow, slowly turned towards Buffy, looking at
the 
Slayer for the first time since that morning. "Oh, yeah. Like a 
rock- out, I mean. I don't even remember coming up to bed."  
Her voice was flat, with little emotion in it- but there was still 
some emotion there; Buffy could just barely hear it.
"Well, that's cause you didn't walk up here. I carried
you. You fell asleep in my arms last night in the hallway. You 
must've been pretty tired. I, uh, I thought it might be better
if I 
spend the night." Buffy paused, looked down at her hands and 
then rushed on. "I hope you don't mind. I didn't want
to leave 
you alone Will. I was scared." Buffy's voice got very quiet
as she 
said those last words, but she looked directly into Willow's
eyes, 
trying to see the redhead's soul. 
Willow looked back for a minute and then down at her own 
hands, at her wrist. There were faint scares along with the new, 
ugly red lines. Reminders of what happens when she can't hold 
out any longer.  
Without looking up, not able to look into her best friend's
eyes, Willow began to talk, slowly at first. "I tried, Buffy, I
really
did. I tried to keep my promise, to not hurt myself. I tried so
hard, 
but it wasn't good enough. I didn't try hard enough. I
couldn't 
keep going. I wanted to do it, I still want to do it. The urge 
doesn't go away, you know. It's always here, always in the
back 
of my mind. I-I can't make it go away." Willow looked up,
then, 
meeting Buffy's eyes. "I'm so scared, Buffy. I'm so
tired,
and this all just keeps piling up. I don't think I can do this
any 
more, this holding out."
"Will?" Buffy began, but trailed off as Willow started
to talk 
again.
"I've looked up how to hurt myself, to kill myself, on
the
internet. There are a lot of different ways, you know. Sometimes, 
when I ride my bike to school, I think of how easy it would be, to 
just swerve into traffic- it would look like an accident and be over 
quickly."
Buffy didn't know what to say- she looked at her best friend,
as
if for the first time. It felt like there was a hand squeezing her
heart while a fist punched her in the gut. She couldn't breathe- 
her chest hurt so much, each shallow breath was painful. 
"I?." She swallowed the lump in her throat, which
felt like it 
was closing up. That pain that you feel in the back of your mouth, 
at the top of your throat, when you're about to cry, when you
can 
barely hold it back, but still have to- it was there and Buffy tried
to 
speak around it.  
"I don't know what to say, Willow. I don't know
what to do. I 
didn't know. I want to help you, more than anything. But, I
just 
don't know what to do anymore." Buffy's composure was
almost 
gone; her eyes were glistening, shining with unshed tears, the 
pain in the back of her mouth getting worse.  
Willow stood up shakily, her legs feeling a lot like wet 
noodles, her knees ready to give out on her, and walked around 
the end of the bed towards to the side Buffy was sitting on.  
When the blonde looked up at her, Willow crumbled and began 
to sob uncontrollably. Buffy caught her as her knees finally gave 
out and pulled the redhead onto her lap, tucking her into strong 
slayer arms. Her own tears began to fall freely from her eyes, 
then, sliding silently down her cheeks as Willow shook 
uncontrollably in her arms.  
It scared Buffy more than anything to see Willow like this-
it 
scared her even more than the cutting had originally; her friend 
was losing her grip on things, her world was crumbling, and 
Buffy felt so helpless; she would trade all of her superpowers to 
help Willow if she could. What good were superpowers if the 
one person in the world you wanted to protect the most was in 
so much pain that she wanted to die and there was no way 
superpowers could stop it? Super strength was not going to 
make Willow's depression go away; Buffy's slayer healing 
wasn't going to make the scars on Willow's wrists fade into 
distant memories. Buffy didn't know what to do, and that scared 
her.  
Willow's sobs began to slow, her shaking body slowing to 
small trembling, until she was quiet and still. She held onto 
Buffy with all her might, not wanting to let go, not wanting to face 
anything ever again. Why couldn't she just stay like this? It
was 
so much easier when she didn't have to deal with it, when she 
could pretend that the only world was in Buffy's arms. But, 
Willow knew better than that. She carefully lifted her head to look 
into Buffy's face which was mere inches from her own. Willow 
saw the tears that were still slipping out of her friend's eyes
and 
sliding silently down moist cheeks; she let go of Buffy and 
brought her hands up to the blonde's face, slowly wiping away 
the tears, gently with her thumbs.  
"Don't cry, Buffy. I hate seeing you cry. It hurts
me more than 
anything to see you cry because of me. Please, don't cry." 
"I think I could say the same to you, Will."
"Yeah. I know." There was silence between the two
friends
then as they held onto each other, both scared and tired.  
"Hey, why don't we go downstairs, have some coffee and
talk, 
okay?" Buffy's voice was quiet and soothing in Willow's
ear after 
a few more minutes of silence.  
"Sure, okay." 
With that, Willow stood up, only noticing then that she'd
been
on Buffy's lap. Hesitating for a brief moment, she took
Buffy's
hand and led her best friend down the stairs.  


To be Continued.