RE: FIC: Still Struggling (7/7) PG13ish

["TheBear!" <thebear@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Ok, so I finally got around to reading this (now that it's complete)
I have to say, I'm glad I waited. Otherwise I would have gone
absolutely insane waiting for each part to come out!
Super Sweet Story! Loved it!
The not-so-little nasty in me really loved the part when Buffy was going
to humiliate and destroy Riley. (The boy gives all men a bad name.
Hello, threatened by a strong woman much?)
Any way; too bad Tara got the smackdown instead. 
See- You made me get emotionally invested in your representation of the
characters! Always a sign of a good fanfic!

TheBear!
thebear@xxxxxxxxxxxxx 
http://thebear.somewhere.net 


-----Original Message-----
From: Red Willow [mailto:st8sboroblues@xxxxxxxxx] 
Sent: Sunday, June 09, 2002 2:42 AM
To: buffywantswillow@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: FIC: Still Struggling (7/7) PG13ish

Title: Still Struggling
Author: Red Willow
Email: St8sboroblues@xxxxxxxxx or nick_elodian@xxxxxxxxx
Disclaimer: All characters and references to belong to Joss Whedon,
Mutant Enemy, and all them
other folks <G> I'm just using them to make my own little fun. However
the story belongs to me
only. You may post or distribute only with permission from and credit
to me. 
So just ask <G> And if you don't like the idea of Willow and Buffy
together then... why are you
reading this?
Rating: PG-R (as it might progress from one to the other)
Pairing: Willow/Buffy
Summary: Buffy struggles over her feelings for Willow and stumbles upon
something interesting...
conclusion.
This is part 7 in a 7 part series Thoughts will be expressed in < and
> brackets... This covers
some info from Seasons 2-4 
Feedback? I thrive on feedback!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The tension in the room is unbearable, like rubber bands stretched to
their limits, about to
break. If only I could stand up and step out of my body. Scream from
the top of my lungs,
shattering the scene playing out before me, making it all go away. To
leave me and Willow
together, alone again, without the angry judgment staring at us from
pained and confused eyes. 
Even I'm not that powerful. I'm trapped, our infidelity still
evident on this body, wrapped in a
sheet of embarrassment and guilt. Actions and consequences. I vaguely
remember learning about
those once. Never so terrible was an enemy to face, than one made from
your own choices. Choices
I make. Selfish and dumb decisions leading to irreparable damages. <it
was your only choice.> The
consequences of which <brought you together> have made this mess.
<someone always gets hurt> And
how do we clean it up? <same way you do everything> Together. 
There is no time for embarrassment and guilt. There is no time
for sorrys and explanations. 
There is only truth. The truth of a love I've felt for far too long to
deny it now. Will didn't
deny it. She came right out and told Tara the truth. Came right out.
<so, that's what this is all
about> No it isn't. Well, maybe. I see the revulsion in Riley's eyes
as he looks from me to
Willow. <And that poster he helped hang up?> It's okay as long as it's
not his girlfriend? I
don't know! There are a lot of things I don't know. <time is running
short. seconds tick tock
while you ponder.> I have to stop caring, and act. I'm action girl. I
can do this. I have to.

". your ass you do!"
I stand up quickly, determined to go through with this as
painlessly as possible, well for me
anyway.
"Riley." I start, but am interrupted by Tara.
"I-I better go." Tara squeaks out, trying to slip by Riley. He
sidesteps and blocks her way,
leaving her to look down, unsure of what to do.
"No one is leaving until I get some answers, and that means you
too." He states angrily, pointing
a finger at the shy girl.
"H-hey. don't talk to her like that." says Willow, taking a step
in their direction.
"I'll talk however I."
"Hey!" I shout, and, mindful of my strength, push Riley back a
few steps before he has a chance
to advance any further towards Willow.
"I know you're angry Riley. just. calm. down." I'm trying to be
as firm in my instruction as
possible without letting my own fear show. I'm not sure I like how this
situation is rapidly
turning out. Riley and I glare at each other, a mere few feet apart.
Behind me I hear Willow
attempting to talk to Tara again. 
"T-tara. I'm really sorry. I-I wish I could have."
"Calm Down?!" Riley shoots at me.
". told you. I-I never wanted to.never intended to. hurt you."
"How the hell do you."
"I-I didn't. know. ever expect."
". expect me to calm down?!"	
".this to happen."
"I'm sure it just happened." Offers Riley sardonically.
I continue to glare at him, saying, "Riley. it's over. I. I'm."
"W-what? Over?" he practically growls. I'm suddenly caught off
guard as he grabs both of my
shoulders with his big bulky hands, squeezing them hard. I just look at
him, aware that I could
send him through the door with one good kick to the chest.
"Buffy." I hear Willow yelp.
"Don't." is all I say in response, and she stays, knowing I can
take care of myself. "Yes, over. 
I don't want to see you any more. I. I was just. using you. I don't
love you. I. I'm in. in. in
love with. Willow." <oh my god you actually said it. out loud. to
someone else!>
"W-were you. using me?" I hear Tara softly ask Willow.
"Oh! No! No, no, no.a-absolutely not. I really, really like you.
I."
But Riley's response to my rejection of him drowns the rest of
what she's telling Tara out. "You
bitch!" he yells down at me, bending his body further towards mine until
our faces are only a few
inches apart. I let him get no further however, as I break free of his
hold and slam both of my
hands against his chest, sending him reeling backwards until he slams
against the door.
"Get out." I tell him firmly. I'm done with this. I'm tired
and I feel wrecked. I just want
all of this over with. I know he's angry and confused, and that I
betrayed him. If anyone
deserves to get her ass kicked it's me. Right now though, I feel like
I'm on full emotional
overload and if he doesn't leave with my cruel explanation in hand, then
I honestly don't know
what will come next.
"Fine." he says through clenched teeth, working his jaw muscles.
He takes the sight of me,
Willow, and Tara in one last time before turning abruptly, opening the
door, and walking through
it without closing it.
". wish I knew what else to say. some. way. to. help." 
I turn to Willow and Tara as I realize Willow is still trying to talk to
Tara. I simply stand
here, very quiet, witnessing an affection, and maybe even a love cross
between the two witches.
"Y-you have to be.w-w-with the one you. love." says Tara softly,
tears beginning their descent
down her cheeks. She extends her hand to Willow's upper arm, resting it
there, absently toying
with the fabric of the blanket. 
Willow turns slightly, eyeing me, a smile curling her lips. "I
am." she finally says turning back
to Tara. She places her hand on Tara's elbow. "I-I'm sorry." she
finishes in a low, weary voice.
"W-willow, I need some time to. b-but.I'd still like to
be.friends."
"A-Oh. yeah. th-that's not even. of course!" Willow responds to
this good news happily. 
I sit down on my bed, pulling the sheet tighter around me, and
watch the two friends part. Tara
wipes tears away from her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt, before
heading for the door. She
glances at me, a hurt, mournful look etched into her features. She
heads through the doorway and
down the hall.
I make my way to the door where, closing it, i press myself up against
the cool dark wood,
taking a moment to gather my thoughts before turning around. 
"Willow..." I say softly, her name like a whisper caught on my lips.
She turns toward me
slowly, dragging the blanket behind her, her tears running freely.
She's looking at me for
assurance that everything will be all right. That time will heal all
wounds and that we made the
right choice. She's looking to me for guidance, for a nod, a hug,
anything to ease the pain,
anything to convince her that we'll walk away from this. And of course
we will. I smile. Not a
mouthy, happy smile. Instead, a soft, warm smile to help calm her
fears. I extend one arm out to
her and we come together, wrapping our arms around each other, never
minding that our "clothing"
could fall away at any time. There is no one else here. Nothing else
matters at this moment but
us. Time and place have no meaning. We've experienced this before and I
am certain we will again
every time we find ourselves lost in each other's eyes with the
knowledge that nothing has been
hidden, that our love for each other is mirrored and reflected in those
eyes and reverberate
through the touch of our fingertips, our lips, our steady heartbeats in
deep sleep while laying
curve to curve. I have new meaning for my life now, and I see it
stretched out before me with
Willow by my side. <just like it's supposed to be, right kid?>

Willow sighs heavily, laying her head on my shoulder. "I love you
Buffy."
I tighten my arms around her, pulling her closer, "I love you too
Willow, always have... always
will."
"Mmm... you think so?"
"Know so."
"I think so too."
We stay like that for a few moments, enjoying the warmth of each
other's touch and the silence
that gently stretches itself around us in a comforting embrace.

Ya know, I feel bad for Riley. I thought it would be funny to shock
and destroy him like that.
After all, I never did like him very much and he could be such a jerk.
But, I feel bad now. I
kind of wish things hadn't transpired quite like they had. Funny how it
felt like forever, but in
actuality, only a fraction of an hour. So much can change in a small
space in time. So much has
changed since yesterday afternoon. Since we woke up.. what? not even a
few hours ago. So much
has changed. And poor Tara. The expression on her face as the
realization of what she was
looking at hit her... I can tell by looking at her, the way she acted,
there's a love there for
Willow. I fear that that face will haunt me. I only pray they will
remain friends. There's
something strong there. Even I can see that. Lost in thoughts again.
<if only you had half the
knack for speech as you do for thinking...> I shake my head clear,
pulling away from Willow. 
We look at each other, sad for the hurt we caused mixed with an
overpowering joy to finally be
with each other. <In all the time you've known each other, you looked
for love in other places,
while all along, here it was between you. Both of you too scared to
admit it, both of you too
ignorant to see anything in the eyes of the other.> Yep, that about
explains it. 
I kiss her softly, my lips hardly meeting her at all. Smiling, I say,
"Well..."
"Yeah..." she responds.
Again we don't say anything, just stand there. I think we are still
a little shocked. What if
we wake up tomorrow and none of this has happened. <don't be a moron...
it wasn't a dream
before... it's not a dream now.> This shouldn't have happened the way it
did. I wish I could fix
it. Change this afternoon... <you're really good at this torturing
yourself deal, aren't you?>
Well... <you can't change it. Just move on. You're finally with
her...> Just move on.
"I-I need a... shower..." says Willow finally, looking down at
herself and stirring me out of
my insistent thoughts. 
"Uh... definitely." I agree.
"Clean... clean's a good thing."
"Yep."
But still, we don't move far from each other, scared we will lose the
other half of us maybe,
or scared of what awaits us outside this room. Maybe just a little
scared in general. our whole
world has changed. We play different roles. Fit into different
categories. There are different
expectations and fears. I am confidant however, that these changes are
for the better, for both
of us.
"You... a little scared, Will?" I ask her, addressing my own
concerns. I tentatively place a
hand on her cheek and she leans into the touch.
"I... mm-maybe... I don't know. Not... scared... so much...as...
worried... and I-I feel...
kinda bad... for Tara..."
"I know..." I tell her.
"I-I just didn't want to... hurt her... ya know?
I nod, closing my eyes. Neither did I 
She pulls me to her, wrapping her arms around me again, but keeping
her eyes locked on mine. 
"But... I-I wouldn't trade it... for... ya know... this... I mean...
us."
I let a smile dance across my lips, feeling slightly aroused, despite
the events of the past
afternoon. 
"I think i know what would make us... feel better..." I say slyly.
<hint hint>
"Mmmm... shower!" She beams.
"Uh!" <ha ha ha> "Yes... definitely there is that. But besides
showers..." I just smile at
her.
"Mochas?!" Her eyes go wide, staring at me lovingly. She makes the
cutest faces! So, although
I have something a little different on my mind, I'm forced to forgive
her... just this once. 
Besides, it would probably be a good idea to get out of here for a
little while. Experience the
remains of the day in a whole new light, so to speak.
"Exactly." I agree finally, nodding my head just once for emphasis,
before spinning around to
and heading for my closet to retrieve my shower bag and robe. She does
the same with a bright
smile stretched across her face. I think she just played me. I think
she knows what I was
talking about all along. I shrug, smiling at the new life I'm ready to
live... with her.

And so I know everything will be okay. This is how it is. How it's
supposed to be. Me and
Willow, together. Grabbing Mochas and walking around town, talking,
just like we've always done.
Except, maybe now, we'll steal an occasional kiss, brush a hand across
another under the table,
and not be scared to admire each other. We won't deny the passion that
rises between us. We'll
come home and sleep, safe in each other's warmth, in beds that won't be
empty, curled in each
other's arms. And we'll no longer have dreams about what we long to
have. Starting now, the
dreams are over. Starting now, we start living... 



__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Yahoo! - Official partner of 2002 FIFA World Cup
http://fifaworldcup.yahoo.com

Community email addresses:
Post message: buffywantswillow@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subscribe: buffywantswillow-subscribe@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Unsubscribe: buffywantswillow-unsubscribe@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
List owner: buffywantswillow-owner@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shortcut URL to this page:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/buffywantswillow

Official archive for the list:
http://www.geocities.com/exquisitecoalescence/ 

Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/